Legolas Gets Mistaken for a Girl

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Legolas was standing in a clearing in the forest, when a girl called from behind him and he spun around.

"Hey, bitch!" she said.

Legolas creased his eyebrows in confusion.

"What did you say?" he said.

"You stole my man, bitch!" she said.

"What are you talking about?" asked Legolas.

"Johnny! You went behind my back and you been sleepin' with him!" said the girl.

"No, no I haven't." said Legolas, shaking his head.

"Don't you frigging lie to me, I saw you together!! Now you're gonna pay, Kimberly!" said the girl.

"No, no, there must be some mistake. My name is Legolas." said Legolas. The girl pulled out a switchblade.

"Nobody does that crap to me, ho." said the girl.

"Look, I'm sure there's been a slight misunderstanding." said Legolas.

The girl swung out with the switchblade, but Legolas dodged it.

"You're being absurd! Don't attempt violence on me, I am an elf." said Legolas.

"Bitch, you're on drugs, but don't think that'll save you. I'm from Jersey." said the girl. She swung out with the knife again, but Legolas dodged it again.

"This is utterly ridiculous!" said Legolas, snatching the knife away from the girl. "Hey!! Oh, yheah?!" said the girl, bitch slapping Legolas. Legolas's eyes went wide with shock and he looked down at her. "What the hell...?" said Legolas. Suddenly, she grabbed Legolas's hair. "You freakin' ho, I'll scratch you bald!!" said the girl, yanking Legolas' hair. "Noooo!!" said Legolas. Legolas grabbed the girl's hands. "Unhand my hair, wench!" said Legolas. "You shoulda kept your hands offa my man, now it's too late!" said the girl.

"I have no idea what you're talking about!" said Legolas, wincing in pain. "Everybody knows what a backstabbing slut you are, Kimberly, you were even making out with Justine's man at the mall, and he's the biggest skeeze on earth!!" said the girl. "What the *&%$ are you talking about?! Get off me!! I'm a male elf named Legolas, damn it!!" said Legolas.

"Bitch don't disrespect me." said the girl.

Suddenly, Aragorn walked into the clearing. He frowned. "Legolas! What are you doing?!" said Aragorn.

"Is this your man?" asked the girl. "Get this psycho offa me!" said Legolas, to Aragorn.

The girl let go of Legolas's hair and ran over to Aragorn. "Hey, baby, you want some sugar?!" said the girl. "What?!?" said Aragorn.

"She is mentally unwell!" said Legolas, rubbing his scalp.

"You can steal my man, Johnny, I can steal yours!" said the girl, trying to kiss and touch Aragorn. "Get off, skank! I am not his man." said Aragorn. "Not outside of fanfiction, anyway." mumbled Legolas. "What?" snarled Aragorn, still trying to stop the girl from caressing him. "Er, nothing. Carry on." said Legolas.

"Who are you, where did you come from? You need to leave here." said Aragorn, pushing the girl away.

"I got business to settle with Kimberly." said the girl.

"My NAME is LEGOLAS!" said Legolas. "Lego?! Well, I'll beat your ass no matter what, nobody does that with my man!!" said the girl. Aragorn pulled out his sword. "I think you'd better go." said Aragorn. The girl swallowed. "Hey, no problem. I'm going." said the girl. She ran off.

Legolas walked over, still rubbing his scalp. "Why?! Why?! I'm so confused! My scalp hurts!" said Legolas. Aragorn put away his sword and patted Legolas on the back. "I don't know my friend. Now, let's go get some Chinese." said Aragorn.

"Just a moment. You go ahead and I'll meet you there." said Legolas. Aragorn nodded and walked away.

Legolas grinned and snuck back into the clearing, peeking behind a tree.

"Johnny! I'll have to catch you later! See you soon, sweetie!" said Legolas.

The end.