Summary: Ginny declares that she won't date any more guys until Hermione does after a recent horrible, heartbreaking break-up of hers. Hermione is a huge loser who will never get a date. This means trouble for boys like Draco Malfoy who want to date Ginny with the burning passion of a thousand winds. Do you smell some juicy deals wafting our way? I do! I do! Read this story full of drugs, alcohol, and stupid dumbasses. Based on as many Shakespearean plays as I can think of but mostly the little bit I know of The Taming of the Shrew. It's also kinda based on 10 Things I Hate About You which is based on The Taming of the Shrew so that would make sense, wouldn't it..
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of these characters (except for Bob). The main storyline is based on Shakespearean plays.Chapter One
"That is it. I am through with dating! And I'm going to keep it that way!" Ginny declared loudly, stomping her foot in the middle of the Gryffindor common room floor.
"Ginny, Ginny, calm down. It's okay," Hermione said soothingly, pushing her glasses up on the bridge of her nose and resting her hands on Ginny's shaking shoulders. "So one guy dumped you, it's alright. There are plenty of other fish in the sea Ð and none that are as assy as Bob."
"They're all like that! I'm never dating again!" Ginny shouted, causing several people in the room to jump.
"Ginny, stop flipping out, okay," Ron replied, folding her arms, "It's not the end of the world. He wasn't even hot or anything.. Just take a deep breath and wash your face. That always helps me."
Ginny began sobbing harder.
"Oooooh, Ginny," Hermione responded, shooting Ron a "Fuck you" look and handing Ginny a tissue. "You just cry as much as you need to, okay. But howbout we go up to the dorm, first, alright?"
Ginny nodded, rubbing her eyes with the now sopping wet tissue. Hermione put her arm around Ginny's shoulder and led her upstairs to the girls' dormitories.
Ron, however, stayed in the common room with Harry, who hadn't participated much in Ginny's rantings.
"Ugh, I hate those brats," Ron told Harry, falling over onto a large, red armchair.
"I know," Harry agreed. "And is it just me or have I just realized that Hermione is the hugest nerd? I mean, look at her clothes. She wears her skirt down to her knees while all the other girls wear theirs barely past their asses, and she has those huge glasses she's always adjusting. And will she ever do something about that gigantic heap of shit frizz she likes to call hair?! I mean, honestly. And she wonders why she doesn't get any guys.."
"I know," Ron replied, rolling his eyes. "Thank God they went upstairs. If I had to listen to Ginny complain one more time.."
"You don't know it Ron, but your sister's really hot," Seamus Finnegan suddenly said, appearing as if out of nowhere.
"What?!" Ron yelped, hopping out of his chair as if it were a pile of hot coals and then cowering behind it.
Harry started to laugh loudly and obnoxiously.
"It's not funny, okay," Ron said, standing up straight. His cheeks were almost purple with embarrassment. "I'm sorry, I seemed to have heard you incorrectly. I thought you had said my sister was hot," Ron fake laughed. "Silly me."
"I did," Seamus replied simply.
"WHAT?" Ron screamed again, jumping. At least he didn't cower behind his chair this time. "How could you possibly thing that freckled son-of-a-bitch is hot?!?!?"
"Ron, you just described yourself," Harry pointed out.
"TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW!" Ron cried at Seamus, ignoring Harry.
"Calm down, Ron," Seamus said coolly. "I'm just saying that you shouldn't let her not date anymore because that'd disappoint a lot of guys I know."
"Gimme their names or I'll.." Ron started, grabbing Seamus' shirt collar.
Harry laughed again, clapping his hands loudly and kicking his feet. This was too much.
"Or you'll what?" Seamus asked, unhooking Ron's fingers from around his shirt.
"Well I like her better when she's not dating, anyway," he said, putting his hand down.
"I'll make you a deal," Seamus replied, walking closer to Ron and lowering his voice. "You make sure she continues dating and I'll hook you up with whoever you want."
"Whoever I want?" Ron inquired, raising an eyebrow. "Ha! Fat chance."
"C'mon, Ron," Seamus urged. "You name it, I'll get it. Anyway, I really need this. You just don't see her hotness because you're related. But believe me, if you weren't you'd be drooling puddles all over her like the rest of us."
"I know you wouldn't get the person I wanted," Ron said, waving his hand limply in Seamus's face.
"Yes I would!" Seamus said. "It's not like you want.. oh, Draco Malfoy or something."
Ron licked his lips but didn't say anything.
"You want me to set you up with Draco Malfoy?" Seamus said incredulously. His face was expressionless for a moment, until his mouth broke out into a grin and he began laughing hysterically.
"I told you you wouldn't be able to!" Ron shouted, thoroughly embarrassed for the second time that day. "Why did I tell you? WHY DID I TELL YOU? Jesus how stupid can I get??!?!"
After Seamus had composed himself, he stood up and said to Ron, "I'm sorry. But, of course I'll hook you up with Malfoy. Just give me some time."
"Fine," Ron pouted, folding his arms. "But how do I get Ginny to date again?"
"Tell her there are other fish in the sea, yadda yadda yadda, and all that shit," Seamus said, walking towards the portrait hole.
"We've tried that already," Ron explained.
"Well do everything you can think of! Make her deals you won't pull through with! Bribe her! Make out with her! I don't know, just do it!" Seamus answered, crawling through the hole.
And Ron was left there to ponder in his misery, wishing that he'd never told Seamus a thing.. Or, better yet, that Ginny had never gone and gotten herself dumped in the first place. Why did his life suck?
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"Breath with me, Ginny," Hermione replied, smoothing down her skirt so it covered her knees nicely. "In through the nose and out through the mouth. Ready? Okay.."
"Hold it right there," Harry said, bursting through the door.
"What is it?!" Hermione asked jumping up and hitting her head on the canopy of the bed, causing her glasses to fall of and one of the lenses to pop out onto the floor. "Oh damn!" she bent down and picked up the pieces, Harry's incessant laughter ringing in her ears.
Ron stepped in behind his cackling friend. "Ginny, we wanted to talk to you," he said, ignoring Harry. "We think it's ridiculous of you to stop dating. It's one of your favorite pastimes! Why waste that because of one stupid boy? This is probably what Bob wants you to do. Don't you just want to make him mad?
Ginny shrugged and then said. "Oh, I don't care! I'll make him happy! I never want to feel this pain again!"
"The best way to heal this wound is with another boyfriend," Ron explained in the kindest voice he could muster. "Come on, Ginny."
"NO!" she screeched, throwing a book at Ron and hitting him square in the nose. A small stream of blood trickled down over his lips.
"Howbout this, Ginny," Harry said, stepping in. He tried not to laugh when he glanced over at Hermione working on her glasses with her dorky little repair kit. "We'll make you a deal. You won't date until Hermione does.
Ginny thought for a moment. Hermione would never get a boyfriend, so that meant that she would never have to have one either. It seemed like a flawless plan to her. "Sure," she replied, slightly reluctantly, glancing over at Hermione to make sure her feelings weren't hurt because of this. She had yet to realize she was a loser. But, she was completely oblivious to any conversation.
"Alright!" Harry said, patting himself on the back.
Ron hit the back of Harry's head. "Are you mental?" he asked, through gritted teeth. "Hermione's never going to date! What are you thinking?!"
"Well, it's the closest I'm gonna get," Harry replied, shrugging. "Sorry, bro. Better luck next time." He patted his friend's shoulder as he passed him and exited the room.
Ron wiped his nose, shook his head, and turned on his heel to follow him out.
What in God's name had he gotten himself into?