A/N: Has anyone noticed that in the fanfiction world, that 99% of the stories in which Johnny falls in love with a girl, save Devi and possibly to some extent Tenna and to another possible extent Tess, the girl is EXTREMELY angst-ridden and FULL of suicide and such and such? Yeah, I know, I am making a HUGE generalization, but GODDAMN I am sick of it.
Thus, Jay's terrible parody because she cannot write parodies nor comedy, was born dun DUN. Please, leave your brain at that door.
Disclaimer: I do not own JTHM, nor anything else Jhonen Vasquez related.
Warning: Swearing, violence and just general stupidity.
Info: I really hate Mary-Sues, as does most of the literate and semi-literate fanfiction/non-fanfiction writers out of there. And in every category, there will be a specific type of Sue, as everyone knows. Just to focus on fanfiction-verse, here are some types [mostly by the type of fics I read. Wow, you'll learn something about me.]
Invader Zim: This Sue is one that believes Dib. Usually has exotic name. And usually loves the paranormal. But must believe Dib.
Harry Potter: This Sue is one of great power. Usually associates with the trio, or Draco Malfoy. Lvoed or ridiculed horrendously by Snape. Generally related to one of the canon characters, but never Neville, Argus, or some other disliked character [generalization, people].
Lord of the Rings: This Sue is either elf or some other exotic creature. Always joins the Fellowship. Usually has some great power, and wings generally are included. Mostly falls for Legolas, yet Aragorn and Frodo or sometimes included. Never Gimli.
And you get the picture. BUT, the JTHM Sue is a strange one. She has problems, as does everyone. I have problems. You have problems. My friends have problems. But this Sue, poor Sue, has problems in abundance. And thus, hence, therefore, whatever, this fic was born. Quiver at it's horrible…ness.
All crappiness is intentional. Sometimes it's not.
Johnny was walking to the 24/7 to by a Brainfreezy. Because that's what he does. Anyway, he gets a Brainfreezy, and for some reason he gets angry. Because that's what he does. So he goes and kills the checkout person, and there's lots of blood. So much blood, that even a person that collects blood would be grossed out.
But one person in the 24/7 escaped the gross-out factor.
The most beautiful girl you'd ever seen watched Johnny, her bright blue eyes, as clear as diamonds and as blue as sapphires stared at the man, her long, silky blonde hair flowing down her back like… silk. Her creamy white skin was soft and smooth, and she was so slim, she could only buy children's clothes.
She laughed as Johnny slaughtered the checkout man.
'Har har. I am laughing. I am cool. Did you know I suffer from anorexia, bulimia, depression, bipolar disease, hallucinations, am suicidal, cut myself, that my parents died when I was just a baby, I was left on the streets because I wanted a pony and could ride one so well, am poor, and am not a prep?'
'Wow.' Johnny said, still covered in gore. 'Hi, Lavender Violet Rose Sara-Lee Fiona-Dee Smith. My name is Johnny, but you can call me Nny for short, yet I only let my bestest bestest friends call me that? And yes, Edgar Vargas was my bestest bestest friend, although I had only known him for five minutes, but he was the best guy I knew, save Squee and DEVI IS A GIRL and I still love her. Wow. What's your name?'
'Wow, you already said my name, it's Lavender Violet Rose Sara-Lee Fiona-Dee Smith, but I'll just say it again anyway. I like Cherry Brainfreezys.'
'Wow. So do I. Let's be girlfriend/boyfriend, and act like giggly teenagers, although I am actually in my late twenties, and you're still fifteen.'
Much smooching then insured.
As did much passionate lovemaking.
Six months passed, because that's cool.
'EWWW I AM PREGGERS WITH YOUR BABY NNY'
'EWWW I HATE KIDS ALTHOUGH I LOVE SQUEE AND WOULD BE AN OKAY FATHER DESPITE THE FACT I KILL GET RID OF IT'
'But I want a child, Nny, this is our child and we made it and I want it I want it I want it I always get what I want'
'But you said you lived on the streets all your life?'
'Yeah, to be just like you so we match and people will think you smell and stuff I killed lots of people and stole what I needed. Now can I keep the baby?'
'No. Get rid of it.'
'Now go kill yourself.'
And Johnny left the pregnant Lavender Violet Rose Sara-Lee Fiona-Dee Smith, who had moved into his house after two days. Probably more like two hours. Anyway, Johnny came back after an hour or so.
'Oh no, Lavender Violet Rose Sara-Lee Fiona-Dee Smith killed herself while I was gone, even though I told her to.. I am so deeply crushed, I shall cry. I am crying.'
And in a passionate moment of grief, Johnny, too, killed himself.
A/N: Wow, aren't I cool? I write crappy parody.
Yes, I know I'm not funny, and probably offended myself and ten thousand other people out there.