A Snips and Spirals Fanfic
Sequel to "The Lady of Slytherin"
Both written by Lady Tesser
Illustrated by Atana (see URL on her bio page)

J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and references.
Britomartis Vox belongs to Atana and myself.
Crete is a UN military base at this time.
No, Bull Leaping is no longer done.
'I'm Too Sexy' lyrics by Right Said Fred.
'Lime and Coconut' lyrics by Henry Nilsson.
And special thanks to Trapezoid for creating 'Potter Puppet Pals' and changing the face of animated guerilla puppet-theatre forever (or at least
bringing it down to a whole new level of perversity).


Chapter 1 - Final Examinations and the Hunk of Hogwarts

Severus Snape, Master of Slytherin House and Potions Master, snapped his eyes open in the darkness of his room. He stretched a little, sat up on the edge of his bed, and stretched again, running one hand through his chin- length black hair.

Damn. Needed another shower. Students whispered he never took showers, which was a complete and utter lie. He showered twice a day, in fact, enough for Britomartis to comment that he smelled like soap and potions.

But frequent showers did not stop his oily hair from trying to take over his life. He suspected some subtle curse, but had no evidence.

Severus got up and pulled the drapes from his window, the light streaming pools of color over the wall and floor from the stained glass window. Normally he would have shut the drapes again, but he was beginning to find a fondness for sunlight, even if it was wizard-made.

Damn. Weird.

Two weeks until school was out. Final exams to make, classroom to clean up, office to be organized.

And Summer Break.

Severus pulled his gray nightshirt off and swore in a colorful manner as he picked up a towel and entered the private bath.

How the hell did his Martis talk him into chaperoning a field trip to Crete during Summer Break? He usually spent the summers in the heart of the dungeons and doing study plans for the next year, working out potions for his classes, or even just sleeping for eighteen hours straight ... or staying awake for three days at a time.

Because she was going to be there.

"Congratulations, Martis," he snorted as he twisted the water facet on. "I'll follow you to the ends of the Earth."

He laughed. It felt good. Scary, but good.

He stepped into the shower, knowing he now had to be especially frightening in classes today.

* * *


The yell came at the same time as Professor Britomartis Vox slammed the door to the classroom open, making the Fifth-Year students nearly jump out of their skins.

George and Fred Weasley really were innocent. This time. They proclaimed it long and loudly.

The demon followed her in as she stalked to her desk and sat down.

The demon looked rather silly as far as demons went - he was extremely short and pudgy with big buck teeth, floppy black ears, a stumpy tail with an arrow point, and dressed in a sash of garishly-printed material with bright and obnoxious colors. The fact he was carrying around a rather large butcher knife did not seem to make him any more frightening.

The demon stopped, looked around the classroom, and then hopped up on the desk of the nearest girl. "You're cute - will you marry me?"

The girl bared her teeth and automatically swatted him off her desk, sending him flying across the room and into the lap of another girl. "You don't have to marry me," he continued in a voice fit more for a salesman with asthma than a demon. "A civil arrangement will work."

"EW!" She shoved him into her seat partner's lap.

"We can just skip to the honeymoon!" he told the next one.

"EEK!" This one managed to drop-kick him in her panic.

Britomartis lay her head down on her desk, Snookie-poo – her snake familiar - sliding down her shoulders and onto the top, curling around a very large sphere of goldstone sitting on the surface. "Whomever can get rid of it, I'll offer fifty points to their house."

Students jumped up and began chasing the demon, waving wands and yelling incantations.

The demon shrieked and dashed out of the classroom, the students running after him.

Remaining in the room were George and Fred Weasley, leaning back in their chairs with their feet on their desks. Britomartis raised her head and stared at them. "Well, gentlemen, I must congratulate you on summoning a Japanese demon."

Both fell backward, their legs swinging in the air and their robes flying back to expose their Bermuda shorts and freckled, skinny legs. Britomartis kept her face straight, glad for her sunglasses covering her eyes and not letting the boys see her about to break into laughter. Somebody was ready for summer, it seemed!

Fred regained his composure. "All right, Professor Vox, you caught us. Bloody clever of you to figure out it was us."

She smiled in Slytherin House Mother coldness. "Considering I am the foremost expert on other magical cultures and folklore in this school - save for Hagrid, bless his heart - I know this particular demon is summoned by having two mirrors face each other at midnight on Friday the Thirteenth."

George grinned. "Yes, except we did it while standing in jelly and wearing our shorts."

Britomartis knew not to ask why they were standing in gelatin. "What are you going to do about it?"

Both shrugged. George answered, "He said he won't leave without taking a bride back."

Fred added, "We figure we can marry him off to Malfoy."

Britomartis smirked. "I'll get a pink frilly dress for him." Her smirk became a neutral straight line. "Take care of it, or twenty points off Gryffindor."

Fred rolled his eyes. "You're just as bad as Snape."

"Well, as long as you two keep acting up, I will be there threatening to take points away." The smirk returned. "If I'm able to catch you."

Both grinned. "Yes, ma'am!"

They got up, leaving her room to locate the demon.

Britomartis sighed and her eyes fell on the vase of flowers on her desk, the vase hand painted with the words 'With Love, from the Professor Vox Stormtroopers'. She shook her head. "Those two will be really disappointed when they find out I'm not into teenage twin boys. Pity they didn't ask sixteen years ago. Of course, they weren't even born yet."

She giggled. Two weeks until Summer Break and back home to Crete!

* * *

Professor Snape dashed through the common room of Slytherin House, his brows bunched up, his eyes widened, his normally pale skin now as white as a sheet. Gasping, he raced into the hallway of the girls' dorms and burst into the rooms of the House Mother.

"Spirals!" he whispered. "Hide me!"

Before she could say anything, he dove under her bed like an overgrown bat. A second later, he dragged in the ends of his black robe.

He held his breath as he heard the door open and a teenage female voice saying, "Excuse me, House Mother, but have you seen Professor Spank - I mean - Snape?"

"No," Britomartis replied. "Have you looked in the dungeons?"

"Yes. I went to see him because I've been a very ... bad ... student and need to be ... punished. Yes, I really need ... him ... to punish me."

"Try the library."

"Good idea!"

The door closed. After a few seconds, Britomartis' face appeared upside- down and looking at him under the bed. "She's gone, Snips. What was that all about? Did you encourage her?"

"I certainly did NOT," he replied as he slid out on his back from under her bed. "This has been going on for the last several months - I am suddenly surrounded by hormonally-challenged girl-children who seem to think I'm some sort of ... some sort of 'service stud'."

He could tell she was rolling her eyes at him. "Severus, you're so dense, you can rival a neutron star." She helped pull him out from under the bed. "Methinks the girl-children are getting desperate, now that the rumors about us are finally circulating. Come on, Minerva has something for you."

Severus' eyebrows knotted as he followed her out of the room.

* * *

"It's true, Severus," Professor Minerva McGonagall stated. "This list is a compilation of the last fifteen years' worth of teenage girl students attempting to ... get your attention."

Severus' eyes bugged as he looked over the very long parchment. "A total of one-hundred-eighty-seven counts of charms, enchantments, potions, and love spells cast on me to cause love-lust-passion to the girl in return?"

"One or twice a month," Britomartis added, reading the list over his shoulder. "At least a dozen every February around Valentine's Day."

"I didn't notice any of this!" he objected.

McGonagall smiled. "Of course not - you focus on your work like an obsessed toadstool. They all slid off or bounced back. At least ten- percent resulted in scandals involving student pregnancies and at least one set of girls left the school, married, and opened up an enchanted car-care business together."

He continued reading. "The girls in the ventilation ducts were trying to sneak into my rooms??"

The older woman nodded. "Their shape-shifting spells as rats usually wore off before they ever got to your rooms. One of the older AHP System spells, I think."

"Fifty-two counts of crystal balls being used to look into my shower??"

"Never worked," Britomartis assured him. "The AHP System kept jamming the image."

He sighed. "Keep forgetting that's in place at all."

McGonagall chuckled. "The school has been in operation for over a thousand years - our predecessors were not going to take any chances in students not paying attention on their studies while being co-ed. The 'Anti-Hanky- Panky' System was established to prevent such silliness from occurring."

"Hm," he read to himself. "Reason for all those blank stares in my class ... I thought they were dunderheads, turns out they were fantasizing." He blushed bright red. "I feel quite offended. I thought I was scaring the hell out of them."

"Scaring most all of the boys, of course, Professor Snape," McGonagall confirmed. "But there were several girls over the past fifteen years that found you ... irresistible in their hormone-addled brains."

"Why?" he asked.

Britomartis gently swatted him in the back of the head. "Because a dark, brooding, dangerous older man just screams to the romantic side of teenage girls. Face it, Snips, you're the Stud of Hogwarts."

He made an especially gruesome face of disgust. "I really would have appreciated it when I was a teenager, but now ... ugh." He began to rant. "Why didn't they do this when I was a bloody teenager??"

Britomartis ignored him as he ranted, and whispered to the Professor, "Minerva, why did you make this list, anyway?"

"Because, Martis-dear, it delights me to no end to see Professor Snape realize how thick he is."

Britomartis giggled. "Yes, it is fun seeing him rant like this."

"You two are still chaperoning the End-of-Year Ball, correct?"

"Yes. I managed to talk Severus into 'looking after the sub-amoebic offspring of eukaryotic bacteria' as he put it. He never went to the dances when we attended, so chaperoning one should be enough."

Minerva smiled gently. "No, you both were busy flying brooms over the Quidditch pitch during school dances."

Britomartis' mouth gaped open in surprise; she had made sure nobody knew that had happened! "How did you know?"

Minerva McGonagall smirked, her eyes twinkling behind her glasses. "We professors have our ways." Her mouth curled up into a cute grin. "We had to make sure nothing untoward was happening, even between friends."