Title: The Short-Lived Adventures of Lucius Malfoy, Baby Eater

Author: Manda

Rating: G

Archive: My LJ, FF.n. Feedback appreciated

Summary: Humor fic. Staring the Weasleys and Lucius Malfoy

Disclaimer: Incredibly not mine, though I suspect if J.K.R. read it, she may be at least slightly amused.

Author's note: Instead of slashy fun, or updating Reggie's or Snape's LJ on mapmakers, I did this. It's based around a fairy tale my mom told me when I was little, and inspiration struck me with it tonight. Yes, I realize it has plot holes. No, I don't care. It's a humor fic. Take it as it is, read it, and maybe it'll make you smile. But that doesn't mean it all has to make sense.

Once upon a time, in a ramshackle house near the village of Ottery St. Catchpole, lived a family of nine red-haired wizards and witches named The Weasleys. The children were at home during the day with their mother, while their father went to work at the Ministry of Magic. One day, their mother realized they were out of a few things, and needed to go get them. Deciding that her eldest 2 sons were capable of watching the rest of their siblings for two or three hours, she decided to head off to Diagon Alley to get what she needed.

Before she left, she took Bill and Charlie aside. "Now," she said, "that Big Bad Malfoy's been out and about on a child-eating spree, so I want you all to stay inside, lock the door, and don't open it for anybody. He may try to impersonate me to get to you. I'll be back in no more than three hours."

* * * * * *

Lucius Malfoy was walking through a field near the village of—he couldn't recall the name, exactly. "Otters-catch-something-something." It wasn't important. Anyway, he was wandering around, looking for yummy children to eat, when his nose caught a scent. It smelled delicious, and carefree. Like children whose mother has left them unsupervised for a few hours so could go shopping in peace. He followed his nose to the smell and smiled. Chickens and toy broomsticks littered the yard. He marched toward the door, blonde hair streaming behind him, an

As he approached the back door, he listened carefully. The disordered sounds of pandemonium drifted back to him, unaccompanied by the sounds of a stressed adult. He determined that either their mother was unconscious, or she was out. Clearing his throat, Lucius knocked on the door. Silence descended on the house. "Children," he called in a high falsetto that was almost, but not entirely, not completely unlike the screeching of a dying cat, "will you let me in? I seem to have forgotten my pocketbook."

Inside, the Weasley children had covered their ears in pain. "You're not mum!" Charlie called back. "Mum's voice is softer and doesn't cause Percy's ears to bleed!" Percy nodded in agreement and whimpered in pain, and Bill stuffed his ears with tissues to keep them from dripping on the floor.

Outside, there was silence, as Lucius performed a charm on his voice. "How's this?" he asked.

"WHAT?" asked Percy.

The others thought about it. "That's better," Fred told him, "but do you have red hair?"

Malfoy swore, and apparated home to get one of Narcissa's wigs.

* * * * * *

Ten minutes later, he returned, and knocked on the door again. "There. Now will you open the door?"

"Are you wearing a dress?" Ron asked. "Mom always wears dresses."

Lucius looked down at his robes and made a face. "Um… sort of?"

They conferred, briefly. Bill pulled the tissues out of Percy's ears so he could hear what was going on. At the door, Lucius waited, tapping his foot. The kids broke their huddle. "OK, then. But are you wearing makeup?"

He winced. Malfoy men didn't do makeup. Unless, of course, their master ordered it. He weighed the options in his mind. Did he really want to pass up on the chance to devour seven delicious children, just because he was too macho for makeup. "If I say yes, will you open the door?" he asked.

"Yes," chorused the kids.

"Ok then. I'm wearing make-up," he said, grinning like the cat that was about to eat the canary and knew nothing was going to stand in his way.

The door opened. He pounced.

The kids ran screaming, and hiding, all over the house.

* * * * * *

Molly Weasley first suspected something was wrong when she returned when she wasn't instantly pounced up on by tattling children. Figuring that maybe they were all upstairs or something, she wandered into the kitchen, and froze. Lying on the floor by the back door was a wig. And one of Ron's shoes. A whimpering sound came from one of the cupboards and she opened it, and out crawled Ginny and Ron, looking scarred for life. The instant they saw her, they pounced on her, and told her what happened.

"Mum, a man in a wig and dress was here!"

"Mum, he ate Charlie!"

"And he told us he was you!"

"And Bill!"

"But he wasn't, he was a cross dressered man like Daddy said to stay away from and he told us bad lies!"

"And Percy, and Fred, and George!"

"And he took off my shoe before I could escape!"

"QUIET!" Molly ordered. They hushed. "Now, Ronald Bilius Weasley, I want to know what happened, and I want the truth!"

"But mum! We were telling the truth!"

"AND HE MADE PERCY'S EARS BLEED!"

"HE ATE THEM ALL!"

Molly blinked. "Well, he couldn't have gotten far, with those five inside him. Let's go find him."

* * * * * *

Article excerpted from the Daily Prophet:

MALFOY BABY EATING SCANDAL, LUCIUS MALFOY ARRESTED FOR EATING WEASLEY CHILDREN AFTER BEING CAUGHT IN THE ACT OF DIGESTING BY THEIR ANGRY MOTHER

Ottery St. Catchpole—Lucius Malfoy's terrifying baby-eating spree came to an abrupt halt today when he was arrested by aurors in the act of digesting the five oldest Weasley children, after being severely hexed by their angered mother. According to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, which put a ban on baby-eating in 1776, Molly Weasley had left her children briefly to go to Diagon Alley to get what was needed for dinner that night, when Lucius Malfoy lied and tricked them into opening the door.

"I was terrified," said the oldest son, Bill Weasley. "This cross dressing man grabbed me, and next thing I knew, I was in his tummy, and when I could see again, he was covered in nasty boils and had tentacles all over his face."

"He had a really scratchy voice, and it made my ears bleed," says Percy, the third oldest.

"Literally," Adds Charlie.

"It was gross!" chips in Fred… or George. They're indenticle twins.

"He bit my butt. It hurt," adds George… or Fred. We can't tell which.

Bill, Charlie, Percy, Fred, and George, were taken immediately to St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, and are doing fine.

While the older five seem relatively ok, this incident may have had a lasting effect on the youngest two children, however. Says Ron, their youngest son, "It was gross. He tried to eat me, but I escaped. He took my shoe off though, and grabbed my pants, and tried to stick me in his mouth. I kicked him in the face and me and my sister hid in the cupboard until he went away, but we saw him eat my brothers, and it was scary. I keep having bad dreams, and mummy says I have to go see talk to a special doctor so they can make it better." Both Ron and Ginny have been admitted for psychiatric evaluation.

Mrs. Weasley is outraged that Malfoy would do this to her children, and has filed a lawsuit against his family for damages done to her children. Their father, Arthur Weasley, was unavailable for comment.

When asked to comment, Lucius replied:

"I am outraged that the wizarding community would arrest somebody for something so minor! There are far worse crimes being committed right now, while you're all paying too much attention to me. And I am filing a retaliatory suit against the Weasley family for what that awful woman did to my face! And my hair! I look better as a blonde than I do with purple hair, thank you. Really, isn't child neglect and assault a worse crime than eating a few unsupervised brats?"

Malfoy is being held in Azkaban without bleach or contact with anyone but his lawyer and family until his trial. His lawyer, Mr. Kneadta Garglemore is hoping that fact that he has never attempted to eat his own child, Draco, as well as several of Malfoy's donations to the Ministry of Magic and charity organizations such as "Save Our Dragons," will work in his favor.

Lucius Malfoy will receive a private defense hearing on Tuesday morning, in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. At that time, it will be determined whether or not he will be held for trial, and given back his bleach.