Title: Illusions of My Memories

Author: SavingRain

Rating: R for violence, language, and some sexual content (this chapter has some especially bad language in it)

Summary: After Naraku's death, Kagura tries to find her place in the world.

Pairings: Kagura/Sesshoumaru, Kagura/OC

Stones pierced her flesh and hot lips burned her cheeks. As Sesshoumaru rose over her, Kagura felt her mind become lost in a thrill of sensations: his hard body rubbing against her soft skin, the smoothness of his hair as it pooled over her neck, even the biting touch of his finger tips against her bare sides.

Overhead, the trees cast shadows that danced across Sesshoumaru's face, hiding him from Kagura's view as they wrestled in the darkness. Arms crushed her hands and legs pushed apart her thighs. When his mouth trailed over her neck she lost her will to resist, even as she told herself she should be resisting. Kagura let her head drop to the crook of Sesshoumaru's neck, preparing herself for his first thrust; when one's body is pitted against the only force that could master it, the resolve of the legs to kick weakens, and the sharpened tongue easily smooths its edges. Despite her hesitance, she had no real will to rise against Sesshoumaru and push him aside, she relished the coarse touches he gave her and the arduous attentions of his body.

She squeezed her eyes shut in acceptance as rough hands brusquely commanded hips, forcing them to sway and allowing him to slip her kimono open. The wind user blinked against the bleary darkness that loomed before her, clothing her body in soothing darkness, allowing her to believe that submission was the accepted fate of her kind. How could it be wrong to allow herself pleasure, even if its fingers were dipped in pain? Flashes of memory stirred her quiet mind, and Kagura cursed them, trying to push them away by running her hands over Sesshoumaru's chizzled front and back, curling in the sweat that had already glazed her body. She pained for him, she wanted him, but what the rest her mind would not allow her stirred the wind user's deeper thoughts: she was much more than a woman, caught between the throes of death and the keen eye of a haughty lord. Her world was not confining, no matter how intense her pain. Death would come, she was sure, but would she die with a satisfied grin on her face if it came tomorrow?

If death finally became my master and tore freedom from my grasp, would I greet it with an eager grin?

A decade ago, Kagura would not have hesitated to give her response: she would grin at death, she would tease it's trembling fingers and waiting hands. If it swallowed her whole, she would disappear inside of its maw without a second glance, pleased with the life that she had carved out for herself. Sesshoumaru made her a woman every night, and gave her a passing glance in the day. His acknowledgement was enough to cement her pride.

The pain I feel now, is much like the pain I felt then. Writhing in his arms at night , made to bend and break and loving every moment of it, I had no doubt that death would never break me. I thought what I had was enough...forceful lips and grunts of release--weren't these what a woman should accept from the one she admired for so long? I followed him and he accepted me, I never had to beg him for the things that my mind could not fathom, he bestowed them upon me with the roughness that ruled his spirit and the violence that turned his heart. With wide eyes, I moved with hm, my body and my soul were handed over with a carelessness inappropriate for one who had spent such a long time trying to free herself from bondage.

Sweat rolled down her thigh, followed by one stray hand, and the pain that followed--Kagura winced and was intensely aware of him as he dug his claws into her flesh to keep her in place, grunting as he explored her body. In that instance, it became quite easy for her to remember what a careless lover he was. Teeth raked across her lips when he claimed her mouth again, and she bristled with anger. The rising animosity within her made her face hot with more than just desire and churning blood.

How can I let myself fall this low?

Kagura seethed. Sesshoumaru was rough and domineering, bruising her skin and squeezing her sides. He had no regard for her body or its limits. As he teased her flesh into arousal, he pounded against her carelessly, creating sensations of pleasure and pain. Kagura bit her lip as she wondered how she could forget the madness with which he often took her and shook her head; even the erotic sensation of his naked body pressed against hers could not distill her frustration.

A veil of hair fell over her face, and she tried to chase the intruding thoughts away, sweeping her hands over Sesshoumaru's arms, gripping tightly to muscles as he pinned her to the ground. Pressed against his hard body, Kagura barely managed to breathe before he crushed her mouth with his, commanding her with rough lips and jagged teeth. Thoughts of choking hearts and bruised thighs would not leave her mind, and she felt blood rushing to her head as feelings of foreboding twisted in her stomach. Torn with self-hatred and disgust at the events unfolding before and around her, the wind user pinned her knees together.

Immediatly, confusion followed. Above her, Sesshoumaru's growl made her body tremble and her hands knot. He moved his hands over her thighs again. She didn't move. Ragged breathing left her body, choking out her lungs with the pressure that surrounded her, buried inside of his flesh. Like a catalyst to a funnel, she was channeling everything into her body, without the compulsion to let go. Her nails dug into his back and a strangled moan escaped her when her bare breasts rubbed against his chest.

Her mind buzzed and she felt old thoughts wash away, and Sesshoumaru's grip on her thighs tightened as her resolve to pin her knees together lessened.

I'm better than this!

WIth a stern grunt, Kagura locked her legs back in place and threw her head back, denying Sesshoumaru access to her mouth or face.

The lord paused, and with an exasperation that Kagura had never seen him openly express, removed himself, only slightly.

Squeezing her eyes shut, Kagura forcefully removed herself completely from his eager grasp and brought one hand up, pushing against his chest until he relented his grip. Sesshoumaru growled briefly in protest--his eyes aglow with primal energy, before he calmed himself and allowed her to move from beneath him.

With some disdain, the wind-user managed to note how labored her own breathing was in comparison to his. Her heart was beating rapidly within her chest, and she pulled herself upright on the grass to watch him move away.


"I don't recall asking you to touch me." The words spilled out of her mouth at a messy pace, and Kagura chastised herself for not having the fortitude to back them up with hardened eyes.

Wiping a stray hair from her brow, she allowed her eyes to travel down Sesshoumaru's muscular body before returning her gaze to his face. Embarrassment clouded her thoughts, and at once she was fully aware of her features, still blooming with the same arousal she had experienced upon fist coming into contact with his member. She squeezed her eyes shut briefly before taking stock of him again, this time keeping her gaze level with his own. His expression was blank, but he was clearly angry, studying her with a cautious and haughty air.

The Dog Lord didn't seem ready or willing to speak, and the wind-user wrapped her arms around her body, finally noticing her nudity. With a practiced hand, she slipped her kimono back onto her shoulders and brought it closed over her breasts. When she looked up from her task she saw that Sesshoumaru had already clothed himself and was glaring at her with all of the force that he could muster. For a few minutes she was afraid he would close the distance between them and rip her head off of her body.

Neither of these things happened. He simply continued to observer her, every twitch of her muscles, every pulse of blood that ran through her veins. His resentment of her rejection was clear. Trying her best to put his fearsome eyes out of her mind, Kagura hastily tied her obi and waited for him to say something again. However, Sesshoumaru had no need to, presence was enough to ensure that she understood what she had done. His brow lowered in anger.

A woman refused me...

The action was ludicrous--for Kagura to resist him verbally was one thing, but to deny him access to her body?

This body, which I previously was free to exercise full reign over.

He ran his eyes over her sweat soaked brow and hidden curves. Only moments ago, he had been close to entering her depths. Now, because of her refusal, Kagura was beyond his reach. Her will was denying him. Somehow that action was more frustrating than anything else she could have done.

She will permit an inferior male to have access to her body, but cannot allow me entrance? If I cannot bend her to my will or dismiss her from my presence, then how can she be controlled?

His eyes narrowed further when she stood, daring to appear nonchalant and fix her hair, preening herself like a common whore in his presence.

A woman who is willing to present herself to me with all of the brusqueness of a man and the fierceness of a warrior. A woman who is cowardly against those who can defeat her, and yet defiant before me--and now she finally spurns me, with the one instrument that I can utilize to control her is beyond my reach.

Kagura smoothed her hands over her sides and rescued her fan from the ground, slipping it comfortably into her hand. Sesshoumaru still watched her.

Her body had always been a means for control. Kagura is a woman who is not submissive by nature or by choice, rather, she is defiant in every movement of her body and every dance of speech on her tongue. Her very attacks are totems of her freedom: her winds are reckless and cannot be guided by a deft hand or a commanding voice, no matter how fiercely she may cry them out. The blades of wind maim enemies in messy displays of force.

His brow fell further as he watched her stretch her arms over her head, tilting her head to the side, exposing her beautiful neck and a small bit of skin from where she had failed to tie her obi tightly earlier. This was not what Sesshoumaru had in mind when he had decided to take her. Kagura was supposed to let him exercise his will on her, and give her body to him so that he could claim himself as dominant and still her biting words and angry defiance.

An insufferable woman...

She stood before him, now more relaxed and brushing the dirt from her clothing. She wiped a smudge from her cheek and made a face at the mark on her hands.


His words hit Kagura with a frightful force, and she was visibly taken aback as his eyes bore into her.

"Excuse me?"

Her throat felt dry and her mouth was sluggish--the new ruler of the Northern Lands could barely manage a steady word between her lips.

"I will not repeat myself." Sesshoumaru turned his back to her and stared out into the distance.

Kagura folded her arms across her chest and sneered, then she laughed.

"Eeh?" She chuckled to herself, surprised at his puerile request and her own amusement with the situation that she was in. She had refused him. He had every right to run her through with Toukijin and wipe her off of the face of the earth.

When he's done with me, I will be nothing but a blood stain on his sword.

It's funny how things come back to me now, memories are like a rising fire, they start in wild sparks and engulf everything they touch in smoke and ash. If you tempt them with the right kindling, they will devour everything in sight.

What Sesshoumaru had just tried to do was kindling--dry and easy to burn, it was bring forth hot white flames that were tearing Kagura's minds into ashes.

Looking at him now, it is easy for me to see how I became so enchanted with him. Sesshoumaru, an arrogant, controlling bastard, who once came to me every night and coaxed my body into his fondness desires. It is easy to remember what I hated but couldn't help loving about him: his hands are rough and uncaring, and his body is hard with a stiffness that yields more pain than pleasure. If I had known the way a woman could be touched when he took me those nights, I would never have let him take me again. He's pathetic now, glaring at me with his golden eyes and his fine face. How painful is it to be tossed aside? I wonder what you are thinking now--are you fuming and lost like I was when you sent me away so many years ago?

Of course not.

"You are too much of a man to give a care to what I know or feel," the words were lazy and dripped off of Kagura's tongue, crawling from the inside of her gut and for all to see, dancing on the edges of flames. Sesshoumaru's expression didn't change. "Are you going to send me away for rejecting you?"

The laugh in her voice was gone, replaced by an icy pain, an empty, acrid hurt. If Sesshoumaru knew how easily Kagura's respect for him could be broken, he would have persisted in his effort to send her away. To him, once a woman forgot her fondness for a lord, it would be easy to create a new relationship, one that was beyond teacher and pupil or master and servant. He could have deciphered a way to make bend her to him, and have his fun in doing it. If respect was what she needed to allow him into her bed, then why permit Azumamaro the same luxury? Fear was all he needed, he and he could be sure that admiration would follow. All of these notions were incorrect, but they ran through his thoughts like water through a strainer, spilling out into the reality that--as far as he knew--there was no real way to deter Kagura's respect, or her trust. These were two constants that gave her a witty tongue and a resistant body.

A resistant body--

He bristled with indignation.

Years ago, she had inclined her head to him and let him roam parts of her body that he had never seen and tease the regions that she kept hidden from view. Her soft folds were open to him, and he tasted her flesh and caressed her virgin skin.

"It's true isn't it?" she prodded him, circling him with one raised eyebrow, even as he quaked with anger. Her face softened a bit at his expression, and she allowed herself to look at him with all of the honesty she could muster.

He wanted me, and I spurned him.


Kagura lowered her head slightly, squeezing her eyes shut.

Can't you call me by my name?

"We are leaving."

"No." Kagura shook her head defiantly, tucking her fan into her sash and plucking a feather from her hair. "Tell me, Sesshoumaru-sama, do you enjoy forcing me to do as you say and throwing me down in the grass like an animal?"

His eyes narrowed.

"You are treading on dangerous ground, woman."

Kagura ignored his tone and continued speaking. "I don't enjoy it, Sesshoumaru. I've decided to take the lordship of the Northern Lands because I think it would be in my best interest, not because of your shallow needs."

He glared at her.

"Am I to believe that you complain about your duties because you are pleased with them?" The rage in his voice was almost palpable.

The ruler of the Northern Lands bit her lip sourly, regarding him with a wicked eye.

"I've complained," she admitted, "but I want this, and if I'm going to keep it, I can't allow myself to be ruled by you, especially when you could care less about my concerns."

Sesshoumaru's eyes flicked to hers, with a look of clear indifference.

"Your concerns are not mine." He affirmed this without hesitation, reminding Kagura of his status and importance, and of how trivial she was in his grand view.

But does that really matter to me?

The corners of her mouth twitched slightly with a hidden smile.

No, it does not.

"We are leaving." Sesshoumaru threw the words about casually, turning his back on her and descending down the path.

Kagura watched him for a moment, and then, with a brilliance that only she could posess, quite easily made what could have been the most difficult decision of her life. "No, I'm leaving."

Flicking her wrist out, she released her vessel and disappeared into a whirlwind of dust.

Sesshoumaru watched her, dumbfounded.