Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII is the property of Square-Enix. No profit is sought from this work.

Warning: Sex has potentially long-term repercussions. For example, you thought this fic was long over but it isn't. You have my sincere apologies. I honestly thought it was done too, but something came up. You'll see what I mean.

The Pursuit of Pleasure


In the town of Not-Perfect, even the pitch black sanctity of late night was marred. On this particular occasion, the stillness near one Gilded Lily Motel was being interrupted by several forms of rhythmic banging. A headboard was banging against a wall, the next-door neighbor was banging on the other side and Sephiroth and Aeris were banging each other. After everything they had been through in their quest for latex lingerie, they deserved an evening's entertainment.

They did have to stop now and then. Flattening mattresses was hard work. It took a lot out of them and they needed to refuel. Aeris wanted to have a noodle dish, but unfortunately for her it came out limp and cold. Sephiroth was pretty happy with his fish dinner though. By the time he finished his meal, Aeris' had reheated nicely and she was more than a little hungry. She had a very healthy appetite and Sephiroth had to say that there were few sights more satisfying than the way she could scarf down a good hard salami.

They opted to rest up a bit before getting back to work. Sephiroth told Aeris about how good the masamune was for trimming the buff and she told him her favorite methods of seed planting. They were about to get into some hands-on demonstrations when their quiet little interlude was interrupted by some knocking action at the front door.

"What the hell?" Sephiroth grunted and walked over, just as he was, to see what the commotion was about. He opened the door to find a short, balding guy in a bathrobe. The man did not look to happy to begin with. When he saw everything that Sephiroth wasn't wearing, he turned completely white.

"Holy hell, can't you make yourself decent before you open the door?" He appeared to be trying hard not the stare, but Mr. Masamune had a way of drawing the eye.

"I was busy," Sephiroth grunted.

"Yeah, I heard." The man turned away so he would not have to face Mr. Masamune directly. Being reminded of personal inadequacies stung. "Look, can't you kids keep it down?"

Sephiroth glared. "No."

"What d'ya mean 'no'?"

Sephiroth was feeling a little mellowed out from all the long hours of field plowing and oyster shucking he'd been doing, so in a rare move, he gave the man a second chance. "I mean no, I have no intention of keeping it down. As long as it can come up, I'm going to let it."

The little bald man started turning red. "You damned inconsiderate sonuvabi-."

"I'd advise you to return to your room," Sephiroth warned, calling the steel Masamune to his hand. "If you keep testing my patience I'll see to it that your happy trail leads to a dead end."

Having to face two massive swords was just too much. The man went pale again and backed away.

Sephiroth did not wait for him to get too far before slamming the door shut. He returned to the bed where Aeris was waiting for him.

"All taken care of?"

"Yeah, just some guy thinking we were being too noisy. I told him where to shove it. It can't be helped if fixing the plumbing's loud business."

"Shall we get back to it?" Aeris prowled across the bed and reached for her favorite tool. Sephiroth merrily obliged her and proceeded to lay pipe till the wee hours of the morning.

Dawn found them tangled in the sheets, soaking in the calm. "So," Sephiroth began, "How was it?"

Aeris exhaled and gave him an extremely satisfied look. "Your reputation is well-deserved, Soldier."

"Good." Sephiroth grinned. "You want breakfast? I have a hot roll with cream."

"Sure, why not? One more for the road." Aeris reached for the box on the nightstand and looked inside. "Oh, no!"

Sephiroth froze. His heart sank straight to his stomach. "What is it?"

Aeris shook the empty box and confirmed what Sephiroth dreaded most. "We're out of pole protectors. You're going to have to go out and get some more."



"Hm, new email." The student clicked the icon and sluggishly began to read. It was late and night and she was exhausted, as usual, but the content of the letter made her sit up. She knew some of her work did not sit well with some people and she had been subjected to her share of complaints, but this was a little out of the ordinary.

Dear Ms. Morrigu,

I have recently read a story of yours entitled 'The Pursuit of Pleasure' and I have to say that I am absolutely appalled at the content. I find it insulting that you would waste your ability by stooping so low. You may brush off what you do as simple entertainment, but when your 'entertainment' involves such blatant mischaracterization and senseless ribaldry, I find I cannot sit idly by.

"Oh, lordy," said the student. "Well, at least this one can spell."

Your representation of Sephiroth is completely off-base. You may find the idea of the Great SOLDIER acting in such a disgraceful manner amusing, but I certainly do not. In fact, I find your attitude to be supremely arrogant and your taste in entertainment is absurd.

"So?" The student said dryly. "I'm not running for Miss Universe, stranger. What the hell should it matter to me what you think?"

I cannot believe that you would so thoroughly degrade the personality of a man as great as Sephiroth. I am in a position to understand him intimately, far better than you ever could and I can refute every one of the insinuations you made in your libelous work.

"Wow, this one's cracked."

You represent him as having the great failing of obeying his lower instincts above all else when in fact, he would never allow such matters to take precedence over the task at hand. While he is obviously a powerful man and I suppose someone like you cannot help but wonder at certain aspects of his taste and ability, I will have you know that he prefers to keep these matters private, as they should be. Neither his partners, his preferences nor his methods are up for discussion by the likes of you. It is an insult, both to him and to me, that you would place such foul speculative fiction within reach of the public.

The student sighed. "Three words – back button, freak."

I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you are willing to learn. If you care to truly understand the General and his motivations, I would be more than willing to instruct you. I hope you will accept my offer because I sincerely do not wish to see a repeat occurrence of this. The General and I have an intimate relationship.. He has always trusted my judgment, though ultimately all decisions are his own. He is above being concerned with speculation by the likes of you, but since I feel so strongly about this, he has agreed to allow me to correct your misconceptions.

"Mother fried turkey, this one's real special."

I look forward to hearing from you and promise to answer any questions you may have to the best of my ability, providing that the General approves of my disseminating the particulars, of course.


Mr. Masamune.


The student stared agape at the screen. She blinked several times, but the name did not change. "What the hell?" She scrambled to check the name again and crosscheck it against the email address.

"Mr.Masamune at Sephspants dot com... That can't be real." She checked her glass but there was nothing stronger in there than lemonade. She glanced around nervously. If she could get an email like that, there was no telling who or what was watching.

She went down to the kitchen for a refill. There was nothing like a cold drink to clear her head. She leaned against the counter, staring at the fridge as she sipped slowly. There was a lot to think about but her mind kept getting stuck on one particular aspect. She sighed. In a case like this, maybe some sort of response was in order.

She went back upstairs and began to type.

Dear Mr. Masamune,

I was truly surprised to receive your email and I regret having so greatly insulted you and the General. Please be assured that this was unintentional on my part. It is true I am entertained by strange things, but had I known for certain what the General was like or that there was in fact someone like you, able and willing to instruct me on the finer points of the General's personality, I would most likely have taken a different approach.

I appreciate your generous offer to correct my impressions of the General. I realize that someone as close to the source as you are must have a much better picture of what the man himself is like. I look forward to learning as much as you are able to teach me. However, at the moment, there is only one question on my mind.

How exactly did you write that letter?


Ardwynna Morrigu

A.N.:Now it's over. Honest