A very big hannon le to Dippy for coming up with the Madagascar plan. It's rather logical when you think about it… "Orlando Bloom ruined everything."
"The Song of Amroth" belongs to Tolkien. Damn him! The "Lament for Gandalf" however belongs to Howard Shore and Philippa Boyens. Damn them as well. (Stupid Enya.)
Warning: You thought I was mean to Movie Arwen? Legolas fans, prepare yourselves.
I'd also like to thank everyone who reviewed the last chapter, unfortunately not all the reviews were sent and I felt bad thanking you all personally while those four people were left unaccounted for. So next time I'll get off my ass and thank all you lovely reviewers properly.
KATLA: Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Shabat Shalom! This is dedicated to you. Thanks for getting my ass (arse if you're Cassie) into gear. Pray I didn't butcher you too much.
A/N: One final thing before I shut up, the big chunk in italics near the end of each chapter will always be the fan fic we're writing within the fan fic. Hopefully that made sense, but then again, I am very small.
Episode Two: Legolas vs. Nancy
Laurelindórenan, Third Age, 3019
Bathing their weary feet in the Nimrodel's waters, the Fellowship was completely unaware of the soft splashing noise coming from downstream.
Dippy was too busy gracefully attempting to stay in one place, without being swept away, to notice that Cujo's short attention span had once again fouled up everything, causing the girl to chase after a small fish near the opposite bank.
"I don't want to hurt you, I just want your life!" she screamed with glee, leaping up and down. At least their position near the Celebrant covered up her drunken antics rather effectively.
It had been Dippy's idea to travel via the Nimrodel in an attempt to catch the Silvan Prince unawares, it had been Cujo's to travel against the stream's current. In hindsight, not a good idea either. But then again, Cujo wasn't known for her ideas, or her intelligence for that matter. Rather, she was known for her foul-ups in most any situation.
Dippy on the other hand was known for her unbending will and ability to frighten off anyone within a thirty foot radius. Not really a helpful talent when you think about it, but a talent nonetheless.
After uselessly floundering around for several more minutes, Dippy was able to pull herself onto the bank. Unfortunately, said bank was on the wrong side of the river. Cujo was laughing at her from the other side of the Nimrodel repeating over and over again to herself, "Hey Beni, looks like you're on the wrong side of the river."
In no mood for being the brunt of any jokes, Dippy stormed angrily, if it is at all possible to seem angry while trudging through Hobbit-knee deep water, towards her frightened friend.
"Do you hear the voice of Nimrodel?" Legolas was asking the Company in his cheerfully melodic voice.
It wasn't the voice of Nimrodel that drifted over the sound of the waterfall, but Cujo's cry of, "Please don't hurt me! I'll be good I… Hey, a squirrel!"
The black squirrels of Mirkwood weren't known to be in this area of Middle-earth, leaving Dippy with the realization that this particular mammal wasn't one known for climbing trees and eating nuts. Sure the girl standing before them in a full length squirrel suit had that wild-eyed, "I'm about to be hit by a car" look, but most fangirls where stricken with that glassy eyed stare.
"You!?!" The girl half questioned, half demanded, pointing at Cujo.
"You!?!" Cujo mockingly replied.
Dippy gave this creature the once over. All the signs were there: The "I Love Legolas" buttons pinned to her fur, the faint smell of Lembas and strawberry scented bubble bath, the life size Orlando Bloom cut-out positioned next to her, it was all pretty obvious. This thing standing before her was a… a… "FRESHMAN!" Dippy screamed. "I mean," she said clearing her throat, "Do you two know each other?"
"No," they answered simultaneously.
"A star was bound upon her brows,
A light was on her hair
As sun upon the golden boughs
In Lórien the fair.
Her hair was long, her limbs were white,
And fair she was and free;
And in the wind she went as light
As leaf of linden-tree."
Dippy shook her head back on forth. It was obvious, not only by the way her hands were wrapped firmly around Cujo's neck, but by the angry look on her face that she was less than pleased. "You drag me to Middle-earth again, we get accosted by strange fangirls, and everything turns into a bloody song-fic!"
"It's Katla's fault," Cujo managed to squeak, jerking her head in the squirrel's direction.
The young fangirl however was no longer listening to their squabbles, nor did she care to. Instead, her eyes were fixed on the nearest ridge, where Legolas was waiting, vulnerable, and singing.
"I'm coming meleth nin!" she cried, holding her tail in one hand and running out of sight.
Once the shock wore off, Dippy released Cujo, letting her fall to the ground in a very unceremonious manner. "Well that was beyond confusing," she mused.
"No it wasn't!"
"Of course it wouldn't be confusing to you. A confusing person perfectly understands the inconsequentiality of such events and all their foibles. This child, has been a proven fact since the epoch of our creation."
"If I stick my tongue out far enough, I can touch my nose!"
Before being able to reprimand Cujo for such an idiotic remark, Dippy felt an eerie presence behind her and something hard against her back. "I know, it's not a gun, you're just very, very tall," Dippy commented, laughing silently to herself.
When she turned around however, it wasn't a gun, it wasn't even a misshapen carrot; instead, it was a very irate wood elf, and he was more than angry, as evidence of the bow aimed at her head informed her. "What brings such strange travelers to Lothlórien in these dark times?" Legolas asked bitterly.
"Porn and chocolate."
"That's Canada, idiot," Dippy corrected, jabbing Cujo in the ribs. "Allow me. We are here, on a quest if you will, to capture the elusive Greenwood squirrel. We've been tracking one for some time now, have you seen it?"
After several moments of contemplation, Gimli decided to reply. "Well, we saw a faint ominous shadow lurking around, would that count?"
"Only if it wasn't Gollum."
Coming up with a plausible excuse to drag Legolas away kicking and screaming was ever present in both the girls minds, but their thought processes were halted as Katla came running in from the other direction.
"Would that qualify as Gollum?" Pippin asked, hiding behind Aragorn.
Any answer was swallowed up by Legolas' screams of "Get it off me!" and Katla's equally annoying, "LEGGY!" It wasn't long before the entire assembled Company knew that their retaliation could be nothing compared to the strength of a rabid fangirl.
And so with heavy hearts, the seven remaining members of the Fellowship left their friend for dead, silently praying that Ulmo's music could bring him back after the squirrel was done having her way with him.
"I told you that fangirls were good for something," Cujo said rather smugly.
"That remains to be seen."
Legolas was crossing the courtyard in his very chic silver kimono, water pitcher in hand. "Perhaps," Cujo wondered, "He's going to milk the cows." But that was highly illogical. After all, Arwen was still in Rivendell.
"Cujo, why? Why does everything we do end up turning into a musical?"
"Because nobody loves you. Now be quiet."
"A Olorin i yaresse
Tirien i Romenori
Maiarion i Oiosaila
Mana elye etevanne
Norie i melanelye?"
"A lament for Gandalf," Legolas said to no one in particular.
Merry appeared to be the only one vaguely interested in talking to the color-coordinated Elf nancing before them. "What do they say about him?"
"I haven't the heart to tell you. For me, the grief is still too near." Of course, this was all said in rather breathy tones, and no one actually listened to his explanation. Sam in fact was too busy thinking about fireworks and other Hobbity things to notice that Legolas had talked in the first place.
Aragorn on the other hand decided to walk over to Boromir and confess his unrequited love. Dippy wondered why this hadn't made it into the actual film.
Sensing their opportunity, Dippy called out into the clearing: "Help, I'm lost and naked," then as if on second thought, "And I'm a girl!" The Elf quickly turned his head, walking towards the sound emanating several feet away.
As he drew closer, Dippy began to unzip the backpack she had brought with her. At the same time, Cujo slinked back to the rope they had set up, and took out her scissors in preparation.
Dippy placed the animal onto the path. "RABBBIT!" Legolas cried, pointing at the furry mammal crossing his path. "LEMBAS!" he said in exactly the same vein as the Elvish way bread flew in front of his face. "HOBBIT IN ROLLER SKATES!" (Poor Pippin.)
He stopped after the miniature schnauzer ran past, expecting some object to hit him in its projectory. Hearing a slight ripping noise he looked up. "ANVIL!"
New Jersey, 21st Century, 2004
Katla was standing guard, scimitar in hand. Dippy was a little reticent about giving her the position, she knew that if either Legolas' escaped their bonds, Cujo's friend was more likely to kiss them than break their kneecaps. The former was a far more effective method of torture in any case.
"Hair color," Dippy began, "what would you call yours?"
Movie Legolas was the first to speak. "Blonde."
"Right, that's what I said. Blonde."
Subject L2 is cursed with the notion that he is female. "And how about you Book Legolas?"
He had gone considerably pale and was frantically clutching at his tunic. "Err, ummm, what I mean to say is… Dark brown?"
And in every corner of the globe, from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe, movie-verse Legolas fangirls spontaneously combusted.
"Do you hear that screaming?" Dippy asked as a two ton truck crashed into their laboratory.
"I think it was the fabric of time ripping," Katla replied from the corner of the room. "I'm a bookie," she explained to the stunned group standing in front of her, before they all retreated to the basement.
Once reassembled, Dippy continued. "How many fans do you have?"
Legolas, slightly relieved that he could actually answer this question, responded with a simple, "Hundreds."
"Hah, that's nothing. I have 10,893.5, and they're all female. Well, except for the .5 of course, we're pretty sure that one's a hermaphrodite."
"Right… Please finish this sentence. When Orlando Bloom wins an Oscar… "
Canon-incorrect Legolas was the only willing participant to answer the question. "I can die a happy Elf."
Dippy laughed right in his face before replying in her most serious "why is this guy a complete and utter fop" voice. "I'm sorry, the correct answer was: monkeys will fly out of my ass."
"Okay, enough jibber jabber, it's multiple choice time," Cujo said, trying to bring an end to all the foolishness. Her Mr. T like response however had ruined any hopes of that.
"Question number one: Given the fact that many people are incredibly attracted to you, would you sleep with A. Jack Nicholson, B. Lestat, C. Liza Minelli, or D. Tony Orlando?"
"Are all of those men?" Nancy asked.
Cujo flipped through her notes. "Probably."
"In that case, I'd have to go with D."
Book Legolas, having no idea who anyone mentioned was, just answered B, to be on the safe side.
"Question number two: My preferred style of clothing is A. casual with green and brown accents, a bow, and light boots, B. mini-skirt, high boots, and a slutty jewel (in her own right) clinging to me named Helen, C. completely naked atop an oliphaunt, or D. a hat with a ridiculously oversized feather?"
"Can we pick more than one answer?"
"You know what, you annoy me! Fill out the form yourself!"
Aliases: Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood, Silvan Prince
Direct Relations: Thranduil (Father), Gimli (Faithful Friend)
Intelligence Compared to an Ape: Higher
Strength of Kneecaps (1-10): 2, Weak
Special Skills: Bowmanship, making Dwarf friends, walking on snow, and building ships out of toothpicks.
Other Comments: Very good at kayaking.
Aliases: The Lemur, Captain Obvious, Mellon Nin (my friend in Sindarin), Leggy
Direct Relations: Gimli (Life Partner)
Intelligence Compared to an Ape: Lower, also lower than that of genital crabs.
Strength of Kneecaps (1-10): 8, Strong
Special Skills: Stating the obvious, staying inexplicably clean, annoying the audience, and tennis.
Other Comments: Unknown parentage gives way to theory that subject was raised by Wargs.
"Now Legolas, since the fangirl world discovered that you're not blond, you're now a social outcast. Here's a cardboard box and some peanuts. Have a nice day," Dippy told the very dejected Prince, shooing him out the door.
"And as for you," Cujo laughed, focusing on Nancy, "We have much better plans."
"Oooh, does it involve packing peanuts?"
It wasn't long before the familiar dark hair came into view, and Arwen gracefully leapt off Liv towards her childhood friend. It had been so long since they had seen each other, and it appeared that he was going through a mid-immortality crisis.
"I accidentally killed Gimli," he told her, holding up a broken oar and gallon of mayonnaise.
Arwen comforted him the best she could, stroking his hair while trying breaking his kneecaps with a shovel. It wasn't often that he exposed himself to her thus, unless of course a trench coat was involved, but Arwen was too happy that she had companionship to care.
"Do not fret Legolas, we shall go and ask my grandparents if this is true. Now, dry your eyes my little vagabond, everything is going to be all right."
"Thank you Undómiel. I always thought you were good for something other than firewood," he said, notching an arrow and aiming it at Liv.
Madagascar, 20th Century, 1980
"Don't look at me like that," Dippy said, slapping Legolas across the face. "We brought you leg warmers and a CD of WHAM'S! Greatest Hits. It even has the Jitterbug." She waved the presents tantalizingly close to his face, and he snatched them from her clutches.
"But I'll be lonely here," he whined.
Little did he know that Katla was perched on the branch next to him… In a lemur suit. He found out soon enough though, for as soon as Cujo and Dippy started to leave, they could hear her screaming, "Come back! We can make babies!"
"You know Cujo, I was thinking, fangirls are kind of like Freud's Theory of Penis Envy. The only reason they stalk and obsess over these characters is because they want to be an Elf, Hobbit, Female Wizard, or Elf/Hobbit/Unicorn. Otherwise there would be no need for such relentless pursuits and crappy fan fiction. What do you think?"
"I think that if I were to keep any animal in my pants, it would be a platypus."
Coming Sooner, Episode Three: Galadriel and Celeborn vs. Sonnydrel and Chereborn… Unless I can come up with a better title. Any ideas?
And now, an IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT from our sponsor: Join Cujo's New Community: the Jazz Hand Brigade, whose title has nothing to do with what it's actually about. In fact, it was originally created for Arwen and Legolas bashing purposes, but now it's also just to talk and participate in fan fiction related crap. So JOIN… everyone's invited. (Well, almost everyone.)
It won't let me post a link, so you can find it in my profile, or under the community user name: goback2mirkwood