THE EVA MATRIX REGURGITATED

Oh, Dear Heaven, He's Doing It Again

A Shameless Attempt at Humor by Ben Da Mad

Based Extremely Roughly on "The Matrix Reloaded" by the Wachowski Brothers

Characters and Situations Horribly Corrupted from "Neon Genesis Evangelion" by Hideaki Anno

And Every Other Anime I Could Shove In

THE USUAL CYA: In case the point hasn't quite gotten across yet, I don't own any of the characters or situations in this story. This is a work of parody. Yeah...like you actually thought that Shinji Ikari, Man Without Spine, could ever be Neo the Ever Ass-Kicking. Seriously, did you?

AUTHOR'S RAMBLINGS: Well, I have finally seen the entire Matrix trilogy, and while I think there are plot holes in it that one could drive a truck through, I'm not the one who's making 80 gazillion smackers off of it. Therefore, I merely intend to once more make fun of it. So I appreciate everyone who's been bugging me to write a sequel to the critically-acclaimed "The Eva Matrix." And for all five of you that actually care, I still intend to write more of "Evangelion: Evolution," but right now I want to write something silly.

Prepare thyself...

The city's quiet was shattered by the sound of breaking safety glass and the eruption of missile fire.

From the 68th floor, a battlearmored figure fell, trailing shards of glass and smoke. It twisted in midair to fire upwards as a young woman dressed in a black fuku leapt from the shattered window. Without fear, the woman followed the battlesuit towards the distant street below. She too twisted in midair, avoiding the clouds of mini-missiles fired her way. As she dodged the last missile, she raised her hands, her eyes blazing with red fire. "SUPREME THUNDER!" she shouted, and a bolt of pure, raw power exploded from her white-gloved hands. It crossed the distance between the woman and the battlesuit in an eyeblink and cored through the suit's armor, to penetrate the flesh beneath.

Asuka Langely Soryu's mouth opened in a silent scream as she realized she was going to die.

In the real world, Shinji Ikari's eyes snapped open. He stiffened and for a moment fought against the bedcovers. Then realization dawned that, for good or bad, he was awake. He looked around frantically, only relaxing when he saw the sleeping, nude form of Asuka curled up next to him. Hand trembling, he touched her face lightly, just enough to make sure she was real, but not enough to wake her. Asuka smiled in her sleep and her hand briefly tightened on his chest.

There was no sleeping now, Shinji decided. Carefully so as not to wake Asuka, he got up from the bed, got dressed, and left their conjugal cabin.

The Bebop sailed through the vast, titanic sewer systems and tunnels, gently rising and falling on its drive systems. The converted fishing vessel was not sleek or even aesthetically pleasing, but it was functional, which was all its crew cared about. To them, the Bebop had often represented everything they fought for, more even than the Geofront, the last otaku city.

The Geofront was firmly on Makoto Hyuga's mind as he watched the tunnel walls spiral past. The short-range sensors were clear, but it was all he could do not to keep searching for Inus–the dreaded sentinels of the Censors, the ratings-driven monsters that had destroyed otakudom and now hunted the survivors relentlessly. "Sir," he said quietly, "are you sure about this?"

In another time, Gendo Ikari would have quickly squelched any dissent, but that Gendo Ikari was long dead. "I told you," Gendo said reassuringly, "we're going to be all right."

Makoto swallowed as he looked over the long-range sensors. "I understand, Commander, it's just that...well, I'm scoping some serious Inu activity up here–"

"Makoto."

"Yes, sir?"

"Given your situation, I can't say I fully understand your reasons for volunteering to operate onboard my ship." Gendo paused for effect. "However, if you wish to do so, I must ask you to do one thing."

"Shut up?"

"Very well, two things. Trust me is the other one."

"Yes, sir, I will sir–I mean, I do, sir."

"I hope so," Gendo replied with a trace of the old menace. "Now patch the main AC to the hard drives and stand by to broadcast."

Makoto looked confused. "Uh, sir, I don't quite understand what you mean..."

"Plug in the computer and turn it on."

"Yes, sir. Got it, sir. Shutting up, sir."

Shinji sat in a metal chair in the Bebop's tiny but functional galley. He drank from a battered tin cup, some of the vile brake fluid-type substance that passed for coffee, lost in thought.

The door opened to admit Asuka, dressed in the same Goodwill rejects that everyone else wore. "Still can't sleep?" she asked without preamble. He shook his head, so Asuka sat down next to him, putting an arm around his shoulders. "You wanna talk, baka?"

He smiled slightly. In the six months since he had done the impossible–defeated an Agent Scout–his relationship with Asuka had deepened. They had quickly gone from cute pecks on the lips to deep soul kissing to wild monkey sex. Yes, folks, that's right: Shinji finally scored. While Asuka never quite glomped him like she had Ryoji Kaji in another life, they were inseperable. Asuka still called him baka, but it was always with affection.

"They're just dreams," Shinji told her. It was not quite the truth. He wanted to believe they were dreams, but Shinji also felt something was drastically wrong.

"If you're afraid of something..." Asuka began.

"I just wish...I wish I knew what I'm supposed to do." He looked at Asuka painfully. "That's all. I just wish I knew." Deep down, Shinji also wished he could, just once, get a role in an anime spinoff or a short story that didn't involve him being dragged through the mud emotionally.

Asuka kissed his cheek. "She's gonna call. Don't worry."

Makoto stuck his head through the open hatchway. "There you are!" Mentally, Makoto thanked heaven that Asuka and Shinji were only talking. One time he had come into the galley and caught Shinji giving Asuka the Aunt Jemima Treatment. That had taken some time to get over.

Asuka looked up. "Are we ready to go?"

"We're already late."

The room was dimly lit, barely ventilated, hot, and smelled of unwashed socks. And fear. Gathered in the steel-walled chamber were twenty people, all to one extent or another desperate, angry, and scared. They had not met like this in weeks, and the fact that they were made the news not good. Not good at all.

Rally Vincent tossed a sheaf of computer printouts onto the room's sole furnishing, a steel table. "These geotherms confirm the last transmission of the Cha Cha Maru." She looked around the room, hands on her hips. "The Censors are digging. They're boring from the surface straight down to the Geofront."

"Oh, crap," spat Tetsu Hayumi.

"They'll avoid the perimeter defense," nodded Duo Maxwell.

"Gee, it's awfully hot in here," said Yurika Misumaru. "Think we could go outside?" Everyone ignored her.

"How fast are they moving?" Robin asked.

"Magi estimates their descent at a hundred meters an hour." Rally held up a hand to forestall the next question. "They're almost two thousand meters deep."

Hayumi picked up one of the printouts, swore, and dropped it onto the table. "What about the scans from the Cha Cha Maru?"

"They can't be accurate," Maxwell snapped. "No way!"

"They might be," Rally sighed.

"It's not possible," Maxwell insisted. "That'd mean there are a quarter million Inus out there!"

"Yep."

"No way," Maxwell repeated.

"Way." The people in the room turned as Gendo Ikari, dressed in his typical outfit of jacket, slacks, and red turtleneck, walked in and took a seat at the table. Behind him stood Asuka and Shinji, dressed in what was now their customary Eva Matrix wear, plugsuits. "And why not? An Inu for every man, woman, child, Chobit, and Pokemon in the Geofront. That sounds exactly like the thinking of some unfeeling Censor. Get everyone in their ratings base, or kill them all."

Rally Vincent's mouth quirked into not quite a smile. "Gendo, glad you could join us."

"Rally," Gendo said by way of greeting. He turned to the others in the room. "My apologies. As you are all undoubtedly aware, it has become increasingly difficult to locate a secure broadcast position."

"Not since Teen Titans came on," nodded Robin Sera.

"Mainlines are crawling with Inus," added Hayumi. "And if Rally's right, in 72 hours there's gonna be a quarter million more."

"Oh, gee, this is sooo bad," Yurika said. "What're we going to do about it?"

"What Admiral Hunter ordered us to do," Rally snapped. "We'll evacuate broadcast level and return to the Geofront."

"And does the Admiral have a plan for stopping 250,000 Inus? We can't make them all sit." Gendo smiled at his little joke.

"A strategy is being formulated. He's got a plan," Rally insisted.

"So did Custer."

Behind Gendo, Shinji gave a start. He reflexively looked at the ceiling, then the walls. No one noticed but Asuka. "What is it?" she whispered.

"I don't know." Shinji excused himself and walked around the crew in the room, towards the stairwell entrance. A few people watched him go, but most had their attention on Gendo, who was still speaking.

"I must ask one of you for help," Gendo said. "Some of you believe as I believe. Some of you don't. Some of you don't care one way or another." He looked pointedly at Yurika, who left off counting the holes in the ceiling and fidgeted nervously. "Those of you that do believe, know we are nearing the end of our struggle. The prophecy will be fufilled soon, but before it can be, we must consult the Oracle." There were a few nods around the room, but very few. Gendo steepled his gloved hands before him. "If we return and recharge now, we can be back within 36 hours. Well before the Inus have reached this depth."

Rally arched an eyebrow. "Do you understand what you're asking?"

"Yes. I am asking that one ship remain here in our place just in case the Oracle should attempt to contact us."

"No, you're not," Yurika whined. "You're asking one of us to disobey a direct order!"

Gendo smiled thinly. "That's right, I am. Of course, most of us are here because of two things: our affinity for disobedience and a marked lack of good sense."

"And what happens when you get back to the Geofront and the Admiral throws you in the stockade?" Robin asked.

"He won't," Gendo said with such finality that everyone believed him.

"Dammit, Gendo, you'll never change." Maxwell laughed. "I'll do it, just to see what Hunter does to you. You've got 36 hours." He looked at his watch. "Starting now."

Four floors above the meeting room, there was a hard knock on the thick steel door that was one of the few entrances to the building. Mitsune and Motoko looked at each other for a moment, then decided who was going to answer it. Having chosen scissors to rock, Motoko grumpily got to her feet, drew her katana, and slid back the eyeslit.

The person standing there was backlit, so all Motoko could see was a silhouette of a head with pigtails. "I'm looking for Shinji Ikari." The voice was female.

"Never heard of him," Motoko snapped.

"I have something for him," the person continued, as if Motoko had said nothing. "A gift. You see...he set me free." A hand proferred a lumpy envelope through the eyeslit.

"Whatever," Motoko snarled. She snatched it from the hand. "Now go away!" She slammed the eyeslit shut, mumbled something not very nice, then turned to go back to Mitsune. Standing with the overbuilt other woman was Shinji Ikari. "Who was that?" he asked.

"How did yew know someone was hyeah?" Mitsune looked shocked.

Motoko ignored her, as usual, and handed Shinji the envelope. "It was a woman. She gave you this. She said you set her free."

Shinji opened the envelope. An object slid out onto his palm. It took a moment for him to realize what it was, but when he did, he went pale.

It was an oversized bowtie, the color of blood.

"Is everythang all ryight?" Mitsune asked.

"The meeting is over," Shinji said quickly. "Retreat to your exits. Scouts are coming."

"Scouts?!" Motoko's sword trembled for a moment. All three whirled as something hit the steel door with enough force to leave a dent in it. The floor began to shake, little pebbles rattling dangerously.

"Go!" Shinji ordered. The two women didn't hesitate a moment longer, and fled down the stairs. Shinji went into a stance and waited. Seven months ago, he would've outsprinted Mitsune and Motoko away from the door. But that was before he realized he was the Third Child.

Cracks appeared around the door and Shinji was hard-pressed to keep his balance. Masonry crumbled until the door finally fell inwards with a crash. Through it stepped three Agent Scouts. They were dressed identically in all black fukus and looked somewhat identical, but each had a slightly different color of bowtie: dayglo pink for the overendowed one in front with a ponytail; dark yellow for the one to the mannish-looking one to the left; and deep sea blue for the one to the right, with green hair.

"Hello, ladies," Shinji said in ironic greeting.

"It's him," said the one in front.

"The Whiny One," from the one on the left.

"Do we proceed?" came from the right.

"Yes," said the one in front.

"He is still..."

"...only a Gainax character."

"In which case..."

"...go get 'im, Scout Jupiter."

Jupiter sighed. "Yeah, it's always me. He looks like my old boyfriend." She walked forward, and with a crack of thunder, launched a fist at Shinji's skull. Shinji, one hand behind his back, blocked the punch. With ease, he blocked the next three and dodged two kicks. But when he threw a punch of his own, it too was blocked. Shinji looked into the Scout's eyes, through her sunglasses. "Hmm," he mused. "Outer System Scouts."

Shinji got his hand free, spun on one foot, and landed a solid kick to Jupiter's chin. She flew backwards, smashing into the wall with a crash of bricks. Jupiter unpeeled herself from the wall and speared the other two Scouts with an icy glare. "Would you two quit making out and help me?"

"If you insist," Scout Uranus growled. "World SHAKING!" Shinji had to leap upwards as the floor split and collapsed beneath him.. He stuck his tongue out at Uranus, but was smashed back towards the ground as a wave of water hit him. "Deep SUBMERGE!" cried Scout Neptune. "Finish him, Lina!"

"Supreme THUNDER!" Lightning crackled from Jupiter's fingers and leapt for Shinji as he shook off the water. He dived forward, rolling as the lightning went over his head. Jupiter followed him with the lightning. At the last moment, Shinji changed direction in midair and leapt at Neptune. By instinct, she tried another Submerge attack, but that proved to be a bit of mistake, as lightning and water do not mix well. Neptune screamed as Jupiter's lightning traveled back down and electrocuted her, sending her flying into the opposite wall. "Oops," Jupiter mumbled.

Uranus turned and dodged as Shinji alighted next to her, snapping a kick at her face. With superhuman speed, she dashed forward, grabbed, and tossed Shinji at a metal pole, but Shinji, acting without thought, grabbed it, spun, and used his momentum to deliver a bra-shattering double kick to Uranus' stomach. Her breath blew out as she went flying, ending up pasted to the wall next to her...err...cousin. Yeah, cousin, that's it.

Jupiter wasn't having any and let fly with another flurry of bolts. Shinji somersaulted back through the remains of the door; Jupiter followed, leaping towards him. Shinji came to his feet first and delivered a palm strike to her chest. His hand stopped, absorbed by the rather large fleshy softness. "Quit copping a feel!" Jupiter shouted, scandalized.

"Sorry, sorry," Shinji stammered out, turning red. He effortlessly dodged a few punches and kicks, praying that Asuka never found out about that last one. Finally, with Ranma like quickness, he spotted an opening: Shinji ducked under Jupiter's fist. As she turned to face him, he kicked her into a light pole. Her head struck the pole with a metallic gonging noise, and she slumped to the street. The pole shuddered like a tuning fork and shook loose the light itself, which shattered when it hit the pavement.

"Flawless victory," Shinji said, doing a brief victory jig. He really was getting used to this. Then he stopped, because it had gotten quiet. Too, too quiet. Someone was out there, and Shinji thought he had a good idea as to who it was. Can't be, he thought. I killed her dead. Well, rewrote and erased her program...didn't I? Deciding that now really was a good time to run away, Shinji crouched, concentrated, then leapt upwards. He bounced off the walls a few times, but rose into the sky majestically, gone in an eyeblink.

Except for a soft breeze, nothing stirred in the alley for a moment. Then black bootsoles crunched across the glass. Serena looked contemptously at the unconscious Jupiter. "That went as expected," she smirked.

"Yep." A second Serena walked from the opposite end of the alley, taking her place next to her identical twin. "It's happening exactly as before."

"Well..." Serena's smirk grew. "Not exactly." And because this is based in anime, she raised the back of her hand to her mouth. "Oh HO HO HO HO HO HO!"