The RASHOUJIN Chronicles
Disclaimer: I own none of these characters. All characters from Samurai Showdown, Fatal Fury, Art of Fighting, and King of Fighters are owned by SNK. All company names, brands, characters, etc. belong to their respective owners, etcetera...
Bizuki and the Pleasant (And Not-So Pleasant) Surprise
A short interlude by, Slayer of Guilty Gear fame.
Slayer bows deeply, and clears his throat and steps onto the stage of his personal cafe, Eien no Tsubasa. This place is famous for Slayer's...
Slayer: I welcome all of you to... Haiku Night.
Slayer: My thanks to all those that have shown up.
Slayer: To those that haven't, mou. Sukoshi fumikonda hou ga ii!
Slayer: Today, I shall be reciting poems that have inspired me recently. I do hope you enjoy them.
Slayer: Ah, I don't care, go ahead and relax.
Hero and King of Braves
Defender of Earth
The audience begins snapping their fingers.
Slayer: Again, my thanks.
ON DETECTIVE CONAN:
He is such a puzzling boy
But for one so determined
The truth will prevail
More finger-snapping. There's even someone clicking his tongue.
Slayer: My audience is too kind. My thanks.
ON KAZUKI and SOUGETSU:
Fire and water
Opposites of each other
But no truer friends
Are there than these unalikes
Fire and water
Even more finger-snapping. And with that are the two subjects of the haiku, sitting at a table...
Kazuki: sniff Sougetsu, I love you man!
Sougetsu: Okay, okay, Kazuki, get off me dude.
ON KUNOICHI of SAMURAI WARRIORS:
Poor woman, poor girl
Kunoichi and Sanada
One is a hero
The other exemplifies
What is bothersome
Accompanying the audience's finger-snapping is Kunoichi herself, whose usually overly cheerful demeanor has suddenly diminshed to an indignant frown.
Slayer: I jest, miss Kunoichi. Appreciate a little bit of ribbing from an old man?
ON NEWBIES of FFXI:
One piece of advice
If you are falling behind
Level your sub job
Even Kunoichi had to join the crowd, who roared with laughter.
Slayer: That is all for today. Thank you for coming to Eien no Tsubasa's haiku night. Goodbye!
Returning to the story at hand...
Bizuki: It was very nice meeting you all, but I'd like to eat before my early break ends.
Chizuru: Oh, that's right. They're serving lunch over there.
Chizuru points towards it. Unfortunately, there is an enormous line.
Bizuki: Jeeze! It's not even officially lunch yet, ten minutes from now.
Bizuki sighs dejectedly.
Bizuki: Do they get out early, or something?
Chizuru: Actually, they don't work.
Iori: Yeah, a lot of these lazy bastards, like Oboro there-
Oboro's Amazon: I hate this job...
Oboro: is getting massaged Oh yeah... Right there...
Iori: That don't work, since they're used for one game only. Of course, Oboro doesn't mind, lazy bastard that he is. But then we have people like Kouryu, over there...
Kouryu: They need another Last Blade game...
Zankuro: How many times have you said that? Give up, it's been years, and the story ended on a good note.
Kouryu: You can't say a damn thing, you like retirement. Hey, is that not Geese's secretary!?
Zankuro: She does look familiar... Can't quite place it...
Bizuki sighs inwardly.
Kouryu: Wait one moment, miss...
Bizuki: I'm off of work, so you'll have to bring it up with Geese later.
Bizuki leaves a dejected Kouryu to arrive at the lunch counter (after thirty minutes of tiresome waiting), and is surprised to see...
Bizuki: Oh... Hey...! Aren't you Maxima!? And what are you doing here, you-
Maxima: Yeah. I'm not a boss. Whatever.
Bizuki: So explain...
Maxima: What does it look like, woman!? I'm giving people their sandwiches!
Krauser: Mein gott, what is it with you!? Can you pack ANY SLOWER!?
Maxima: Hold your horses! Freaking sandwich nazi.
Krauser: I hope you weren't implying anything about my nationality.
Maxima: Fine, here. Here.
He shoves Krauser his hastily wrapped sandwich. Krauser looks thoroughly insulted, but decides not to throw a Kaiser Wave in Maxima's direction, merely walking away.
Bizuki: Can I have some gourmet cookies?
Maxima: Erhm... Sh!
After seeing Maxima do nothing for the next few minutes, Bizuki gets a little miffed.
Maxima: Can you save me the embarassment!?
Bizuki, not understanding, becomes more tempermental.
Bizuki: But I really want my cookies!
Bizuki: You're refusing service to me? I know you have cookies!
Bizuki begins tapping her foot. Maxima doesn't budge. Then her hand hovers around her weapon dangerously.
Bizuki: Give me cookies!!!
Iori: Hey! Give her the damn cookies, man!
Maxima: I- You- Sheesh, whatever...
Maxima's chest opens.
Bizuki: Oh my goodness! You're... You're....
... Revealing an assortment of desserts, from cupcakes to chocolates to Bizuki's prized gourmet cookies.
Maxima: Yeah, I'm a fricking vending machine. Just... Just make it quick.
Bizuki: Hehe... Hahahaha... You've... You've got a...
Bizuki clutches herself with mirth.
Bizuki: You've got a coin slot! Right there, in your shoulder! Hahahahaha!
Maxima: HURRY THE HELL UP!
Maxima mutters something about not pissing Kula off, EVER...
Bizuki: Okay... Haha...
Bizuki thinks for a moment.
Bizuki: Hey, do you guys have cold-cut sandwiches?
Maxima slaps his forehead. He suddenly reveals another compartment on his chest.
Bizuki: Oh, hey, a fridge-
Maxima: I hate you.
Bizuki giggles as she slides four quarters into Maxima's slot. Meanwhile, on another floor of the building... In an almost completely dark hallway...
Neinhalt Sieger: You ever get the feeling we're being watched?
Tachibana Ukyo: ... ...
Ukyo merely responds by coughing out blood.
Sieger: Sheesh. Forget I asked.
There is a sudden rustling noise.
Sieger: Didn't I tell you we were being watched? Who's there- AH!
He is barely able to dodge a strange bolt of lightning coming his way.
Sieger: What in the hell! Ukyo, get to security! DAAAAH!
Sieger manages to deflect another bolt with his enormous metal gauntlet. When he looks in Ukyo's direction, he sees that he isn't there, and is actually running towards the darkness where the lightning bolts are coming from...
Ukyo: ... Go... I'll catch up...
Sieger: Hmph, alright. I'll see you, then!
Sieger runs for it, as strafes to avoid more bolts of lightning. Ukyo draws his sword and prepares to strike...
Back to Bizuki.
Chizuru glances towards the clock.
Chizuru: Oh, Bizuki! The meeting with Yuki Enterprises is going to start soon!
Bizuki spits out her mineral water.
Bizuki: Craaaap! I don't know where to go from here!
Chizuru: Don't worry, I do. Follow me.
Yumeji: I must come with you, too.
Hazuki: Thanks for keeping us company!
Kula and Shingo wave goodbye.
Bizuki: Very nice people.
Chizuru: You just described Iori Yagami as NICE!
Bizuki: He has a much better manner than someone like, say-
Yumeji: You speak of Fernandeath?
Bizuki: No, he was just creepy. I could've sworn that he was staring at me the whole time I was in there.
The three of them laugh as they head towards the meeting room, where Geese is having a bit of trouble dealing with the Samurai Showdown cast. All of them seem to have been informed of the newest Samurai Showdown project, Samurai Showdown V Special- again developed by Yuki Enterprises. One of the newer cast raises her hand.
Mina: Could you give me not so many USELESS MOVES, and I dunno, make it so I don't die in THREE HITS!?? I'd like that, really.
Geese: Tch, you could've ended up like Basara.
Basara hisses at him as he takes his seat. There are several lines of chairs, a good number of them already occupied.
Haohmaru: Heh, I'm still number one around here.
Haohmaru smiles at Yoshitora, who just scoffs.
Yoshitora: You just worry about getting too old, guy.
Haohmaru: And you just worry about making a reputation, guy.
Charlotte: Why, Haohmaru, do you feel threatened by this boy?
Haohmaru: Hell no. I've defeated Amakusa, some other person I've forgotten about-
Somewhere else, Bizuki sneezes. Chizuru hands her a napkin.
Haohmaru: -Zankuro, and Yuga. Who's this kid beaten? Some guy wearing a vest over Geese's outfit?
Gaoh: I take offense to that, sir. Shall we settle this in a gentlemanly manner?
Gaoh lifts his tri-point spear in a challenging manner.
Haohmaru: You seem like a more difficult opponent than this kid.
Haohmaru: So, why not?
Yumeji, Bizuki, and Chizuru arrive. Yumeji immediately takes hold of her sword and stands between Gaoh and Haohmaru.
Yumeji: Gaoh-sama! Allow me to handle this drunkard!
Haohmaru: Oi, this is a battle between men! Wait, you could be a man, you have Cagalli's voice-
Yumeji: That doesn't even make sense! But if it's a battle you want, then it's a battle you shall-
Nakoruru: There shouldn't be any battle at all! Haohmaru!
Charlotte: She's right, take this outside later.
Bizuki: Look, let's settle all of this information about the new Samurai Showdown game first.
Haohmaru: Who the heck are you?
Bizuki is about to smack Haohmaru before she thinks better of it, and just sits down, fuming quietly.
Geese: You guys done back there? Everything alright, Kagura?
Gaoh and Haohmaru look menacingly at each other before taking a seat.
Chizuru: There is no problem here.
Chizuru crosses her arms.
Chizuru: I won't be staying, unfortunately. Public Relations need me, I doubt Mikoto could handle everything.
Geese: Alright. If you see Bogard or anybody else...
Chizuru: I'll tell them you went back to your office, don't worry about it.
Bizuki suddenly has a mental image of Rock Howard racing Terry Bogard to the top using the stairs.
The room begins to fill up a bit more, until most everyone that has appeared in Samurai Showdown is present.
Geese: We seem to be missing a few people. Namely, Ukyo, Yuga, Sieger, Kusaregedo-
Half of the room shivers.
Geese: And Amakusa-
Geese: Nevermind... Sigh...
Amakusa arrives, literally sliding into the room, grabbing Geese's feet and sobbing madly, wildly begging for a part in SSVS. Geese tries to shake Amakusa off his foot. He is unsuccessful.
Amakusa: Hear it from a poor, pitiful fool, who simply wants to be accepted! Oh, do not dare to turn this poor creature away-
Yumeji: This man is really taking self-pity to new heights.
Bizuki: You're new, so allow me to let you in on a little secret- the evil Shiro is a bullitting little bastage. He'll be acting his usual high-and-mighty self soon...
Yumeji: But he is one of those that really feel the urge for new work then, I take it?
Bizuki: Yeah, it's not surprising. I mean, even Kouryu is-
She is interrupted by Amakusa's rambling.
Amakusa: Oh, Amakusa! Spurned for his religion-
Amakusa: -to fight and die valiantly against the Tokugawa-
Amakusa: -surely the world cannot be so cruel to ye-
Geese: DOUBLE REPPU-KEN!
Amakusa makes a crater in the wall as he is sent back by Geese's attack.
Amakusa: Strong... Too strong...
In some bullfighting arena in Spain, Laurence Blood sneezes. Unfortunately, this brief interruption causes him to lose a battle with the most powerful bull in all of Spain, and the bull, in a spectacular feat of strength, makes a reversal against Laurence by flinging him fifty feet in the air.
Back to Bizuki.
Geese: Sit down, you idiot! You'll be in this game, already!
There is some grumbling among the Samurai Showdown cast, which does nothing to overshadow Amakusa's glee.
Kazuki: Hey, say whaaat!?
Shiki: But he's annoying...
Amakusa: Hell yes! I, Amakusa Shiro Tokisada, greatest servant of Ambrosia-
Yumeji: Isn't that ironic?
Bizuki: Amakusa's a whole bunch of ironies lumped together, it's hard to keep track.
Yumeji: He mentioned his religion. Isn't he historically Christian? But then he's a servant of Ambrosia...
Bizuki: That's to be expected from the epitome of stupid, arrogant blowhards. For example, he's the greatest servant of such a great selection of characters, like Gen-an and Earthquake... and Gen-an... Well, I guess there is Yuga...
Yumeji: What about you?
Bizuki: What about me? I've never really served that idiot Ambrosia for more than one game.
Amakusa: Silence! Ye shall not speak of the great Ambrosia that way-
Everyone in the room cheers.
Charlotte: I still don't believe you're going to let Amakusa back in.
Geese: If you have a problem with the game, you can easily take it up with the Yuki developers, who might I add, can ERASE YOU OUT OF IT. Tread lightly.
Charlotte: Point taken.
Geese steps aside to let one of the Yuki Developers speak.
Yuki Developer: cough
The developer from Yuki Enterprises watches everyone's eager faces.
Yuki Developer: First, allow me to state who is NOT going to be in the new Samurai Showdown V Special game...
At this point, Bizuki stops paying attention and begins reading a small book. Yumeji leans towards her to see what the title is: it is "Snakes and their Versatile Uses". Bizuki notices Yumeji hovering over her.
Bizuki: You don't seem as eager to be in SSVS.
Yumeji: I think my chances are unlikely.
Bizuki: Ah... Same here. After the last few games, I only bothered to listen and take notes for Geese.
The developer clears his throat.
Yuki Developer: Unfortunately, except for Haohmaru, none of the PS1 Warrior's Rage characters will be in.
Half of the room suddenly empties amidst angry muttering.
Shiki: There's still hope.
Asura: Yeah, maybe I won't be in as Yuda, but maybe I'll be in as-
Yuki Developer: Hanma, Shiki, Asura, Taisan, Gandara, Dekuina and Osu, as well as Yuga will be left out from the 64 games.
Hanma shakes a fist at the developer, while Taisan brainstorms a death threat in calligraphy. Asura merely sighs in defeat.
Asura: ... Damn. Better luck next time.
Geese: Asura, come here for a moment.
They begin whispering.
Asura: What the... Neo Geo Battle Coli-?
Geese punches him.
Geese: Quiet, you idiot!
Yuki Developer: Earthquake, Gen-an, and Wan-Fu from the first game will not be in.
Earthquake snorts angrily, while Gen-an decides that the first thing he's going to do as he leaves this room, is to sharpen his claws. Wan-Fu creates a stone statue out of the developer, then promptly begins to break it in half with his fist.
The characters from Samurai Showdown 2, having been forgotten for so long, look on expectantly. Except for Nicotine, who is busy sleeping, and Kuroko, who is just waving flags around like a maniac.
Yuki Developer: Caffeine Nicotine and Neinhalt Sieger will not be in this game.
Nicotine does not stir, despite this. Sieger's seat remains empty, though the person next to it, Cham Cham, looks very excited.
Yuki Developer: Characters being removed from the old Samurai Showdown V- Yorozu Sankuro, Kurokochi Yumeji, and Poppy.
Poppy: At least I was in a game, you stupid bird.
Yumeji: I told you.
Bizuki: Yeah... Sorry...
Yumeji: As I said, I expected nothing.
Yuki Developer: The rest of the characters from SSV will remain.
Gaoh: Hmm... Does that mean...
Haohmaru: Don't keep your hopes up, guy.
Yoshitora: You know what, Gaoh? I'll kick this guy's ass for you.
Yuki Developer: Now for people being added! Cham Cham will be in...
Cham Cham cheers.
Yuki Developer: As a cameo every time Tam Tam performs his Zetsumei Ougi, the new fatalities of SSVS.
Cham Cham: Whaaaat!?
Yuki Developer: Better than nothing, I always say.
Cham Cham: Cham Cham thinks this is an outrage!
Yuki Developer: Well, if you want, we could always remo-
Cham Cham: Oh no, nevermind, Cham Cham approves of this job.
Yuki Developer: Kuroko and his other stagehands will be a prominent part of one of the game's stage backgrounds.
Kuroko in Flag Signal Language: Nothing like getting my old job back!
Yuki Developer: There will be four bosses from previous Samurai Showdowns in SSVS, all of them selectable.
There is a commotion among the Samurai Showdown cast.
Galford: I'm trying to think here...
Haohmaru: Four bosses from the previous Samurai Showdowns...
Yuki Developer: The first will be... Amakusa Shiro Tokisada!
Charlotte: Hmmm... The dev just said Amakusa... Logically, the next person would be-
Amakusa: Was there ever any doubt that I would be picked for such an honor?
Charlotte glares irritably at Amakusa.
Charlotte: Mind shutting up!??
Amakusa: You can't tell me what to do!
Suddenly, Amakusa gasps.
Amakusa: This is a scandal! I've been shoved into the mid-boss position, yet again!
Yuki Developer: Yawn...
Amakusa decides not to risk pissing off the developer, but turns away and keeps his anger to himself.
Yuki Developer: Next is... Minazuki Zankuro!
Zankuro: Well!... This is unexpected.
Shizumaru: That's it? Where's your enthusiasm?
Zankuro: I actually don't feel like being summoned out of retirement... But I will admit this seems interesting.
Shizumaru: So, if you're going to be in it, that only leaves...
Yuki Developer: Third... Kyougoku Gaoh Hinowanokami!
Gaoh: I thank for this. But this makes no sense- I am the last person, right?
Yuki Developer: Wrong.
Yumeji: But Gaoh-sama is right, there isn't- Wait...
Yumeji suddenly stares at Bizuki. Not only her... All eyes are on Bizuki now.
Haohmaru: I'm starting to remember who she is...
Charlotte: As am I...
Galford: It's her! When did she come in here!? She must've used that evil magic of her's to get in here!
Poppy: You mean, you never saw her? I mean... SHE WAS ONE OF THE FIRST ONES TO- You know what? I don't know you anymore.
Nakoruru: I know exactly who and what she is! She's a demon of Ambrosia!
Mamahaha: Keep Galford away from Nakoruru. She's catching his stupid.
Poppy: Screw off.
Bizuki: ... Huh?
Bizuki looks up to see more than two dozen pairs of eyes looking at her.
Tam Tam: Now that Tam Tam think of it...
Yuki Developer: The final character to be added to SSVS, the boss of SS2, Bizuki as Rashoujin Mizuki!
Bizuki looked slack-jawed at the developer, then at Geese, who had finished talking with Asura and was grinning at her.
Bizuki: GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! REALLY!!!???
Bizuki: So that's what you were talking about!
Bizuki: I don't believe this! You aren't joking around with me?
Yuki Developer: This may be the face of a person who crushes peoples' hopes-
Everyone who wasn't included in the game was now seething at the developer.
Yuki Developer: But I'm no liar.
Bizuki starts doing a silly victory dance, involving her waving her stick around with extreme prejudice and waving her arms around like a silly schoolgirl in circles. She drags Yumeji into her jubilation.
Bizuki: Go Bizuki! Go Bizuki! You rock! You rock!
Yumeji: Ugh... Miss Bizuki... Please stop... I'm getting dizzy...
Geese: Bizuki! Stop this instant or I shall smack you like Amakusa!
Geese was kidding, but Amakusa looked offended.
Amakusa: What kind of foolishness is this! I should be there, not her!
Zankuro: And what am I, Shiro? Chopped liver?
Gaoh: I certainly do not mind.
Haohmaru: Argh... It's become clear now.
Charlotte: Surprising for a drunkard like you.
Haohmaru: Shush! But seriously, the damn pinball!
Bizuki: Do I get to keep that move!?
Geese: Does she?
Yuki Developer: Yep!
The cast collectively groans, finally remembering who she is.
Bizuki: Do I get a new sprite?
Yuki Developer: Yes.
Bizuki: Does Haon get to come with me?
Yuki Developer: Yes.
Bizuki: Do I get to kick Amakusa's cocky ass?
Yuki Developer: Yes.
Bizuki: Am I playable?
Yuki Developer: I think I said that.
Bizuki: Do I get a raise?
Yuki Developer: Ye- I mean...
Bizuki: I'm kidding. XD
Geese: Actually, yes she does.
Haohmaru: Damn it. I haven't gotten a raise since the last company crossover.
Bizuki: Oh, and do I totally rock?
Yuki Developer: Not too many questions-
Bizuki's moment of triumph is then interrupted as the building begins to quake violently!
Geese: Wh-What is this!?
Bizuki: Ack! What's going on!?
Author's Note: Time for the villains of this story to act.
It took me a while to write this, sorry... But it finally came. Not as much humor as I'd liked. But please R/R anyway, for better or for worse!