DISCLAIMER: I do not own Resident Evil, Vicadin or Survivor. There, please don't sue me.
A/N: A strange idea I know, sorta inspired by Hello Captain and CassSpaz's story based on the show Big Brother (Great fic you should read it An Actually Entertaining Big Brother, very good. Yes it's a shameless plug but it's still very good.). So you have them to thank for the strangeness which is about to occur. I hope you enjoy.
The camera pans over a large and lush tropical island in the Caribbean. A rather monotone voice overlays the images.
"This is where our twenty contestants will have to survive for 39 days. Of course some of them won't see the end. Some of them won't last. Watch alliances crumble under the strain as each person realizes only one of them can walk away with a million dollars. And without further fan fare I present our special guest host for this run of Survivor…Albert Wesker!"
Albert Wesker walks out onto the sandy beach, in his trademark black combat outfit and black sunglasses.
"Welcome to this special edition of Survivor. I'm your host Albert Wesker. Let's meet our unfortunate contestants."
Wesker grimaces slightly, as he pulls out a clipboard and looks over the names. If he didn't need the money, he sure as hell wouldn't be here. But hey even an evil bastard has to pay rent, and the HCF hasn't given him a raise lately.
"Alright, our first contestant on the Umbrella Tribe. From a lab in Europe, Nemesis. God I need a drink." Rubs a hand across his head. He sweating his lying butt off out here.
Nemesis wanders onto the beach in a pair of khaki shorts, and a Hawaiian shirt. He waves, smiling. At least it looks like he's smiling, with him, who can tell?
"Next we have, from deep under Raccoon City, William Birkin!" Attempts to smile but comes off looking just evil.
Birkin is shoved onto the beach by a pair of unknown hands. He's white as a sheet, and still wearing a disheveled lab coat, which just isn't going well with the I Love Umbrella tee shirt and blue shorts. He looks around wildly. "Ach! This is outside!" Shields his eyes. "My, I never realized it could be so bright out here."
"Yes Dr. Dimwit, that's what happens when you spend all your time in a lab." sighs " Moving on. The man of mystery himself…Hunk!" Still attempting to be chipper and perky, but finally gives it up as a lost cause.
Hunk walks out onto the beach in black shorts and matching tank top. He immediately spots Birkin, who yelps with surprise and takes refuge behind Nemesis.
"Alright. Next, member of Umbrella's U.B.C.S. and a treacherous bastard, much like myself. Nicholai Ginovaef."
Nicholai struts out, glaring at everyone. He's still in his U.B.C.S. uniform.
"Next, from Rockfort Island. Everyone's favorite cross dresser…Alfred Ashford." Waves a hand in front of his face. "Damn it's hot out here."
Alfred bounds out wearing a red bikini.
"Oh God, my eyes!!" Wesker screams, turning his face. "Christ boy find a shirt or something! Next on our list is, ah yes. Dr. James Marcus."
Marcus struts out onto the beach in his white dress, accompanied by several leeches. Wesker groans, shaking his head.
"Nice dress.", Alfred says nodding. Marcus smiles back at him.
"Ya they ought to get along just fine." Wesker rolls his eyes, sighing. "Our sixth member of the Umbrella Tribe is a former employee of Umbrella, and a former human. The female tyrant…Morpheus D. Duvall." Stares at notes. "Female tyrant? What Capcom employee came up with that twisted idea?"
A tall willowy tyrant with long white hair struts out, wearing red daisy dukes, and a halter top. Alfred jumps, as she accidentally zaps him with electricity. Wesker gives the new arrival an appraising look.
"Not bad looking really." Realizes the camera is back on him. "Well…ah…anyway. Our next tribe member is the lovely yet twisted Alexia Ashford"
"You can't call my sister twisted!!!" Alfred runs over and jumps on Wesker's back, slapping him in the head with a sandal.
"Oh man, it touched me!!" Wesker grabs Alfred by the neck, and tosses him into the trees behind them. "Damn, now I need a bath!"
Alexia came running out a moment later, looking quite lovely, in a purple bikini and sarong.
"You arrogant bastard! How dare you lay a hand on my brother?! Only I have the privilege of beating him senseless!" She then proceeds to bitch slap Wesker, who is kinda sorta cowering in fear at this point.
"Commercial!! Commercial would be good about now!!" Wesker screams, while trying to ward off the blows.
*2 minutes later*
Wesker readjusts his sunglasses which are a bit the worse for wear at the moment. But he is cooler since Alexia ripped his shirt during the altercation. He now stands before the viewing audience in a black tank top. Alexia is cooing over Alfred, who is unhurt, and glaring in Wesker's direction.
"Survivor number ten is none other than William Birkin's lab partner and wife…Annette Birkin!" Scratches his head. "Can she be on here?" Grabs a sheet of paper handed to him from off screen. Quickly reads over it. "Oh well, contract says it's ok. I mean, like I really give a damn in the first place."
Annette walks out, looking as disheveld and sleep deprived as her husband. But at least their outfits match. Apparently they were both kidnapped out of the their labs and tossed onto the show. But hey if they'd have read their Umbrella contracts more carefully, they'd have realized this was going to happen.
"And our final Umbrella Tribe member is the mysterious spy Ada Wong!" Quickly checks over his notes. "Why the hell is she on the Umbrella Tribe, she works for me. Oh well."
Ada struts out in black shorts, and magenta bikini top. Annette glares at her angrily, but Ada ignores her.
"And now onto our second Tribe. First on the S.T.A.R.S. tribe is…" Shuffles papers around until he finds the S.T.A.R.S. list. His mood darkens considerably, as he skims over the names. "Chris…Redfield. Must control violent urges."
Chris walks out, wearing green shorts, and S.T.A.R.S. tee shirt. He glares at Wesker and the Umbrella tribe, but says nothing.
"Next…ah hell, if one wasn't bad enough…the insolent Redfield's younger sister Claire."
Claire runs out, wearing red shorts and a red sports bra. Chris blanches a bit.
"Claire! Those shorts have the Umbrella logo on them!"
"So?" She shrugs, not quite understanding what he's getting so worked up about.
"Claire. Umbrella is evil, remember?"
"I know, but they were free." Chris shakes his head.
Secretly delighted at the agony of Chris, even if it is just small agony, Wesker consults his list again. "Our third tribe member is that tube top wearing trollop…Jill Valentine!"
Jill walks out, passes Chris and Claire, and stops in front of Wesker.
"Trollop?" She makes a move to hit him in the face. As Wesker attempts to stop her she kicks him, right between the legs. Wesker hit's the ground like a sack of potatoes. On the S.T.A.R.S. S. side Chris and Claire are hooting and yelling. While over on the Umbrella side, Marcus, Alfred and Alexia are cheering Jill on. Jill makes a dainty bow, and walks back to her tribe mates.
Wesker rolls onto his side, and squints toward the camera, then makes a plea in a very distraught and somewhat high pitched voice. "Commercial! And some ice please…"
*2 minutes later*
Wesker stands once more before the cameras though he looks much more uncomfortable than before. He grimaces slightly, then goes on with his introductions.
"Ok, our next tribe member is that lovable if somewhat naive and empty headed R.P.D. officer…Leon S. Kennedy!" Moves off camera as Leon walks out. "More ice."
Leon walks on camera, wearing blue shorts, and an R.P.D. tank top. He leans toward Jill. "You know, I know Wesker sort of deserved that but…I mean damn even I felt that."
Jill shrugs. "He's bigger than me so I don't play nice."
Wesker limps back on camera, looking somewhat better, in fact his face is rather flushed. He looks at his clipboard again, swaying slightly. "Ok then. Next tribe member. Your favorite medic, and mine…Rebecca Chambers!! Wheee!" Sways back and forth, humming to himself.
Rebecca comes bounding out, wearing a green midriff tank top and shorts. She glances towards Wesker, and puts a hand to her mouth. "Oh dear."
"What?" Chris has also been watching Wesker's odd behavior.
"Well, I gave him a Vicadin during the last commercial, since he was in a lot of pain. Then I believe he just drank half of a Bahama Mama when Leon came out. " Rebecca looks rather distressed over the state of our illustrious, if somewhat evil, host.
"So basically he's high, right?" Claire asks, giggling to herself. Rebecca nods.
"Oh this outta be good." Chris is somewhat elated to see his enemy in such a state.
"Ok, our next person trying for that million is none other than the chicken hearted idiot who left everyone to die in Raccoon Forest…Brad Vickers! Give the guy a hand, I mean he's about to embarrass himself on national television." Motions off screen, while swinging his clipboard around wildly.
Brad slinks out, in green pants, and no shirt. "I already want to go home."
"Sorry boy, only way off the island is to be voted off. Though I wouldn't worry too much, I doubt any of the teammates you left to die in a zombie infested mansion hold a grudge. Of course I do, but hey, I'm evil." Wesker is still in perky mode, running on a Vicadin high, and has somehow lost his sunglasses in the process. "On to our next victim. He was on his way to prison, but got attacked by giant leeches instead…Billy Coen. Wow we got all the pretty boys on here didn't we?" Begins humming again.
Billy wanders out, wearing the same outfit from the train, sans handcuffs of course. "What in the hell is the matter with him?"
And, in unison the S.T.A.R.S. team replies. "Vicadin high"
"Ok, ya, this is just getting on my nerves, and taking way too long. Cause I got like a date later with the makeup girl." Grins stupidly. Everyone else stares at him with blank expressions. "What? I mean I may be a treacherous bastard, and maybe I'm not entirely human, but I do date damn it! Anyway our final three contestants are… Carlos Oliveria, Yoko Suzuki, and Alyssa Ashcroft."
The last three contestants are pushed into camera range. Carlos is wearing green swimming trunks and a green U.B.C.S. tee shirt. Yoko, is in cut off shorts and a green tube top. Alyssa is wearing designer shorts, and matching blouse. All three look slightly bewildered. Wesker shuffles over to the Umbrella Tribe and hands each team member a red and white buff with the Umbrella logo. He also hands Birkin a map.
"That's to get to your campsite. There's a bunch of stuff there, you're gonna need, and like you gotta start a fire and stuff." Shoos the Umbrella tribe off. The Tribe marches off, looking slightly bewildered. "Oh and don't forget to make your tribe flag." Then our Vicadin high host stumbles over to the S.T.A.R.S. team. He hands Chris a map to their camp site and each tribe member a yellow and blue buff, with the S.T.AR.S. logo on it. "Alright, same thing, make fire, find food…blah…blah…blah. And don't forget the flag thing. Now, off you go." Chris shrugs and the S.T.A.R.S. Tribe heads off toward their new home. "Alrighty then, time for some fun!" Wesker skips off camera…
Next Time On Survivor…
The first immunity challenge…
Alliances are made…
Alexia makes fire…
Billy finds the water hole…
Hilarity shall ensue…
A/N: Well I hope you have enjoyed the first chapter. Things I promise get more interesting, plus, I give you all the power to vote. At the first tribal council it will be up to you, who gets voted off. Until then, root for your favorite team and team member! Oh and don't forget to R&R!