I do not own anything. Do you think I own anything? Honestly, I had more faith in you guys.

This has Jakotsu and Bankotsu in it, so yeah, it's yaoi. Don't read if you don't like! But well...you clicked on it...so I trust you know what your doing. This is a stupid, stupid, stupid, STUPID, but humorous one-shot. You know how there are like all these other stupid one shot humor stories for almost every other couple. I never saw a Jak/Ban one. So...I wrote it. No flames please, my tiny little brain couldn't take it. Please review.


"Touch it."


"Come on."


"Don't be such a baby."

"I told you I'm not touching it."


"You touch it!"

"I'm not gonna touch it."

"Well why not?"

"Well...just...look at it."

"Why should I touch it?"

"Cause your closer."

"I am not! You are so stupid."




"Please touch it."


"You don't have to do anything. Just like, grab a stick and poke it if you're afraid."

"I'm not afraid. I just don't want to touch it."

"If you really love me, you'll touch it."


"Please oo-aniki?"


"Come on. You can't tell me you're not curious."

"I don't know."

"Pretty pretty please with sake on top?"

"Uh...well...maybe if you get me drunk."

He looked down, his nose wrinkling in disgust as he backed away a bit.

"Really, really drunk."


Around two or three sake bottles later.

"Are you drunk enough yet?"

"I dunno." Hiccup. "Probably."

"We should do a drunk test."

"Do you know any drunk tests?"

"Uh...give me a minute and I'll think of one."



"Jakotsu, are you all right?"

"I'm fine. Thinking hurts."

"Work through the pain my friend, work through the pain."

"I got one!"


"First we'll need some peanut butter, feathers, hand cuffs, some bowling pins..."

"Would this involve you and I doing something inappropriate?"



"Oh fine. You're no fun. Here, let me try and think again." He gritted his teeth together. "Yaoi Power!"

"Yaoi power? What in the seven hells?"

"It's my new battle cry. Ya like it?"

"It's certainly...you."

"I got one!" The short haired man jumped up and ran out to get something. When he came back, he was carrying an armful of supplies.

"What is all that stuff?"



"Nothing," he said and dropped everything on the ground. "This is what I went for," he revealed, pulling a scarf from his pink yukata.

"What are you going to do with that?" Bankotsu questioned, blushing slightly.

"Not *that*," he said sighing. "Not until later anyway. Err...yeah...moving on. I'm going to put this on the ground, and if you can follow the straight line, then you're not drunk, in which case we'll need to go find some more sake."

Bankotsu stood shakily and made his way over to the purple scarf which lay on the ground. He took one cautious step forward. Smiling happily when he didn't fall, he took another a bit more quickly, tripped, and fell face first.

"Totally smashed," Jakotsu said smiling. He rushed over to his Leader's side and poked him in the shoulder. "Is it dead?" he asked himself, poking the younger boy again.

"Stop that."

"I'll take that as a no." He sat back and smiled as the braided boy pulled himself into a sitting position.

"Oooo...look at all the pretty birdies...nice birdies..."

"Maybe you had a little to much to drink..."

"Don't fly so fast birdies, I'm getting dizzy."

"Way to much to drink." He watched blankly as his friend continued to talk to the invisible birds. "Anyways...Bankotsu. Yoo-hoo. Aniki? Um...come back to planet earth now!"


"You're drunk."

"I'm not drunk. I'm just...tipsy..."

"Right! And I'm Madonna."

"Now everybody in the club gettin' tipsy, everybody in the club gettin' tipsy

Now everybody in the club gettin' tipsy, everybody in the club gettin' tipsy

Now everybody in the club gettin' tipsy, everybody in the club gettin' tipsy."

"Bankotsu...what are you singing?"

"I dunno."

"Ok...anyways, time for you to touch it."


"Don't you even remember why I got you all that sake in the first place?"

"So you could get me drunk and have your way with me?"

"No. But I'll keep that in mind." After storing that little idea in his memory bank, Jakotsu continued. "You promised you would touch it."

"Oh yeah."

"Hurry up."

"Where is it?"

"It's...well...it was here a minute ago. Kuso, we lost it."

"How could you lose it?"

"I don't know!"

"We gotta find it. Now, if I was an it, where would I be?"

"A janitor's closet?"

"No, too dark."

"Under the bed?"

"No, too many monsters."


"No, too many rednecks."

They both continued to think for a few moments.

"I know where'd I'd be if I were sake!" Bankotsu said and smiled drunkenly.

"And I know where'd I'd be if I were cream corn. But we are looking for an it."

"La de da de dud, la de da de di, if I was in it, oh were would I hide?!"

Jakotsu blinked at him. "Your as insane as I am!" He sighed dreamily.

"Why are you sighing dreamily like that?"

"Because we're soul mates."

"Since when?"

"The magic 8 ball said we were."



"All right then...I mean if the all powerful and might magic 8 ball said that we were..."

"Found it!"

Bankotsu crawled over to his friend.

"Here it is, the little mo fo thought it could get away," Jakotsu said, eyeing 'it' with a triumph.

"What was I supposed to do with it again?"

"Just touch it."


"Are you nervous?"


"You look nervous."

"Well I'm not."

"Don't be nervous Aniki."

"I'm not nervous!"

He stared at 'it' for several moments. Cautiously he lifted his hand and began to reach forward. Jakotsu watched him with unwavering attention.


"There I did it."

"That was it?"

"Well what did you want me to do with it?"

"You said you were going to touch it, not try to stab it with your pinky!" Jakotsu said.

"I did not stab it with my pinky. That's my elbow."

"No, it's your pinky."






"Fine! I'll do it again then."

Bankotsu took a deep breath.


"No more."

Jakotsu blinked at him. "Come on Aniki. That was so...weak!"

"What were you expecting?"

"I don't know. But that was just so...anti-climactic."

"Then you touch it!"

"I already said I wasn't going to be the one to touch it!"

"I've touched it twice and I'm not doing it again."

"But come on. Just do it one more time. Please?"


"Just do it."

"You do it."

"I told you I wasn't doing it!" Jakotsu said.

"Stop whining to me about it then! Sheesh, you're like a little girl."

"Why won't you touch it again?"

"Because it's all...fuzzy and cute and adorable looking. And what if it tries to do something to me?"

He laughed. "Do something? What's it going to do? Bite your little pinky off."


"You really are drunk."

"Fine. One more time."



"There now, was that so hard?"

"I guess not," Bankotsu muttered.

Smiling, the older man tossed 'it' aside.

"Now, back to that peanut butter..."

"Ah! Jakotsu!"

"What? What's wrong? Is the peanut butter missing?"

"No. But l-l-look!"

"What is it oo-aniki?"

Looking over his shoulder, Jakotsu saw what it was Bankotsu was yelling about.

"Oh my Kami!" he shouted.

"It's alive!" the braided man yelled.

The two watched in horror as 'it' started walking towards them.

"Just what exactly did you do to it?" he questioned his Leader.

"Me? I didn't do anything to it! I only poked it a few times."

"You angered the almighty it!"

"You're the one who told me to poke it in the first place!"

"I told you to touch it. Not to just start poking it like you don't know what the hell your doing!"

"I don't know what the hell I'm doing!"

"Oh...well then..."

"It's attacking!"

"Do something!" Jakotsu yelled and moved behind the younger man.


"Yeah. Save me oo-aniki. Save me!"

"Right. Gotcha. Saving you now. Err...what am I supposed to save you with again?"

"Your sword!"

"My sword?" he asked in confusion. "I don't see how my sword is going to help in this type of situation."

"Not that sword you pervert! I mean the *sword*!"

"What sword?"

"The really big huge one that you've got."

"Jakotsu!" he said hitting him in the shoulder and blushing.

"I mean Banryuu!"

"Ohh...that big huge one...heh heh..."

"I am seriously afraid of what I have turned you into."

Looking around, Bankotsu realized that he didn't know where it was. "Kuso."

"How could you lose that?"

"Well you lost the it!"

"Your sword is bigger than the it!"

"Which sword?"

Jakotsu sighed heavily and hit him in the head.



"It's not *my* fault you keep speaking in riddles!"

"Bankotsu oo-aniki, I'm scared!"

"Me too. It's still coming at us."

"Hold me!"


"Because I'm scared!"

"Oh...that makes sense..."

Bankotsu pulled the older man closer to him, holding his trembling form close to him. They both looked at the 'it' that was still walking towards them.

"It's so close..." Jakotsu mumbled, burying his face into the shorter man's shoulder.

"Yeah. It's about twenty feet away now..."

"Why do I feel like we're in one of those action movies, where those people are like, miles away from the car, and all they do is stand there screaming while it comes towards us?"

"I've no idea."



"I've um...I have something...that I need to tell you...before the it gets us and tears us limb from limb."

He blinked. "You think it's going to tear us limb from limb?"

"This is really hard to say to you..."

"Limb from limb? That little fuzzy thing?"

"I'm not sure exactly how to put this..."

"You really think it's going to do that?"

"Will you shut up! I'm trying to tell you something life altering here!"

"Nani? Oh um...continue."

Sighing heavily, Jakotsu once again began. "I've...had these strange feelings for a long time now, oo-aniki. I really need to get this off my chest. Um..."

"Come on, Jaky-chan. You can tell me."

"Jaky-chan? What the...oh never mind..."

"What do you want to tell me?"

"I...well...I l-love..."

Bankotsu leaned in closer. "Yes?"

"It's hard to tell you this..."

"You can tell me anything," the braided man said, brushing away a strand of black hair from the other's face.

"I...love...Sesame Street."

Bankotsu blinked.


"I know it's wrong; I can't help it! It's just...Big Bird is so cute and furry, and the Grouch is so funny, and Bert and Ernie are the closest things to gay puppets that I know of..." he trailed off.

"Sesame Street? Like...with the puppets and the numbers and the kiddy stuff?"


"Oh...well...that's um...nice..."

"Don't hate me Aniki! I c-couldn't bare it if you hated me."

"I don't hate you. I mean, it's not like you have some type of twisted crush on Big Bird or something.......right?"

"Me? Big Bird? No! I'm err...more of a Cookie Monster kind of guy."

"That was way, way, way to much information."

"Ah! The it! It's coming for us!"

"Der! It's been coming for us for about the past...I don't know...five minutes!"

"This is no time to panic," Jakotsu said.

"I'm not panicking."

"Just be calm."

"I'm calm."

"I mean it. We'll be all right."

"I know."

"Damn it Bankotsu I'll be your rock! Don't be afraid! Don't panic!"

"Dude! I'm not the one panicking! You are!"


"Next time you start yelling at the top of your lungs like that, I'm going to have to hit you or something."

"Your so abusive oo-aniki."

They were silent for a few more moments. Jakotsu began snuggling closer to the man holding him.

"Hey...I think it's trying to talk to us..." Bankotsu whispered.

"No! Don't listen to it! It's trying to brain wash you!"

"I highly doubt that."

The short haired man placed his hands over his Leader's ears, pressing down so that he couldn't hear the 'it' which was trying to posses him.

"Oi! Stop that! What are you trying to do, make my brain cave in?!"

"Since when do you have a brain?"

"You say *I'm* abusive? At least I'm not emotionally abusive..."

"I'm sorry!" Jakotsu apologized. "I could make it up to you..."

"The evil furry it is coming closer!"

"Eep! Hide me!"

"Now there's an idea, we could hide!"


"Um...inside that conveniently placed old wooden shed which says 'Hide Here from the Evil Furry It'."

Jakotsu peered over his shoulder to indeed see a conveniently placed shed with said sign on it.

"Cool! Come on!"

The two stood up and began frolicking to the shed.

"Frolic, frolic, oh how I love to frolic!

You can go here, you can go there!

You can frolic anywhere!

Frolic to the ocean,

Frolic to the sea,

Frolic from the furry thing that's chasing after me!" they sang as they reached the shed. They quickly went inside and locked the door.

"That was a neat song," Bankotsu said.

"Yes. It's the frolicking song, made up by a retard called vipper902."

"That name sounds so familiar..."

Both of the men shrugged. Peering out the conveniently placed window in the conveniently placed shed, they saw the 'it' still coming towards them. Shrieking like small school girls, they both ducked underneath the window.

"Hey Aniki."


"You know that thing you said about getting you drunk so I could have my way with you?'


"Well...the it is probably going to kill us...and you are drunk...so I was thinking...maybe you and I could...well you know..."

"Bump uglies?"

Jakotsu starred at him. "Bump uglies? What in the...um...no..."

"Then what?"

"Err...can we..." With an uncharacteristic blush, Jakotsu leaned forward and whispered something into Bankotsu's ear.

"You want to do what?!"

"Shh! It will hear you!"

"Sorry it's just that I've never done that before."

"Would you? For me?"


The two smiled at each other. They both then stood up and linked hands.

"Then sun will come out, tomorrow," Jakotsu began.

"Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow..." Bankotsu sang nervously.

The short haired man gave him a reassuring smile and squeezed his hand. "They'll be sun."

"Just thinking about tomorrow."

"Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow, 'til there's none."

"When I'm stuck with a day, that's grey and lonely."

"I just stick out my chin, and grin, and say."

With a nod from the shorter man, they both began singing together.

"Oh, the sun will come out tomorrow

So you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow

Come what may

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love 'ya, tomorrow

You're only a day away."

"Oh thank you oo-aniki!" Jakotsu squealed giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Don't you feel better now that we did a musical number?"

"I suppose."

"So...what now?"

"I dunno. What do you want to do?"

"I don't know what do you want to do?"

"I don't know what do you want to do?"

"I don't know what do you want to do?"

"I don't know what do you want to do?"

"Damn it Bankotsu pick something already!"

"All right! Um...let's...thumb wrestle!"


"One two three four I declare thumb war..." they said and began thumb wrestling.

"Oh I got you!" Jakotsu said.

"Oh no you don't."

"Eh! You can't move your hand! Fowl!"

"There aren't any fowls in thumb wrestling."

"What? Did you go to thumb wrestling referee school or something?"

"Do they have thumb wrestling referee's?"

"I wouldn't think so. But what the hell do I know?"


"Hey! I know things!"

"What kind of things?"

"Inappropriate things..."

"You really do have a one track little mind don't you."



"Can we sing again?"

"I don't know. I mean last time was ok but I'm not sure...I mean..."

"What's wrong Aniki?"

"Was...was I any good?"

"You were wonderful!"



"Don't lie Jakotsu."

"I'm not. You were beautiful."

"Well...gee...I guess...beautiful?" He nodded. "Aw shucks. All right. We can sing again."

They both grinned and once again joined hands.

"Chim chiminey

Chim chiminey

Chim chim cher-oo!

Good luck will rub off when

I shake 'ands with you

Or blow me a kiss

And that's lucky too!"

"Singing is fun Jaky-chan."

"You want to know something else that's fun?"

"Critter stick?"

"Um...I'm afraid to ask. What's critter stick?"

"Well, I am glad you asked!"

The lights went out as a screen rolled out into the room. Jakotsu was pushed into a small chair. When he looked up, Bankotsu was in a pair of over alls and a straw hat. He had a shot gun in his right hand.

"Oooo...Aniki...are we doing role play?"

"No!" Bankotsu said, his voice suddenly taking on a bit of a redneck accent. "Now listen up here. Critter stick is the ancient redneck form of huntin' critters."


"That's Bank Bob to you sunny."

"All right...Bank Bob...what's a critter?"

"Squirrels, rabbits, birds, beavers, deer, anything type of furry woodland creature with four legs. As I was saying. First you get your shot gun, then you go out into the woods and fine yourself a critter. Once you found it, you bash it's head in and bring it back home where you make critter stew!"

Pressing a small button, the screen began to play a short movie where a young redneck chased around a small critter, and then cooked him when he reached his home.



The lights came back on, the TV disappeared, the chair vanished and Jakotsu fell on his butt. Bankotsu was still in his overalls. The said over all dressed man looked out the window to see the 'it' still looking around. He jumped when he felt the older man's arms wrap around him.

"I like this look for you oo-aniki."

"What about you?"

"What about me? I'm not wearing anything..."

Looking down, Jakotsu gasped. No longer was he in his pink yukata, but he was dressed in baggy pants, a shirt which said 'My Pimp Juice', high tops, and his hair was done in corn rows.

"Ah! What happened to me! And why do I feel the sudden need to..."

"What? What's wrong?" Bankotsu questioned attentively.

"I want to dance and say booty a lot as well as repeat my name at least twenty times in a row!"

Jakotsu had somehow gotten what is known as rapalitise, a horrible disease which thousands of Americans suffer from each year, and the number one cause for bad hip hop albums.

"No!" the braided man yelled and grabbed his friend by the shoulders. "Snap out of it!"

"Don't do that."




"I like the way you do that right thurr (right thurr)

Swish your hips when you walk, let down your hurr (down your hurr)

I like the way you do that right thurr (right thurr)

Wet your lips when you talk, that make me sturr (make me sturr)."

"Ahh! Your rapping! No, Jaky-chan! Come back to me!"

"We doin.. big pimpin, we spendin cheese

Check em out now

Big pimpin, on B.L.A.D.'s

We doin.. big pimpin up in N.Y.C.

It's just that Jigga Man, Pimp C, and B-U-N B

Yo yo yo.. big pimpin, spendin cheese

We doin - big pimpin, on B.L.A.D.'s

We doin.. big pimpin up in N.Y.C.

It's just that Jigga Man, Pimp C, and B-U-N B."

"I need to snap him out of it before he sings again. But...how?"

"I'm goin down down baby, yo' street in a Range Rover

Street-Swepper baby, cocked, ready to let it go

Shimmy shimmy cocoa what? listen to it loud

Light it up and take a puff, pass it to me now."

Biting his lip, Bankotsu did the only thing he thought he could.

He bitch slapped Jakotsu.

As soon as he did it, the other man staggered back wards. He blinked.

"You little ho!" he said. "That hurt! You're not supposed to slap a pimp!"

"Your not a pimp!"

"Look at my Air Force Ones!"

"We're in the Feudal Era. We aren't even supposed to know what Air Force One's are!"


He blinked and shook his head. Suddenly, his corn rows fell out and he was back in his usual attire. Bankotsu sighed heavily in relief. As he looked back up at his friend, he fell back and began giggling hysterically.

"What? What's so fun?

"T-the...the corn rows...you have...you have an afro!"

"WHAT?!" he screamed and ran to the mirror. "NO! MY HAIR! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!"

He turned to the other man, glaring at him.

"What did you do?"



Stunned, Bankotsu replied, "Slut."


"Transvestite hooker!"

"Your mom!"

"Your dog!"

"Your uncle!"

"Your second cousin twice removed aunt's niece's secretary's next-door-neighbors grocery boy's great grandma's sister on your daddy's side!"

Jakotsu blinked. "That really hurt."

"I'm sorry!" he cried and jumped up. "I didn't mean to yell at you. And I didn't mean all that stuff I said."

"I'm sorry for calling you a ho."

"It's all right. Let's just promise we'll never do it again."

"Best friends forever?"


"Hey...what was that?" the older man asked looking around suspiciously.

"The dancing welcome mats of doom?"

"No...I don't think so..."

"The goats?"


"The ponies?"


"Henry the Toilet Monster?!"

"The it...is coming..."

The two began backing up into a corner, hiding in the shadows as the 'it' came closer.

"I'm so scared Aniki."

"I'll protect you!"



"Well then you should be wearing a sexy super hero costume!"

Within moments, a leather white band went around Bankotsu's eyes. White lycra replaced his overalls and there was a S-T on his chest in sparkling pink letters. There was a pair of tight red speedo style underwear which he was wearing outside of his pants.

"OOOOOOOO!" Jakotsu exclaimed happily.

"What in the hell am I wearing?"

"Your sexy super hero costume. You look so pretty!"

"I don't know."

"You are so keeping that for later," he said, wiggling his eyebrows.

"But...I can't move in it!" he whinnied.

Jakotsu's grin widened. "Good."

"Just go sit down and play the dude in distress while I save you."


The older man went and began making some strange sounds.

"What the hell are you doing?" Bankotsu questioned.

"Making the dude in distress noises!"

"It sounds like your doing something...else..."


"Just be quiet!"

Bankotsu waited with baited breath as he heard the 'it' approach. Soon, the door swung open and there it was, standing in the door way.

"Prepare to die, fuzzy minion of doom!" he said, his voice booming. "In the name of all that is bad, zombie, evil, bishounen..."

"And yaoi!" Jakotsu added.

"...and yaoi, I will destroy you!"

He reached into his utility belt and pulled out his secret weapon. The almighty ketchup packet.


The almighty ketchup packet.


Are you deaf! The almighty ketchup packet!

"How is that going to help me kill it?"

Not just any ordinary almighty ketchup packet. One that is filled with....the enchanted relish!

"Enchanted relish? Ok..." Bankotsu said in confusion.

Now, go forth young ranger and defeat the evil fuzzy minion of doom!


The battle was long and hard, lasting a whole forty-one seconds in extra slow slow motion. The relish was squirted, hitting the 'it' causing it to fall to the floor with one final word.


The two other's sighed in relief. The 'it' was dead. They were saved. Jakotsu grinned.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Bankostu questioned.

"Well...it's you and me...all alone...in a cabin filled with costumes...are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

After a few moments, the shorter man caught on and grinned as well.

"I love you..." he began moving to his friend. "You love me."

"Good thing we're not family."

"With a knife in a back and a bullet in his head..."

"Aren't you glad Renkotsu's dead?"

Giggling, Jakotsu pulled the other into a kiss. He ran his hands over the white lycra.

"I really liked it when you went all super hero like," he whispered. "Your voice got all deep and sexy."

"Jaky-chan..." he said and blushed. The two continued doing rather silly, rather yaoi things in the cabin.


Kagome looked around furiously, throwing random objects into the air and cursing under her breath when she couldn't find what she was looking for.

"Aww! The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" Inuyasha yelled and jumped away to hide behind a tree.

"Baka," Kagome said. "The sky isn't falling. I'm just looking for something!"

"Oh...what?" he questioned jumping down.

Sighing, the young miko answered. "My Furbie. See, it's this toy that's really popular in America. I got it, but turns out, it was defective and had been accidentally programmed into a killing machine. I brought it here so you could destroy it."

The hanyou shrugged. "Oh well. I'm sure someone is going to find it and be able to kill it.

"Yeah," she sighed. "Probably."

Ah, if only they knew.


Told you it was stupid. The Furbies are evil. Ahem I did write the frolic song, but I doubt you'd ever use it anyway. My friend and I made up the magic 8 ball soul mate thing, critter stick, and some of the other random shite in here. My first Jak/Ban so please be kind. And a note, I love all the angsty and violent stuff, but I just needed to find some utter stupidity for this pairing. No flaming, cause it's just not nice. And I don't remember all the songs I used but I don't own 'em!

Jakotsu- Come on! Review! Eh...I have an afro!

Bankotsu- *blinks* That was so retarded!

Wasn't it great?

Bankotsu- Review!

Jakotsu- Cause you know you want to. *winks at all cuties*

Bankotsu- HEY!

Jakotsu- You know I love you. And your lycra...

Get a room you two! Geesh...did I mention, please review? he he...thanks!