Author: Eeevee

Title: Hellschool

Genre: humor/parody

Rating: R for implications, drugs, language, situations, yaoi (more s-ai actually because I'm a chicken ^^)

Disclaimer: I don't have to tell you I don't owe any of this. You're a smart crowd. I bet you even know who does own it. See? Have a cookie!

Prologue: Orientation

Tetsu stared at the big arches rather stupidly. Of course, they were meant to look impressive and expensive, but the high barbwire fence spoiled the effect.

Those fences almost wanted to make him run over and see if they were electric. But then that Tatsu-voice popped up, 'What are you thinking Tetsu! That's a dangerous no-no! Are you trying to kill me!'

"Heh, the voltage isn't that high." The white haired kid said from beside him looking at the sky longingly. His gaze swung around towards Tetsu and he pointed to the danger sign just on the other side of the pillar. "They just want to torment us, not kill us. Lawsuits."

Great, that was just great. Why was Tetsu here again? Just because he look at that girl in the mall and made a little, innocent comment Tatsu didn't have to send him to an all boys prep school!

Talk about cruel and unusual punishment.

Tetsu turned towards the other boy only to find him gone amidst the crowd of other freshmen waiting for their guide.

Tetsu never understood the point of orientation. How stupid were you not to figure out a map? Then again, there was that time… but it was a crappy map!

"Good morning!" A voice chirped gaining instant, dumbfounded silence as heads turned.

"Hey, I thought this was an all boys school!" Someone shouted and several others whistled.

The figure gave a friendly smile, "Yes, it is."

"So—you're a guy." The white haired punk ventured since no one else seemed to be inclined to.

Tetsu ran an untrained eye. Nope, nothing up top.

"I would hope so!" The older boy continued, un-offended. He shoved back his butt-length purple hair back into a loose ponytail and tucked it against his back. "Otherwise I'd be breaking the rules. My name is Souji Okita and I'm here to give you your orientation to our lovely school! The upperclassmen should not be on campus yet, but if you see them please tell me."

"Why?" Would that kid ever shut up? Who cares why? Tetsu thought grumpily to himself.

"Because that would be breaking the rules, right? Follow me!"

He led them to the gym. Tetsu had to admit it was a nice spread. Almost fanatically clean and sparkly with everything looking like new. Lots better than his trash school from before.

He trailed his fingers across the wall idly as the rest of the boys found seats on the risers. The wall ended at a door labeled 'Supplies.' Being curious he found it unlocked. By then Okita was talking about the fliers he was going to hand out and how wonderful the school was and what a great opportunity they were getting. Blech. You weren't supposed to be enthusiastic about anything school related. There must be something wrong with the young man.

He slipped into the near-dark room and felt around for a light switch. Instead something grabbed his hand.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" He screamed finding himself aloft by a good two inches.

Hot breath was on his face and a dark voice growled, "What are you doing in here? You brats have no manners, sneaking in here. If I find so much as one softball out of place you will be in my personal detention for a month. I don't take trespasses lightly!"

"Y-es, yes sir!" Tetsu yelped as he was liberated. He landed on his butt with a hefty thump.

The light flipped on and he bit back a scream. The guy only had half a face!

The man stared down at him with concentration. Tetsu wondered how good his vision was with only one eye, but he was too terrified to ask.

"Get out."

"Y-es!" Tetsu yipped and scrambled on all fours to obey. Foot met rump to hasten his flight when he hesitated.

It was an embarrassing scramble across the sparkly floors towards the others.

"Ah, I see you've met the gym teacher and sports coach!" Okita chirped as he watched Tetsu scramble back to the risers with the dark man making sure he was going. "These are the new freshman!"

"I see." His dark gaze flickered over them then landed on the white haired dude Tetsu had sat next to. A smile curled on his mouth before he turned to Okita, "I was searching for you. I require your help for a few minutes."

Okita cast a worried look over his silent, wide-eyed charges, "But I can't leave them here by themselves."

"Never fear, the trio is here!" A loud voice boomed, echoing off the walls.

The three newcomers came in with Okita giving them a dubious look. The middle sized one stepped forward with a slick smile. His brown hair was pinned up on the top of his head and his uniform was just short of being unacceptable, by any standards.

"Okita! We're here to help the freshmeat out." He said with a grin. "So you just run along and we'll make it all better, right Shinpattsan?" The little one nodded with crafty eyes fixed on the nervous students, "Sano?" The giant was more interested in that half sub sandwich he was devouring, but he nodded obligingly anyway.

Okita looked at them, "I don't know. I don't think Hijikata would be very pleased to find you three on campus." Okita frowned and looked at the scary gym teacher, then he sighed.

"Don't worry about it. We've all been freshman. Anyway, who better to show them the ropes that us? Sano's been here six years already!" The runt soothed running a quick hand through his wiry, red hair.

The giant stopped in mid-bite, "Only five Shinpachi."

"This will be your sixth year." The short one pointed out teasingly, "You just couldn't bear to leave our dear teacher Yoshida, could you?"

Sano shoved him with a flat palm and sent the small boy stumbling, "That's gross."

"We promise to be on our best behavior. Besides, I think he's getting a bit impatient. The sooner you help him the sooner you can save your precious freshmeat from the big, mean seniors!"

Okita nodded and flashed everyone a smile, "I'll be right back!"

The ringleader of the three waited patiently for the purple haired orienter to disappear from sight before he pulled out a hidden stack of fliers from under the table.

He handed out a stack to his companions and the papers were quickly passed among the student populace of freshmen.

"What!" That same kid. Tetsu hoped he wasn't in any of his classes. The boy was annoyingly loud. "I'm not wearing that!"

"It's a requirement." The short one said with a grin, "Call it a rite of passage. It's only for the first week of course."

Tetsu peered down at his and choked. What the heck? There was no way he would ever wear something like that. And he really didn't want to see that much leg on any other guy either!

"But a skirt? This looks to be only four inches." The white haired kid pointed out calmly. "And it's plaited. You can't be serious."

"Hey Heisuke, I thought you said it was only three and a half." The big one, Sano, protested.

"Right you are. That's right kiddos, only three and a half inches. Better shave your legs if you don't want to tear your pantyhose." Heisuke advised with a straight face. He continued in the same informative tone, "Our school colors are turquoise and white so make sure you have a white ribbon or bow in your hair as per the dress code."

"I'm not wearing that." Tetsu's seatmate announced flatly with his crimson eyes narrowed stubbornly. "I'll see the dean before I wear that."

This didn't seem to bother Heisuke or the other two very much. Maybe they'd heard that sort of talk before.

"Be our guest. Kondou is a very nice dean. You'll like him. He's rather picky about how his students dress however. Would you like to see him now? Shinpattsan would be happy to guide you to his office."

"Yes, I think that would be a good idea."

Tetsu didn't like the nod/wink combination that passed between the trio.

"Would anyone else like to go with him? We'd sorely miss you, but the orientation must go on!"

"I would. No way you jerks are making me wear a skirt!" Tetsu shouted leaping up. His heroic moment was ruined as he tripped on the up-step and tumbled down face-first.

"Oh dear, so cute! He's just like a little, clumsy puppy. Hey Puppy, I think you need to grow into your feet a bit!" Heisuke gushed.

Tetsu went from a twitching mass to a terrified, twitch mass. He wasn't sure why, but that tone of voice made him want to wet his pants. It said so much that he wasn't sure he wanted to understand.

"Little Puppy, would you let me be your master?"

"Heisuke," Shinpachi growled.

"Fine, ruin my fun. I see the green-eyed monster didn't leave over the summer!"

It might have come to blows if the big one did step between them. He shoved Shinpachi towards Tetsu and the white haired kid. Heisuke was pushed in the opposite direct towards the rest of the freaked freshman. They retreated before him.

"Take our dear Puppy then." Heisuke said with mock sorrow. His slanted eyes slid over the other boy, "And the little Kitty too."

"Did you just call me a kitty?"

"Indeed I did!"

Shinpachi interposed himself, "Don't mind him. He's rude to everyone. He was born like that and doesn't realize that normal people don't have sexual innuendos coming out of their mouth in every sentence."

"Hey! I can talk nice too." Heisuke protested innocently.

"Sure. When you're not hitting on people you're insulting them. Just keep going; I'll be back after I drop off these two."

The short senior walked ahead of them only to look over his shoulder in the most bizarre fashion. Tetsu noticed that under the bandage across the bridge of his nose he had a liberal spread of freckled.

Once his visual inspection was complete he gave a feral grin and stopped.

"I'm Shinpachi Nagakura. I'm in charge of the second class."

"We're not going to make it to the dean's office, are we?" Tetsu's companion asked and Tetsu blinked.

"Not a chance."

"I'm Suzu Kitamura."

"Tetsunosuke Ichimura."

"So what are you going to do with us?" Tetsu asked apprehensively.

Shinpachi shrugged, "Torture you to gain your silence and undying obedience."

Tetsu's eyes went wide and he yelped, "You can do that!"

"Of course he can't." Suzu snorted contemptuously. "He can't do anything to us."

"Wanna bet?" Shinpachi asked in mock friendliness. He was only a bit taller than Tetsu. He bet between him and that Suzu kid they could take him. As if he read minds he shook a finger, "Tsk, no fighting in the halls. Not unless you want to see Hijikata. He's a real demon. The only one he really likes is Okita."

Who happened to show up. Saved.


The two cornered freshmen turned with relief to see Okita coming back with the big, scary guy Yoshida. He gave a wide smile and waved cheerfully.

Once they reached the three Okita asked, "Why aren't you guys with the group. I don't think leaving Heisuke alone with the new students is a very good thing." He gave a bird-like cock of his head and put an index finger to his bottom lip.

"Sano was there." Shinpachi said dismissively, "These two haven't been here even an hour and they're already causing trouble. I was just taking them down to Kondou's office."

"You, come with me."

Tetsu's heart froze in terror until he realized that Yoshida wasn't pointing at him. Then he was torn between cruel laughter and feeling sorry for poor Suzu. It wasn't like the jerk was his friend or anything.

"Yes sir!"


"Yes Master!"

Okita, Shinpachi, and Tetsu watched until they were around the corner before moving again. This time back towards the gym.

Shinpachi scoffed in sympathy, "I thought that guy said he didn't want a student aid. Hypocrite. This day has been surprising. Yoshida doesn't usually crawl out of his dark hole- er, office."

"Yes, this day is full of surprises." Okita agreed with a twinkle of mischief in his purple eyes, "Hijikata is also getting a student aid."

"You're shitting me." Shinpachi yelped and tripped into a locker.

"Do I look like a kidder?" Okita teased.

Shinpachi choked and Okita patted him gently on the back until he subsided.

"So…" Deep breath, "Who's…" Pant, "The lucky bastard?"

"Tetsu, could you come with me please?" Okita chirped, ignoring the question. Or at least Tetsu thought he was ignoring the question until Shinpachi let out a gasp of horror then dissolved into laughter.

"Won't Heisuke be so disappointed to lose his new pet?" The short senior snickered, "The Puppy certainly has a new master now!"

Tetsu trailed after the bright senior, who was all but skipping down the hall and humming. It must be a chemical imbalance in the brain or something serious like that. No one could truly be that happy. Well, maybe with drugs, but Tatsu never let him touch those so he wouldn't really know.

"You're not on drugs are you?" He blurted out then clapped his hands over his mouth. Stupid!

Okita stopped and looked at him with a serious face, "Drugs are very bad for you." His voice dropped, "Not only that, but being caught with them is grounds for immediate expulsion from school."

Tetsu's eye widened, "Seriously?"

Okita blinked and gave a curious face, he was very expressive Tetsu noticed, "You didn't actually believe me did you? Ah, sorry! No, no, if that were the case Saito would have been kicked out awhile back."

"What was that Okita?"

Tetsu nearly jumped out of his skin when he found himself face-to-face with another guy. The guy's hair was swept to the side in long bangs and pulled into a ponytail in the back. He certainly looked like a stoner if you went by his expression.

"Hehe, nothing. I was just commenting on your addiction." Okita chirped.

The guy, Saito Tetsu assumed, blinked slowly and a bland smile spread across his face, "Coke is hardly the worst thing in the world to be addicted to."

"It's not good for you!" Tetsu blurted out. Geez, talk about no filter. Yet there was no turning back now. "I mean, you don't sell it, do you?"

The taller guy looked down with a hooded expression, but raised an eyebrow in a silent question.

Okita pressed his knuckled against his lips to hold back giggles, "Tetsu, I think you've made a mistake. Saito was talking about coca-cola!"


Saito nodded, "Yes. It is a good source of caffeine."

Tetsu wasn't usually particularly quick on the uptake, but this suspicion was lurking in the back of his mind that he was being laughed at.

"Don't forget about your other one!"

Saito blinked, "Soba has been added to the menu as I requested."

"I think that people might skip dinner if that's the case." Okita laughed lightly, "So what's going on? You don't usually pop up unless you have something to say."

"Your freshmen are in the basement."

"What? Oh boy." Tetsu said then paused, "This place has a basement?"

"Thank you. Hijikata told me to keep an eye on Heisuke, but I was distracted. I hope he doesn't scare any of them too badly." Okita half-apologized.

"Heisuke was not present."

Okita's face paled. Tetsu was beginning to understand there was one thing worse than a Heisuke loosed on the 'freshmeat' population, and that was a Heisuke missing in action.

"Excuse us Saito!" Okita said grabbing Tetsu's wrist and dragging him along.

The younger boy was dragged down several unfamiliar hallways and by the time he gathered his wits enough to pay attention he was sure that if he ever got separated from Okita he would wander around until he starved to death.

Picturing a wasting death made him tighten his grip on Okita's wrist. That slowed the older boy.

He looked back, "Are you okay? I didn't mean to hurt you!"

Tetsu could tell he would have a bruise but he shoved back the discomfort and brushed it off, "I'm okay. We just have to save my fellows from your pervert."

"Yes!" Okita said enthusiastically as he unconsciously picked up the pace. Tetsu wondered what he did to be so athletic. He didn't look like he could move so fast, let along drag a kid along behind him. "You and I can be the heroes of the freshmen class. They'll love you forever for it!"

Tetsu blushed. He hadn't thought about that. It would be a way to make new friends maybe. But then Tatsu would have been right, telling him that saying he wouldn't make any new friend was a load of bullcrap. Man, he hated when his geek brother was right!

Any hopes of glory were dashed when they arrived in the basement. The freshmen were there alright. Huddled together in a nervous group and obeying their sheep instincts while Sano gleefully pointed out the best features of their new "dorm."

"—Don't mind the rats. If you leave them alone they'll leave you alone." Sano finished with a roguish grin towards Okita.

"Where is Heisuke?" Okita asked in a low voice. There was an aura around him that screamed danger. Suddenly he didn't seem all that slender and frail. Sano seemed to think so too because he took a slight step back.

"I don't know. He said he was going to look for Shinpachi awhile ago." Sano gulped.

"Please take the freshman to their real dorms and help them find their roommates." Okita instructed, "Tetsu and I are going to see Hijikata."

Tetsu heard ominous whispers about a 'demon' behind them as they left at much more dignified, if not sedate pace.

"Is this Hijikata guy mean?" Tetsu asked hesitantly, the whispers running through his head. He trusted Okita, right? Okita was a good guy. He saved him from Shinpachi and Yoshida. He wanted to trust Okita.

Okita slowed to a stop and the corners of his mouth twitched, "He's very strict."

"Hey! What the heck is that supposed to mean?"

Strict. How well Tetsu knew that word. But was Hijikata like Tatsu strict or something else entirely? He knew his big brother found him tiresome sometimes, but he was usually fair, if overdramatic.

Okita didn't answer and Tetsu made a face at his back.

The walk was held in an odd sort of silence. As if Tetsu had defiled some sort of sacred Okita monument or something. His happy, accommodating nature had been replaced by a serious, sharp one. Tetsu found himself wishing he hadn't opened his mouth.

Which didn't do anything to help his temper.

He hated being sorry for anything. It was a horribly mulish notion, or so Tatsu told him constantly, but frick that. He could feel the way he wanted to.

Tetsu started counting lockers. What an ugly color, turquoise. It was a girly color. Why couldn't they have crimson or black or gold. Something bold and striking! At least their mascot was cool. It was all because of the kendo team really. Samurai just seemed like a fitting one for the national champions.

When the lockers got too tiresome he counted door. Identical little door with wooden panels and glass windows. Geez, this place really was a prison.

He was so busy counting doors that he ran right into Okita.

"Oops, sorry."

"That's okay." Okita reassured pleasantly. He knocked, frowned slightly, and knocked again. "That's odd. He's usually here."

Heisuke came around the corner humming what sounded to Tetsu what Tatsu called 'a nasty, sick song that you will never hear or repeat.' He stopped at the sight of them and swallowed nervously.

"Okita, fancy seeing you here."

"Indeed. Mind telling me where you've been for the last twenty minutes?"

Heisuke gave a cocky smirk, "Helping Sannan. Why, what did Sano do that you're going to blame on me?"

Tetsu felt like a baby do it, but he tugged on Okita's sleeve and asked, "Who's Sannan?"

"Just the nicest guy in school." Heisuke sniggered, "He'd like you Puppy."

"Like who?" The man joining them looked harmless, nice even. A scary contrast to all the crazies Tetsu had met so far. There was a gentle look and feel about him. "Oh, a new freshman, or just a visiting child?"

"Child!" Tetsu yelped indignantly, "I'm fifteen!"

"Apologizes. You're a freshman then."

Okita gave a genuine grin of pride and announced, "This is Hijikata's new aid." Then his eyes narrowed slightly, "If I could find the man."

There was a loud crash from outside.

"How much do you want to bet that Susumu is out there." Heisuke grinned and Sannan shook his head muttering, "I wish those two could settle their differences."

"Where's the fun in that?"

"You are a sadist, truly."

Heisuke shook off the comment saying at least he was never bored.

Okita didn't reply, but shot off in the direction of the noise. Tetsu gaped after him. Was the guy on sugar pills or something?

"Heh," Heisuke said with his hands behind his head, "Come with us little Puppy. We'll lead you to the action so you can see them go."

Sannan excused himself.

"Spoil sport. I bet Shinpattsan and Sano are already out there with some popcorn."

The once pristine lawn had turned into a battlefield.

The two combatants stood facing off in the middle of it with weapons drawn. The weapons happened to be metal rods that looked like they were ripped from the ground. Heisuke pointed to a drooping sapling and mentioned something about another dead Bradford Pear. Good, those things stunk.

"You cannot propose to tell me what to do." The big, scary one growled in a low voice. His long, thick, black hair was pulled into a loose, flowing ponytail that reached down his back. What was it with long hair around here?

The other one was lean and wiry with an almost-rattail. His narrow, dark eyes were locked on his opponent and his fists were wrapped around the metal.

"You aren't welcome. Get that through your stubborn head!"

"I believe I am. If I were not then I would not have to put up with you." The big one retorted harshly, "You are trespassing on private property."

"Oh good one! I'll remember that when you come knocking at my door next time." The wiry one spat back.

"We shall see."

"You're such a stiff prick. I bet you're no good in bed and your conversational skills suck."


"Hmm, I wonder what he would be like in bed." Heisuke mused out loud. Tetsu edged away from him right into a wall of muscle. Sano shoved him forward to stand by his perverse friend and watched with a huge grin.

"I think he's got him this time."

"Ridiculous." Shinpachi snorted. Where did these guys come from? "Hijikata wouldn't let that punk push him around if he didn't feel like he had to. I say just whap the whelp a few times. Fix that issue right up."

"Dear Shinpattsan, not everything is about violence."

"Not everything is about sex." Shinpachi retorted with distaste.

"Yeah, there's food." Sano imputed and looked around, "Does anyone have some?"

Tetsu gripped his half melted candy bar protectively and kept his mouth shut for once. Okita, however, had other ideas. He was working his way through a packet of starburst jellybeans that seemed to be left over from Easter. No wonder the guy was on Cloud Nine. There was enough sugar in those to kill a diabetic.

"Aren't you worried in the slightest Okita? Susumu looks really mad this time." Shinpachi asked.

Okita waved a handful of jellybeans in his direction and answered, "Nosh at wall."

Tetsu stared between them. He was really confused. Not a new sensation, one he was well acquainted with actually, but one he didn't particularly like either. He was guessing the big one was Hijikata, or at least it seemed like a fitting name for such a hulk. You know, buzz the hair and add green skin and he could star in some cheap B film. The other one, Susumu, could be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

"Hey Donatello, do something already!" Tetsu shouted.

The slender man stiffened and turned, incredulous, "What did you just call me?"

"Uh-oh." The 'oh crap' bells were ringing frantically now.

Heisuke put fingers to chin and mused out loud, "You're right, he does look like the red one."

"Was Donatello the red one? I thought that was the purple one." Sano argued.

Heisuke shook his head, "Purple and rainbow are gay colors. He's not gay. Then again, I'm not sure if he likes women. Or maybe he does and they don't like him. You know, if he'd just get himself some action he'd be all fixed up."

"Colors can't be gay Heisuke!" Shinpachi groaned.

"But they can be associated with being gay." Heisuke pointed out patiently, "Don't you know that society plays by its own rules?"

"Oh no, don't you even start. You'll poison the Puppy with your Freudian-talk!" The short senior moaned covering his ears.

"Ah, chalk it up to a learning experience for the boy. Freud was a great man."

If possible, the reverent tone that was given to the name Freud was even more terrifying than the gushy 'you're so cute and I want to screw you senseless' tone. None of the other boys seemed to even notice. Tetsu made his knees stop shaking with effort.

"Ah, Susumu gave up." Okita remarked popping in the last handful of jellybeans. He chewed thoughtfully, totally ignoring the drooling Sano, and swallowed. "Hijikata will be pleased."

"Nah, he'll be grouchy."

Tetsu stared as Hijikata stabbed the metal tree support back into the ground. Hard. He couldn't help gulping.

"Souji," He snapped and Okita did a mock salute, instantly in good cheer. Maybe the jellybeans had hit his system. "I thought you were keeping an eye on things."

"Yes, I was, but Yoshida needed my help." Okita explained happily. Definitely the jellybeans. No sane person would so happily run towards slaughter. "Heisuke was with Sannan," Hijikata didn't look too impressed, "So he had a legitimate reason for being here."

"What about those two."

Okita looked over with an impish grin, "What sort of trio would they be with only one person?"

"So they were making mischief." The big man's ebony eyes slid over Tetsu, "With the freshman."

"The freshmea- ah, freshmen are safely putting things away in their dorms sir!" Heisuke said without a hint of taunt in his voice, or sexual implication.

"Hijikata?" Okita continued boldly. He gently tugged Tetsu out front where the boy narrowed his eyes and took on a defensive stance. No wonder they called this guy a demon. "Here's your new aid."

Those harsh eyes stared down and Tetsu felt two reactions. The first one, not sensible at all, was to attack, attack, attack. If anyone had dared to look down on him that way at his old school they would be hamburger. That one teacher deserved it too. His second, much safer, instinct was to hide. Instead he compromised and glared back up with a stiff back and face.

"Souji…" He warned in a big dog tone. The kind that said mess with me and lose a limb. You didn't need that arm now did you?

Okita underwent an amazing transformation. Chipper to downtrodden and abuse in less than a second. It was truly a work of art, a talent of limitless potential.

"You did say you needed one."

"Anyone but that one."

"Hey, what, I'm not good enough for you? Mister Hulk is so big 'n' bad!" Tetsu spat wishing he were a dog. At least then he could bite the guy's ankle or lift his leg or something. "Well, I don't want your stupid aid job anyway."

"Hijikata… you promised! You said I could pick because you were too busy." Okita pouted. "You aren't going to be an Indian giver are you?"

Hijikata stared down for a full moment before sighing. He shook his head slowly and trooped back inside. Over his shoulder he conceded, "Fine, have it your way Souji. He better work hard."

"Yes sir!" Tetsu shouted after him. Just to piss him off a bit. This was going to be a risky job, he could tell.

A/N: Well, you knew this was coming. A high school pmk fic (well, sort of... heh, a warped version). Blame the LJ RP community of Kyuuri High for showing me that it could be done. I'm sure I'll be ridiculed, flamed, etc. I invite you to do so. This isn't meant to be taken seriously. High school were four years of pure hell for me (and most people I know). I have two solid years of repressed memory thank you very much. There is some Bush-bashing and Freud-bashing up coming, but nothing too much. Um, other warnings? My caustic sense of humor. I'll update when I can. I'd really, REALLY appreciate any ideas or suggestions: