Disclaimer: Don't own 'em. C'mon, do you think this would be posted in this sort of forum if I did? I'd be publishing books, making actual money... Sigh.

Notes: Sillyfic.

Rating: PG

Spoilers: General. If you don't know who Anubis/Apophis are, you're... spoiled now.

Pairing: None.

Wrong Palace On the Right

by Ana Lyssie Cotton

Daniel Jackson wasn't normally one to do what he was doing. But he had a good excuse, he was sure. Mind control. Goa'uld mind control was causing him to cuddle up to the newest bad-guy on the block, the one worse than all of the others combined. He made Apophis look like the Easter Bunny. Anubis. Daniel was discovering that he was hugging Anubis.

Mind control, he repeated to himself as his arms settled around the System Lord's shoulders. Had to be.

"Daniel, I'm pretty sure you're supposed to worship your gods, not hug them."

Colonel Jack O'Neill's voice was caustic at any time. Now, he sounded strained and... amused. Daniel decided to forgive him, even as he heard his own voice answer, "I don't know, Jack. I think Anubis is.. cuddly."

"He's right, sir." Daniel was disturbed to discover Major Samantha Carter joining him, one of her arms sliding around his waist while the other went around the Goa'uld. "His cloak is like nothing I've ever felt. It's so soft and snuggly."

"Snuggly." O'Neill sounded disturbed.

Daniel didn't really blame him. Sam Carter wasn't a woman known for voicing such tactile feelings. Especially not about System Lords.

"Indeed, O'Neill. I find myself strangely affected by Anubis' sensory input." Teal'c. Wow. Anubis had even mind-boggled Teal'c. Daniel watched in surprise as the tall Jaffa slid his arms around Anubis from the other side.

Anubis, for his part, seemed to find this all supremely amusing. He directed his comments to O'Neill, the taunt in his tone clear. "People of the Tau'ri, you are so easily turned against your purposes. One would think you were superior, given your arrogant behaviour of recent years."

"Yeah, about that," O'Neill began.

He was interrupted by Daniel. "Jack."


"Aren't we supposed to be trying to resist?"

"Well, I am trying, Daniel." Sam objected from his side.

Anubis merely chuckled sinisterly. "You cannot escape my mental grasp so easily, people of the Tau'ri. For I am Anubis, your God, and Thou Shalt Have None Before Me."

Daniel could hear the capital letters there. Oh, yeah. This was bad. "Ja-ack."

"What the hell do you want me to do, Daniel? You're the one getting cuddly with the creature from the Black Lagoon."

"I believe, O'Neill, he is closer to the evil Jedi Master, the Emperor Palpatine." Teal'c objected as he shifted his grip slightly.

"The Emperor. Right. I always think of him as Kinsey's older brother."

"Sir." Carter suddenly stepped back from Anubis, rubbing a hand over her side. "Anubis just, just--"

"I did only as I wished. As I am your God, you shall be silent on the subject."

"Yes, O Great One."

Daniel blinked. Sam was being sarcastic? Wow. She really had been hanging around Jack too much. "Hey, um, Sam?"

Her hands closed on his shoulders and she tugged, pulling him away from the System Lord. "Better?"

"Um. Yeah. Sorry about that, uh, Anubis. My, uh, God. Lord! My lord. Right."

Anubis eyed them, then slowly stepped back from Teal'c as well. "You may leave my presence now. I shall send for you as needed."

"Thanks." The Colonel waved a hand. "We'll be going now."

SG-1, the SGC's premiere team, the frontline against the Goa'uld, followed their jailors back into the maze that was Anubis's ship. Once they were back in their cell, O'Neill looked at Teal'c. "Well?"

The Jaffa smiled sweetly, and raised a small box. He fingered the trigger, "It is done, O'Neill." He raised an eyebrow.

"Well, Teal'c, since you put it on him, I think you should get to do it."

"Thank you." With a swift movement, the button was pressed.

A very satisfying explosion rocked the ship. Teal'c smiled again, then gestured to the now half-open door as lights began flickering, sirens began whining, and the sound of people panicking began drifting towards them. "I believe it is now safe to leave."

"Yeah." Jack smirked, "Somehow, I don't think even Anubis can recover from a packet of c4 under his robes."