Disclaimer- Obviously I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters mentioned in this fic. I'm also not making any money of off this and am thus only a poor starving college student. (

A/N- This one's real quick since I know they can get annoying. This is not quite an AU, but since Sirius is alive I guess you can consider it so, it doesn't really come up at all really, so enjoy! And please no flames unless you feel really strongly about it, but try to go easy on me, this is my first fanfic in a really long time- reviews are, of course welcome and thrived on.

Summary- This is my version of the cliché of what would happen when Sirius finally decides its time to give "The Talk". It has a twist though, so don't give up on it till you've tried it. It's just a lighthearted short- story- I'm not sure yet if it's a one-shot, but if anything there will only be one more part added.

Dogs...and Quaffles and Hoops??

*** Sirius took a deep breath and started towards the door that led to his godson's room at Grimmauld Place. He paused at the entrance as a sudden rush of panic hit him.

'Breath' one part of his head told him 'You can do this. You have to do this, for Harry's sake. It's just sex!'

'Sod Harry!' He argued with himself "And there's no such thing as "just sex." I know! I'll get Remus! Or Dumbledore! Or....or Snape!'

'Snape? You want to kill Harry before his seventeenth birthday? And Remus and Dumbledore aren't Harry's godfather. This is your job now, and it's well past due, Harry's almost seventeen for Merlin's sake! Someone's got to teach him about the facts of life!'

Sirius couldn't come up with any sort of sensible rebuttal to that one. "Bloody hell" he muttered as he rapped on the door.

"Come in" Harry's voice echoed from the inside of the room.

Sirius strode into the room, looking a lot more confident than he felt. Harry was sitting at his desk reading what looked like a Quidditch magazine.

"Hey Sirius, take a look at-"Harry stopped abruptly and lowered his magazine as he looked at Sirius' face. "What's happened? Is it Ron? Hermione? It's Hermione isn't it? She was supposed to go to Diagon Alley this afternoon-"

"No! No! No!" Sirius inwardly smacked himself- 'Great, you've already scared him half to death'

"Harry I'm sorry I worried you, everything's fine. Ron's outside playing Quidditch with Ginny and Hermione got back from London a few hours ago- she's in her room now; something about a revised edition of Hogwarts: A History?"

Harry breathed a sigh of relief- "Thank Merlin! Well what's wrong with you then? You look like your dog's died. Well, if you had a dog that is and in retrospect I guess that would be odd since you are a dog yourself and- "

Sirius cut him off 'This is it' he thought. "Well, funny you should mention dogs Harry because it relates to what I wanted to talk to you about."

Harry scrunched up his forehead, confused. "Okay..." He said slowly, waiting for his godfather to continue.

"Well...erm, okay...dogs..." Sirius felt like beating him head on a table repeatedly. 'What about dogs you idiot? What, are you going to start this conversation talking about canine mating rituals?'

"Sod off!" Sirius told the other part of his brain.

"Umm, Sirius? Are you feeling all right? Did Fred and George "test" one of their new products out on you?"

"What? Huh? Oh sorry Harry I didn't realize I had spoken aloud. No, no, I didn't take anything from them. I learned my lesson after one of their sweets transfigured Moony into a snail for a day. You could torture him all you want and it would take him hours to reach you. Kept me occupied for hours...umm well until the spell was reversed and he chased after me with a mucus-covered dishrag"

Harry looked at Sirius like he was mad.

"Ok, right then Harry." Sirius snapped back to the situation at hand "What I wanted to talk to you about. Well I'm just going to come out and say it." He took a deep breath and rushed his words out "Harry, what do you know about se- quaffles and hoops?"

'There! I did it!...kind of'

Harry blinked.

"Well the thing is Harry your at an age now when, well you'll be starting to think about hoops differently than you did when you were younger."


Sirius charged on "Well the thing is Harry, you're at an age where you'll be wanting to get your quaffle into a hoop- well either that or you prefer other quaffles- uh, you don't do you?" Seeing Harry's blank expression Sirius charged on "Not that there's anything wrong with that, at all! In fact Harry, you shouldn't ever feel embarrassed or ashamed about any of it, it's completely normal!"

Harry cut in "Sirius, I'm a seeker, are you telling me you want me to change positions and try out as a chaser? Because I don't think that-"

Sirius groaned "No! No, and No! Harry the quaffles and hoops was just an analogy, I guess I didn't make myself clear."

'Of course you didn't' That annoying little "other" voice piped up again 'I barely knew what the bloody hell you were blabbering on about and I'm your brain!' Sirius now really wanted to bang his brain against a wall

"What about...ink bottles and quills!" At Harry's still blank look Sirius tried again "Sticks and holes? The birds and the bees? OH FOR MERLIN'S SAKE: SEX!!! I'M TALKING ABOUT SEX HARRY!"

Harry instantly turned bright red. "Errrm....that is, sex, Sirius? What does...umm sex have you do with quaffles and hoops?" he paused "Or even dogs." He blinked, baffled.

Sirius started down at his blushing godson and flushed "Well, as I said Harry that was a bad analogy, but in essence what I meant was, well the quaffle is meant to be...well, your..."

"My what, Sirius?" A very embarrassed and confused Harry spoke out

"Itsmeanttobeyourpenis." This was spoken very quickly

"Huh? I can't understand a word you just said"

"I said PENIS! Your PENIS!" Sirius was beginning to feel faint 'This cannot be going any worse'

"Oh! Ok I got it that time, you can stop shouting 'penis' now!" Harry was still beet red

Sirius sat up excitedly "Err....right. Sorry. But you understand now? That's great! Good! I'm glad we had this talk Harry, we should do it more often" 'Just not anytime in the next century'

Sirius all but scrambled to the door and had almost made it to the safety of the hallway when he heard his name being called. Groaning to himself he turned and saw Harry still sitting on his bed, looking perplexed. "Yes Harry?"

"I'm still confused about something" Harry stated this slowly, still trying to work this out "what exactly did you mean about wanted to get my quaffle in a hoop?"

Sirius looked longingly at the wall, thinking about how wonderful it would feel to be rendered unconscious at this moment. It was going to be a long afternoon.

Sirius walked out of his godson's bedroom one hour later. "Prongs I know you're up there laughing your ass off right now, I'm going to bring you back from the dead and kill you again just for putting me through this!"

'That had to be the most embarrassing conversation I have ever had. Worse than explaining to Lily why James and I needed to borrow her black brazier back in sixth year." Sirius shook his head free of all the memories and thought back to the conversation he had with his godson, not minutes ago. 'It wouldn't have been so bad if Harry had had even the slightest idea about any of it. You'd think he'd lived under a rock for the past 16 years' He entered his room and crashed his head onto the pillow of his bed 'He might have picked up something from somewhere! As I recall dormitory talk was not entirely comprised of Quidditch talk.'

'That is for normal teenage boys who aren't facing death every other day. When exactly was he supposed to learn this?' The other voice again ' While he was locked under the cupboard with those nasty muggles he calls family, or when he was fighting Voldemort for six years at Hogwarts? It's not like you were any better, leaving this till he was almost an adult!'

Sirius conceded to that 'Alright so he does have an excuse, a damn good one at that. I hope I didn't make him feel bad for not knowing more things about it. I did maybe have some...erm rather loud reactions as his naivety.'

'Go talk to him then you sodding fool! Make him understand that it's not his fault, for Merlin's sake what if he's sitting there on his bed, miserable because his godfather thinks he's an idiot.'

'Don't call me a sodding fool! I am you! And furthermore-' "Oh bloody hell! I'm talking to myself, again!"

'Damn right you are'

"Oh shut up!" Sirius swung himself from the bed and padded to the door "Alright! I'll go talk to him, you-I could be right, I need to tell him that it's not his fault for not knowing, that it was mine, I should have talked to him earlier and..." Sirius paused as he approached his godson's room and heard voices echoing from the inside.

"Oh Merlin! You're kidding me, right Harry!? Quaffles and hoops?!" He heard Hermione Granger's familiar voice and then, what seemed to be hysterical laughter.

Feeling a little guilty at eavesdropping Sirius froze at the doorway. Harry was telling Hermione about their "talk"! 'Oh Merlin, please let her be more educated than Harry and not be hearing it for the first time!" Sirius thought himself to be pretty safe on that count, it was Hermione after all, the perpetual bookworm. 'Probably read all about it when she was eight.' He was still cautious however, 'Then again, I didn't really expect Harry to be so...uninformed about the whole thing and look how that turned out.' Sirius was contemplating going back to his room, or knocking and making his presence known, when he froze, hearing the next words come out of Hermione's mouth.

"I can't believe he thought you didn't know about sex! For God's sakes you're 16!" She chuckled "What did he say when you told him?"

Sirius felt his anger rise, this little...bookwormish witch was going to embarrass and his godson! Sirius was about to intercede when he heard his oh-so-innocent godson cough and clear his throat

"Well...see, I might not have exactly made that clear."

Sirius froze at that, confused.

"You did what!? Harry!" Hermione voice was incredulous and scolding "Do you mean to tell me, that you made it seem to your godfather, who had nothing but your best interests at heart when he talked to you, that you had no idea what he was talking about when he mentioned sex?" Hermione's voice had risen with ever word she uttered

"Shhh! Keep your voice down, he'll hear you! And I couldn't help myself, he just looked so horrified, like he was about to face 100 Death Eaters unarmed! Oh Merlin 'Mione, you should have heard him go on about how some blokes like other quaffles for their own instead of hoops- and the way he ended up screaming the word 'penis' when I pretended I couldn't hear him- I had to use all my self-control not to burst out laughing right there! You'd have been proud of me if you had been there! See, you do find it funny! You'd have done the same thing!"

Loud laughter echoed in Sirius' ears as he stood outside the doorway. His blood began to boil. 'Why that...that, I'LL KILL HIM!' He had his hand poised at the door, ready to wring his godson when he once again heard something that made his freeze.

Hermione had lowered her voice to something that Sirius could only describe as soft and sultry "So, did you pick up any...tips from this little talk?"

Harry chuckled huskily, and then spoke that Sirius was shocked to hear "Why Miss Granger, I'm insulted! Are you suggesting that I need tips?"

"Mr Potter, you know that I would never suggest such a thing."

"Well good, because had you done that I would have been forced to remind you exactly how fond of my tips you were last night."

Sirius stood, still at the doorway, his mouth now gaping open 'BLOODY HELL!'

"I'm afraid that might have slipped my mind. Perhaps you'll have to demonstrate it to me again?"

Sirius heard a rustle and then the springs in the bed creak.

"Oh I'm sure you remember Miss Granger, otherwise you wouldn't have been so eager to get to the "bookstore" at Diagon Alley today, am I right?"

"Oh yes, I found some lovely books. But you know...I had a little time to by at Madam Malkin's as well."

Harry chuckled again, that same throaty voice that still had Sirius reeling "Oh, well then we'll have to take a look at what you bought, funny I can't see it, maybe it's under...here"

Sirius heard a moan and another chuckle and then stumbled backwards, realizing what was happening. His hand brushed against the corner of a display table and sent the contents of the table crashing down. He heard footsteps and the door to the bedroom was flung open, revealing Sirius' dishevelled godson, and an equally dishevelled Hermione, whose blouse was now almost hanging off her shoulders.

"Erm...hello Sirius, everything alright?" Sirius glared menacingly at his oh- so-beloved godson from his position on the floor

"Run." was all that was needed to send his godson flying down the hall.