Warnings/notes : Yami/Bakura, slightly silly, hints at Bakura/Ryou and Yami/Yugi, dialogue-only, bad language, references to sending innocent people to the Shadow Realm, hints at sex.
Disclaimer : I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. This ficlet is part of 'Bumperstickers turned YGO' meaning it's based on a saying found on digitalbumperstickers.com.
written at 25th december 2003, by Misura
"I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?"
"Good evening, *ex*-Pharaoh."
"To you, perhaps, *ex*-Tombrobber."
"With you all moping and downcast? Of course."
"Bugger off, will you? I'm not in the mood."
"Is that a direct quote from that hikari of yours?"
"No. Not that it's any of your business what me and Yugi talk about."
"Just wondering. So ... why aren't you getting nice and cozy at home?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"I want to know."
"Because I'm sure it's something funny."
"You already said that. It's not going to work."
"I'll MindCrush you."
"Not before I send you to the Shadow Realm."
"Stalemate. Tell me."
"Yugi's going to kill me."
" ... really?"
" ... well, that's ... unexpected. Wouldn't have thought that do-goodie midget had it in him."
"How am I ever going to survive one whole week without sex?!"
" ... "
" ... what? I saved his life! And *this* is how he thanks me! Ungrateful brat!"
" ... you're really drunk, aren't you?"
" ... "
"Maybe. A little."
"You know, drunk people are supposed to be really easy to get."
" ... "
"And I mean, I *am* great-looking."
" ... "
"I'm not *that* drunk. Besides, I'm with Yugi."
"Who has kicked you out of his bed for the next seven days."
"After you saved his life."
"Yeah. Kind of, anyway."
"Either you did, or you didn't. Which of the two is it?"
"Well, there was this man who came by this afternoon. Said he was selling ... something."
"And as soon as Yugi got close enough he tried to strangle him for being such an annoying brat?"
"He was sent by Pegasus to steal the Puzzle and kidnap Yugi to watch Funny Bunny with him?"
"Hmmm, he was one of Kaiba's bodyguards coming to get rid of his boss' most important rival?"
"I give up. What did he do?"
"I told you : he was selling ... something."
"And I MindCrushed him."
"Because he was pushy! And wewerekindofinthemiddleofsomething."
" ... I don't believe this."
"It's not funny."
"You MindCrushed some poor idiot just because he called at the moment you were about to get snuggly with your hikari? That's - "
" ... "
"Stop laughing! What are you doing here anyway? Don't you have a hikari to torture?"
"Your concern for Ryou's health and general well-being is touching as ever, ex-Pharaoh."
"Oh, puh-lease! Everyone knows the worst you ever do to him is cover him in chocolate-sauce and whipped cream so that you can lick it off."
"Do I detect a hint of jealousy?"
"I'm not even going to answer that."
"Am I? Who's changing the subject and evading my question here?"
" ... "
"What's the matter, Tombrobber? Might it be I'm not the only Spirit who got kicked out of the house by his hikari for inproper behavior?"
"Ryou did *not* 'kick me out of the house'! He wouldn't dare to! I *left*. Because I couldn't stand the company of that weakling anymore."
"So ... he's mad at you and threw you out, huh?"
"Damn you! You're supposed to be drunk!"
"I'll never be so drunk that I'm no longer smarter than you'll ever be."
"Famous last words. You're lucky I'm in a good mood."
"So Ryou is mad at me. Big deal. He'll miss me soon enough and come crawling back, begging to be forgiven for yelling at me."
"Isn't that what *you* are going to do? I seem to recall hearing something about the end of your last break-up ... a thousand red roses and a candle-lit dinner ... paid with Kaiba's credit-card that had mysteriously disappeared the day before ... "
"It's not *my* fault he lets that puppy of his get within reach of his wallet. Who am I to say 'no' to such an opportunity? Besides, that dinner had nothing to do with making up. It was for our anniversary, Ryou's idea."
"Wipe that smirk off your face, if you want to get any tonight, ex-Pharaoh."
"Who says I do, ex-Tombrobber?"
"I know you, remember? Though you were a lot kinkier five-thousand years ago. That time in the dungeons, when I had let your guards catch me ... "
"You *let* them catch you? I seem to recall things a little different. You always were a bit clumsy."
"I was *not*! I was the King of Thieves!"
"Only because I gave you that stuff from the Treasury as 'proof' that you had managed to rob the palace, which no one had ever done before."
"You're really asking to be left alone to wallow in your loneliness and self-pity, you know."
"So? It's not like you've got anywhere else to go, is it?"
"Forever. And you love me that way."
"Love? There's no love between us. Just a bit of lust."
"Whatever you say."
"Let's get out of here, to somewhere a little more ... private."
"Sounds like one of your rare good ideas."
"One day, I *am* going to steal that Puzzle of yours and kill you."
"Oh, shut up and kiss me already."