Author's notes: I'm really sorry. I tried to resist, really. In the end, the temptation just got to me. I realize that this fic isn't going to be to everyone's taste, so here are my warnings. First off, if you don't like the idea of one of the generals going on a revenge rampage involving the Sailor Senshi, get out of here now. Second, although I'm a staunch yaoi supporter for the purposes of this fic Zoicite is a woman. If I was writing a different fic Zoicite would be male, but part of the reason Kill Bill is so incredibly cool is because the main character is a woman. No matter what talented actor could be chosen, no matter how good Tarantino is as a director, a male character in place of The Bride could NEVER be as cool. This is my first Sailormoon fic, and this is mainly because the generals are infinitely more interesting than any of the Senshi. And in Zoicite's case, I always got a very grindhousey, don't-gimme-no-sass-o'-I-kick-yo'-ass feel from him/her. So here is Kill Beryl. Don't kill me.
When will people learn that looking dead, sounding dead and feeling dead does not automatically mean dead. As soon as there's no breath and no pulse, the immediate conclusion that everyone jumps to is "He/She/It's dead. Grief!" So was the case with Zoicite.
After a pretty serious wound inflicted by Queen Beryl, Zoicite seemed dead. She wasn't breathing and there was no pulse, and Beryl didn't really want to keep a woman's corpse around the palace to gloat over, unlike Jadiete. So Beryl recruited two youmas to drag the body to the human realm and leave it in a field somewhere. They did so.
Three hours later, Inspector in Chief Vincent Vega was called out to investigate a homicide involving a Jane Doe in a cornfield. Wading through the mucky field in his fancy on-duty suede boots, he stopped about half a foot away to get a good look at Janey. Then he called to Maurice, his young assistant for a lowdown of the situation.
"Hoo-wee! Ain't this a shame Maurice?"
"Terrible shame, sir."
" Look at her. Bee-yoo-tiful. Red-blonde curls, nice firm breasts, long legs… bet she was a demon in the sack."
" I'll bet, sir."
" Why do the pretty ones go down like this. What's the report?"
" No-one matching her description's on the missing person's list. Judging by the way she's dressed, we think she may have been coming home from a fancy dress party."
" The weapon?"
" Seems to be some sort of shotgun. But we haven't found any bullets or pellets or nothing'."
" Just another unexplained homicide. Shame, real shame. Pack her up and get her to the morgue."
Inspector Vega started loading the girl's body into a plastic bag, and in keeping with his usual routine when working with attractive young ladies he slipped his hand inside her top. What he was expecting was to cop a quick feel of Lefty and go home to a cold shower and some cheap porn.
What he wasn't expecting was for the corpse to give him a smack across the mouth. And yet that's what happened.
" Maurice! Get back here! This little princess's still kicking!"
As it happens, Zoicite wasn't dead, just in a very deep coma, akin to an allergic reaction to a bee sting. Unfortunately, she didn't seem to be in any great hurry to wake up. She was transferred to the Coma Ward in Tokyo General hospital soon after the altercation with the pervert police chief. As if being almost killed by her boss and then felt up by a dirty old man wasn't bad enough, this particular wing of the hospital was run by a young man named Buck. Buck had a sidelining career as a pimp and often recruited his unconscious charges in these activities. When he saw the new Jane Doe, he was very impressed.
" Hey, there, little lady. I dunno if you can hear me or not, but if you can, I'm REAL pleased to meet ya. Now I got me a little business in this here wing, and I'd be honoured if you could help me out with it. See, a good-looking girl like yourself, bound to bring in the moolah. If you're interested, don't give me any signs. Yes? Great! Pleased to have you on board. Shoot, nearly forgot to introduce myself. My name's Buck, and I like to fuck!"
Zoicite was stuck in the hospital for four years, and made a lot of money for Buck. During the four years she spent there, lots of things happened outside. Beryl remained dormant inside the Dark Kingdom, the Sailor Senshi fought enemy after enemy and won, the American President had an affair with a seventeen year old call girl with a penchant for sado-masochism, same old, same old. Four years to the day after Jane Doe was discovered in the cornfield, Buck brought his cousin Eddie to the hospital to meet her acquaintance.
" Hot little number, ain't she, Eddie?"
" Fuck yeah. She's everything you said."
" Don't make a mess and I'll be back in about ten minutes. Got the cash?"
Eddie handed Buck a handful of bills.
" Sweet, man. Have fun!"
Unbeknownst to the two men, Zoicite was slowly waking up and had heard every word of this exchange. She didn't realise that they were talking about her until she felt Eddie's cold, clammy hand stroking her cheek.
" Well, ain't you a picture…"
Moments later, she smelled Eddie's stinking breath coming closer to her face. So she took evasive action. She headbutted big, fat, 226-pound Eddie so hard he flew right off the bed and was skewered by the lever on a nearby bed.
Zoicite stumbled out of bed, only to find that her legs weren't working and she ended up in a heap of ill-used limbs on the cold tile floor. She managed to gather herself up and supported herself against the side of the bed. Taking a glance around the bare room, her eyes skimmed over the comatose women, the medical equipment, the dead body and rested on the calendar.
" 20th April 2004," she said aloud. Her voice sounded strange to her ears and her throat hurt from lack of use. But as soon as she heard it out loud, she realized several things all at once. She realized that she was supposed to be dead but wasn't, that she was in the human realm, that it had been four years since she had last been conscious, and through the absence of the deep connection that she and her lover had shared, that Kunzite was dead. This last revelation hit her like a ton of bricks and she started to cry. Not quiet little whimpers, but deep, throat-wrenching sobs that bent her double and made her crawl like a beast. But she managed to pull herself together when she heard footsteps echoing down the hall.
" Hey, Eddie? Hurry it up, man. Visiting hours are over. Eddie?"
When Buck got no answer, he stepped into the room. Eddie's surprised-looking corpse stared at him from his spot on the lever. Buck was just about to scream when he felt a sharp object pierce his knee. He collapsed onto his back and felt a weight clamber onto his chest. Jane Doe was kneeling on his chest with a scalpel in her hand, staring at him with murderous rage in her lovely green eyes.
" Whoa, man…"
" Where's Beryl?"
" Beryl? I don't know any Beryl! Oh, shit, my knee, man…"
The rational part of Zoicite's brain, a quiet little wimp that rarely made itself known, told her that this guy was human and of course he didn't know who Beryl was. Then it presented her with a memory from her subconscious that reignited her rage. The cold glint that came into her eyes scared Buck shitless. He punctuated her calmly stated sentence with little whines.
" So, I hear your name's Buck. And I do believe you like to fuck."
Buck moaned something like Oh God as Zoicite sank her scalpel into his neck, screaming "Fucking Perv BASTARD!!" as she struggled to get it in deeper. Even after he was obviously dead, she stabbed him a few more times for good measure. Exhausted, she pulled herself off of him and started going through his pockets. She pulled out money, a packet of chewing gum, and her mind cheered silently when her hand closed around a set of keys. Pulling them out, she took a look at the foam rubber keyring, obviously custom made. PUSSY WAGON was written in cheerfully gaudy letters.
" Pussy Wagon. Right." she scoffed scornfully. She didn't mourn for the way she had been treated over the last four years by him. There was no point. Her emotions were all channelled into her thoughts about the bigger fish she had to fry.
Moments later, a young lady with blonde curls and a fiercely determined look on her face came speeding out of the intensive care unit in a wheelchair. No-one saw her leave, and for months a national search would be carried out to look for her, believing that someone had broken in, killed the two men and kidnapped Jane Doe.
Sailormoon and all its characters belong to whats-her-name. Kill Bill, Vincent Vega and Maurice all belong to Quentin Tarantino. If this seems like a rip-off, Tarantino himself calls it an Homage.