Genres:Humour, mild sexual
Ships:Snape / McGonagall
Time:The trio's 2nd year (1992/1993)
Language:Quite mild... Nothing you wouldn't hear at school, anyway. Oh... well, that doesn't leave much. Okay, not quite so mild! O.o
Sex / nudity:Once but that may turn out to be fairly graphic. Also references when Prof. M is explaining.
Other:Um, the facts of life are included. But that goes under Sex / nudity, doesn't it?
L- Hello. Amy thought of this title (She randomly said it) while sitting in a jacuzzi.
A- No I didn't! Well... yes, I did, but I didn't mean it in a dodgy way. Anyway, I got it from 'Love, Actually', one of our favourite films.
L- Well the actual storyline doesn't relate to 'Love, Actually' at all.
A- Except Alan Rickman is in it! Go watch it! Watch it now, it's hilarious! (I would like to add now that one of the reasons I read somewhere for 'when you know you're too obsessed with hp...' was that you went to see Love, Actually because there was a hp actor in it... Okay, I'm guilty!!)Yeah, anyway, watch it!
A- ...Yes. Now let's get on with the actual fic!
"Aaargh!" Professor McGonagall heard the strangled cry of rage from outside her office and sighed. She waved her wand at the door, revealing a very pissed off looking Professor Snape.
"Minerva!" he yelled. "This really is the last straw! Potter - has - got - to - go!"
"Calm down, Severus! What has he done this time?"
"He attacked me! With a rubber haddock!"Weren't the fake wands in book 4? L- Yes, probably. Oh well.)
"Have a biscuit, Severus."
"I DON'T WANT A BLOODY BISCUIT, I WANT POTTER EXPELLED!!" He shot a few silver sparks from the end of his wand as he screamed.
"Um... maybe some wine?" suggested McGonagall. Snape considered this for a moment.
"Now, that I'll have!" he accepted the glass his colleague poured him and settled himself stiffly in a chair opposite her.
Two hours later, Professor McGonagall had had two glasses of wine. As for Snape, however, she had lost count. All she knew was that there were three empty bottles on her desk. She actually found it almost... cute how drunk he was. Actually, how drunk was he, she wondered?
"No need for that muggle breathalyser rubbish..." she muttered to herself. "Severus? What do you think about... Potter?"
"Oh, he's a good boy really. And he has really cool... glasses!"
(L- Well, that speaks for itself. Not very slurred, though, Aims. A- I can't do slurred speech, okay? I tried and it was really bad, so I deleted it. L- Well, you know I couldn't either, so don't worry about it! J )
"Right..." Professor McGonagall raised one eyebrow, as she watched Snape slowly slide off his chair and land with a thud on the floor.
"Hey, Minnie... can I call you Minnie?" he asked.
"Yes, Severus. If you must. Uh, I'd better get you to a bathroom before you... Too late. Severus! These are my best robes!" she chided him. She quickly dragged him to the staff bathroom. After running the bath, she instructed the drunken potions master to get into it.
"But I'll get wet!" exclaimed Snape in horror.
"Yes, Severus, that is the general idea."
"But what about my robes?"
"Most people take them off, Severus. Would you like me to help you?" she said sweetly, as if he was three years old.
"Okay, Minnie" Professor McGonagall sighed. This was going to be a long night...
The staff bathroom was, in fact, a lot like the prefect bathroom. There was a lot of marble and gold, and the bath was swimming-pool sized, with several taps. Severus seemed to be enjoying playing with a tap which gave out bubble bath shaped like little multicoloured eggs.
"Look, Minnie, eggs! Hey, mini eggs, I love mini eggs! They're scrumptious and galumptious and clumptious and plumptious and..."
"...And what are mini eggs, Severus?" asked McGonagall, humouring him.
"Oh, oh! They're my favouritest muggle sweet! They're little mini... eggs! And they're eggs! And they're mini! And they're mini... eggs! Made of chocolate! They look just like these! Mini! Eggs! Eggs mini! I like mini eggs!"
"So I gathered" said Professor McGonagall dryly, sponging Severus' vomit from the front of her robes.
"Drat!" she muttered. "This won't come off! It looks like I'll have to join Severus bathing tonight..." the idea struck her that that might not be too much of a bad thing... she began to undress, but just as she was placing one foot into the steaming water, the door clicked open. She whipped her head around and saw Gilderoy Lockhart standing in the doorway. She quickly waved her wand and the door slammed shut in his face. She was most definitely not one of the women charmed by his 'award-winning' smile. As he walked off, he muttered to himself "well, it's not like I wanted to join in anyway..."
Professor McGonagall raised her eyebrows and sighed deeply. She dunked her toes into the water again, only to have Snape grope at her ankle and yank- it was amazing how much strength was in those bony arms. McGonagall went flying, splashing straight down under the water. She pulled herself back up again furiously, her long dark hair shining.
"Severus!" She spluttered, then started giggling. It was probably down to the fact Snape was oblivious to her anger and singing, "He'd say I know what I want, and I want it now, I want you, cause I'm Mr. Snape…" on his back.
Suddenly, the door was slung open yet again. Only it wasn't Lockhart come back to gawp (or try something much, much worse) it was Percy Weasley.
"Oh, I- sorry Professors!" he stammered, blushing a boiling bright red as Minerva sank further down into the water and Snape stared blankly. "I just- The prefect's bathroom is flooded again, Professors, Peeves- I- well I just- I- should I go now?" Professor McGonagall nodded, her mouth open.
"Right," said Percy as dignified as he could, then tripped over McGonagall's robes as he was leaving.
"Well," said McGonagall, clearing her throat. "Let's get you cleaned up, then Severus."
"Nope," said Snape, slashing as he plunged further away from her. He turned around, watching the bubbles float overhead. "Minnie!" He yelled excitedly. "It's the mini eggs again!"
"Severus, those… 'mini eggs' never disappeared," McGonagall sighed impatiently.
"Hey, do you know what they taste like, Minnie?" Snape replied, ignoring what she was saying.
"Um… they're scrumptious and galumptious and… thumptious?" Professor McGonagall looked warily at the hungry gleam in his eyes. She reached out an arm to him then stopped. After all, nothing could stop Snape when he wanted something.
"Well, I can't imagine soap bubbles taste that nice."
"They weren't soap bubbles, Minnie eggs, they were mini eggs… mini…"
McGonagall was now having to wash Snape's mouth out. It seemed it was going to be some time before she got to do what no man- or woman- had done before… she, Professor Minerva McGonagall, was going to wash that hair.
She pulled him put from under the tap and smirked. "Now, we're going to sort that hair out," she said sweetly, trying to get his back to her. Snape's eyes widened in horror.
"Hair?!" You mean… your hair?"
"No!" McGonagall shouted. "What's your implication, Severus? What's wrong with my hair?"
Snape reached out for her hand and ran his long finger through it. "You've got pretty hair," he replied, not exactly an answer but it satisfied McGonagall all the same. Even if it was in a complete slur that couldn't be taken that seriously.
Oh. Why thank you, but you've forgotten we're talking about your hair, Severus," and with that McGonagall grabbed Snape and pulled his head back far enough to soak it.
"Nooooooooooooooo!" Snape shieked like a small child robbed of its favourite toy. "Get off, get off, get off, get off, get off…" McGonagall hung on, and soon the victimised Potions master found his hair sweet smelling and lathered in bubbles. He scowled at her moodily, and pulling away, dunked under water. He surfaced again, his hair in a wet tangle. He scowled again. "I'm wet."
"And you look much better," McGonagall replied, raising an eyebrow. "Don't you want to attract any women in your lifetime?" Snape snorted in reply. Then he took a lock of her hair again. "You look better with your hair down."
"Yes well, I don't think it's suitable while teaching."
"It's suitable now though… Minerva…"
"Severus… I- what- what are you doing?"
(L- Oh help. Not the almighty sex scene! A- Squeamish people, hide, god knows what this is going to be like.)
Whatever Severus was doing, Minerva had to admit she was enjoying it. Even though it was much less suitable than her having her hair down when working.
(A- That's it? L- Yes. I have faith in the reader's imagination! A-… You're crap at this. L- Hey, you wanna have a go? A- *backs away*)
"...this fine day! Next we have the Weird Sisters, with their latest hit-"
Severus Snape's radio alarm clock went flying across the room, landing hard against the wall.
"I hate that song."
Snape raised a finger to his temples and grimaced. Where the hell had the ultimate hangover sprung from? He pondered about last night, but everything was vague- then he remembered a detail of it:
"Have a biscuit, Severus."
"I DON'T WANT A BLOODY BISCUIT, I WANT POTTER EXPELLED!!"
"Um... maybe some wine?"
Snape stared blankly ahead, recollecting as much as could about last night… then he screamed loudly.
"…OH MY GOD, MINERVA SAW ME AS A DRUNKEN IDIOT!!"
Meanwhile, Professor McGonagall was a lot more cheery. She sat beside Dumbledore at the Staff Table, giving small smiles at the students staring open-mouthedly at her loose long hair. She changed to a venomous look when she found Lockhart winking at her openly, and turned her head right around in the opposite direction when he held up a sheet of paper that said in his fancy handwriting: 'Remember, I'm five-times winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award!'
Professor Snape, long term loser of the Most Charming Smile Award, was still missing in the other seat beside her. She began to feel worried. What if he was deliberately avoiding her? After all, he'd been very drunk. It seemed very likely to her now that Severus didn't feel the same way and he was hiding, not wanting to see her after last night's events. She put her spoon down in her porridge bowl and slumped sideways, waiting for the first lesson to begin so she could take a healthy number of points from Slytherin.
Professor Snape had been in an awful mood when he finally emerged from his room for the first lesson. He'd taken 50 points from Gryffindor when Harry dropped one of his lacewings on the floor, and he's maliciously told Hermione she wasn't putting in enough crushed beetles so she'd have the potion wrong when it was finished. With Ron, he'd announced that he'd be taking 10 points for each time he said "bloody hell," resulting in Gryffindor losing a further 300 points. As if that wasn't enough, Snape threw Neville out the window with a well-placed charm only fifteen minutes into the lesson.
(A- since when have there been windows in the dungeons, Lauren? L- uh… okay, Snape made a window using Neville! A- ouch! 0.o)
In Professor McGonagall's lesson, things weren't much better, except with the absence of people flying through windows. She did however threaten to transfigure anyone else who wanted to comment on her hair being back into a bun, which didn't deter Colin Creevey.
"Um, Professor, could you… could you just look at the camera one second?"
To cut things short, Colin Creevey eventually ended up as a pineapple.
…AND HAGRID ATE HIM FOR BREAKFAST!
(A- Okay, Lauren, let's, uh, end chapter one now. L- Damn, I was enjoying myself… A- And as random as that last sentence was, it is now stricken from the record! L- Awww… A- Colin Creevey's too cute to be eaten XP)
So, what do you think? Should we continue with this or not? Please review, we took the time to write it, we're sure you can spare 5 seconds of your eternally busy lives... ^_^ PS, don't flame - it's naughty to play with fire! XX -Amy