What Better Use for Your Millennium Item?

Disclaimer: I don't own YuGiOh; I don't own any deliberate or accidental references in the future; this applies to all chapters.

Warning: This is an OOC and INSANE fic that grows increasingly strange after the first chapter. PLEASE understand the DESPERATE INSANITY and don't read this unless you can deal with it.

Dedications: To all who read "Joey, Seto's puppy", and were very nice and encouraging! After the generally positive feedback, I decided to post this.

An especially big thanks goes out to Female-Yami/Yugi! Your review made me think of you as a sort of bodyguard. Or, if you've seen Lord of the Rings, my gardener. If you haven't seen Lord of the Rings, you probably think I'm insane right about now. You'd be right.

Important notes: Yami Marik will not be in this fic. He complicates things – Marik will have to be awesome enough for both of them.

Italics are images from the Millennium Necklace; the visions of the future can (and will be) changed depending on her actions.

Chapter 1

She'd accomplished her goals. Ishizu had helped the Pharaoh save the world.

Her brother was free as well. His evil Yami had been banished to the Shadow Realm, and Ryou Bakura recalled. Odion was recovering well, and the three of them had moved back into the Ishtar mansion, with frequent visits from Shadi. Yami had won Battle City, Seto Kaiba had at least accepted it, all their friends were happily at home, and the world could breath in peace once again. There were no tidal waves, no exploding volcanos, no major earthquakes looming, and the greenhouse effect wouldn't be a problem for at least a couple hundred years.

How boring.

Yami checked on the Egyptian God cards for the thousandth time as his hikari watched in amusement. Yugi said something that caused Yami to smile and blush. To hide the red tinge appearing in his cheek, Yami bent again over the cards, seeing nothing out of the ordinary. Yugi watched him, a small smile curving his lips, which he quickly hid when Yami straightened to face him.

"Everything's fine, hikari," Yami said, smiling. "The world is still safe."

"SOMEBODY START A WAR!" Ishizu screeched, throwing the Millennium Necklace across the room. And because of Shadi's random habit of materializing, it hit him.

"Ah!" he cried, grasping what Ishizu imagined to be a rather sensitive area.

"Sorry, Shadi," she said grumpily, sounding like the complete opposite. Why was she so moody, anyway? Shouldn't she be glad the world was safe? Come to think of it, she'd spent most of her life fighting for it. Or at least fighting. Even at a young age, she'd been sneaking Marik into the market. Then she'd been constantly running from one place to another when his yami came out. She just wasn't equipped to deal with normality, that was all.

She ignored Shadi, who limped over to the couch, and Odion, who was standing in the doorway, shoulders shaking with laughter. "Hello, Shadi," Odion said with a grin. "I'll welcome you, since it seems Ishizu didn't do such a great job." Shadi simply scowled at him and turned to Ishizu.

"Ishizu, what's wrong? You rarely lose your temper."

Yami and Yugi had said the world was okay, just peachy, dandy, surviving. Of course, she rather thought they could say that without all the hidden sexual tension…

"Ishizu?" Odion inquired at her silence.

You know, sexual tension was really a problem. It could cause the Pharaoh undue stress. And then who would protect the God Cards?

"Ishizu, are you okay?" Shadi asked worriedly.

Yami was going to doom the world by not getting Yugi into bed! She couldn't let that happen!

"Ishizu! Answer me!" Odion snapped his fingers.

She had to save the world! She had to help the Pharaoh! She had to get him laid!

"Ishizu! Ishizu, you're scaring me. Answer me!" Shadi's eyes were wide with confusion.

And it wasn't just getting Yugi into bed. Yami and Yugi should be together all their lives. They were obviously in love. It would be hard. It would take a long time. She had a goal!

Odion and Shadi exchanged helpless glances. "Ishizu!" Odion urged again.

Now that she thought of it, all her friends seemed to have that problem. Well, the insecure ones, anyway. She could help them! She needed to help them! They needed her! She'd save them all by playing that time-honored role of matchmaker!

"Ishizu?" Shadi asked in concern, walking up to where she was sitting on the couch.

She jumped up happily, intending to rush out the door and get started right away. This proved to be an ill idea, as Shadi was standing there. Normally, he was taller than her and she would hit his jaw with her head. However, he was bending over to try and see her face.

So when she hit Shadi, it was in the face. With her breasts.

When they came in contact with his face, they both froze. They were so close, she actually felt him take a deep breath and knew that both of them were cursing Ra for her extremely low top. She'd been hot this morning! She certainly hadn't planned on this to happen.

Shadi suddenly regained his senses and leapt back, opening and closing his mouth frantically; quite unusual for the stoic man. Odion stared back and forth between them, trying to look shocked but close to laughter again. And Ishizu thought she handled the extremely embarrassing situation very well.

She shrieked and ran out the door.

"Odion?" Marik asked, poking his head through the door. He instantly regretted it. It wasn't often that he looked into the sitting room and found his friend and mentor patting the ever-mysterious but rarely-bright-red Shadi on the back, shoulders silently shaking with mirth. "What the hell?"

Shadi put a hand to his face, then immediately yanked it away, waving it as if it had been burned. Odion looked up at his adopted brother and winked. "Ishizu looked… troubled. So dear Shadi here decided to help her out."

"Odion!" Shadi said, grimacing.

"Shadi has a new friend," Odion said, suppressing another grin. "Two new friends."

Shadi gave him a small shove, very out of character for the Egyptian. Perhaps it was the stress. "Who knew you were such a pervert?"

Odion turned to Marik again. "He was leaning over as she jumped up, and… well…"

"Her chest hit Shadi in the face," Marik supplied, grinning. "What'd you do?" He directed the question at Shadi. The boy leaned forward on the couch eagerly, looking like one of those eighty-year old ladies who sit around playing bingo and gossiping.


Marik let out a hoot and flopped back. "Perfect, Shadi, perfect," he said, grinning.

As Shadi let out a stream of muttered Egyptian curses, and Odion tried to convince him that he constantly beat up guys who wanted to do just that with Ishizu, Marik let his mind wander. Pretty wedding music played. He was in a white tuxedo. A ten- no, twenty- no, thirty-layer cake stood proudly in the middle of the room with yummy vanilla icing. No, he wasn't getting married. He was the best man. The happy couple: his sister and Shadi. (Why the hell was Shadi wearing a turban to his wedding?) Hmmm… maybe it was time to play a little game called 'matchmaker.'

And if they did get married, he'd get to eat cake!

"Help!" Ishizu shrieked.

"Ishizu, what's wrong?" Téa asked, alarmed. She stepped back to let Ishizu into the house. They walked into the living room, where Yugi, Yami, and Joey were lounging on the floor, and the girls slumped on the couch.

"I am so stupid," she moaned. She let her fingers travel to the Millennium Necklace, which had found its way back to her sometime during her sprint over to Téa's. "Why does this thing insist on giving me selected visions? Why can't it warn me when I'm getting dressed that wearing a tank top isn't a good idea?"

"Whoa," Yugi said, amused, "back up a little there."

Omitting the part where she was distracted while planning to get Yugi and Yami to bed together, she explained. "I hit Shadi in the… um, I hit him with my Millennium Necklace by accident. Then… I don't know, I jumped up, and I sort of smacked him. In the face. With my chest."

They stared at her. "Oh, no," Téa said, putting a hand to her mouth. "What did Shadi say?"

" 'Hit me again?' " Joey joked, earning himself a smack on the head from Téa. "Ow. Sorry."

"Joey!" Ishizu wailed. "It isn't funny! I- he- my- I can't- he's going- my life is over!" she finished dramatically.

"What?" Yami asked, instantly on the alert. Before, he'd been too busy staring at his hikari to notice anything. But the words 'life is over' brought him snapping back to reality. "Wherever there's danger, I duel!"

"Can it, Pharaoh," Ishizu snapped, too annoyed to be indulgent. "You and your stupid hidden sexual tens-"

Yami munched on popcorn peacefully. He was supposed to be watching the movie. But he'd found that if he tilted his head about 15 degrees to the side and moved it over about a foot, he could see Yugi's reflection in the TV screen. Sure, Yugi had asked what he was doing. And he probably hadn't believed Yami when he said that in Ancient Egypt, everyone watched their TV this way. Apparently his hikari actually paid attention in history class. Wasn't that the sweetest thing ever?

Yugi thought Yami was acting weird, but he wasn't about to complain. When Yami held his head like that, he could see his reflection in the TV screen. He looked awfully absorbed in the movie, too. Yugi let out a soft sigh as he stared dreamily.

And as the two pined away for each other, Godzilla rampaged around the screen.

"Are you okay, Ishizu?" Téa asked anxiously.

"Hmmm? Oh, right! I'm fine!" She gave Téa a bright smile.

"You just kind of trailed away in the middle of your sentence," Joey said, eyeing her. "And then you acted all spaced out. Did you get one of them visions?"

She stalled. Then, when she still couldn't think of an answer, she completely changed the subject. "So what's everyone doing tonight?"

"Baking cookies!" Téa said cheerfully. "My mom and I decided to indulge tonight. Sugar, chocolate chip, and this new recipe we found for mint."

"I didn't have any real plans," Joey said, looking at Téa with interest, "maybe I'll stop by here…"

"My cookies!" she said, laughing. "You'll eat them all." He gave her a pleading look. "Oh, come on over. And bring Serenity! Do you guys want to come over tonight too?" she asked Yami and Yugi.

"Well, we were going to have a movie night," Yugi said apologetically. "But if everyone's going to be here…"

"No!" Ishizu interrupted. They all turned to look at her, and she frantically searched her mind. "Having a movie night is important. It's a chance for you guys to bond. To be alone together." They kept on staring at her blankly. "Um, and don't forget a nice dinner," she added desperately. "Godzilla is the kind of movie you want to watch with something- and someone- special. Not just plain old popcorn. Get, like, spaghetti. And meatballs. Yami, you cook."

"How did you know we were going to be watching Godzilla?" Yugi asked curiously. She blinked rapidly.

"Um… it's a classic?"

"Oh, I get it!" Yami said suddenly. "This is what you saw in the Millennium Necklace, wasn't it? That Yugi and I would watch Godzilla together?"

"Yes," she nodded emphatically. Technically, it wasn't lying. Yet. "And you're going to cook a fabulous dinner, Yami." Now that was a lie. She was making it up as she went along. "Like I said, spaghetti. The best Yugi's ever tasted. With… with your special sauce."

Yami suddenly looked very, very nervous. But that disappeared quickly when Yugi flung his arms around him: "Oh, Yami! Thank you so much! I can't wait to eat dinner tonight!"

Ishizu watched in satisfaction. Her work here was progressing nicely. So far, her plans seemed to be a success.

Until, of course, she thought about Yami cooking.

Notes: Joey looking at Téa with interest refers to her cooking. This fic is Joey/Seto all the way! Téa won't be paired up with anyone, even though I do like her. She'll just be the voice of reason. (God knows they need it) And the good cook.

Reviews are welcomed and cuddled! (Flames are played with…)

Next chapter: They bake – and eat – cookies! Ishizu decides to pair up even more of her friends, and things get messy. Literally.