A/N: As the title says this will consist of diary entries. I don't know exactly how many chapters there will be, but definitely more than just this one, I'm sure it'll be much more interesting when I throw other people's point of view in it as well And while I'm at it, the rating will most likely go up when we get a bit further into things, just so you know. I won't reveal who's writing it, but it should be pretty obvious. If not, there's a name at the bottom

I do not own BeyBlade!

Please do read and review!

Dear Diary – Confusion vs. Self-pity

Dear Diary,

No wait, I did not just write that. God, I'm really turning into a girl; blame Mariah. I'll just start again.

Hey yo, what's up?

No, that's not good either, makes me sound so cheerful and happy, which I'm really not. Not at all and definitely not all the time. Guess I'll have to try again.

Hmm, this is hard. Can't think of anything good to write. … Oh well, I'll just go with what I've got and then explain later. As you can tell, Diary (See, I'm really going nuts here, I'm referring to you as a real person) things aren't exactly working out for me. I can't even seem to get this writing thing right. I mean, I can write, writing is not, and should not be a problem, which it isn't, it's just …

You see how much sense I'm making here? Absolutely none. And it's not even Mariah I'm going to bitch over. Yeah, she's doing my nerves, as usual, and I'd love to kill her slowly and painfully, but she's not the main cause of my, well, whatever it is. I think I'm just down, blue, depressed, you get it, but the thing is I know I shouldn't be. There's nothing to be all worked up over, and I even went as far as yelling at Mr. D on the phone. And before you say it; no, I'm not exactly proud of that, so I don't want your opinion, thanks! And now I'm totally off track. Maybe it would be better if I just started from the beginning.

Hey Kon, that's the one good idea you've had today.

So, the beginning. Well, it started exactly two weeks and a day ago. I was a different person, my life was great and I didn't have a worry in the world. … Well, maybe I had, but compared to now I won't even mention it. I don't really know if I'm glad about it or if I should hate someone for it. It was nice and good and all that, but it was also great before, just different. It wasn't like it is now, but I still loved it, and now, after, I love it even more, but I don't know how things are going to be or what I'm supposed to do.

Confused?

Me too. I'm really good at making absolutely no sense. That's me for you. See yourself warned. And to make it even better, I'm starting to sound just like Mariah when she's complaining about me not caring about her, and …

Sorry, off track again. Back to the story.

Monday night, Kai's room.

He was doing something on his laptop, updating Dranzer maybe, probably, I think, and I was lying on his bed, bored out of this world and watching him. Don't get me wrong, I don't think Kai's boring, I was just bored and I happened to be in the same place as him, that's all. Cause you see, I love Kai. Kai is my brother in all matters and he's always there for me in his own roundabout, backwards sort of way. If I had to pick out one of the guys as my favorite, as cheesy as it is, it'd be him. That's the way I love him, and the idea of loving him in other ways, like, well, a, you know… lover never came to my mind.

Before that night, that is.

What happened was that he got up, closed his laptop, and tumbled down next to me. We started talking, at least I did, and things were great, we had a good time in this special way we always do. As I said, he is my favorite of our little group.

Somewhere along the conversation, though, something happened. He suddenly fell silent, more so than normally, and then he turned his bright, glowing eyes in my direction. I would usually never, never describe his eyes, or anyone else's for that matter, like that, but that's exactly how they were, crimson red and on fire. It seemed he saw everything inside of me, and it didn't exactly feel bad.

He didn't break the spell he'd created, not even when he asked me about my feelings and this so-called girlfriend of mine, Mariah, something I always try not to talk too much about. But I was spellbound and I had to tell him the truth, he demanded it, so I just shook my head, no; I didn't feel anything for her, nothing beside what one would feel for one's mostly annoying younger sister. And I sure didn't feel anything else about her, not with him looking at me like that.

He smiled at that, pulling me deeper into his spell.

I know that smile. It's a smile the public never sees. It's wicked and strange, and not at all Kai, but still so much Kai that I wouldn't be able to describe him properly without mentioning it. I can't really explain it, though, but I know what it means. It means that maybe he's kidding and playing you for a fool, or he's deadly serious, but you won't know until it's too late to pull away.

I can never tell.

His smile grew wider as he said that he was glad, and that he had always known he was the only one for me.

I tensed up, fearing what was to come, but he started laughing, a real laugh, and he laughed all the tension away. I was relieved. I knew he had only been kidding. Or at least, I thought I knew.

We were normal for at couple of minutes, and then he got all strange again, suggesting a bet. If he could kiss me, without me trying to prevent it, I'd win a massage. It sounds stupid, yeah, I know, but with those hands of his, I'm telling you, he gives the best massages ever, so I didn't even think twice before agreeing.

No wait, I'm not telling you the truth here. I did think twice, just not about the massage, more about the shocking fact that he wanted to kiss me. Kai wanted to kiss ME?!?!?! But I am who I am and I'm cool, so I said, yeah, sure, and pretended it was nothing even though the room was spinning, my blood was racing, and my head was suddenly very, very light.

He leaned over and kissed me.

Kai leaned over and kissed me, and not just a quick embarrassing peck on the cheek or something, but a full kiss on the lips with tongue and everything. He even moaned a bit into my mouth, which set me off gasping for air.

If the world had been spinning around before, it was nothing compared to what it was doing right then. I was dizzy and giddy and felt like I could fly. I loved it, his tongue, his lips, his face, and of course his hands. I can't even begin to describe all the wonderful things his hands did to me.

We made out for a while, but of course we were interrupted by Tyson who came knocking. I panicked, hurried up, lost the moment, and left as Tyson entered the room. I'm not even going to think about my pink, swollen lips, my totally messed up hair, or what in the world Tyson was even doing in Kai's room in the first place.

I didn't sleep at all that night. Memories of Kai, his eyes and his hands kept haunting me until I thought I was going to go insane. I love Kai, I do, but I'm not in love with him, not yet and I might not ever be. But I could let myself fall for him, if I wanted to. Right now I don't. Right now I'm scared, because I don't know what to do or what to think; it's killing me! The whole idea of seeing Kai like this is so new; I don't know what to do with myself!

The reason I'm scared is that, despite what the public thinks, how much Kai's changed, he still does know how to take advantage of people and situations; I'd even say he's better than before because he finally knows what really triggers a human mind. And that's just it; I don't want to be a toy to him, I don't want him to break my heart, so of course, I'm careful.

As you can probably tell this whole situation bothers me to no end.

But it gets even better yet.

After our Monday night, a whole week passed by and nothing happened. For an entire week Kai ignored me. Or maybe ignoring isn't the right word, he just had as little to do with me as possible, even while training. But wait a minute, that is ignoring, isn't it? Doesn't matter anyway, cause I was going crazy, yelling at everybody and bitching over every little detail, because I was confused. At night I couldn't sleep, so I tossed and turned and thought about the strangest things. What it would really be like if he cared and we were in a relationship, but also what would happen if he should turn out to hate me or despise me, I wouldn't know what to do then, frankly. And there was always this place in my head where I thought I'd lost him forever.

Yeah, I know what it sounds like, soap opera Hollywood, here I come, but that's really what it felt like, and it wasn't nice by any stretch of the word or the imagination. I'm such a sap.

My point here is I hadn't lost him. The week passed by slowly, but eventually Monday came by again and so did Monday night. I was still sad, but coming to terms with the fact that I probably didn't have a best friend any longer and that he definitely didn't want me as a lover either.

Then he asked me for some help with some technical details about Dranzer, as if I know anything about any technical details, and we ended up in his bed, again. Just like the week before.

That left me even more confused, let me just tell you that, but I thought to myself, that, well, okay, we were together, but only on Monday nights.

Cool, I could do that, and I wouldn't fall for him, I decided.

I wanted to talk to him about all of this, so I waited for Monday night to come by again so I could do just that. Trouble is, Monday night was two nights ago. It's Wednesday today, and he hasn't turned in my direction even once since last week.

I'm confused again. I don't know what to do. I just thought I knew what was going on, but now it seems I didn't really at all. To make it even worse, I can't even hate him for it. I thought I could decide whether or not I wanted to fall for him, but turns out, I can't. What a fool I was for even believing that I could in the first place. I don't feel like admitting this, but I'm falling, and I'm falling really, really hard, it's too late to stop now.

And what is this all for? I don't know, and I'm not even sure Kai does either.

Yours truly

Rei Kon