Part four: Harry

I'm in the Great Hall for lunch. The conversations wash over me like a wave; drowning me in words. I can't speak. Don't want to. I'm just sitting here staring at my plate; not touching my food.  My stomach protests to my lack of nourishment, but I don't care.

Hunger keeps me alert.

But why do I need to be alert? Voldemort is dead. I know. I killed him.

It's like this nagging voice in my head urging me on to keep my head clear. To always remain watchful. Sleep with one eye open. Don't trust anyone.

Constant vigilance.

Perhaps I should get myself a magical eye and get it over with.

How can all these people resume their normal lives as if nothing has happened? How can anyone smile after so much bloodshed, so much death? And then they say I'm numb inside!

You all make me sick!

You really do.

I run out the Great Hall towards the first bathroom in sight and retch like my life depends on it. Fuck, this hurts! The acid of my stomach scorches my throat and my eyes sting with surfacing tears due to the lack of oxygen.

Thank God; it's stopping.

I let myself sink to the floor and try to catch my breath. How can I possibly throw up like this when I hardly eat anything?

I scramble myself off the floor and make my way towards a sink to clean myself up. I briefly glance at the mirror to see my reflection. I'm an utter mess. 


I look like I feel.

No more hero-destined-to-save-the-world-who's-stuck-in-scrawny-innocent-looking-fifteen-year-old-boy.

No, now I'm utter mess who looks like utter mess.

A sound draws my attention to the door, but I look away again almost instantly as I see who is there.

Shit Draco, you shouldn't be here! Go away. Don't look at me. Don't let your eyes get tainted by the sight of me.

My body trembles as I feel you closing in on me.

Don't touch me...

Please don't...

You're standing in front of me now. I can feel your hand cupping my chin to lift my head up.


You're looking at me and I'm looking at you. You're so fucking close it hurts. My other half. The half that's lacking.

So close.

I can't.

I want.

I shouldn't.


I close the distance between us and softly kiss you. All thoughts of right and wrong escape my mind once my lips make contact with yours. This is how it's supposed to be. Me and you. Together. Creating a whole.

I need to feel you; touch you. Make it go away, Draco. I want to feel! I want to feel joy for killing Voldemort! I want to feel happy like everyone else does. Please touch me!

I reach up to unbutton your shirt, but your hands grasp my wrists to stop me.


I look at you pleadingly and receive a determined look in return, together with .... pity? Is it pity you feel?

You should pity me. Just look at me!

I'm an empty vessel.

I try to struggle away from your grip. I need to feel you. I need to feel whole!

But you won't let me.

I try to kiss you, but you won't let me.

I try to feel your skin, but you won't let me.

Why can't you let me be whole, Draco? Why?!?

I start punching you in the chest out of sheer agony, but you won't stop me. You don't fight back. Why don't you hit me, slap me, punch me? Curse me into the seventh ring of Hell!

Hurt me!

Like I hurt you!

My punches seas. My body is too weak. My mind too deadened.

You pull me into a tight embrace and hold me close to you. I do not return it. I can't. I'm dangling into your arms like a rag doll.

"I love you, Harry" I hear you whisper.




You can't love me, Draco. Love kills. You can't love me!

Please tell me you're lying to me. Please! Please Draco.

I can feel your hand caressing my hair.

My body is visibly shaking. I'd buckle through my knees to the floor, but you're arms steady me. I'm holding on to you for dear life.

I can't loose you!

Not another one.

Not you. 


Not you.

Tears are escaping my eyes and silently run down my cheeks. I'm trembling violently. My body is breaking down.

Or is it my mind that is breaking down?

I bury my face in your neck and start sobbing. I weep for everything that I haven't wept for. I weep for everyone and everything I've lost. I've lost my family and I've lost friends.

And I've even lost myself.

I'm crying my heart out to you; spilling my tears out over your robe as you hold me close to you. 

The thought of losing you is so painful I can't stand it! There's a painful knot in my chest. It hurts. I fucking physically hurts!


And that's when I know.

You are my heart.

You are the illusive Golden Snitch I've been searching for.

Hold me.

Just hold me.

We sink to the floor as you continue to hold me in your arms; where I belong.

In the light.

Together, with you.

The Golden Snitch that is my heart.