Title: Remus Loses His Virginity
Author: Vixenette
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I own nothing but my Hugh Jackman cut-outs posted on the dashboard of my car. Yes, I'm serious. :D
Archived: Eh, everywhere worth posting it to. At Midnight Musings as well. Kind of old - forgot to post it here until just now.
Notes: This was written for the Livejournal Community "SBRL_glovesmack" - the challenge was: Puppy A is a prostitute, and his friends don't know. Puppy B is convinced by the other marauders to visit a brothel. Puppy A works there. This is unbetaed so I apologize profusely for all mistakes. THIS IS A PARODY FIC. I would die if I wrote something this seriously and expected to pass it off for good fiction. Just...no. LMAO.

Ropes and a chair greeted Remus as he walked into James' house. Lily and Harry, of course, were nowhere to be seen. They never were when activities involving the Marauders were around.

Instead, he found himself staring at James, Sirius, and Peter. They closed in on him and tied him to the chair in a fit of tangled rope and sharp elbows.

"What's this about," Remus demanded angrily, and his friends gasped. Remus wasn't the type to be so forward with his wolf side (since his human side didn't feel things like anger and hostility).

James bent down in front of Remus and smiled. "Well, Moony, we've made a decision for you."


Peter leaned forward and held out a bag. "This is thirty galleons. It's for you."

"I don't need your charity," Remus said meekly. "I'm just fine. I don't really sleep in the streets. I'm actually staying with some extremely rich relatives of mine. Really, I don't need-"

"It's not for charity," Sirius interrupted. He looked suspiciously pleased about something. "We've decided that it's time for you to lose your virginity."

Remus blushed, because that's what shy people were known to do at times. "I'm not-I don't need-I mean-"

"Come on, Remus," pleaded Sirius. "We gathered all this money just for you. It'll make us happy."


"And you know you'll do anything for us," continued Sirius. "Even shed the shy werewolf persona and go shag your brains out at a brothel." He leaned forward and grinned. "Even become Out-Of-Character for your friends."

Remus slumped. It was true. He would streak through the Death Eaters' hideout completely starkers for his friends. "I'm fine living how I've-"

"Moony, you have to go," James pleaded.

"B-but," Remus stammered, because that's also what shy people do, "I don't want to go. I'm comfortable being a virgin forever!"

Sirius shook his head. "No, Moony. You've been virginal long enough. As much as the stereotype has fed thousands of hungry little fangirls' writing fingers, I think it's time that you become a man."

"But I'm not a man! I'm a werewolf!"

"Aww, look! He's blushing," Peter said with a grin. "That's so cute!"

"It is," Sirius agreed. He pinched Remus' cheeks. "Ickle werewolf is going to gwow up today. Would you wike to say any words, ickle werewolf?"

Remus struggled against his bonds. His friends had clearly turned into raging nutters. "I don't want to go!" He was shrieking, but he didn't care. "I can't go! I can't!! I'll lose all credibility I have with the younger kids!"

His three friends laughed.

Remus did something that they had seen many, many times. He started crying.

"Why do you want me to go so badly?" he wailed.

James looked appalled at the tears, but he answered, "Because we're your friends. We can't let you die a virgin."

"And because sex is fun," said Sirius the Promiscuous One.

Peter looked torn between jealousy and rage. But since they were his friends, they didn't notice. They thought Peter was annoying but extremely loyal, even though he often acted strangely hostile at times. "At least we agree that you're shaggable."

Remus didn't, of course, notice the anger. Instead, he pouted cutely. "Fine. I'll go."

His three friends cheered.

When he entered the brothel, a man with a large moustache greeted him. "Hello, lad! Come to sample a bit of my goods, here?"

Oh, Merlin. "Well, yes." Remus fingered the bag holding the galleons in his pocket of his worn jacket. "How much do you charge?"

The man eyed him, still smiling. "Now that depends on what kind of service you want. All of our...employees go for the same rate. It just depends on what you want from them."

"Oh," Remus said meekly. Why was he here, again? Why had he let those miscreants known as friends talk him into this? "I suppose I just want...er..." Feeling his face heat up, he made a gesture with his hands.

The man watched him try to fumble around for a moment, and then laughed. "You want a shag. Any special requests?"

Remus shook his head. "No. Not particularly."

"Well, just a plain shag is fifty galleons." When Remus balked, he added, "But we could negotiate on that. My employees are top quality, you understand. This is not your average seedy place in Knockturn Alley, after all."

Sighing, Remus pulled the bag out of his pocket. "I only have thirty."

The man stood still, obviously thinking, staring at the bag of coins dangling from Remus' hands. A full minute passed, and then the man looked up, grinning fully. "You have yourself a deal, chap. Now, what kind of partner are you looking for?"

Remus paused. What DID he want? "Er..."

The man made it easier for him. "Tall or short?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Dark hair or light?"

"Er...doesn't matter."

"Lean or thick body?"

Remus shrugged. "Lean?" Who wanted a thick woman? Well, he supposed SOME blokes might like that sort of thing...

"British or foreign?"


"Right." The man paused, perusing his list while twisting the end of his moustache with the fingers of one hand. "Let's narrow it down a bit. I think I've got a few good selections here, though."

Glancing around the room some more, Remus shrugged again. "It really doesn't matter that much. It wasn't my idea to come here in the first place, you know."

"Sure it wasn't," the man said quickly, winking at him. "Now...would you like to be the dominant or submissive one?"


"Right. Submissive."

"Wait! I just have-"

"Hairy or smooth?"

"Smooth! Who wants a hairy-"

"Man or woman?"

"Man? What kind of place-"


Remus stopped, a mixture of shock and apprehension making him frozen to his spot. "What's perfect?"

The man grinned at him, his teeth gleaming. "I've got the perfect match for you. Come with me, sir." He started down a side hall quickly, leaving Remus standing in the middle of the main room with his mouth gaping open.

Taking a deep breath, Remus hurried to catch up. "Wait! I was going to say that I didn't want a woman. I mean, I want a woman. I don't want a man. I'm gay-I mean, I'm NOT gay."

The inattentive man, however, was stopped at a door, ushering Remus in. "There you go, young lad. You'll enjoy yourself with this one. He's one of our best!"

"Hello, sexy beast," a husky voice whispered naughtily into his ear. Remus opened his mouth to say something, but a rubbery ball stopped his protestations and straps holding the ball in place were wrapped behind his head. He stood still, nervousness replacing the apprehension that had settled in his stomach. He had a vague idea of what men did to each other, but...did he want this? Could he pass this important milestone in his life with a stranger?

The man was still at the door, watching and smiling. He noticed Remus looking at him. "Oh, lad, I know you want me to join in, but I'm not a prostitute," he laughed heartily, rubbing his large belly. Remus cringed.

"You got that hundred galleons, then?" the voice behind Remus asked the man. Remus thought that the voice sounded oddly familiar...

The man patted his pocket and laughed again. "Sirius Black, you are my best employee. You didn't have to...really..." He winked at the space behind Remus' shoulder and twirled his moustache again.

Remus stood in shock, but that was quickly replaced by complete happiness. Sirius was here. Everything was going to be all right. He made an effort to look like he had done this a thousand times, shooting daggers at this man who was still standing in the doorway jabbering.

"You've never made a special request concerning a customer before," the man was saying to Sirius. "But it was just like you said. Young man, light brown hair, amber eyes...I've known tons of people with amber eyes, since they're so common, but I picked this one out easily." He eyed Remus up and down, and Remus blushed again. "Nice selection, I'd say." He looked up at Sirius again. "But I'm keeping you, aren't I?"

Sirius walked in front of Remus, who noticed that his dark haired friend was wearing studded chaps...with nothing underneath. He almost fainted with ecstasy blooming in his groin area at the sight.

"Thank you, Mr. Cochran," Sirius boomed, shutting the door in the man's face. He turned towards Remus and ran his hands together gleefully. "Now, Moony, where shall we start?"

And virginal Remus lost his virginity that day at the tender age of 21, much to the dismay of fangirls between the ages of 9 and 15.

END (no offense to fangirls...maybe)