A/N: This is my first attempt at fan fiction and as such I hold no high expectations of it – and if you do you know something I don't. The following stab at humour may need explaining. The premise is that, given how disappointed I was with the first two films, I have decided to try to describe how I imagine the fifth book will be treated when converted to film. This is all in harmless fun. I do not intend to offend anybody at all. Invariably I will, so this is a pre-emptive apology, and any flames will be received graciously with a small whimper as I hide behind my desk. Any reviews will be received with a cookie.

Disclaimer: I shall cover this with a big umbrella statement of 'not mine'. Any of it. Sadly. HP is JKs, and no doubt people such as Terry Pratchett, the Pythons and Douglas Adams will be cursing my plagiarism, I mean, homages to them by the time this is over. It's a compliment guys.

Anyway, here goes, the script for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. (Or Harry Potter and the Magic Bird Group for US screenings. This is not a jibe at Americans – but rather the condescending publishers who assume that they will not know the meaning of "Philosopher". Give them some credit, please)

FADE IN: (If you can see above the pointy wizards hat of some obsessive fan, who thinks sporting a black cape, Coke bottle glasses and a scar drawn on in red felt tip will somehow make it all REAL. Kids, only what you can see and touch is the truth. The pink goblins told me so. N.B. You COULD ask pointy headed someone to remove their hat, but bear in mind it could be Granny Weatherwax, and I would not advice anyone to offend her, for fear of being headologied .. headolified ... headologyisioned. Whatever, you have been warned.

Anyway, FADE IN: EXT. A NAMELESS STREET. (A/N: Yes, I KNOW it's Privet Drive, but this is an expression used to describe somewhere that could be anywhere. Not in a philosophical sense, but it is typical of its category. Which is English suburbia. Which is the same as American suburbia. Except that it's smaller, poorer and generally a lot less eventful) The camera swoops into a close up on a particular garden (swoops – teehee – kinda like an owl... geddit? I need a hobby). Close up on our hero, Harry Potter, "The Boy Who Lived", Hero of the wizarding world. In a flowerbed.

JK: I know I'm not really a part of this but just thought I
should mention that Harry Potter is not like ordinary boys, he
is in fact ... (drum roll please) a WIZARD!


JK: Just thought you should know.


JK: I make a point of mentioning it at the beginning of every

AUDIENCE: In case we've been living on an island for the past
five years and the phenomena of the great HP has passed us by?

JK: It's feasible.

AUDIENCE: Even if that were so – do you really think the first
action someone would take once escaping from solitude on an
island would be to come and watch a blockbuster movie?

WARNER BRS: We damn well hope so. We spend enough on
advertising. Incidentally, if you
have just returned from a sojourn on a remote island, why not
pick up a Harry Potter Rehabilitation Pack from all good toy
stores? Ker-ching!

TOM HANKS: Gee thanks. (breaks down) WIIILSON!

AUDIENCE: OK – lets run through this. We've come to see Harry
Potter. We have paid an extortionate amount of hard-earned money
to see this film, which is no less than the FIFTH of the multi-
million pound franchise. Can we please assume that thanks to the
power of advertising we at least know a LITTLE of the story?

HARRY: PLEASE? I've been lying in this uncomfortable
flowerbed for the entire time you've been squabbling. Wait!
There's a random noise!

HARRY totally OVERREACTS and LEAPS UP, reaching for his WAND


HARRY: Oh crap.

VERNON: You! Boy! What – are – you – doing – there?!

HARRY: Listening to the news

VERNON: As I am a one dimensional character, while seeming
to have too little malice for people to believe I lock you in
cupboards, my one function is to be unreasonable, and as such I
have a problem with that.


VERNON: I suppose you are listening for word on Voldemort?
Has it not occurred to you that if he does appear on the news
that it is too late anyway?

HARRY: What?

VERNON: Or are you seriously so arrogant that you think you
alone can avert impending doom.


VERNON: (Interrupting) Hang on a minute, you're too early
with that rant. Now storm off like the sulky irrational teen
that you are.

HARRY: You can't tell me what to do

with a moody,
constipated (of course I mean, conflicted) expression to –
probably – a POP PUNK
HARRY comes across his cousin DUDLEY
DUDLEY is a BULLY and is therefore portrayed as large, stupid
and probably a skinhead. This is
known as a STEREOTYPE, but this is film so what does that

HARRY: You're fat

DUDLEY: You're weird and cry in your sleep.

This revelation, along with a close up on HARRY's TORTURED,

AUDIENCE: Really? He started it. Serves him right. Should pick
his fights better.

HARRY and DUDLEY continue to ARGUE UNECESSARILY to reach the
nearest PLOT POINT

DEMENTOR: Wooooo ... I have just got time to nip in in between
fill in shots for Return of the King. To tell you the truth I'm
pretty glad to get off the horse.

HARRY: Aaaaarrgh! A dementor!

DEMENTOR: Only on the weekends. At other times I'm the
Witchking of Agmar. I apparently cannot be defeated by man,
Gandalf's scared of me, even though Aragorn evidently kicked my
sorry arse in the Fellowship with only a big fiery stick.

HARRY: No man can kill you?


HARRY: How about a woman?

DEMENTOR: That would just be stupid and pedantic.

HARRY: OK, well, how about a stupid wisp of smoke?


DEMENTOR: Noooooo....

The DEMENTOR returns to PETER JACKSON, a hairy god among men.

DUDLEY: Aaaaaah!


A. FIGG: I'm here, and I'm a squib!


AUDIENCE: No kidding? Geez, I mean it doesn't take a genius to
link the names Mrs Figg and Arabella Figg, does it? Especially
not when she's been gratuitously name dropped at least 50 times
in the series.

A. FIGG: I'm also dressed in carpet slippers with my hair in
disarray and a shopping bag flying all over the show. This will
be milked for all the comic relief it can provide for those with
short attention spans. And I'm sure there was something else... oh
yes... I am going to kill Mundungus Fletcher!

AUDIENCE: OOOOH! WHY? C'mon the suspense is killing us. Flick
to the next chapter... or watch the next scene. What a tense

Well, there you go...
Not sure how that'll go down, but please R&R, so I can improve
it. Sorry it's short, but I'll see how
this one goes down before I search for more jokes to make about
the fabulous, and fabulously
rich JKR...

P.S Extra points to those who know where my name comes from.