Disclaimer – Harry Potter, the plot for OotP and all characters and places therein belong to JK Rowling. The characters Alfonso and Chris are mine. Although they closely resemble two other people, their CHARACTERS are fictional.

Hello chums.

Firstly I'd like to say thankyou for everyone's support. I'm very glad people like this fic because I love writing it. I'm still deciding what to do about altering it from script form, as while this obviously works best as a script I don't want to risk angering the big bosses, as I know many people's fics I've read have been pulled off because of this (I thought) new rule. This chapter in the book is a little uneventful, so I've chosen this one to have a fiddle with and try different approaches. I'm not too pleased with the results, but it's given me some ideas. I'm also going to try and post this fic on another site so I can continue writing it in script form, but I'm getting this dally out to you now because I go on a two week holiday tomorrow – so there'll be a little hiatus in The Order of the Phoenix. On THAT sbject - I may change the name of this fic when I get back – as I think the title is a little giveaway... but if I carry on with it under a different name I will keep you posted via my profile.

Anyway, back to THIS chapter...

Look what I found rooting through dustbins – a quick brief of this chapter! How fortunate – and coincidental. From what I can make out it appears to be some jotted notes about the chapter, and advice from several quarters on how to transfer it to film. The 'handwriting' seems to belong as such – The bold font appears to belong to someone named Chris, the italic belongs to an Alfonso (or Alfie as he is known to his friends) and the bold AND italic is uncertain. My guess is that it belongs to the director of the fifth film – and he seems to be slightly sensible at least. (YES! Before you movie fans tell me off as Cuaron is pencilled in for directing the fifth just go with it, OK? This isn't totally serious. Although I'm glad you guys are there to keep me in line when I can't be bothered burrowing into my hordes of Empire and Total Film magazines to check a fact.)

These are in good-natured fun; I do appreciate the tough job that directors have. But I think some of the advice given by our friends Chris and Alfie would be best ignored by Director X.

Oh, but before I reveal to you this Top-Secret document – squirrels brought me something else of interest. Seems to be a letter of some kind...


Dear girl-who-is-gonna-be-playing-Luna,

I know that it must be scary for you coming to work with such prestigious and talented actors such as myself, Rupie and Emma, but don't worry, I've put together a little advice sheet for you. This is just to help you act as well as us on screen, and not be overshadowed too much by our brimming talent;

To exclaim – Talk loudly and shrilly with wide open eyes to convey strong feeling or surprise.

To appear offended – Eyebrows to furrow, mouth to become slack and a small 'huh' noise to escape from the lips.

To appear awkward – Look at the floor, twist body from side to side. Girls can bite lip.

To put on a brave face – Smile wonkily and squint.

To sound interested – Raise the pitch of voice at the end of every sentence. Alternate eyebrows between furrowed and raised. Scratch chin?

A pained expression – Like the name says – get someone to hold your balls really tight.

To look angry – Pull corners of mouth downwards and encourage eyebrows to meet in the middle.

That should be enough for you, not much else is really expected.

Hope this helps, Your mate, Dan.


Open scene at Platform 9 ¾ after our hero and guards have had to walk to King's Cross Station. We regular-walkers do not sympathise. Sirius has accompanied them in his animagus form – a black dog.

It'd be well cool if we cud make this a were-dog? Make it stand on its back legs right? We did this for the werewolf and I thought it looked cool. Perhaps half human/half dog/half pineapple? That flies? – Alfionso.

No – he's a big black dog, that's it. The werewolf did NOT look cool – it looked like a stick man with hair plastered on. The half-human thing comes from the werewolf actually BEING a human for most of the time then becoming a WOLF on the night of the full moon. MEMO to self – must add backstory behind why they became animagus thanks to this being left out in the 3rd.

MOODY says, "All OK. Don't think we were followed."

AUDIENCE likely to say, "What? Harry needed a guard to make sure they weren't followed? To the train station? When EVERYONE knows he's going back to Hogwarts? LUCIUS MALFOY is AT the train station for God's sakes..."

MOODY says, "Sturgis didn't turn up. I'll be reporting him to Dumbledore, that's the second time he's not turned up in a week."

Cut this dude out. And the dude he's talking about – Alfie.

Ignore Alfonso - MUST name drop Sturgis (even if it is almost imperceptible) so audience can't say we didn't already mention him when he becomes important later.

HARRY says, "Shall we go find a compartment then?"

RON and HERMIONE look awkward.

HERMIONE says, "Sorry Harry, but we have to go to the Prefect's carriage. Don't worry, I'm sure that being the obviously popular person you are you'll have plenty of company even if your two friends are removed.

HARRY puts on a brave face and searches for someone to be his friend. He cannot, so has to settle for Ron's younger sister, GINNY, and NEVILLE.

They enter a compartment with NEW and INTERESTING character, LUNA LOVEGOOD.

All new young actors must be run by my personal casting process. i.e. – are they abnormally good looking? If not – send them away. Chris.

But this is supposed to be a 'crazy' character, right? – I suggest fright wigs and scary make-up – see my huge success with Sybil Trelawney – Alf

LUNA is evidently crazy, she is reading a copy of the Quibbler upside down, has protruding, staring eyes, and talks in a dreamy voice. Despite apparently being crazy and therefore supposed to be reputable, due to Harry's self centred and insular life we have never come across her before.

Luna says, "Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure"

I had a look at this book thingy and she does say that. But I don't understand it so I fink you oughtta replace it with somethin about tap dancing spiders... I find that gets a laugh. Alfie.

NEVILLE shows HARRY a plant.

I find that if you spend a lot of money on making an interesting CG prop with movement that will be on screen for 2 seconds, people wil give you a lot of lee-way with bad plot and script. Check out my mandrakes for further details. A bit of advice from your chum Chris.

I reckon this stuff shud be abanda – abanddon – abba – got rid of cos' it's taking up action time! Flying Dementors! Flying Harry! Flying cabbages!!! Alf.

NEVILLE starts to become interesting by showing some expertise in an area Harry isn't a genius in, but have to make him appear stupid by showing him make the plant spurt slimy green liquid. The woes of being comic relief.

CHO CHANG enters for a brief moment to say hello to Harry then blush and leave. People have no problem accepting that this simple gesture means CHO fancies HARRY but deny fervently any sexual tension between Ron and Hermione. Even JK's exasperated, people!

CHO says, "Hello Harry, I'm apparently stunningly beautiful, very popular and a year older than you. What on earth do I see in a troublesome geeky youth? People are probably supposed to feel sorry for me later on, but it is hard for them to sympathise with me when I sweep from one Hogwart's champion to the next. Somehow a fame hungry gold-digger doesn't tug too many heartstrings."

HARRY feels that being in LUNA's company covered in green goo will jeopardise his chances with CHO. However, nobody thought he even HAD chances to ruin, so it makes no odds.

Wait! This Cho chick's supposed to be hot, right? Well, Hermione was supposed to be plain, and we pick someone really pretty, right? Follow my line of reasoning – gorgeous Cho in the book? I'm thinking 6ft beauty, late teens, DD breasts and ... tell you what, find her then send her to me for my approval. Comprendez? Chris.

HARRY notices the newspaper in LUNA's hands – the Quibbler.

Yawn – put in Harry ridin on one of them Hippo-wotsits here..

Shut up Alfonso – the Quibbler needs to be mentioned as it is important later.


Harry has to read the headlines aloud for the audience's attention. This he does in his patented 'interested yet astounded' voice. You know – the one he had when he read the Hogwart's letter. And any time he has the enormously challenging task of reading something aloud.

Don't care – insert kung fu fighting here.

Look – shut up – there are important plot points to be discovered here – you can't just gloss over them with moody scenery and action.

Really?

HERMIONE and RON return. HARRY is still experiencing rejection for the first time, so is wearing a pained expression as he sees RON, who was favoured over him.

HERMIONE says, "The Quibbler's a load of rubbish, I know all these things about the wizarding world despite being Muggle-born and bred. Baffles me why Ron can't provide some information some of the time."

LUNA says, "My dad's the editor. Remember that if you ever need to do some press conference type announcement. Handy, isn't it?"

See?

RON says, "By the way Harry, just to make you feel more miserable, Malfoy has achieved what you didn't. Although it's probably time for you to suffer from some inadequacy, the irony is rather cruel, don't you think?"

At this, MALFOY enters.

HARRY snaps, "What? While being cool and calm may gain me some of the upper hand I decide to show Malfoy that his being prefect bothers me even before he has to say a word."

MALFOY says, "Manners, Potter, or I may have to give you a detention. This would be the perfect way to annoy you throughout the year, however, after one brief mention of it I do not seem to put this brilliant plan into action. You see, I unlike you, have been able to act since the first film, and I, unlike you built up a considerable fanbase without being the lead character, and I, unlike you have strangely managed to make a bastard of a character appealing merely by being attractive. Oh yes, and I, unlike you, have been made a prefect.

HARRY says, "But you, unlike me, are a git."

(Here the audience will hurrah, as, although Draco is enticing, this is a hilarious line, and NO-ONE shall remove it. It belongs to the hero, after all.)

MALFOY says, "Tell me, how does it feel being second best to Weasley, Potter?"

HERMIONE says, "Shut up, Malfoy."

HARRY agrees.

RON says, "Hey! Why's that an insult!"

MALFOY says, "I seem to have touched a nerve."

RON says, "I don't see why that's such a huge insult. Why is even Hermione offended by that?! Charming."

MALFOY leaves. Smirking delectably.

I don't like this. I think Hermione should flick Malfoy and he should run off screaming.

Sample scene:

HERMIONE: What do you want Malfoy?

MALFOY: Ba- bu- bu- - help!

HERMIONE: Get lost

MALFOY: (starts to whimper) Don – don't hurt me!

HERMIONE looks as thought she's about to delicately tap him with her weak and frail arms.

MALFOY runs off crying.

The point being he's really a coward. – Alfie.

I agree that Malfoy is a coward at heart, however, he is also a git. And that kind of git would punch a girl right back if she dared to touch him. He's a coward, but not an excessive wimp.

Cut to the train arriving at Hogwarts.

I think a change of scenery would be a great thing. How about in Iceland? In a septic tank? Alf

HARRY and CO. wait for the familiar sounds of HAGRID shouting – 'firs' years this way. However, it is PROF. GRUBBLY-PLANK that is performing HAGRID's job.

This fuels may people's suspicions that HAGRID is the one to die in this book. Several members of the audience begin to wail. Several more who know who actually DOES die sob even louder.

HARRY, however, has little time to dwell on this as he is startled by the appearance of THESTRALS.

HARRY exclaims, "What are those horse things?"

These horse things are THESTRALS. Creepy black, dragon like horses. You can see them only after you've witnessed death. It's amazing how this has been mentioned by no-one in HARRY's four years at Hogwarts. That said, HARRY seems to have selective hearing – hearing only things concerning himself, or supposed to be not concerning him in any way.

These horse-thiungumy's? Can they fly? And breathe fire? Perhaps Harry can ride one like my favourite boy Leo DiCaprio? This would make me very happy – Alfie.

RON says, "What horses? You feeling alright Harry?

HARRY says, "Yeah ..."

RON, says, "Oh God, it's going to be like you speaking Parseltongue again isn't it? And instead of doing the sensible thing and ask what they could be, you'd rather sit in your own anxiety and let it build to overwhelming importance, wouldn't you? Why don't you ask Hermione? I'm sure it's in Hogwarts: A History.

HARRY says, "No, I'd rather assume that Luna and I have a shared hallucination than do the sensible thing and ask someone like Dumbledore. I can make a bigger deal of it this way you see.

RON rolls his eyes as the carriage moves off.


Hope you could stand this – don't worry – the script version will be up in cyber space soon after I get back hopefully.

Anyway, I'll see you all after my jolly holiday, taraaa!