DISCLAIMER: I own neither Saiyuki nor Sesame street. I hang my head in shame and sorrow.
NOTES: The reviews to the last chapter are answered in the final epilogue, Goes Without Saying, which is posted seperately in the R section. Posted here is the omake, from start to finish. Have fun-I- did.
And so, with apologies to Grover,
Hir Wicked Style
-The SEME at the end of this fic-
starring lovable, placid old HAKKAI
Hakkai: (bows) Ohayo gozaimasu.
and adorably vague but considerably older TENPOU.
Tenpou: (waves) 'hayo.
Tenpou: This is a very dull page, and it isn't very polite. Moving on!
Hakkai: (double take) Ano... excuse me, Tenpou-san, but what did that say? Did it say there will be a -seme- at the end of this fic?
Tenpou: Well, yes. So I think we should hurry, don't you, Hakkai-kun?
Hakkai: O.O I'm afraid I have to disagree with you, Tenpou-san. You see...
(flashbacks to Chin Iisou, Hyakugun-Maou, the bat-youkai with the whip, Homura, that deranged illusion-maker from Requiem)
Hakkai: ...You see, Tenpou-san, the fact is (I'm ashamed to admit it, but) I don't really get along very well with semes.
Tenpou: O.O Why on earth not!
Hakkai: (brightly brittle) Ne, Tenpou-san, I have a suggestion. If we don't click any links, we won't reach the end of the fic. Which would be a good thing, because there is a -seme- at the end of the fic. So please don't click the link, if you wouldn't mind. (heart)
Tenpou: Well, I'm afraid -I- have to disagree with -you- Hakkai-kun. Ikuzou!
Hakkai: (youkai) Don't make me hurt you.
Tenpou: (kami) (eyebrow)
Hakkai: (a twitching pile of despair) You... you -clicked- the -link.-
Tenpou: Of course! (heart)
Hakkai: You know, Tenpou-san, I thought karma was supposed to catch up in your -next- life.
Tenpou: ...This is your next life-Hakkai-kun. Ne, cheer up! A gentle rain caresses the cherry blossoms, Kanzeon Bosatsu's put jasmine insense in the halls today, I just got a new shipment of manga from the Tougenjyou, and somewhere out there is a redheaded ruffian with no sense of delicacy who is willing (dreamy) to do -all the work.-
Hakkai: (despondant) Rain. That's all I needed.
Hakkai: Eheheh. It seems you don't understand, Tenpou-san. You see, clinking the links will bring us to the end of the fic, and there is a -seme- at the end of the fic.
Tenpou: (a huge lech) I understand that very well, Hakkai-kun!...It's your reluctance I find inexplicable.
Hakkai: Clearly. However-this- will stop you from clicking the links. See?
(Pulls out Sanzo-action figure and pulls the string in the back. Sutra does its thing.)
Hakkai: There! The pages are immobilized, so you can't-
Hakkai: YOU CLICKED ANOTHER LINK! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE -DOING- TO ME!
Tenpou: (aside) Does living make everyone this high-strung?
Hakkai: (slumped) How did you do that, anyway?
Tenpou: (pats his shoulder) Welcome to the Internet, Hakkai-kun.
Hakkai: Ah. (glum) Note to self: next time, aim for the mouse.
Hakkai: Ah, well, it's tiring to work alone in any case.
Hakkai: Ne, Goku, would you like me to make you some yakisoba?
Goku: O.O HAI!
Hakkai: Then do me the favor, please, of guarding that link from this gentleman.
Goku: Okay-WAAAAAAAI, TEN-CHAAAAAAAN! (glomp)
Hakkai: (sigh) Perhaps that was to be expected.
Tenpou: Goku, you're looking very well! You've grown up a lot, and you barely look starved at all anymore. Konzen must be taking very good care of you.
Goku: But I'm hungry aaaaaall the tiiiiiime, Ten-chan! In fact, I'm hungry right now. Hakkai, haraheta!
Hakkai: Well, I did offer you that yakisoba, Goku, but I suppose it would be impolite to make you fight your friend for it. -.-
Goku: (blinks) Huh? But don't we fight Kougaiji and Yaone and Lilin and that erokappa's brother all the time? Aren't they our friends?
Hakkai: Ano... something like that...
Goku: So there's no problem! Come on, Ten-chan, let's fight, and then Hakkai will make us yakisoba! n,n
Tenpou: Goku, I think Konzen might be a bad influence on you.
Tenpou: Never mind. Very well, if you wish to fight, I hope you don't mind if I don't hold back.
Goku: Oh, sure! It wouldn't be any fun if you did! (heart)
Tenpou: In that case...
(enter a short yellow-eyed kami with an enormous spider attatched to the front of his head)
Goku? ... !
Nataku: Marshal, that wasn't a very respectful summons.
Tanpou: My apologies, Toushin. However, there's someone here who would like to see you.
Goku: Waaai! You remembered! (heart)
Nataku: Come on! I still haven't showed you the Field of Blue an' Purple Flowers, or the Really Cool Place Under the Stairway to Heaven, or That One Tree With The Crooked Branch, or...
(drags him off.)
Hakkai: Well, perhaps Goku is a bit distractible. I have another idea.
Hakkai: Jiipu, would you be so good as to guard this link and stop it from being clicked, please?
Hakkai: Thank you, my frien-
Goujun: Marshal, you have an annoying habit of addressing your superiors! Is that... me!
Jiipu: KYUU! Is that... me!
(Goujun has heart attack from shock)
(From Goujun's body, a small white dragon rises)
Jiipu: Kyukyu. You have -got- to be kidding.
Hakuryuu-chan: K'kyu. I agree entirely.
(Hakuryuu-chan disappears in a puff of paradox and reappears at some point during RELOAD.)
Kanzeon Bosatsu: So that's what happened to him!
Hakkai: Well, immobilizing the pages didn't work, but suppose we try this...
(aims qiball at page source)
Tenpou: (impressed) My, my, Hakkai-kun! You're a very quick study!
Hakkai: (gratified) Well, it just occurred to me; I thought I'd give it a try.
Tenpou: Keep this up, and we might be able get my old job back 8) Unfortunately, however, I still have resources of my own.
(opens the door)
Konzen: LEAVE THE FUCKING CODE ALONE, YOU SONOFABITCH! YOU'RE JUST MAKING MORE PAPERWORK! YOU'RE NOT THE ONE WHO HAS TO WORK IN QUINTUPLICATE, YOU INCONSIDERATE BASTARD! (stomp stomp thwack storms off)
Hakkai: (swirly-eyes) Sanzo... high heels... lilac... hair... (swoon)
Tenpou: I regret to inform you-well, no, actually, I'm afraid I'm so impolite as to not regret it at all in any way whatsoever. Regardless, it seems to be up to me to inform you that despite Hakkai-kun's extremely hard head-he gets it from me (blush)-he has been unconscious since Konzen trampled all over it. At least, I think it was for that reason, although a person of less delicate sensibility might suggest that it had something to do with the Konzen's trouserless robes. Regardless, since there's no one awake to try and stop me from getting lai-I mean, from clicking the link, there will be no omake for this chapter. Since it must be so and all that, gentlebeings, and I hope you will permit me the pleasure of wishing you all a very good morning. Jaaaa ne.
Tenpou: Ah, Hakkai-kun, you're awake. How do you feel?
Hakkai: Tenpou-san, we're getting disturbingly close to the end of the fic.
Tenpou: Indeed we are, Hakkai-kun! .
Hakkai: And there is a -seme- at the end of this fic.
Tenpou: (griiiiiiins) So we have been led to believe. (hormone sparkles)
Hakkai: (very tired) Tenpou-san, I'm begging you. Please, do not go to the next page.
Hakkai: (on his knees; has had no pride in years) Certainly.
Tenpou: ...You know, Hakkai-kun, for someone who claims not to get along with semes, you make a -magnificent- sub.
Tenpou: (rubs hands) So, have you given up, Hakkai-kun?
Hakkai: (gets off knees, loosens hands) I'm afraid not, Tenpou-san. In fact, as close as we are to the end of the fic, I'm afraid I'm getting rather desperate.
Tenpou: (Marshal Of Western Army) Oh, Hakkai-kun, you're not going to try and fight me, are you?
Hakkai: (Berserker And Genocide) Well, yes, that was the idea...
Tenpou: But Hakkai-kun, you're out of pawns.
Hakkai: Well, yes, but aren't you?
Tenpou: (ruffles his hair) Don't be silly, Hakkai-kun! We know how to deal with rampaging youkai around here-erk!
(Hakkai martial-arts him into a chair and secures him there with layman's sash.)
Hakkai: Please don't try to escape, Tenpou-san. I'm afraid I'm rather good with knots. (embarrassed smile)
Tenpou: (hormone sparkles) Is this what they mean when they speak of narssicism?
Hakkai: ...ExCUSE me?
Tenpou: Well, I have to admit, Hakkai-kun, you are -extremely- good at knots. I can't move at all. And I'm frankly turned on.
Hakkai: ...I'm going over here now.
Tenpou: However, as I was about to say before I was so -masterfully- interrupted-
Hakkai-Way- over here.
Tenpou-I'm not entirely out of tricks.
Hakkai: (dubious) Is that so, Tenpou-san?
Tenpou: (eeeevil smile) Oh, it is, Hakkai-kun! Here, I'll show you.
Hakkai: Oh, certainly. By all means.
Tenpou: Oh-Taishou- (heart)
Kenren: The hell? Tenpou, why are you tied to a chair with a scarf I don't own? Is that one of -Konzen's- And how come there's two of you?
Hakkai: I resent that. Some of us bathe more than once a week.
Kenren: Hey, Tenpou, he's -cute-
Hakkai: (purrs) Ne, Gojyo, this is a good look for you... I can see your whole face... And most of your chest...
Hakkai: But I'm afraid that lumpy skull will have to go...
Kenren: (flushed and sparkly) Oooh... uh, Tenpou, you okay with this?
Tenpou: Taishou, I have a front-row seat. n,n But if you would be so good, as soon as you're finished, if you would kindly click on that link down there...
Kenren: Oh, sure. I can do it now if you want; get it out of the way.
Hakkai: NO! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
Kenren: (annoyed) Oi...
Tenpou: (very cheerful) Well, no matter. You may as well return to your duties.
Kenren: (big grin) Yes-sir.- With pleasure.
Tenpou: ...Aren't you going to untie me, General?
Kenren: Submitted respectfully, Marshal-no.
Tenpou: ...Good answer.
Hakkai: (braces hands on knees and pants. Looks up, blinks) Oh, my! This is the end of the fic-but the only one here is -me- (heart) I, lovable, placid old -Hakkai- am the seme at the end of this fic! I keep telling you not to anticipate, and you were so worried... Perhaps next time you'll have a bit more faith, ne? (adorable chastising smile)
Hakkai: oh, I am so -embarassed- (covers face with hands)
Gojyo: (comes to rest on his shoulder) And you're a pretty lousy seme, too.
Hakkai: (takes a hand down and GLARES)
Gojyo: Yup. You need practice. Lots and lots and lots of practice...
Hakkai: ...You begin to persuade me.
(Okay, I'm done now. Really. Good night, and have a better year than the last one!)