Mary-Sue and Plotless Authors Anonymous
By Treanz Alyce and Seadragon
Treanz Alyce: Hello and-
Seadragon: shoves Treanz Alyce off the stage Welcome to-
Treanz Alyce: kicks Seadragon in the shin Mary-Sue and Plot-
Seadragon: pulls Treanz's hair -less Story Authors-
Treanz Alyce: punches Seadragon in the stomach Anonymous hosted by-
Seadragon: bites Treanz Us.
Treanz Alyce: Hey! Look! It's Neal! And he has… Frogs!
Seadragon: Where?! Where?! runs off
Treanz Alyce: snickers While my co-host is off chasing after her beloved frogs, and Neal too I guess, I get to tell you all about our wonderful show. sigh That girl is so gullible.
Bob: Umm… Treanz? terrified
Treanz Alyce: What?! Can you not see I am incredible busy?!
Bob: Uh, nothing, nothing…
Treanz Alyce: Good! Now, as I was saying-
Seadragon: puts a bucket over Treanz's head
Treanz Alyce: Hey! Who turned the lights off?!
Seadragon: Our show is to help those poor authors who can't help but write Mary-Sues and/or Plotless Stories. Sadly, these two usually go hand in hand. It is our job to help these poor authors recover from the trauma this inflicts upon their eternal souls… Aww hell, who am I kidding?!
Neal: No one?
Seadragon: I don't need your help! They know that! eyes widen Neal?!
Neal: Oh shit. runs
Seadragon: chases Come back my precious!
Treanz Alyce: Hmm. That was… Interesting. Well, what my wonderful, if easily distracted, co-host was trying to say was, well, she was lying. We are here to-
Seadragon: Inflict deadly harm.
Treanz Alyce: Shut up, you're scaring them! suspicious look And what happened to Neal?
Seadragon: Why must everyone blame everything on me?!
Treanz Alyce: Because it's always your fault?
Seadragon: thinks True. But, this time, I didn't do anything!
Treanz Alyce: Sure you didn't.
Seadragon: No! Really! I didn't! See, I was chasing Neal, right?
Treanz Alyce: Right.
Seadragon: And he was running, right?
Treanz Alyce: This could take a while…
Seadragon: So he trips, right?
Treanz Alyce: sigh
many hours later
Seadragon: And the evil piranhas came and bit his legs off!
Treanz Alyce: Which is why he is currently tied to a post right next to you, with both of his legs still attached, right?
Seadragon: frantic nod
Treanz Alyce: I always get stuck with the loonies, don't I?
Neal: Hello-o?! What about me? Seadragon just won't leave me alone! tear
Treanz Alyce: Shush, I'm wallowing in self-pity!
Seadragon: mutters You get stuck with the loonies?
Bob: The camera is still rolling!
Seadragon: Point being?
Bob: sigh I just had to become a stagehand. Why didn't I listen to my mother and get a nice, easy, relaxing job? Like being on the bomb squad, or a lion tamer…
Treanz Alyce: I think he is trying to say… GET ON WITH IT!
Seadragon: Dude, no need to spaz!
Neal: Is there any point to my being here?
Treanz Alyce: Yes, so she won't kill me.
Neal: She's going to kill me?!
Seadragon: Oh no, I have much better plans for you.
Treanz Alyce: stage whisper Psst! Neal! Now would be the time to be scared for your life and/or sanity.
Neal: Gee, you're so helpful.
Treanz Alyce: And you're so sweet!
Seadragon: Sarcasm Treanz, sarcasm. Is it that hard for you?!
Treanz Alyce: Y'know, you would think I could pick up on sarcasm really quickly, after spending so much time with you.
Seadragon: You would, wouldn't you?
Treanz Alyce: But sadly, that is not the case. I have come to expect everything that comes out of your mouth to be sarcasm, and I pray to all the gods that what everyone else says isn't. So really, you've just really messed up my whole inner sarcasm detector.
Seadragon: Whatever you say Treanz, whatever you say…
Treanz Alyce: sigh Where were we?
Seadragon: No idea.
Treanz Alyce: And that would be thanks to your slight overdose on caffeine, right?
Seadragon: Of course- Hey!
Treanz Alyce: What?
Seadragon: Good question…
Neal: You people scare me.
Seadragon: As we should. Now, Neal, do you have any complaints about Mary-Sues and/or Plotless Stories?
Treanz Alyce: That isn't in the schedule!
Seadragon: Just a time filler, no worries! Besides, what are we supposed to be doing right now anyway?
Treanz Alyce: Er…
Seadragon: Thought so. Well, Neal?
Neal: Uh… Well, I don't like it when they make me fall in love with Mary-Sues?
Treanz Alyce: Was that a question or an answer?
Treanz Alyce: Same question.
Seadragon: Stop it.
Neal: I don't like it when they… Umm… Er… Uh…
Seadragon: Very articulate, this one.
Treanz Alyce: snicker
Neal: Well now that you mention it, I can't stand it when those thoughtless authors make me fall in love with someone for no reason, then spend the rest of the story on pointless fluff and then end the story on an equally sappy note. For example-
Treanz Alyce: whines You started him, now make him stop!
Seadragon: nodding along with Neal I understand completely. For example, I just read a story about you and Joren of all people! I mean, what kind of sick minds do these people have? I appreciate slash as much as the next person, but, come on! If you are going to pair Joren with someone incredibly unlikely, Kel is right there!
Neal: Kel?! You want to pair Joren with Kel?!
Seadragon: ignores Neal completely Don't even get me started on Thom/Roger! It is so obvious that it is Alex/Roger. They are clearly going to follow through with that good old Conte tradition of sleeping with your squire! But, of course, the best slash pairing in all of Tortall is Gary and Raoul! beams expectantly
Treanz Alyce: blinks
Treanz Alyce: Oh, well done, well done! You made the poor guy faint!
Seadragon: Poor guy? Ha, he's just lucky I didn't get into about how Yuki should be crushed by a pile of bricks!
Treanz Alyce: rolls eyes
Seadragon: coughs Do you realize we haven't even gotten to the point of this entire thing yet?
Treanz Alyce: There's a point?
Seadragon: I think so. Otherwise this is just us randomly talking/arguing, and that would not really be that interesting for all our readers.
Treanz Alyce: I wasn't aware that we had any readers…
Seadragon: Well we don't yet… But soon! I hope. Anyway, the point of this story is to provide support for those poor people who can't write to save their lives. sigh We are going to get so many flames for this.
Treanz Alyce: I think Neal's waking up.
Seadragon: Really?! Yay! coughs again I mean… Uh… Aw screw it. Neal! hugs
Neal: Umm, a little help here? Please?!
Treanz Alyce: cackles While Seadragon strangles Neal, I suppose I better tell you about this, um, show? Hey, Seadragon, is this a show?
Seadragon: And we'll have a big scary castle on a Widow's Peak, with a moat filled with alligators and sharks so that when no one falls in, we can watch the alligators and the sharks duke it out, and it'll have towers, and dungeons, and a fire breathing dragon!
Treanz Alyce: I don't think she's going to answer me any time soon, so let's just call it a show. Anyway, the point of this show (just go with me people), is to provide support for those poor people who can't write to save their lives. So just write in and give us the name of authors and stories and Mary-Sues that you think fit this description. I know Mary-Sues can't write, so just give us the names and descriptions of some Mary-Sues from the stories of the authors that can't write…
Seadragon: still hugging Neal Otherwise this show will never be any longer than this one chapter! And we really don't want that!
Neal: Psst! Treanz Alyce!
Treanz Alyce: Yes?
Neal: Why does she have green hair?
Treanz Alyce: She likes it like that.
Neal: And why is it so short and standing on end?
Treanz Alyce: Haven't you ever heard of hair gel? You guys really are barbarians!
Neal: But she's a girl!
Treanz Alyce: And?
Seadragon: sing song voice I can hear you!
Treanz Alyce: rolls eyes Of course you can! We're right here, and aren't exactly whispering. Besides, its not like you really care.
Seadragon: True. Hey, did I tell you what I did to that girl who decided it would be fun to write on me with hot pink marker?
Treanz Alyce: Let's put it this way, do I want to know?
Seadragon: Probably not.
Treanz Alyce: Are you going to tell me anyway?
Seadragon: Yup. But let me get more comfortable first. snaps
BLACK LEATHER COUCH appears on the STAGE, NEAL is now sitting on it.
Treanz Alyce: sits on couch
Seadragon: sits on Neal
Neal: Hey! I'm not a chair you know!
Seadragon: Point being?
Treanz Alyce: Hey, lovebirds, can we get back to the show now?
Seadragon: ignores her So, Neal, should we name the dragon Sparky or Killer?
Neal: puts head in hands Why me?!
Treanz Alyce: Do you want the real reason, or the fake, total false reason?
Neal: sarcastically Gee, that's tough…
Treanz Alyce: So, which one?
Neal: Give me a minute!
Treanz Alyce: rolls eyes I thought it was easy!
Seadragon: For Neal, nothing's easy.
Treanz Alyce: That's sadly true.
Neal: Just tell me both damn it! I can't decide! This is exactly why I left the University, everyone expected me to have an opinion, I mean, what were they thinking?!
Treanz Alyce: stares
Seadragon: Poor Neal! hugs
Treanz Alyce: Right… Okay, the false reason first I guess. Well, Neal, the reason its you, is because you are a bad boy who deserves punishment, and we are here to deliver. Do you remember when you pushed Dom off the shed? I do. That was a bad thing to do! And now you're paying for it! cackles
Neal: Umm, that wasn't me.
Treanz Alyce: So?
Seadragon: You know what would really make this better?
Treanz Alyce: Just ignore her. She hasn't had her meds yet. If we aren't careful, she'll start ranting about the Government.
Neal: What's she got against the King?
Treanz Alyce: Not that government! The Canadian Government! But moving on to the real reason. You are much better that Dom, and her favorite color is green, and half the girls who have read PoTS fell in love with you. But she got to you first, thanks in part to a large munitions depot at her disposal, and the fact that she can be very violent when she wants to. Also, most people are smart enough not to argue with a rabid fan girl with green hair holding a very sharp sword, and a Desert Eagle.
Seadragon: We need to get some frogs. Definitely. They would really liven this place up. And I know just the place we can get them!
Treanz Alyce: Road trip?
Seadragon: Road trip.
Neal: I really don't like the sound of this.
Seadragon: ignoring him What do you think? Opel Speedster good?
Treanz Alyce: Oh, very.
Seadragon: snapsBLACK OPEL SPEEDSTER appears on the STAGE
Treanz Alyce: Do you have a driver's license?
Seadragon: Nope, you?
Treanz Alyce: Nah. Not for a few years.
Seadragon: shrugs It can't be that hard! grabs Neal, drags him over to the car and gets into the drivers seat
Neal: What in the name of the Black God is this thing?!
Seadragon: ignores him Hey, Treanz, this look real? holds up a fake driver's license
Treanz Alyce: If you carry a weapon, sure.
Seadragon: Good. Neal, got any weapons on you?
Neal: Uh, no. Should I?
Seadragon: What kind of knight are you?! snapsBIG PILE OF WEAPONS appears on the BACK SEAT
Treanz Alyce: Oo! A Light Sabre, I thought they recalled all these. runs and jumps into the passenger seat
Seadragon: Right, I've got my sword, and my Desert Eagle again, Neal, take that knife, and that sword there. Treanz, take your pick.
Treanz Alyce: beaming and digging through the pile It's like Christmas come early!
Seadragon: revs engine Super Pet here we come!
Treanz Alyce: waves to readers Don't forget to send us the names!
The BLACK OPEL SPEEDSTER crashes through the STUDIO WALLS and NEAL's SCREAMS can be heard getting quieter and quieter as they drive away into the sunset- er, midday sun…