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DISCLAIMER: Ranma and friends belong to the brilliant Rumiko Takahashi and in no way belong to me. This story however, is the product of my demented little mind and does use her characters, which I assure you - is quite illegal. Since I'm not making a dime off it though, it would not be in anyone's interests to sue me, especially since you'd have an easier time getting blood from a stone.
NOTES: This is what happens when you let me drink Pepsi and watch Ranma videos.
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" Get back here, you old goat!!"
An enraged scream followed the strange figure as he bounded over one rooftop and lept for another. As it drew closer, the detail, blurred by distance, sharpened to reveal a wizened, dried up creature that chortled happily as it flew by, large sack trailing streams of various undergarments.
" I don't think so!" the troll shot back. Behind him, a raging red-head chased after him, her battle aura flaring brightly, like some avenging angel from legendary tales of days of old. The sight was strange enough, but even more so was the fact the red-head was soaking wet but unconcerned about it, regardless of the less then ideal temperature of the morning.
" Old lech! You're gonna pay!" shrieked the red-head as she lunged for the troll who dodged with amazing speed. The red-head flailed wildly as the troll then appeared behind her and delivered a swift kick. The red-head dropped off the roof out of sight.
" How dare you attack husband!"
The troll managed to turn his head just in time for the front wheel of the bicycle to crash into him, face first. " OOOFF!"
A purple-haired goddess stared at him contemptuously, while balancing a container on one hand. The troll blinked as his mind slowly cleared. And his vision. He took in the curvey shape of the goddess before him.
" My, mother nature sure is kind to you Amazons!" he grinned laviscously at her before reaching up with blinding speed.
" No touch womans of amazon tribe pervert!" the Amazon growled before swinging a fist at the lech. The troll became intimately acquainted with the roofing tiles as the Amazon smiled smugly.
" Not bad Shampoo," came a groggy voice as the red-head wearily pulled herself back up to the roof. Shampoo smiled ecstatically.
" Nihao Ranma!" she said cheerfully, pulling a boiling tea-kettle from pocketspace (you know - that place that stores all anime martial artists weapons like knives, swords, kendo sticks, nunchucks, mallets and most heavy appliances), and pouring it over the red-head who suddenly grew a few inches and lost most of her curves.
" HOT! HOT!" screeched Ranma, jumping up and down. Shampoo covered her mouth as she glanced at the kettle.
" Ooops. Shampoo find Ranma more quickly today." She put the kettle back in pocketspace and proceeded to give Ranma a first-class Amazon glomp.
" Ack!" Ranma struggled to free himself without touching any part of her that would be deemed a mallet-worthy offense by his fiancee.
" SAOTOME! HOW DARE YOU ATTACK MY BEAUTIFUL SHAMPOO!" Another enraged scream sounded above them. Ranma looked up to see a white-robed man wearing thick glasses leaping down at them, razor-sharp knives protruding from the volumionous folds of his robes.
" I didn't-" Ranma started to protest when Shampoo whirled around and splashed the man with a handy cup of cold water. The man disappered into his robes which struck the rooftop with a thud. Shampoo dug through them, discarding various blades, chains, a microwave and an entire living room set from them before finding her target. Pulling her hand back out, she now held in her fist, the neck of a white duck, glasses dangling from its bill.
" Stupid Mousse," she growled. " You go away now. Shampoo with husband!" Tossing the duck aside, she grabbed Ranma' shirt before he could get away and returned to her previous, glomped position.
" I ain't your husb-" Ranma again tried to speak when a shadow fell over them. Ranma gulped as he looked up to see Akane standing there, arms crossed and a glare that put the fear of god (and mallets) into him full-force.
" Having a nice time with Shampoo, Ranma?" she asked acidly, before pulling out her own bucket of water and throwing it over the two of them. When the spray subsided, Ranma was once again a girl, with Neko-Shampoo clinging to her shirt. Ranma froze. Ever so slowly, her eyes crept downward. White fur, tufted ears, long tail...
" C-C-C-C-C-CA-A-A-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT!!!!" With an unholy shriek of terror, Ranma leaped straight up into the air, Shampoo hissing and digging her claws in. " GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!" Landing on the ground, and running in panicked circles, Ranma didn't see the figure step in front of her. Nor did she see the figure's arms open.
" Pig-tailed girl!" Kuno sang out with happiness as he watched his red-haired goddess rushing towards him. " I see how you come to greet your beloved, your passion drives you forth-URK!"
Kuno was stampeded over as Ranma didn't even acknowledge Kuno's presence so great was her terror of the pink and white furred demon clinging to her.
"..p-pig-tailed...g-girl.." Kuno repeated woozily. Then he saw a flash of blueblack hair. Regaining his second wind, Kuno dragged himself to his feet. " Akane Tendo!" He stepped forward to greet his second love. " My goddess of the hunt!" Kuno watched Akane approach him, her hands clenched in fists, raised to embrace him. She turned her head towards his, no doubt in expectance of his lips upon hers, her lips open to speak words of love...
" KUNO NO BAKA!!" screamed Akane as she slammed her fist into his stomach before punting him into orbit. Kuno's dazed but blissful countenance disappeared over the horizen. Akane trembled with anger and was about to continue her chase after Ranma when she heard a roar of anguish.
" WHERE ON EARTH AM I NOW!!"
Akane whirled around to see a tall, muscular, bandana-clad boy standing next to a lightpole, attempting to read a map. Up-side-down.
" Akane?" Ryoga's head snapped up. " What are you doing in New Orleans?"
" This is Nerima," she said, smiling at the Lost Boy. Ryoga's confusion turned into pure chaos as he noticed how close Akane was to him.
" N-nerima?" he gulped, as his eyes glazed over.
" Yeah. I'm chasing after Ranma right now though - I caught him with SHAMPOO!" the hurt on Akane's face cleared a path through Ryoga's chaotic thoughts and a familiar anger spread through him. Akane pointed where she was going. " I gotta go. See you later Ryoga!"
Ryoga growled as he watched Akane run off. " You have hurt Akane. RANMA PREPARE TO DIE!!" he howled as he dashed off in the opposite direction Ranma had gone. He hadn't taken two steps when a splash of water struck him. Ryoga reverted to his pig-form and sat there for a minute, in shock. Looking up, he saw the woman with her bucket of water and ladle watering the road. With a piggy squeal of rage, he ran off, intent on hunting down Ranma, this time in the right direction.
A few steps later and he was bowled over by Happaosai who was busy protecting his eyes from a white duck who seemed determined to peck them out. Ryoga shook his head weakly and then froze as he heard familiar sounds approaching. A cloud dust was forming as the group that had rushed off only minutes ago, returned. Only this time, Shampoo was in the lead, having been mysteriously returned to human form. Behind loped Ranma, who was alternately snarling and meowing as she swiped at her with her paws, shredding the objects she kept throwing in her path. Akane was behind Neko-Ranma calling out, " Nice kitty! Here Ranma!"
Ryoga took in the whole scene before he realized something else. Apperently, whoever had turned Shampoo back to human, had neglected to offer her some form of attire. Shampoo ran naked up the street, long purple hair alternately covering her and revealing her. Ryoga fell over in a dead faint, blood spurting out of his piggy nose at the sight of so much female flesh.
Another female appeared behind Akane, a large spatula attached to her bandoleer. " Ranma honey - come back!"
Akane threw her a nasty glare.
" He's not your honey!" Then she resumed the chase. Neko-Ranma had caught up to Shampoo and backed her into a corner where she kept up the growling to keep her from moving.
" You shouldn't have attacked me Shampoo!" Akane complained. " He never would have chased you if you would have just let me change him back to a guy!"
" Shampoo not let kitchen-destroyer near husband!" Shampoo spat out. At her tone Neko-Ranma growled even louder.
" And for Kami's sake, sugar - put some clothes on!" Ukyo tossed a robe at the unclad Shampoo. About to put it on, the troll appeared overhead.
" SWEETO!" Happosai glomped Shampoo, rubbing his head against her chest.
" AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!" Shampoo belted him into Ukyo who had just pulled out her own kettle of hot water. In an attempt to keep the letch from groping her, Ukyo tossed the kettle. The hot water sprayed over the group, returning Ranma to a male, and also splashing the white duck that had followed Happosai. Mousse sat up and dressed quickly, fumbling for his glasses.
" Shampoo! Are you all ri-ACK!" The sight of a nearly naked Shampoo fried his brain cells and he joined Ryoga in a dead faint on the ground.
" Shampoo! Clothes! Now!" snarled Akane. Then her gaze softened as she noticed a black piglet sprawled out next to Mousse. " P-chan!"
She scooped Ryoga up and began cuddling him. Ranma shook his head as his mind returned to him and jealousy clouded his face as he saw his fiancee cuddle her pet, and his rival.
" Heh. poor widdle piggy's been gone so long - where ya been P-chan?" he asked snidely, poking the piglet in the snout. " Did ya get lost?"
Akane's ever-present mallet struck him in the head. " Quiet Ranma - he's not Ryoga, you know!"
Ranma sweatdropped. Shampoo snarled.
" Pervert-girl no attack husband!" She got into a battle stance, the robe Ukyo threw at her swirling around her. Ranma gulped.
" Shampoo, knock it off!"
" Stay out of this Ranma!" Akane got into her own battle stance, blue aura flaring.
" No!" With that said, Ranma scooped up Akane and fled to the rooftop before speeding it out of there.
" Husband come back!" Shampoo cried before following. Mousse sat up and recovered his weapons before leaping after her.
" Shampoo my love! Wait for me!"
Ryoga sat up from where Akane had dropped him when Shampoo had issued her challenge. He crawled over to where some of the hot water had puddled in a pot hole and dove in. Fully human, he dressed in lightning speed.
" I'll protect you Akane!" he shouted as he ran off in the opposite direction. Ukyo was about to follow him when she realized she left the store unattended. She had taken two steps when Happosai reappeared.
" Ukyo baby! No matter the clothes - I know you're 100% woman!" he leered as he glomped her.
WHACK!! Ukyo's kick-ass spatula connected with Happosai and he went sailing off into the distance, cackling dementedly all the while. Ukyo then shouldered her spatula and set off for her restaurant.
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Across the street, the old couple watched Ukyo disappear. The old man turned to his wife and chuckled as the other individual roof-hoppers grew smaller and smaller.
" Guess the entertainment's over for today." His wife laughed as she returned her gaze to the lot in front of their house where the entire confrontation had occured in under fifteen minutes.
" And the council wondered why Nerima is becoming more and more of a tourist area!"