A/N: Welcome to the Clichés Compendium! The Artemis Fowl fandom is just bursting with wonderful, ingenious tales that have left me…should I say, awestruck? . That has prompted me to do a little contribution of my own – hence this compilation of recycled plots. In fact, one of the stories featured is a parody of my own fic (Artemis Fowl: Muggle No More).
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. If this story resembles yours in any way, any way at all, then I am truly sorry. Otherwise, have fun!
Artemis Fowl and Holly Short: A Romance
Artemis Fowl discovers fanfiction.net, and like any other newbie, decides to submit his first story. He writes about something that he has no comprehension whatsoever about (romance), and the story is peppered with verbose words, hidden codes, references to the Fairy Folk, and very graphic descriptions.
He submits it.
Holly Short defies Commander Julius Root's (readers sheepishly realise that Artemis and Holly aren't the only characters in the books) orders and flies to the Fowl Manor to 'spy' on Artemis (though what she really intends to do is known only to Arty/Holly shippers).
Suddenly, she is overcome by hatred for him (love-hate relationship), and for a not-so-unknown reason, Artemis is knocked out cold by a shimmer in the air.
(Readers protest at the story's slow pace, and impatiently skips the next few paragraphs, hoping to find steamy Arty/Holly scenes)
Holly reads his story, realises that it is actually about the both of them overcoming their height/species differences, and falls in love with the story…and its author.
She revives him, Artemis confesses his true feelings, and they both live happily ever after, till the end of their days.
Artemis Fowl and Holly Short: A Tragedy
Artemis: Holly! What…..what happened to you? Your ears are……..wilting?
Holly: I have cancer.
Artemis: That cannot be! I-I'll save you. I've studied every book, participated in every medical online forum, submitted my-
Holly: There is no cure, Artemis. I am dying, and that's that.
Artemis: But you cannot die……..You, Holly, are the only fairy…the only woman that I've come to care for, besides Mother and Juliet.
Holly: Woman? You insult me, Mud Boy. (But her face betrays her)
Artemis: Yes, I consider you an equal. The one who taught me what respect is all about. And love.
Holly: (sobs uncontrollably) I don't want to die, Artemis, I really don't!
Artemis: Does Foaly know?
(Readers once again realise that there are more than two characters in the book)
Holly: He does. But let's not talk about him now. Let's talk about…….us.
(Insert outrageously mushy, heartbreaking, tragic scene here)
Elsewere, Butler dabs his eye with a handkerchief. At least, he thought, Artemis is spending some time with a member of the opposite sex.
Commander Julius Root Reprimands Captain Holly Short
Root: Late again! (Turns purple)
Holly: (Looks rebellious) It wasn't my fault, sir. Somebody dumped a hundred swear toads-
Root: (Turns an even deeper shade of purple) DON'T GIVE ME EXCUSES, SHORT!
Holly: Yessir. But are you, by any chance, practising sexism?
Root: (Turns into something deeper than deep purple) I'll have your badge for this, Short!
Holly: Sure. I resign anyway. Oh, and by the way, your favourite Mud Boy just kidnapped another fairy. I'll leave you and your male employees to deal with him.
Root: (Spontaneously combusts)
Artemis Fowl the Selfless Hero
Artemis: Run, Butler. I'll hold him back.
Butler: …………..Isn't that supposed to be my line, Master Artemis?
Artemis: It's mine now. Everybody knows that I'm the anti-hero, but prefers to romanticize me anyway. Attribute me to qualities that, according to Dr. J. Argon, I do not possess. So here I am, trying to prove him wrong by saving everybody at the cost of my own precious life.
Holly: No, Artemis, no!
Artemis: (Loosens his tie, removes his blood-and-sweat-soaked Armani shirt, non-existent muscles rippling)
Holly: (Swoons, but tries to conceal it)
Butler: (Sticks by Artemis' side, because he's Artemis' sidekick, uh, bodyguard)
Artemis: (Whips out a device constructed of technology way beyond his successors' time and baffles everyone with it)
(Villain enters; he's a guy who is a crossover between Opal Koboi and Jon Spiro (i.e.: Jon Koboi, pointy ears, wears a white linen suit, smart megalomaniac))
Jon Koboi: (Floats in on his hover chair)
Artemis: I shall defeat you for once and for all. And I am not afraid to sacrifice myself, if the situation demands. (Points baffling device at Jon Koboi ala Aragorn) What say you?
Jon Koboi: Indeed? Sacrifice THIS! (Shoots Artemis' torso with a metallic pistol)
Butler: (Whips out his Sig Sauer but is stopped by Artemis)
Artemis: Don't…………kill………..him…………Butler. (Dies)
Butler: (Struggles to come to terms with his ex-principal's death, and tries to decide between obeying Artemis' last wish and his desire to mutilate Jon Koboi)
Holly: (Shoots Jon Koboi, thus killing him and saving the world) Artemis never told ME not to kill him. So there.
Artemis: How did you get past Butler?
Mulch: Never you mind. The story's about YOU, Mud Boy. Take this.
Artemis: And pray tell, what is this medallion-
Mulch: Just take it, D'Arvit! I'm still holding on to your promise that 'we will be unstoppable'.
After the not-so-unpredictable happens…
Foaly: D'Arvit! Somebody just hacked into my higher-than-high tech system!
A cheerleader who was late for practice bumped into a vampiric boy. She had a perfect figure, shampoo commercial-worthy hair and a tattoo on her forearm.
"Who're you, geek?" she asked, and gave him the one-over. She didn't like what she saw.
Artemis raised an eyebrow. He proceeded to spew a string of unintelligible words that consisted of incantations, ancient language, scientific terms, Gnommish, and other words invented by the author herself.
The cheerleader blinked and scuttled away.
In class, Artemis' knowledge put his teachers' to shame. He knew everything that you know, and as Snape would put it, he was the epitome of an insufferable know-it-all.
Somebody ticked him off. The next day, the unfortunate quarterback ended up in the hospital wing. Butler ended up with a bigger salary.
Artemis met a girl who wasn't the least bit intimidated by his superior intelligence. She was spunky, had bright red hair, silver eyes and wasn't afraid to use her fists.
He ended up marrying her after high school because she reminded him of Holly Short.
Artemis: Butler, my life lacks something. I, Artemis Fowl II, am not a slave to emotions, but I just cannot go on deceiving myself!
Butler: Yes, Master Artemis.
Artemis: I know that I have the funds, the intelligence, the fan girls, everything! But there is something missing, something that I cannot put into words, something more than words.
Butler: Yes, Master Artemis.
Artemis: I feel so……….deprived. Perhaps I can find love in a better place. Perhaps.
Butler: Yes, Master Artemis………….NO!! Don't jump! (Starts sobbing violently)
Artemis Fowl and the Great Gadgets.
Artemis steals a glance in Dr. Poe's direction. The man is droning on and on about values, respect, love, and other things that only exist in Utopia.
Amazingly enough, Artemis' head is bowed, and he listens with an attentive look on his pale face.
"You're different, Artemis," beams Dr. Poe. "A changed boy. Tell you what, if you retain your agreeable nature, these sessions will soon be removed from your schedule."
Artemis gives Dr. Poe a sunny smile. "Anything you say, sir."
Dr. Poe reaches out and pats Artemis on the hand. "That's a good boy."
Artemis continues to smile. It is a genuine smile.
"Butler, how is C176-500 doing? Check on him, please. The transaction of the Van Gogh collection in Vienna demands absolute concentration, on my part."
Butler glances at the monitor and nods, satisfied. "The automaton shows no signs of malfunctioning, Master Artemis."
Artemis smiles a chilly smile. "Of course not, old friend," he drawls. "I programmed him myself."
Artemis Fowl and Velleriana Ulrika Monroe aka Mary Sue
Artemis: Who…….who saved me from the Bull Troll? Holly? Is that you?
Valleriana: I am not Holly, but yes, I do have certain powers.
Artemis: Your hair……….I have never seen such lustrous locks! Not even after Mother returns from her weekly Red Door Saloon Treatment at Elizabeth Arden's. Words fail me…….My name is Artemis Fowl, by the way.
Valleriana: Actually, I rinse it with a concoction that I invented when I was seven.
Artemis: You're a chemist? I'm impressed. How absolutely stupendous. You must be my age!
Valleriana: Artemis, I am beyond that. I am an alchemist. In fact, I received a Nobel Prize five years ago for successful transmutation.
Artemis: Will you marry me?
Artemis Fowl: Muggle No More (Harry Potter Crossover)
Artemis Fowl is about to swallow his spring water (Irish, no less), when a large tawny owl appears out of nowhere and drops a letter into his lap.
Butler checks for explosives. There are none.
Artemis gets a visit from Albus Dumbledore, follows the later to a shopping trip in Diagon Alley, and meets the Golden Trio a few months later.
He teams up with Harry Potter to take on Voldemort. Along the way, a Veela falls for him, he beats Hermione Granger during exams, and becomes the newest Slytherin Seeker (the Slytherins are now on a winning streak). Just before his NEWTs, Artemis discovers that he is the true heir of Slytherin (he was adopted).
Daily Prophet Headlines: HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED DIES AT ARTEMIS FOWL'S WAND. HARRY POTTER IS A NO-SHOW.
Dumbledore tries to cheer Harry up by offering him a lemon drop.
Artemis Fowl the Unveiled Superhero (Arty/Holly ship)
Artemis: So, am I that irresistible to the Fairy Folk? It appears to me that summoning me here has become a norm.
Root: Silence, Mud Boy! Get out of my office! NOW!
Foaly: Actually, we need him.
Holly: YOU do. I don't.
Grub: I only get one stupid line, and for once, I want to say something other than 'But Mommy said'!
Root: (Turns an unhealthy shade of -what else? - purple) I was talking to Grub, pony!
Foaly: You weren't. Just admit it.
Artemis: So, (yawns) I take it that your latest villain is, should I say, unstoppable?
Holly: That's right, Arte, uh, I mean, Mud Boy.
Artemis: And you want me to eliminate him with my incontestable intellect?
Holly: Right again, Artemi, uh, Mud Boy. Will you do that? For me? I mean, for the Fairy Folk?
(The other characters realise that this is turning into an Arty/Holly fic, so they quietly leaves)
Artemis: Gladly. I shall 'put him out of the way' because I am absolutely devoted to preserving the secret of your people.
Holly: Oh, Artemis. (D' Arvit! How much he's GROWN!)
Artemis: Yes, Captain Short? (Curses! Why must I be a hormonal teenager?)
Artemis: You too, Captain Short, eh, Holly.
(Insert shamelessly moving, and mushy scene here)
(Butler knows what is going on underground, but decides not to do anything. At least Artemis is finally 'communicating'.)
Artemis Fowl the Gary Stu
He was devastatingly handsome. He had a Swiss bank account. He was intelligent. Girls who were viable of snagging a role in some James Bond movie fell at his feet, even though the ground wasn't the least bit slippery.
He had the mystique and charm of a vampire, and, to put it short, he was as debonair as a certain man who bears the code name of 007. Nobody could resist him, no matter how much they tried.
He was Artemis Fowl.
Artemis Fowl and the Lost Sibling.
Artemis: Who are you? You have Mother's eyes, but you look exactly like Father.
Arthur: What you're trying to say, dude, is that I LOOK LIKE YOU. Now, bugger off. It's my turn to be the rich, caviar-munching, vampiric criminal mastermind.
Artemis: You cannot be my brother. There is no proof to support your fallacious claim.
Arthur: Get out of the doorway, you lunatic! And in case you haven't realised, I AM YOUR TWIN. Still want proof?
Artemis: You…….I have a brother? I really do?
Arthur: (Shakes some life back into his fist as he carefully steps over an unconscious Artemis) What a milksop.
Artemis Fowl and the Sauron Showdown (LOTR Crossover)
Artemis: This is impossible. My time capsule seemed to have malfunctioned. I, where exactly am I?
Holly: You idiot! (Holly somehow always ends up accompanying Artemis on his missions)
Artemis: Astonishing! I……..I recognize the geography. I studied it, in fact. This is Middle Earth.
Holly: Then why the D'Arvit are we in a VOLCANO?!
Artemis: The Valars must have interfered to bring about this whole farce. Perhaps we are expected to play a part in the history of Middle Earth.
Holly: WHAT? Look here, Mud Boy, did you invent a TIME CAPSULE or a SHUTTLE SERVICE to HELL?
Artemis: Shush, Holly, eh, Captain Short. I sense a scuffle….coming from…..THERE!
Holly: Then why are you running in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION?
Artemis: Because…….Oh, let us offer our assistance to Frodo and Sam.
Holly: (Barfs) What's that ugly creature doing, dancing at the edge of- We should help him! He might fall!
Artemis: (Grabs Holly's hand) Don't rush to his aid! He was meant to die! It's the only way for the One Ring to be destroyed!
Holly: (Allows Artemis to hold her hand) But, that's so sad! I cannot let that happen! (Sprints towards Gollum)
And so it came to pass, that the History of Middle Earth was screwed up, thanks to a very compassionate elf.
Foaly: (Shakes his head) Emotional creatures, elves.