Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing. The characters belong to Eoin Colfer. The plots belong to everyone.
A/n: I never parody anything but my own fics. If you see anything here that resembles something that you've written, then I am truly sorry. Otherwise, enjoy!
One day, Artemis accompanies Butler to some random medical check-up and receives more than a bill. While waiting for Butler to return from the bathroom, Artemis finds himself accosted by a nurse. The nurse is concerned about his unusually pale complexion, and suggests that he undergo some X-rays of some sort to find out what exactly was wrong with his (author inserts some random bio-ish terms that sound bombastic, but makes no sense. Ex: To find out what was wrong with his neurotransmitters/what-have-yous)
Readers: That's silly! What does paleness have got to do with X-rays?
Author: Shut up. You're interfering with my logic!
Anyway, the nurse suddenly decides that Artemis should take a blood test, because they X-ray rooms are full. But suddenly….
Nurse: This is strange. You….you have no blood!
Artemis: (Fixes his hypnotic blue eyes on the nurse) I told you not to subject me to your tests. Now, you must suffer the consequences.
Suddenly, Holly Short enters and sees Artemis biting the nurse's neck.
Holly: Oh Frond!
Artemis: Holly, I beg you to stop looking at me as though I am a blood-sucking monster. I pray that you never have to see me like this.
Holly: Oh, Artemis….(starts bawling as she realises that her hopes of riding into the glorious sunset with him are now dashed. Unless he's slathered in sun block, that is.)
Artemis: This doesn't change anything. Holly, deep down inside, you know how I feel. (Insert mushy, cryptic, angsty dialog here)
Holly: About what? (Acts dumb)
Suddenly, the clock strikes midnight. Artemis's eyes turn purple. If he doesn't kill soon, he'll die. Holly decides to sacrifice herself, and in typical dramatic manner, he bites her.
Artemis: I….I feel blood rushing through my veins! Holly, eh, ex-Captain Short, I am cured! I am human again!
Holly: I think the magic in my blood cured you, Mud Boy, eh, Artemis…
And they both ride off into the glorious sunset and live happily ever after.
Artemis the Saint
It's another wondrous day. Female elves are distributing gold to the not-so-poor (albeit rather allegedly good-looking) folks, centaurs are baffling everyone with tech-speak, fathers are spewing moral-laden quotes and Artemis is busy plotting.
Except, of course, that no matter how evil his dastard plans are, they share one thing in common: to promote Artemis as an angsty young man with a good heart but was forced to do evil deeds.
Artemis: I'm sick and tired of being romanticized. You know how it goes – when people start sanitizing everything you say and do, and make you out to be a squeaky clean role model, the rebellious side of you will be impelled to prove them wrong. In my hand, I have a HMX-6754. If the red button is pushed, the world will blow up.
Readers: He wouldn't! Holly's in this world, for Pete's sake!
Artemis pushes the red button. However, everything ends nicely for Artemis because he had created an alternate planet to live on, just in case the original earth happened to blow up.
Readers: He was forced to do that! He had no choice! Arty is just misunderstood…he's actually very courageous, caring and he's just lonely. We blame the parents. (Rush off to write fanfictions which depict Artemis as a troubled teen with a big heart, and glorify his actions through sympathy-inducing stories)
Gold! Obsessed! Artemis
When he was two years old…..
Angeline: Oooh, ickle Artykins, yoo knowie wad dee mostie bea-yoo-tee-fool thingie shouldie be? (Translation: Oh, Artemis, do you know what the most beautiful thing should be?)
Artemis: (Reaches a tiny hand towards his mother)
His hand closes on the locket hanging from her neck. A locket made of gold.
When he entered kindergarten….
Miss Mary: (Phoney bright voice) Class, today you will be painting a picture of something that you think is beautiful. It can be anything or anyone, and later, you can show it to your mother! Isn't this exciting?
Random girl in pigtails: I want to paint Snow White, Miss Mary!
Random boy with freckles: Girls are dumb! I want to paint the aeroplane daddy gave me.
Miss Mary: You're so silent, Artemis. Isn't there something that you would like to paint? A flower, perhaps?
Artemis: There is. Unfortunately, the set of substandard paints provided does not have the appropriate colour that will do it justice. Hence, I shall resume reading War and Peace, and you will not find me the least bit obstreperous.
Miss Mary: (After flipping through the dictionary) Why don't you try telling me what it is that you want to paint? I'm sure I can help you out…
Artemis: (Produces a mirror and hands it to Miss Mary) Please look into the mirror and smile, Miss Mary.
Miss Mary wipes a tear from her eye and looks into the mirror. Perhaps, she thought, there's hope for him yet. She smiles. Her gold tooth glints.
Now, at fifteen…..
Artemis goes on a random mission with Holly. Butler tags along, but his presence is negligible. Suddenly, at the climax, Artemis is shot, and the wound is fatal. Holly discovers that her magic is all used up, and her emergency acorn in lost. This has got to be the worst-case scenario.
Artemis: I can't hold on any longer, Captain Short, eh, Holly…(Note: Holly is no longer 'Captain' after TOD. Readers forget this fact, as they are too engrossed in the much-recycled plot)
Holly: (Voice thick with tears) Mud Boy, you can't die! Please promise me that you'll live…
Logical cynic: Yeah RIGHT.
Arty/Holly fans: Of COURSE he'll live! He must! Right? Right?
Artemis: (Turns away painfully) I…
Butler-cum-interpreter: Actually, Artemis means to say that he likes you very much, and if it weren't for the fact that he's dying, he'd confess his feelings and you'd both live happily ever after.
Readers: Oh, we forgot Arty and Holly aren't the only characters in the book!
Holly: (Tears streaming down) I once asked you what the most beautiful thing in the world is. What is it, Artemis? Just tell me, and I swear to give it to you before you die.
Artemis: Your……gold…. (Dies)
Holly: WHAT! Even at times like this, you're still obsessed about gold? You're unbelievable!
Butler-cum-interpreter: Actually, Artemis means to say 'Your golden heart'. He always thought that that was the most beautiful thing in the universe, and beyond.
Holly: ARTEMIS! (Insert tragic, heartbreaking scene here. Lots of angst, tears and self-hating)
Anyway, Mulch suddenly shows up with an acorn and a pot of earth. Holly plants the acorn, and in no time, regains her magic. She resurrects Artemis, and miraculously, he suffers from no side effects. Needless to say, they both live happily ever after, till the end of their days.
Ahem. Long live originality.