Firstly, I'd like to let you all know I'm quite a religious person. I'm not out to make fun of God! I think God has the greatest sense of humour ever possible! Anyway, this is an alternate universe, so it's not the SAME guy. God's probably a pretty popular name up there... Anyway, for those of you who wish to laugh, have fun and for those who have already decided they hate my story; go away please... your closed-mindedness is cramping my insanity.


Chapter One = Let there be Stuff!

In the beginning, there was God. But there was also boredom, which God had quite a lot of at that time. For God had been existing for eternity and after a few eternities even the most confusing soap opera can become tedious.

And so God said, "Let there be light!"

But there wasn't any light yet, for God had forgotten to flip the switch. And God flipped the switch and there was light! And God look upon the light and saw that it was harmful to the eyes… and that it was good. And God was quite proud of his light and for several hours sat basking in the cancer-giving rays.

And God, after spending quite some time in the bright, but empty universe finally noticed that there wasn't really anything for the light to show. God grumbled and said, "I shall do it later." So God went to bed and awoke, that being the first day.

God, blinded by the new light that morning, stumbled out of bed and in his blindness, tripped on his slippers. So God fell three hundred thousand feet into oblivion. When God finally recovered from the fall, he noticed that there wasn't any ground on which he could land.

So God said, "Let there be a firmament that separates the something from the other somethings." (God was tired; the light had kept him up all night) And there was a firmament and God called it Heaven, after his pet snail Gerry.

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth coconuts, the herb yielding seed, bananas and strawberries with which I can make a banana split with, for I am starving my ass off up here."

And God ate his Strawberry Banana Split and saw that it was good. God also saw it melted in the light, which was beginning to pisseth God off.

And God saw that he had stayed up the entire night of the second day making the Strawberry Banana Split (which he had blessed as holy) and grew annoyed. So God decided to separate the night from the day, just so things would be easier…

So God separated the night from the day, and made the night dark and the day bright because the light was beginning to pisseth him off. And God saw that it was good. And went to bed. But half way through the night, God got up to visit the bathroom. Because there was no light, God tripped on his slippers and fell three feet and landed on his face on the firmament.

God was still pissethed with the light, and so God said, "Let there be another light in the heavens… not as bright this time."

And God hung the lesser light in the night and saw that it was good. So God went back to bed.

On the fourth day, God got up and was exhausted. God looked upon the firmament (which in the middle of the night He decided to call earth instead) and saw that all His plants were dying from the light. God glared at the light, but not for long, for it still hurt God's eyes to do so.

So God said, "Let the earth bring forth abundantly the moving creatures that hath life, so I don't have to watch these stupid plants myself."

And God created the great whales, and every living creature that moveth upon the earth.

And God saw that all the fish died.

And God was pissed.

So God grumbled, "Then stick them in the waters!"

And God saw that it as good. And God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful, and multiply and fill the waters."

And God saw that the great whales and all creature that moveth in the waters did so. And God saw that it was good, though a little boring.

So God went to bed. Thus was the forth and fifth days, for God had slept in late and was late.

And God, on the sixth day, finally awoke and tripped on his slippers as He jumped from bed. God fell three feet and landed on the firmament once again.

And God got up, brushed himself off and decided to do something important today. So God said, "Let there be fire!"

And God burned down a third of the earth's land. And God looked around and pressed the 'undo' button.

And God said, "Nevermind. Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle and every creepy creeping thing that creepeth creepily upon the earth."

And God saw that it was good. God also saw that it was boring…

So God said, "Let there be man, made in my own image to make sure everything I made stays good." God was a little lazy and didn't have time to watch the things He created for his favourite Soap Opera was on.

And God created the man and called him Adam, after the name of his pet snail Gerry.

And God saw that it was good and went to bed. But God couldn't get a good night's sleep because Adam was up all night playing loud Ricky Martin music and eating Strawberry Banana Splits. And God told Adam to "Shuteth up." When Adam was shuted up, God went back to sleep. Unfortunately God was still tired in the morning so he called in sick and stayed in bed.

Thus, the heavens and the earth were finished and all the host within them.


Well, that's it for now. The next chapter will be about Adam's good times on earth... sigh Good times, good times...