Van Helsing: the Microwaveable Pop-Tart Version

Summary: A "slightly" abridged version of the film Van Helsing. In which Gabriel has the intelligence of a swallow, Anna turns into Mufasa, and Carl is unable to distinguish which movie he's actually starring in.

Thanks to Dippy and Pokey for actually going to see this with me. I've learned my lesson, and I'll let you pick the movie next time.

A/N: Due to the fact that this in a very shortened version, shortened being an understatement, of the film Van Helsing, the majority of the script will be dialogue based, with very few descriptions of what's actually going on in the scene. Hopefully you've actually seen the movie and are able to follow along. Just think of it as Shakespeare without the flair.

Sorry if anything seems out of place, but I only saw the movie for the first (and only) time yesterday.


(Scene 1, Frankenstein's Castle)

ANGRY MOB: Rabble, rabble, rabble!

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Hopefully by filming this in black and white, the scene will appear more dramatic.

DRACULA: And hopefully by talking like Antonio Banderas, the audience won't notice how thin this plot is.

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: He's alive! He's alive!

DRACULA: You bore me.

(fight scene interlude, DR. FRANKENSTEIN stabbed)

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I just wish there were someone to carry me into that windmill over there, and hope that it doesn't explode. (abruptly dies)

FRANKENSTEIN: Of course, have the mindless drone do all your dirty work.

(walks into windmill, Tim Burton oversees filming of the explosion)

DRACULA'S BRIDES (Verona, Aleera, and Marishka): We're inexplicably saddened by this loss.

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(Scene 2, Paris)

VAN HELSING (looking at dead prostitute): Do they have me hunting Jack the Ripper too?

MR. HYDE: No, you would be looking for me.

VAN HELSING: The Hulk?

MR. HYDE: Eh, no. But I am evil, as well as bi-polar. That's got to count for something.

VAN HELSING: Well, no point in wasting time with character development.

(takes out Batmanesque gun, fight scene interlude, MR. HYDE dead)

RANDOM MAN: He was supposed to sacrifice himself you ninny. You ruined the whole point of the story, Robert Louis Stevenson is probably turning in his grave.

VAN HELSING: And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling townsfolk.

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(Scene 3, Rome)

VAN HELSING: I'm tired of being the left hand of God, which by the way isn't foreshadowing whatsoever.

PRIEST: That's nice Gabriel, did I mention your name isn't symbolic of anything either?

VAN HELSING: Not in the past three seconds. But back to business, I'm sick of murdering fictional creatures. First the Easter Bunny and now this.

PRIEST: Stop whining, you still have to kill the deadliest of them all.

VAN HELSING: Mariah Carey?

PRIEST: Count Dracula.

VAN HELSING: The muppet?

PRIEST: I don't have time for this, stare at this slide of your love interest for the next few hours.

CARL (the comic relief friar): Hey, H-Dog, want to see all the cool stuff I have that blows up?

VAN HELSING: Okay, but you're coming with me to rescue the lovely princess Fiona. Can I call you Donkey?

CARL: Whatever gets you off.

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(Scene 4, Wooded Clearing)

VELKAN: I guess I should have told everyone about my fear of werewolves.

WEREWOLF: RAWR!

ANNA: Allow me to use my Xena like battle skills without messing up a single curl.

(fight scene interlude, VELKAN and WEREWOLF go over edge of precipice)

ANNA: They took a little tumble off the cliff, must revert to tragic heroine pose #3.

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(Scene 5, Transylvania)

OLD CRONE: Who is that dark brooding stranger?

GRAVEDIGGER: Well, since I technically serve no purpose, I should know. VAN HELSING! I welcome you and your mother to Transylvania.

CARL (falsetto): Thank you, but you can call me Audrey.

ANNA: And you may call me ANNA, warrior princess.

VAN HELSING: I know you, wanna make out?

DRACULA'S BRIDES: Cackle! Cackle! Cackle!

(fight scene interlude, no one important dies… except possibly MARISHKA)

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(Scene 6, Anna's House)

ANNA: I need to be strong, there aren't enough female role models out there for young children.

VAN HELSING: I agree, and not nearly so many with such lovely ra-

CARL: -bbit hutches. (to VAN HELSING) That sounded dirty, didn't it?

VAN HELSING: Just a bit. (to ANNA) Hey look, it's Hugh Jackman!

ANNA: Where!?! (knocked unconscious)

CARL: We can use this to our advantage you know.

VAN HELSING: For a monk, you're a little off.

CARL: Correction, Prince of Ithilien… I mean, friar.

(several hours later)

ANNA (waking up): Why are my clothes on backwards?

VELKAN: I don't know, why do I suddenly have a craving for flesh?

ANNA: You're alive!

VELKAN: And a werewolf. (transforms)

VAN HELSING: What is Robin Williams doing in your house?

ANNA: You idiot, that's my brother.

VELKAN: RAWR!

VAN HELSING: Really? (shoots, VELKAN flees)

ANNA: Please, we have to go save him, he's my brother.

VAN HELSING: Well, I've always had a weakness for girls in corsets.

CARL: Don't listen to him, he said the same thing about me.

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(Scene 7, Frankenstein's Castle)

VAN HELSING: This can't possibly be it, much too ominous and scary.

DRACULA'S MINIONS: Blah blah blah blah Endor. Blah blah blah Chewie.

ANNA: GASP! The Duke is holding my brother hostage.

VAN HELSING: I didn't know you spoke Ewok?

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(Scene 8, Laboratory)

VELKAN: You'll never get away with this! My perfect in every way sister will take care of you!

DRACULA: Sorry, Mary Sues don't frighten me. You however will do my bidding as human lighting rod and bring my children to life.

VERONA and ALEERA: Tell us about it Janet!

DRACULA (singing): I was feeling down in, couldn't win-

VELKAN: HELP!

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(Scene 9, Underground Chamber)

VAN HELSING: So, how do you like your eggs in the morning?

ANNA: Not oozing with green slime, that's for sure.

(VELKAN given electroshock, vampire babies come to life, ANNA tries to save the day)

VELKAN: Get out of here ANNA, save yourself!

DRACULA (still singing): Touch a, touch a, touch me, I wanna be dirty-

ANNA: Fine with me.

DRACULA: Wait GABRIEL! Don't you want to know about your past, and why you bit the ring off my finger, lending me the name nine-fingered DRACULA?

VAN HELSING: No.

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(Scene 10, Contrived Setting)

VAN HELSING: Well, it's a good thing that all of DRACULA'S offspring are dead and CARL is actually getting some.

ANNA: How do you know that?

VAN HELSING: It's in the script. Absinthe?

DRACULA and CARL (on top of each other's shoulders): We're the green fairy.

VAN HELSING: I knew it was a bad idea to hire Moulin Rouge cast members.

(roof gives way)

VAN HELSING: I'm hurt.

ANNA: I'm perfectly fine.

FRANKENSTEIN: I'm the key. Are you the Gatekeeper?

VAN HELSING: No. Are you the plot twist?

FRANKENSTEIN: One of many. DRACULA needs me to bring his children to life and destroy all of humanity.

VAN HELSING: Oh, you're one of those plot twists.

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(Scene 11, Woods)

FRANKENSTEIN: Are we there yet?

CARL: No.

FRANKENSTEIN: Are we there yet?

CARL: No.

FRANKENSTEIN: Have we convinced the audience that the only two good characters in this movie are dead?

CARL: Yes.

VAN HELSING: Good thing we had those magical Transylvanian horses who were able to make it over the bridge. (mumbling) And that I was scratched by VELKAN.

CARL: Good thing ANNA was kidnapped.

VAN HELSING: Shit.

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(Scene 12, Masquerade Ball)

DRACULA: Now that VELKAN and VERONA are dead I have you all to myself.

ANNA: No, Van Helsing will save me.

DRACULA: I don't like other people touching my things!

ANNA: So I've heard.

VAN HELSING: Oh great, now I'll have to kill the Phantom of the Opera while I'm here too.

CARL: You could go after the Invisible Man instead. You can't technically prove that he's not here.

VAN HELSING (looking over crowd): Where's Waldo?

CARL: On the flying trapeze?

VAN HELSING: Why CARL, that's an excellent idea.

CARL: No, it really isn't.

(ANNA rescued, DRACULA pissed off, FRANKIE captured, VAN HELSING turning into a werewolf)

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(Scene 13, Anna's House)

VAN HELSING: CARL, did you find a way into DRACULA'S Lair?

CARL: Of course, but the audience won't understand what we're talking about. Basically, you have to kill DRACULA as a werewolf, and we'll find the antidote to cure you.

VAN HELSING: So to kill a vampire you need a werewolf?

CARL: In this situation, yes.

ANNA: Déjà vu.

(they travel through a conveniently placed plot hole)

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(Scene 14, Outside Dracula's Castle)

VAN HELSING: That was rather pointless.

ANNA: And time consuming.

VAN HELSING: CARL, make yourself useful. ANNA, kiss me.

(they kiss)

ANNA: I have herpes.

VAN HELSING: Great, now I'm a werewolf with herpes.

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(Scene 15, Dracula's Lair)

VAN HELSING: Mustn't turn into werewolf! Can't confuse audience! ::WOLVERINE HANDS:: Can't say that I didn't try.

DRACULA: You killed me… I want my ring back.

(fight scene interlude, DRACULA killed)

ANNA: Here I am from my prolonged hiatus… with CARL!

CARL: Took you long enough to start bleeding.

ANNA: Sorry, delayed reaction. (mauled)

CARL: You killed ANNA!

VAN HELSING (fake shock): Did I? (looking at antidote sticking out of his stomach) Good aim for a dead chick.

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(Scene 16, Hillside)

VAN HELSING: She deserves a decent burial, one befitting her status.

CARL: I'll get the matches.

FRANKENSTEIN (leaving on a raft): Well HUCK, she's burning like the heathen kings of old.

HUCKLEBERRY FINN: Don't worry FRANKIE, we can only hope that Beowulf will save her… Or possibly Pippin.

CARL: Déjà vu.

ANNA (symbolically placed in the clouds): Simba! Simba! Someday all of this will be yours.

VAN HELSING: What, the curtains?

ANNA: You're hopeless.

CARL: The Vatican has another assignment for you.

VAN HELSING: What is it this time, Creature from the Black Lagoon, the Blob, Roseanne perhaps?

CARL: Worse, Orlando Bloom.

VAN HELSING: Bring it on.

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FIN

Well, my purpose was to condense the story, but I got a little carried away. Such is life. Sorry if I took out your favorite scene, but it's the "micro-waved" version for a reason.