Trapped in an Elevator
Disclaimer: I own nothing pertaining to Lord of the Rings.
Author's Note: This turned into the longest chapter I've ever written, but one last Elf had to get stuck in an elevator. You probably know who I mean. Enjoy!
Something strange happened two days ago.
I was walking along innocently through Imladris, when suddenly an Elf asked for my autograph. This never happens. People don't ask for my autograph. They run and hide instead. Could I be becoming popular? Or am I just doomed?
Personally, I think I'm doomed. But I was always a pessimistic Elf.
Thranduil was sitting in front of his computer, checking his e-mails. He loved getting mail. It was so much fun. One of the simple joys of modern technology.
His telephone rang.
Telephones were not one of the simple joys of modern technology. He hated telephones. He hated their piercing ringing noise, and he hated the way they always rang at inopportune moments. You could postpone reading e- mails, but phone calls were harder to avoid.
Thranduil listened as his answering machine came on.
"This is the answering machine of Thranduil, King of Mirkwood. His Majesty is busy at the moment, so don't bother him unless your message is important. (Hint to telemarketers: three day trips to Lothlorien are not important. Go away.) After the beep, you have five seconds to tell him what's wrong."
The machine beeped. Thranduil listened as the caller spoke.
"Hello, Thranduil, this is Elrond. You'll be pleased to know that Elevator C has broken down again, at exactly the time I wanted it to."
Thranduil swooped down on the telephone and picked it up. "Yes? Elrond?"
"I liked your answering machine," said Elrond dryly.
Thranduil was too impatient to feel annoyed. "Well? Did you get him?"
"Yes," said Elrond. "It was time that he got a taste of his own medicine."
"Good, good," said Thranduil, smiling happily at his computer.
"There was one problem, though," said Elrond. "We accidently captured King Elessar, King Éomer and Gimli, as well as a guy called Gamling."
"Oh." Thranduil's face fell. "I guess we'll have to let them out sooner than we wanted."
"Yes," said Elrond, "but I've got the new security camera switched on."
Erestor was thinking rapidly. Who knew that he used the elevator every evening at six-thirty? Elrond. Who was still mad at him for the latest elevator fiasco? Elrond. So who had conveniently placed 'out of order' signs on all the other elevators, leaving Elevator C open? It seemed quite safe to assume that Elrond was the culprit there as well.
King Elessar did not look happy. Elevator C had been in the news quite a bit of late. It was famous for jamming every time groups of important people stepped inside it. And somehow, the groups of important people were always enemies. It was a good thing that the King was a good friend of Éomer.
However, now that he stood there thinking about it, Éomer was not quite a good friend. He was more of a friend who occasionally tried to take over Gondor. Elessar frowned.
Gimli and Éomer had never been the best of friends either, which was not very good. Gimli was editing more 'important documents' and Éomer was scrubbing Merry's graffiti off the walls. Gamling, being a good Rider of Rohan, was helping his king.
Erestor sat down in a corner and pulled out his little notebook.
I see that they caught me fair and square, by playing my own game. But now I don't have to feel guilty anymore! Now I'm the victim!
Obviously, the best course of action is to do nothing. I know how absolutely boring it is to watch a security camera when no one is trying to clobber anyone. I'm generally rather good at avoiding conflict. This might be a test of how good I am, of course, but I'm sure I'll stay alive.
Unless they're trying to kill me.
No. If they were, they would have poisoned my coffee.
Except I don't drink coffee.
Well, they can't kill me, because I'm here with the King of Gondor, and the King of Rohan. They wouldn't dare do something like that.
Unless Elessar and Éomer decide that they want to kill me. I'm outnumbered.
"This is rather boring," said Thranduil gloomily. He and Elrond were watching the security camera together. "I feel a bit sorry for Erestor. No wonder he did something to liven things up."
"Don't talk like that," said Elrond, making himself comfortable. "Erestor is a very wicked Elf. As soon as we get the elevator fixed, we'll put him in jail."
"He did give me the security video without a fuss," said Thranduil.
"Are you making excuses?" asked Elrond disbelievingly. "He was surrounded by armed guards. In that kind of a situation, no one ever makes a fuss."
"But he just walked out afterwards," said Thranduil, "as if he didn't expect us to try and catch him again."
"He's obviously deranged," said Elrond. "End of subject."
I'm going crazy.
I thought that being a security guard was boring. This is extremely boring.
Of course, I have learned that one can be both very bored and very scared at the same time. If someone dropped something, I think I would scream. And that would be very, very embarrassing.
Éomer and Gimli were trying to avoid each other. In an elevator, avoiding someone is very difficult. Éomer focused on rubbing out Merry's writing. Gimli focused on editing his document. It was on a rather touchy subject. Gimli had a feeling that if Éomer saw what he was working on, there would be another brawl.
"What are you working on?" asked Elessar. He was sitting in another corner, looking very bored.
Gimli had an overwhelming feeling of déjà vu. He quickly crossed out the title. "It's a report about the cave-ins that took place this year."
"Oh," said Elessar. He pulled out his handheld and started playing a game of electronic solitaire. "Have you ever been in a cave-in?"
"Once or twice," said Gimli. He edited a sentence so that it read: 'The human fixation with horses is impossible to explain. Humans appear to depend on horses for many things, and would be lost without them. Dwarven experts have a hard time answering the question: Why would anyone care for a creature so large, ferocious and ugly?'
Gimli is editing a report about horses, and I've been reading it over his shoulder. Dwarves seem to have negative views about everything. It's a bit weird.
When Éomer sees this, (I have no doubt that he will), there is going to be a very large and unpleasant fight.
I don't like fighting. I prefer blackmail.
"Nothing is happening," said Thranduil. "It's been an hour and they've hardly even talked to each other! Did you get Glorfindel on the job yet, or are you waiting for a fight to break out before you begin to try and save them?"
"Glorfindel's working on it," said Elrond. "At least, he's working on figuring out why Elevator C has jammed three times in less than two weeks."
"Did you let Erestor come back to Imladris just so that you could catch him?" asked Thranduil, bored. "That's rather devious, isn't it?"
Elrond smirked. "Well, he did ask so nicely. How could I refuse?"
Thranduil glanced at Elrond. "How nicely, exactly?"
Elrond changed the subject. "Would you like some hot chocolate?"
"No," said Thranduil. "How nicely?"
Éomer's fingers hurt from trying to rub out the writing on the wall. When he got out of the elevator, he was going to wring Merry's neck. To think that such a cute little Hobbit could be harboring so much anger against Rohan!
Éomer glanced at Erestor, who was writing furiously in his notebook. He remembered something. Erestor's name had quite frequently been linked to the whole elevator episode. Was Erestor the one who had jammed the elevator?
No. The theory didn't quite make sense. But he'd heard a lot about security cameras.
Then three things happened at once.
Elessar pulled out his pipe and lit it casually.
Gamling read a paragraph from Gimli's report.
And inside Eomer's mind, the pieces suddenly clicked together.
"All right! All right! I'll tell you," said Elrond. "He gave me some money. . ."
"Bribery," muttered Thranduil sulkily, wishing that Erestor had asked to live in Mirkwood.
". . .And begged me to let him have his old job back," finished Elrond, ignoring Thranduil's comment. "I said no, of course. There was no way I was going to let him be a security guard again!"
"So what does he do now?" asked Thranduil, his attention straying from the security screen.
Elrond smiled to himself.
For every action, there was definitely a reaction.
Erestor, shocked at the sight of Elessar wantonly using up precious air, opened his mouth to comment.
Gamling, shocked by the fact that Dwarves disliked horses, headed threatening in Gimli's direction.
And Éomer, shocked by the somewhat mistaken realization that Erestor was the evil mastermind behind his last stay in an elevator, reached out and grabbed the Elf by the hair.
And for several minutes, pandemonium raged.
"Hey! Look at the camera!" yelled Thranduil suddenly. "Look what's happening!"
The scene before them surpassed their wildest dreams.
Elessar was standing in shock, pipe in hand, watching as Gamling and Gimli rolled around on the floor, punching and kicking each other. Éomer had Erestor by the hair and was obviously yelling at him. Elrond smiled happily.
"I suppose I should tell Glorfindel to start working on the problem now," he said. "And maybe we should call for an ambulance. . .just in case."
Erestor yanked his hair free from Éomer's grasp and stood with his back to the wall, eyeing the tall, angry man nervously.
"You locked me in here!" yelled Éomer, stepping over Gimli and Gamling, and facing his foe. "You watched me on your security camera! What happened to the videotape?"
Erestor had no idea. The last time he had seen it, it had been in Mirkwood with King Thranduil.
"I don't know where it is," he said desperately. "I gave it to King Thranduil."
Éomer made a noise somewhere between a roar of rage and a squeak of alarm. "What?"
"I gave it to King Thranduil."
"For money, no doubt!" bellowed Éomer, getting his voice back and putting it to good use.
"Actually, no," said Erestor.
"I don't believe you!" yelled Éomer.
The noise was made louder by the cramped conditions. Sound bounced off the four walls of the elevator and rang in Erestor's ears. Éomer seized Erestor by the shoulders to shake him senseless. . .
. . .and the advisor made use of his last weapon. "I'm an Elf," he said, managing to make his voice steady. "That means I'm from a minority group. If you hurt me, I'll take you to court for committing a hate-crime."
Éomer let go as if he'd been burned.
"How did he do that?" asked Elrond in amazement. "I was sure that Éomer was going to punch him in the face!"
"Same here," said Thranduil, rather relieved. He hadn't quite wanted to see the advisor getting killed. . .especially on a security camera of all places! "Did I hear you say something about hot chocolate?"
Gamling is unconscious, Gimli has a broken nose, King Éomer and King Elessar are all right, and I am going into shock. And my head hurts from having my hair pulled. I am glad that I'm still alive. I thought that Éomer was about to strange me!
I hope Elrond is enjoying his revenge.
The victims of Elevator C lay sprawled around on the floor. Gamling had recovered consciousness a while ago, and Elessar had kept him away from Gimli. Éomer was lying on his back, wondering how in the world Merry had managed to write on the ceiling. Erestor had eventually stopped writing in his diary, but still sat in his corner, miserably pondering his fate. Gimli was considering editing his document again, though it seemed likely that Gamling would think of such a move as a declaration of war. Elessar was smoking contentedly, and not even Erestor had the heart to stop him.
Erestor was first to hear the scrabbling outside the door, since he was an Elf. He crawled carefully towards the sound. They had been trapped for three hours and so he hoped that Glorfindel had come to save them at last.
Someone pried the doors open, and the Men, the Dwarf, and the Elf gazed thankfully at their rescuer. Glorfindel looked very tired and annoyed. He kicked the door, and told the elevator that if it broke one more time, he would personally smash it to smithereens. Then he bowed to the two Kings, and told them Elrond had called for a limousine to take them to their respective countries. He said that he was very sorry, and that it would never happen again. When everyone else was gone, he looked at Erestor. "You're under arrest, you know," he said.
"I know," said Erestor.
It's midnight. I've been in jail for three whole hours. The time went far faster than it did in the elevator though, and I'm thankful for that.
Erestor the Convict is not the most flattering title I could have devised for myself. But my new job in Imladris was running a snack bar, which was extremely unpleasant. I'm quite happy to be here.
Happy to be in jail. It sounds absolutely ridiculous.
I'm not happy at all.
If there was one thing Legolas did not like, it was guilt. He hated feeling guilty. And at the moment, he felt very guilty indeed. He stepped cautiously out of his dinky green sports car, and hurried across the road to the jail. It was raining, which made the scene all the more atmospheric.
He had made a lot of money by selling Erestor's videotape to Celeborn. It was time to put the ill-gotten money to good use.
The prison guard entered the little cell cautiously, wondering if the dangerous assassin/anarchist/traitor/terrorist would knock him over the head with something. But no, Erestor was sitting in a corner again, staring blankly at his notebook.
"Good news," said the guard.
Erestor looked at him wearily.
"Your friend's bailed you out of here," said the guard, smiling his 'good- luck-you're-out-of-jail' smile.
"My friend?" asked Erestor.
"Me," said Legolas.
Erestor smiled as well. "What's Mirkwood like?" he asked.
"It's a great place," said Legolas.
I suppose I'm home now. Legolas smuggled me into the palace and found me a room somewhere. He warned me not to wander around, because I'd probably get lost. You can be very sure that I won't leave this room.
I'm slightly traumatized, mainly because Legolas drives like he's trying to win a race. He's got one great little car though, and it held up well. I was a bit worried when we almost ran over Haldir, but his highness swerved just in time. I think he likes scaring people.
Legolas says that everything will be sorted out tomorrow. Or more, later this morning. I've had a very late night, and now I'm going to bed.
Elrond did not feel vengeful often. But at the moment, he was very annoyed. Somehow, Erestor had escaped from jail. Somehow, Erestor had managed to disappear entirely. Elrond had wanted Erestor locked up forever, but apparently this was not to be.
So the Elf-lord flew to Mirkwood on a private jet, sure that King Thranduil knew more about the whole situation than he let on.
Thranduil was playing a game on his computer when someone rushed, bowing, into the room. "What's going on?" he asked indignantly, quickly closing the game, and trying to look kingly, noble, and hardworking.
"Lord Elrond has just arrived on a private jet!" cried the guard.
Thranduil didn't swear. Not quite. He merely made an irritated noise. He leapt to his feet and straightened his lopsided crown. "How do I look?" he asked.
"Very kingly, your majesty," said the guard.
Thranduil sprinted down the stairs and smashed into his son, who was skulking guiltily in a corner.
"Are you all right?" asked Thranduil, picking Legolas off the floor.
"I'm fine," said Legolas.
They looked at each other for a moment.
"Elrond is searching for Erestor," said Thranduil. "He just arrived in Mirkwood."
Legolas looked very worried.
"You know where he is, don't you?" asked Thranduil.
"Don't tell me. I don't want to know," said Thranduil. "He better not be anywhere near my palace though."
Elrond is in Mirkwood. He's looking for me.
I am listening to Legolas and King Thranduil talking outside the door. His Majesty does not want me to be anywhere near the palace. I wonder what he would do if he knew that I am only a room away?
He would not be pleased.
Thranduil went off to greet Elrond. Legolas burst into Erestor's room and found the Elf writing in his notebook. "We have to leave at once!" exclaimed the prince. "Pack your bag!"
"I don't have a bag," said Erestor calmly, putting his notebook in his pocket. "Where will we go?"
Legolas thought for a second. "The mall!" he said finally. "They'll never look there."
Once again, they dashed to Legolas's sports car. Legolas drove to the mall at a terrific speed.
He was going to park the car when Erestor said, "If anyone spots your car in the parking lot, they'll know exactly where we are."
Legolas frowned, then smiled. "Hang on tight," he advised. "I've always wanted to do this."
Erestor did not look happy, but he clung to the seat.
Legolas drove up to the automatic door at the entrance to the mall, and it opened. He drove inside.
"What are you doing?" asked Erestor, no longer calm. He was terrified.
Legolas swerved around a fountain and a group of shoppers. "They always have cars in malls!" he shouted. (He had to shout because everyone in the mall was screaming and running for the stairs.) "I used to wonder how they got them in there."
Erestor watched the shops flit by. His eyes were wide.
Legolas drove under a bunch of palm trees. Erestor ducked.
Legolas hit a loose floor tile. The car, which had been going quite fast, flew into the air.
"This is crazy!" cried Erestor.
"Don't worry! Weird things are always happening here!" yelled Legolas, his blond hair flying behind him. He looked demented. "No one will notice!"
"They're noticing!" said Erestor.
Legolas drove around a corner and into a display of videos. Erestor got knocked on the head. "I think we should stop now," he said.
Legolas braked, parking the car in the middle of the aisle. The two Elves got out. Erestor was traumatized for life.
"Now, where should we hide?" asked Legolas.
Erestor was trying to breathe again.
"How about this store?" Legolas suggested, pointing to a sign that said 'Sam's Horticulture Shop'.
The store was bursting with tropical plants. It felt like a rainforest. To add to the atmosphere, someone had filled the shop with steam.
"Wow, look at this!" said Legolas, who was staring a huge plant.
"That's a Venus Fly Trap," said Erestor. He poked it and it tried to bite his finger off.
"I guess we'll just wait here," said Legolas.
Elrond and Thranduil looked at each other.
"Are you hiding Erestor?" asked Elrond, who believed in being blunt.
"No," said Thranduil, who also believed in being blunt.
They looked at each other some more.
"Is Legolas hiding Erestor?" asked Elrond.
There was a moment of silence.
"Why do you want Erestor anyway?" asked Thranduil curiously. "He's not a criminal."
"Oh, yes he is!" said Elrond firmly. He started counting Erestor's crimes on his fingers. "First, he threatened to poison your coffee. Second, he illegally sold Legolas a videotape of you punching Gimli. Third, he gave you an illegal videotape of me trying to kill Celeborn. Four, he ran away from justice. Five, he tried to bribe me. Six, he got out of jail again. Somehow. We have proof that he is a spy and an anarchist! He's definitely a criminal."
Thranduil was slightly taken aback. Elrond had a long list. The king wasn't sure if all the offenses named were actual crimes, but maybe the law in Imladris was stricter. And it was true. Erestor had threatened to kill him.
"And what about your son?" asked Elrond, who did not know to quit when he was ahead. "He sold the videotape to Celeborn. He's a traitor."
"Now, wait just a minute!" Thranduil was really mad. "Are you insinuating that my son is a traitor?"
"Not insinuating," said Elrond. "Stating."
Erestor and Legolas were eating a late breakfast in the food court. Erestor did not feel hungry.
"I'll never be able to go back to Imladris," he said, staring gloomily at the mess of 'food' on his plate.
"I won't be able to go home," said Legolas.
The two Elves sighed at the same time.
"Why can't you go home?" asked Erestor after a moment.
"I'm a traitor," said Legolas. "And anyway, I helped you get out of jail."
Erestor looked at Legolas. He had never much liked the prince, but now they were in the same boat. They were both criminals. And Legolas wasn't as bad as he'd thought.
"You know," said Legolas slowly, "we could work together."
Erestor lifted his head. "Really?"
"Think of the things we could do!" said Legolas, getting excited. "We're outlaws now! I could steal from the rich and give to the poor! Like Robin Hood!"
"Legolas," said Erestor, "you're rich."
Legolas subsided. "Right."
"But I liked the idea. . ."
"Is Elrond out of the Infirmary yet?" asked Thranduil impatiently.
The nurse smiled. "We just finished bandaging his arm."
Elrond stumbled out of the Infirmary. His arm was in a cast. Thranduil had the grace to look apologetic. "I'm sorry I broke your arm," he said.
"No problem," growled Elrond. "But I want you to know something, Thranduil. I will not rest until I've caught Erestor!"
"You sound like a villain," said Thranduil. "Like the villain in some overly-dramatic movie."
Thunder rumbled overhead.
Elrond glared at the Elvenking. His eyes sparkled dangerously. "And if your son is helping him, I'll have him arrested as well, prince or not!"
Thranduil frowned. "Elrond. . ." he began.
Elrond strode to his private jet, his robes flapping in the wind. His face was set.
"Why does Legolas always have to get in trouble?" Thranduil asked no one in particular.
Isn't it amazing? Three weeks ago, I was just your ordinary security guard. And today, I'm an outlaw.
Legolas is taking this very seriously. We are currently purchasing 'outlaw equipment'. He says that he can hardly wait to be like Robin Hood. He is a good archer, I guess.
I asked him what I would be. He said, "Little John." I'm still unsure if that was a compliment.
I know that Glorfindel would make a great Will Scarlet.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to this new adventure.
Legolas was buying 'outlaw equipment'. He glanced at Erestor, who was still scribbling away in his notebook. "Erestor," he said. "Are you ready for this?"
Erestor actually grinned. "Of course," he said.
Deana- I'm glad you're enjoying this! I tend to write humor a lot more than angst/action/adventure.
Ainu Laire- Thank you! (Spiffy is such a cool word.)
Elfobsession2931- It wasn't quite the end! I decided to write some more, just so that Erestor could get what was coming to him. And I liked what you said about the different side of Legolas. I like making him slightly evil. He's more interesting that way. Glad you enjoyed!
Dalamar Nightson- Hmm. . .I forgot that Gimli was Legolas's best friend. You're right. He probably would have been a bit more concerned. I'm glad that you still enjoyed my story, even if Legolas wasn't quite canonical. And by the way, cool name.
Athena Diagon Cat- As you can see, Glorfindel won't confess to how he set his hair on fire. And Erestor loves his job! It's just extremely boring. Thanks for reviewing!
Elven Kitten- O.o I love your little faces. Though I must admit, I now imagine you with large bugged-out eyes. Thanks for reviewing!
Simply Sara- Thank you thank you thank you. I'm not sure what else to say, but I'm glad you're enjoying this story!
Coolio02- I had fun writing Erestor's diary. I also had fun figuring out good or bad (or just plain explosive) combinations of people to get stranded in an elevator. Thanks for reviewing!
Barbara Kennedy- Well, I suppose it did suddenly turn into a series. And I'm very glad that it's better than some of the stuff on TV. Thanks!
Lutris- I know you like Erestor, so I'm glad that you enjoyed his comments. I'm also glad that you didn't mind him being a bit mean. Thanks for reviewing! I hope that you update your own stories soon. : )
Uineniel- You were very right about Elessar. I went back and fixed that mistake. It's a bit embarrassing really. And someone agrees that coffee is deadly! That knowledge makes me feel very happy.
Terreis- Aha! A poor Erestor! Someone sympathizes with him! You're welcome, I'm always happy to make people laugh. Thanks for reviewing.
IrethAncalime3791- The Thranduil and Gimli situation was just too tempting. I'm glad you liked it. And you better watch out. Gandalf might be annoyed because you're a self-acclaimed Maia. Thanks for reviewing.
Mantuar Beeblebrox-Lupin- Just when I thought that you couldn't get a harder-to-type-out name, this happened! It's cool, I just wish it was about ten letters shorter. : ) Tell Grima and Faramir not to worry. I don't actually need a sacrifice. And you're right. I'm very mentally unstable. Thanks for reviewing! It's always nice to hear from you.
crazy-haldir-fancier- I think that's a good sign. . .
MrPadfoot1- Erestor is a troublemaker. But I like him anyway. Thanks for reading and reviewing! Here's your update.
Still Anonymous- I didn't know that HASA took parodies. I forgot that you liked horses so much. I hope you weren't offended by Merry's comments. And someone reads my bio! That's a good thing to know. (I'll have to stop writing embarrassing stuff on it.) Thanks for your VERY encouraging review.
Bookworm2000- Someone else who'll never look at elevators the same again! On Sunday, I had an opportunity to take an elevator. I didn't. I used the stairs. So I definitely agree with you. Thanks for reading!
Celadrian- Exactly. Poor Erestor is just trying to make people's lives more interesting. You summed it up very nicely. Here's your update and thanks for reviewing!
One Last Author's Note: I was going to put the car scene in Mirkwood Mall, but I never got a good chance to do it. Fortunately, it came in useful here. And by the way, I'm planning on a sequel to this story, so look out for it. Bye!