Disclaimer I don't own Inuyasha or any related characters.
Dialog "Meep meep meep."
Thoughts Meep meep meep, flashbacks, text within the story
Author's note This fic does contain quite a deal of profanity, some sexual situations, and then the whole issue of suicide. If you're old enough to read fan fics than I suppose I shouldn't put this warning up but there's always some idiot out there ready to report ya. Any way, I write around 8 pages per chapter and try to update at least once a week. As for the story, I hope you'll like it. If anyone has ever read Crimson Tears I believe they will enjoy this one much more. Also, before each chapter I'll be putting song lyrics and if you really like the song you can check out my webiste, just IM or email me for the web adress the link doesn't want to come up at the moment. The site doesn't have much on it yet, but it will have all the songs featured in the fic. The first one is already up. I hope you enjoy the story. I look forward to seeing your reactions.
Long Way To Fall,
By Autopilot Off
Eyes Fixed and Dilated
Stuck Staring out
So jaded and frustrated
Dragging you down
You can only see so much when you're relying on your
There's an instinct inside everyone
It's the engine and the drive
It's a Long way to fall
once you lose all those aspirations.
It's a Long way to fall
What I've got in my heart and my head
I won't give it away because it's all that I am.
So listless, indifferent, distant and cold.
No feeling, no meaning.
Stuck in a hole.
Leave your ideals with your memories like they're
something you've outgrown.
And the days go by you're paralyzed and you slowly
turn to stone.
If you're reading this note now, than I have already killed myself. I apologize for my actions and I'm sure that you couldn't possibly understand, father...Kohaku. But listen to what I have to say in this note and maybe you'll forgive me, maybe.
I never intended to hurt either of you, but I am my own person and live my life by the decisions I make for myself and by myself. They say that suicide is a coward's answer to life's problems, but I would disagree. It's right to put asleep an animal when it's suffering, so I can't understand what the difference would be if it were just people. That is to say, if I don't want to live, then why should I have to? I'm not insane and I'm not being childish. I'm nearly an adult now, and I'm old enough to know what my actions may cost myself as well as others.
My reasons for this are simple. It may sound stupid and stereotypical to just say I'm lonely and seeking a way out of life, that is part of it, I suppose. Ever since mom died I could never forgive you for your negligence of Kohaku's needs and mine. How many nights do you think I've cried myself to sleep upon hearing you sob all night, pining for mother to come back. How lonely did you think I must have felt?
You were never a bad father I don't think; I just didn't know how to be your daughter. I never knew what you wanted or what you expected of me. I always tried to be the best little girl I could. To prove to people that I was okay, that WE were okay. But we never were. Not completely at least. Or, I NEVER was. There's this hole in the pit of my heart that I've long tried to mend. You do it with burying yourself with work and avoiding home by going out on dates every chance you get, Kohaku by trying to act tough and well adjusted by going along with everything you say and do, when really he's a pampered scared little boy afraid of you leaving him, and me, well, I just stopped giving a damn.
It seems pointless now to tell you the things I've done to close my wounds. Whether it be cutting classes, not eating for days on end, or just lying in my room tearing things up that remind me of things I hate. Some of those may come to a surprise to you. They shouldn't. I'm not as happy as I tried to pretend I am, nor as well adjusted. People are like that. We all hide behind our masks and shield all our pain and suffering away from others, so as not to shame ourselves. I guess killing myself should be the ultimate shaming but for me it doesn't feel that way. It feels like freedom, an escape. I know cowards escape from their problems, and I am a coward.
While I realize it doesn't explain much I hope you'll understand my reasons for doing this. Knowing you, you probably won't, but I can't concern myself with that. It's your choice whether you ever forgive me or not...or whether I can ever truly forgive myself. Tell Kohaku not to forget me, as well as hate me. It would really tear up my heart to hear that he hates me after all this. Please understand, I'm going nowhere and I'm doing nothing. My life is a waste. I'm a waste.
So please, father, let me rest in peace for now on. I'll finally be able to be with mother. That woman you love so much will be there to help you heal. I realize I've left you a terrible burden and I apologize.
Good luck and good-bye.
I love you,
"It's been several hours since I wrote that damn suicide note, yet I haven't killed myself yet," she whispered. "How sad. How sad am I to not be able to go through with a simple suicide!?"
Sango's eyes seemed to glisten with an intense anger as she glared angrily down at her shaking hand. She could feel her palms sweating and her heart racing. "Why?" she cried. "Why can't I do it?" She clenched her fist tightly in her disgust and anguish. "I'm so pathetic."
The wind blew swiftly across the roof of the school building. Sango's figure sitting in the corner, her legs tucked into her chest and her head buried within her arms. Faint sounds of muffled cries could be heard as she contemplated her suicide and all that would be gained, as well as lost.
Will it be worth it, she asked herself. Or will it just be another mistake in the long list that is my life? I don't want to live with such regret.
Thoughts of her unhappy childhood ran back to her, all the memories she had fought so desperately to forget. It was as they say, you forget what you want to forget. But now, now they all seemed to be rushing back to her as she readied herself for the ultimate undertaking.
Her mother's death, her father's grief and pathetic behavior, the scornful looks of her relatives, the job of taking care of her brother, and all the shame, ridicule, and pain that came with her responsibilities. Life for her was never anything pleasant and the words of her dying mother and hateful family lay heavy on her heart.
"Sango," her mother whispered, "come here dear, there is something I need to tell you."
A small girl, only around the age of 9 approached the hospital bed. A pale fragile ghost of a woman was lying there, ready to face her death. "Yes mother," the girl managed to choke out. "What is it?"
"Come close," she rasped.
Sango did as she was told and stood right at her mother's bedside. Her hand reaching out to her mother's and held it tightly. "Momma," she whimpered.
Her mother squeezed back as hard as she could, giving her best support. "You have to be a strong girl now, Sango. Mommy won't be getting better. You're going to be the woman of the house now and take care of Kohaku and daddy while I'm gone."
Tears flooded the young girl's cheek. In the depths of her mind she knew what was going on but wished not to accept it. "No, don't say such things. You'll get better, I know it."
A tiny smile spread across the woman's thin lips. Her face was beginning to loose color and it seemed she would soon die. "You're momma's little girl, and you're very strong. I love you very much, and I want you to do whatever makes you happy in life."
"Happy?" the girl questioned. "All that I need to be happy is YOU."
She shook her head. "No, it'll be alright, I promise. No matter what happens I'll be with you."
"Really?" she asked, her voice cracking.
This time, no response came. She was dead. Her grip grew limp in Sango's hand and her soft breathing had ceased. She had passed on. At first, she could hardly believe it. She begged and pleaded for her mother to come back but nothing worked. No matter what she tried her expression remained the same, an eerie smile of a worn woman. Her hands trembled as she tried to shake her mother awake again but she wouldn't wake.
Sango soon began to cry, shaking her mother vigorously while doing so. "Momma," she called. "Momma!" It was over.
Eventually, a nurse came in and saw the condition of the poor woman, and her little girl. Her head was pressed against her chest, and she was sobbing uncontrollably, whispering, "come back, momma, come back. I still need you. Come back."
A deep pit of sorrow for the girl grew in the nurse's heart as she saw her whispering to the dead woman. She walked over and gently removed her from the tight grasp she had over her mother. As beset she could she led the little girl out of the room and back into the lounge. Her father was there, pacing around, worried. Her brother sat quietly with a sad expression on his face. He was only four but still had some understanding as to what was going on.
Other relatives were there as well, her aunt Sonoko, uncle Takadia, and cousins Lynn and Kazuya. They all seemed to wear the same tired weary expressions on their faces. As if to know this was the day she would die. It was an unsettling sight to behold such a worried emotional family. It always hurt the worse giving people such awful news.
She led Sango over to a chair next to her brother and went to talk to her father. She whispered something silently into his ear and the tears quickly began pouring out. He covered his hands over his face and sat down, sobbing. His body shook as the cries poured out of him.
The rest of the family seemed to get the idea by her father, Tetsuya's, reaction that a dear member of their family had died; yet the tears did not seem to spill out. Their expressions remained the same. Empty.
They seemed to be more mystified by Tatsuya's reaction than anything else. It was difficult to see such a man as strong as him break down and cry as he did. None of them really liked Sango's mother and found it difficult to even come and support Tetsuya. When they had married they were young and reckless and defied many of the families wishes for him. Sango's mother had no family, no one else to mourn her death. Sango and Kohaku were the last remnants of her family, the family she had created with Tetsuya, but now, for him, that seemed like a lost matter.
Kohaku watched in a confused state as his father cried, and Sango sitting next to him tried to hide her own tears and sniffles. "What's going on?" he pleaded. "Why is everyone so sad?"
"Mommy is dead," replied Sango, quietly.
She nodded, unable to speak.
"Will she ever come back?"
While Kohaku didn't understand fully he knew enough to know that his mother wasn't there now and could feel the sadness resonating from his father and sister. He too began to cry. Cry and sob just as much as Sango, till his eyes became red and puffy.
Sango's relatives on the other hand still had not felt too sympathetic towards Tetsuya's plight as well as that of the state of his children.
Sonoko whispered to her husband Takadia quietly, "See, he should have listened to us. Something bad like this was bound to happen."
"Yes, I agree completely. It's a shame though, that Sango and Kohaku must suffer like this. It's not their fault their father chose a vulgar and impure woman like her for a wife."
Arrogantly she nodded her head. "Indeed, such a shame. And even now Tetsuya disgraces himself like a little girl, in front of his poor children no doubt."
"It's utterly disgusting," he spat.
"What are you guys talking about?" Lynn interrupted.
"Nothing," replied Sonoko. "It's just really such a shame about this whole incident. Those children will probably be scarred for life now."
"That's what Tetsuya gets for defying the family's wishes," added in Kazuya. "If he had only listened to the elders none of this would have happened."
"Most definitely," agreed Takadia. "I can hardly stand to look at my poor pathetic brother, let alone his misfit children. I can see that blasted woman's eyes in Sango's, truly eerie."
"Hush," said Sonoko, as she noticed Sango's presence behind them. She turned to her and asked angrily, "What is it?"
Sango quivered as she tried to make the words come out. She couldn't say anything and ended up running away, down the hall, running as fast as her legs could carry her. She covered her ears and shook her head, thinking of all the spiteful and hateful things that had been said about her mother. She'd been there the whole time. She heard everything. And she wanted desperately to disappear and escape from the evils that she was forced to face.
It had been long past that episode and was eight years later. Sango was seventeen, a senior in high school and now ready to kill herself.
It's funny how things work out, she thought. The irony of my family's words. I guess, I am always what they thought me to be. Just no good, completely rotten.
For most people it would be odd to say such a thing but ever since that incident with her mother Sango's alleged family hadn't been at all supportive. They derived more pleasure in making bets about how long her little dysfunctional family would actually hold up before breaking down.
It was her life's mission almost to prove her family wrong and really make something of herself. To prove what a good person she was, as well as her mother and father. Yet, it seemed fate had wanted to intervene and the task became more and more difficult as her father slowly slipped away from her and her brother had grown to be winy and spineless. As if to test her further her father began going out with all sorts of strange women that Sango never liked and always tried to be her mother and now had a steady girlfriend. One for which she feared that he may even marry.
Such an unpleasant thought truly frightened her. But I guess it doesn't matter now. I'm going to die today and that's all there is to it.
The memories that she had fought so hard to repress seemed to have left her once again, and she was able to stand up and get out of her fetal position she was in. Walking over to the ledge of the building she looked down from atop the roof.
She was a good ways up and the pavement below was sure to instantly kill her. It would be a most bloody way to die but effective nonetheless. She couldn't actually imagine cutting her wrists or hanging herself, poison didn't sound like a great idea either, so flinging herself off a building would do. She was only in high school and she already had the luxury of deciding how she would die. What a life.
She gulped and raised her head from the ground and looked up at the sky. It was hazy out and the sun didn't seem to want to shine that day. It was an ironic end for her. Her heart began to pound as she gripped the ledge of the building a little tighter, slowly preparing herself to just push herself over and that would be the end of it. Still, it was hard to imagine dying that way but life seemed to be giving her, in her mind, no other options. It was a stupid thought, but Sango hadn't realized it, not yet anyway and soon it would be too late. Drawing in what she believed to be her last breath she closed her eyes and tightened the grip she had on the ledge. Good-bye father and good-bye Kohaku. I hope you live a good long life. Sorry that I won't be there to see it...and mother, I'm coming.
Keeping her eyes closed she pushed off the ledge ready to feel the sensation of plummeting towards the ground. At first, she could feel her body dipping over the edge but then something caught, and she could no longer feel herself moving. Her heart was still in knots and it was hard for her to make out what had happened. She only knew this: She wasn't falling and that something warm, and very strong, was holding her back.
The eyes she had shut so tightly before jumping were now open and she could see the ground just beneath her, and herself hanging just over the edge. She also noticed the strong pair of arms that had enveloped her and were the cause of her not falling.
She was suddenly cut off by a boy's voice whispering into her ear, "Dangerous hobby you've got here. If you're not careful you may hurt yourself."
Everything had happened so fast and she was barely able to comprehend the words coming from his mouth. "I..."
"I think that you're life is just a little too valuable to be thrown away like this."
Anger, that was what she immediately felt after hearing that statement. She jammed her elbow into his gut and walked a short distance away from him, irritated. "Who do you think you are? You had no right in doing that!"
The boy's face looked pretty pained after that blow that had connected right with his stomach, but he remained resilient in the fact that what he did was indeed not wrong. He smiled as he spoke; savoring what point he was trying to make, "For what, saving you? Most people are grateful when someone does something for them. You should be a little more gracious."
Gracious? Gracious! The anger within her was begging to rise as her sincerest wishes could not be met and now the guy wanted a 'thank you'. "I didn't want your help. Couldn't you see that I wanted to die?"
Nodding slowly he said, "It doesn't matter what you think you want. What matters is, that you're alive and can still realize your mistakes."
"Maybe it wasn't a mistake for me!" she snapped angrily.
"I don't think I can believe that. A life holds so much more value than to be just thrown away. You won't ever come back, ever."
Sango's anger seemed to have dissipated but now a whole new wave of sadness over took her. "Maybe," she whispered, "I didn't ever want to come back."
His face saddened at the girl's confession. "Then I feel sorry for you. But you're not a lost cause."
"Aren't I?" she questioned. "Do you think you some how know me?"
"No...But I could." He reached out his hand to hers, intending for her to shake it. She didn't and his face downcast a little bit. "Fine. No handshake. My name is Sayama Miroku, it's a pleasure."
The mistrust in Sango's eyes hadn't disappeared but for whatever reason her voice defied what she believed to be her wishes and she answered him. "Moriyama Sango."
End of chapter
Sorry that the chapter was so short, but I wanted to leave it in an all right spot of the second. I plan on updating again fairly soon. I really am enjoying writing this fic already and want to update as much as possible. Well, I hope you enjoyed it and I'll be happily waiting for any reviews. Flames are allowed but please base it on something to go on and not just, "this sucks." Morons say that, and you are obviously not a moron...Hopefully. oh and also know that in the Japanese school system there are only eleven grades and not twelve, that's why Sango is a senior at 17, thank you. Lots of love to ya guys, and I should be seeing you soon hopefully.