Deep Desires

by P.A. Lovas

                You're nothing like you should be. Demons…we're supposed to be cold, calculating…intimidating to say the least. Yet you go beyond all that. You're fierce through your clumsiness, devious through your innocence. I shake my head, muttering of your stupidity…or maybe of my own. I push myself against a tree as I gaze up, watching as you stretch across the branch you're lying on. I've watched you enough, know you well enough, to know you're thinking quite hard. The signs are all there. The fingers toying with a lock of hair, and way you're biting your lip. If I were able, I would see a far away, almost dreamy look in your eyes. My own eyes burn into you as I watch, yet I know you feel nothing. You're far to involved with your own thoughts to notice. To involved with Nei to care.

                Why him? Why, out of everybody you could have, did you fall for him? My fists clench at my sides as I swear under my breath. My entire existence is here to protect you, to make sure nothing will hurt you. And yet, you fall for the one person who can do only that. Why? Sometimes I want to shake you, just to get a straight answer out of you. Why him? Why not me?

                I shake my head, sighing as I push forward, walking to your "hiding place". I don't have to look to know that wherever your gaze is riveted, Nei would be standing there, probably just as oblivious as you are. Or maybe just not caring. I can't help the small victory that wells inside me as I look into your face to see the whimsical look I predicted would be there. You see? I know you better than anybody. That's why you should be mine.

                "Zaha," I call out, rolling my eyes as you jump in shock and topple from the branch. I shake my head at the tiny noises that brush past your lips, and I offer my hand down to you in assistance. My heart reels as you slap it away in refusal. I open my mouth to say something when I notice your stance. Arms crossed, a small smile hidden within a pout, and I find myself fighting back a smile of my own. I reach down, and taking you by the shoulders, heave you to your feet. You're so juvenile sometimes. But then again, I realize as you grin brightly at me, that's one of the reasons I love you.

                "How did you find me?" you ask, while you brush the dust from yourself.

I give a small shrug, grousing as the answer fell from my lips. "It's not that hard, really. Just find Nei and…" I finish by extending my finger skyward. You missed the malice that laced the words. You must have, because you offer a sad, hopeful smile, and I know you're thinking about him again. Idiot, I want to shout at you. I fight the urge, because that's not what I really want to say to you. I want to say something that will make you look at me in that way. That will make you smile at me so hopefully.

A small choking sound pulls me from my thoughts, and I'm startled to see twin trails of moisture running over your face. My heart reacts immediately, and I pull you into my arms, trying to offer whatever comfort I'm able. How can you not see, I silently explain, that he's hurting you already. But I would never say that. Not to you. I know it would only make you cry harder, and I hate it when you cry. Every crack in your voice is echoed on my heart, and every sob is proof of my own failure. And yet, you're beautiful when you cry, and I can't help but wish that you were crying for me.

All too quickly, your tears subside and you let go. I can't help but notice as you pull back how cold it suddenly has become, and I repress the urge to pull you back to me. I simply watch as you rub at your eyes, small hiccuping sounds falling from your mouth as you try and regain your composure. You look so small standing there like that. So fragile. I force aside my own doubts, and reach out a hand, pushing your arm from your face. There's no reason for you to be ashamed, I want to tell you. But the words refuse to form, so I just watch you, offering a tiny smile of reassurance.

I'm almost shocked when you stare back, your eyes searching mine, looking only at me. Your eyes are beautiful, as light and honest as you are, and I silently wish that this moment wouldn't end. But as always, you quickly loose patience, and you pull your gaze from mine. I swear under my breath as your eyes follow the same path as before, looking for him again. Always him. Always.

I'm startled as you gasp, and before I can ask what's wrong, you yank yourself from my touch. I can only watch as you take off running, the pain in my fingers magnifying the pain in my chest. I simply stare at your receding back, turning away before you reach your destination. "Just don't hurt him," I whisper into the wind. "Just please don't hurt him."

AN: Well, it's not much, but here it is. This fic was written for somebody at the Kohri ML, who asked for a Gieß fic, and since I had that Zaha one before it, I figured, "what the hell". I'm not exactly sure how accurately this portrays Gieß (actually, I'm pretty sure it's INaccurate ;), but I'm an avid Zaha watcher, so I think at least something in here has to be correct. I know it was asked for a fic involving the situation between Gieß, Zaha, AND Nei, but I honestly don't think Gieß gives a whole lot about what happens to Nei when it doesn't concern Zaha, or it's not a direct threat on Nei's life. I mean, how concerned would YOU be about your romantic rival? ;

Email me: suliabogardaol.com (makes whimpery puppy-dog face I need mail. I need it like I need to breathe).