Who Stole the Mayonaise?

A RahXephon fanfiction story

By Patrick Huu

Summary: Humor fic. Don't we all know and love Haruka's odd eating habits? Mayonaise on rice, ketchup on shrimp fries – yes, she did get that idea from Ayato – and sugar on…whatever it is she eats for dessert. Whatever it is, I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to have sugar. Anyway, someone stole Haruka's Mayonaise, and all stores are on a Mayonaise shortage. Will Ayato and RahXephon be able to save the day once more?

Who Stole the Mayonaise?

            "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" The scream resonated in the small house that sat on the top of the cliff on Nirai Kanai. The inhabitants of the residence ran together at the scream, fearing the worst…maybe a MU invasion, or a death, or something equally dire. Maybe TERRA had discovered an army of incoming D-1s. Ayato scrambled as he fell of his chair and rushed out the door of his room.

            When he reached the kitchen, where the scream had originated from, he found Haruka collapsed over the small table. "Haruka-san! Haruka-san! What is it?" He carefully rolled her over and saw the horror in her face. Ayato gulped. If she was that shocked, something terrible must have happened. The total look of shock in her eyes was terrifying for him.

            Rikodou arrived from the porch. He shot one glance at his niece and one around the kitchen, then turned away to resume reading the newspaper. Megumi did the same, then left, shaking her head. Ayato, however, was still trying to find out what had caused his friend such shock. "Haruka-san! Come on, tell me! What's going on? What's wrong? Haruka-san!"

            "We're…" she whispered. "What?" Ayato leaned in closer to hear. He blushed slightly at their closeness, but his curiosity overcame his fear, and he leaned a bit closer. "It's gone…" Ayato frowned. "What's gone? We're what?"

            "There's nothing we can do…"

            "Haruka-san, you're not making sense!"

            She pointed at a cupboard. "It's gone…" she whispered again. "We're all out of Mayonaise…"

            Ayato nearly facefaulted. Actually, he did. But the presence of Haruka right in front of him prevented him from falling completely over. So, instead of landing on the floor, he landed right on top of her. In an instant, every single occupant of the house was back in the kitchen doorway, peeking in. Megumi had a flustered look on her face, Rikodou-san looked smug, and Bushi the cat just…err…looked like cats always do.

            "Out of Mayonaise? That's the big problem????" Ayato groaned. This woman sure had some weird problems…He hauled himself off Haruka and started to leave. On his way back to his room he ran into Megumi. "Say…what is it with Haruka-san and her Mayonaise?"

            "Oh that…she needs her daily dose of Mayonaise. Or she can't think and gets into a temper fit every ten minutes," the girl told him. A temper tantrum every ten minutes? Aww, c'mon. Haruka-san can't be that bad, I'm sure Megumi-chan is exaggerating…Megumi saw the look on his face and added, "And trust me, she can be that bad." Ayato gulped.

            An inhuman shriek from the kitched startled them all, and Haruka came running out, a mad look in her eyes. "What the is up with this household, not a single drop of Mayonaise!!!!!!!!!! " (The author apologizes at this point, but he had to censor her profanities, otherwise this fic would never have made it into its rating).

            "And you, Kamina Ayato!!! What do you think you're doing at a time like this, sitting around? Go out and fight!! Destroy some Dolems for us so we can win the war! !!!! !!!!!!!!!"

            Ayato cringed while Megumi just sighed. She leaned in to him. "Yep, this is how she always is when she doesn't have her Mayonaise. And it only gets worse, I can tell you…"

            "You mean, this is only the beginning?"

            "The tip of the iceberg, Ayato-kun…"

            The Orin grimaced. He had to get Mayonaise from somewhere…before Haruka's situation worsened. And judging from the screaming, yelling, and crashing that came from the direction she had gone in, her temper antics were on full force.

            Ayato ran through the streets. Great, just today, every single store on this island had to run out of Mayonaise…He had left the house on his quest for Mayonaise, seeing as Rikodou-san and Megumi were busy keeping down Haruka's temper flares. Ayato's cellphone rang. "Yes?"


            "Itsuki-san! Please tell me you have good news!"

            The scientist sounded desolate. "I'm sorry, Ayato, but there's not a single drop of Mayonaise on the east end of Nirai Kanai."

            "Not a single drop? That can't be! What the hell happened to all of it, dammit!?"

            "I have no idea, but I'll keep looking. Good luck, Ayato."


            Ayato slowed down as he reached another grocery store and entered it. He exited two minutes later. Still no bottle of Mayonaise. Suddenly, an idea dawned him. If there wasn't any Mayonaise here…maybe in Tokyo there would be some! He headed over to the water shrine where RahXephon rested. He sighed. The things he would do for Haruka…

            As he powered up the RahXephon, the comm channel opened. "Ayato, what are you doing?" Kim asked.

            "There's been an emergency. I need to go," he said. "What is it? What happened?"

            "Errm…well…you see…" Ayato stuttered around. "We ran out of Mayonaise. And there's not a single store at this time that still has some." Kim gasped. "That's horrible! We need to hurry, screw the pre-flight check list, I'll handle the issues with TERRA Ops. Just go, and make sure you bring back some!"

            Ayato frowned. Why was it that Haruka's Mayonaise addiction seemed so well known? And why did people  take it so seriously? Then he thought back to the tantrum she had thrown back in the house. On second thought, it was bad. With a roar, RahXephon started up and shot out of the water into open air. Ayato set a course for Tokyo Jupiter.

            As he reached the time potential wall that sealed off Tokyo from the rest of the world, he braced himself as RahXephon created an energy vortex that began to resonate with the wall, breaching through it and allowing RahXephon and its Orin to pass through into the world of the MU.

            As he came out on the other side of the wall, he took in a moment to take in the nightsky of Tokyo. More like, early morning, since it was nearly 5 a.m. according to his watch. He shook off the thoughts about returning home out of his head, though. He had a mission to fulfill. Raching through the city skyline at top speeds, he set the RahXephon down in front of a supermarket on its parking lot, and headed for the entrance.

            The first store didn't have Mayonaise. As Ayato rushed through the rows of the second store, he felt like he was being watched. "Excuse me," he approached a storeworker. "Do you have Mayonaise?" The man shook his head. "Sorry, we're all out. We should get some tomorrow, though."

            Tomorrow is WAY to late…"Thanks," Ayato said and was gone.

            Halfway through the third store, Ayato stumbled over a newspaper reading, "Mayonaise shortage in all of Tokyo! Military suspected to hoard Mayonaise for unknown purposes – biological warfare?"

            The military hoarding Mayonaise? What in the world??? Whatever, I have to get Mayonaise for Haruka-san…

            As he leaped back into the RahXephon, he tried to remember where the closest military base was. Once more, RahXephon leapt into the sky. As it closed in with the base, a D-1 appeared out of thin air in front of Ayato. He barely managed to turn the RahXephon to the side and dodge its attack as they sped towards each other. "Someone really wants to keep that Mayonaise…"

            He dodged around the next few attacks of the Dolem, then grabbed hold of one of the Dolem's "arms" and hauled back, bringing the D-1 off balance. RahXephon slammed its fist into the main body of the Dolem, smashing it to pieces, before breaking the entire thing in two. RahXephon came to rest right next to the military storage facility Ayato had remembered.

            As he had the RahXephon tear off the roof – Ayato wasn't trained in special ops, so he sure as hell wasn't going to infiltrate the building – he peeked into the storage halls. Reaching in, he took out a box, labeled with "Sample 1-1, M" He popped the crate and stared inside. Sure as hell, there was Mayonaise inside. "Finally! Hm…I'd better take some more, in case the shortage lasts a while," Ayato said to himself as he packed 10 crates of Mayonaise into the RahXephon.

            As he was about to depart, more Dolems appeared above him, bombarding him with shockwaves, lasers, and whatever else the MU could mount on them. As he ran slalom through the blockade of D-1s, he kept seeing visions of Mishima before him. Wondering what this had to do with anything, Ayato forgot to dodge one blow, and it hit the RahXephon head on.

            After getting rattled like this, the boy engaged the RahXephon's trans-dimensional drive and warped out of Tokyo Jupiter. As he returned to the shrine no Nirai Kanai, Kim came over the com again. "Hey Ayato! How'd it go?"

            "Pretty good. I got it," he told her.

            "That's great! We'll unload it immediately!"

            The door to the house slid open, and Ayato dropped in, completely drained, a bottle of Mayonaise clutched in his hands. "Okaeri," Megumi said. "Tadaima," he replied before hauling himself to his feet and stumbling towards the kitchen. "Ayato-kun! You're finally back! Now, what have you been up to this whole time? You could have been…" Haruka started to ramble off as she saw him.

            He gently stood the bottle of Mayonaise on the table before her, then slumped down on a futon. Haruka stared at him, speechless, for a moment. Then she threw herself at him, flinging her arms around his neck and crushing him - and the bottle of Mayonaise between them. Suddenly, there was a crack, and the bottle broke, splattering both of them with mayonaise. Haruka broke out into laughter, while Ayato just indicated towards the door and said, "There's more outside…"

            That day, Haruka's dinner consisted more of mayonaise than rice, and ever since then, they kept a stash of mayonaise…just in case.

            And the morale of the story: Better safe than sorry! Always have a spare bottle of mayonaise handy…or two!