Authors notes and an explanation to our poor audience: (Yaoi Diva tentatively walks out) Um, Everyone? Sorry this chapter is so late. (Dodges objects thrown at her) It's my fault; I was in charge of typing up and putting out this extra thing. I know there is no excuse for the lateness of this. That being said, here's one anyways, okay the whole fan fiction thing was sort of forced onto a back burner by college, internship, and a recent utter lack of inspiration. While this chapter had already been finished for awhile I just kept forgetting to post it due to, well me being a lazy butt.
Anyhow, I do still plan to do a few side fics to this. The going will be slow as I will be writing them solo, but they will be coming out eventually. I can't say when but feel free to review and e-mail to try and prod me into action.
Now what's this outtakes thing about? Well, in a desperate bid to be creative Dee and I came up with the idea of writing down the bizarre conversations and activities we experienced during the course of writing The Soul of the Reaver. So these are not outtakes from the games, these are fic writing outtakes. Also, I feel it necessary to give an additional warning as to the content of this chapter, it will contain some bad language and potentially disturbing glances into the minds of insane fangirls.
That being said, enjoy!
"My name is Kain," he says. "You will come to know it well"...
Yaoi Diva: Yeah learn it now you'll be screaming it later!
Dr. Dee: (fwaps Diva over the head ) Will you stop that?! We'll get to the sex later okay?
Yaoi Diva: Yeah Yeah...
While writing about the induction of Raziel's vampire brethren:
Dee: Uh... what order exactly do they go in? I forget. I know Raziel is the oldest but...
Diva: Raziel, Turel, Dumah, Rahab, Zephon, and Melchiah. Honestly, and you call yourself an LoK fan?
Dee: So I'm not a completely obsessive freak like some people!
Diva: Hey! I resemble that!
"You are mine," he says, and slides one long claw down my chest, ripping off my shirt:
Diva: Woot! Go Kain!
Dee: I think though for the sake of tastefulness we should maybe wait a bit longer before adding the graphic scenes. I mean we don't want this to be a total piece of porn.
Diva: As much as it pains me I agree. Although being a complete piece of porn isn't a bad thing either. And all in LoK cryptic babble, this will be a very eloquent piece of porn!!
Dee: True, true. So do you think Kain would be on top all the time or would he give Raziel a turn?
Diva: Hmmm... Raz'd make a good seme in some circumstances but for some reason I just can't see it happening with Kain. Kain's just more like...
Dee: ... "take it bitch!"
I notice his hands have changed. Where once his fingers were five, there now stand three powerful claws.
"You, also, will have these, Raziel, my beautiful.":
Diva: (imitating Kain's voice) Yes, you will find them particularly useful in the future for moving about large chunks of masonry.
Dee: I assume you mean the block puzzles. Ah the nostalgias of soul reaver 1.
Diva: Yes, pity in number 2 they're replaced by giant mirrors and running back and fourth throughout various areas of Nosgoth.
Dee. And in Defiance they're replaced by the big round glowing crystal things.
Diva: Turn the light one's dark and the dark one's light. And what the hell was Vorador's penchant for them? They were all over the place in his mansion!
Dee: No clue.
While writing the first graphic sex scene (okay Dr. Dee is writing it, Yaoi Diva's just sitting their watching and turning every shade of red known to man):
Diva: Oh my god! I can't believe you just wrote that!!
Dee: Oh come on! You're the one who couldn't wait until we got to the sex!
Diva: I know it's just...
Dee: Really it's truly amazing how you can be such an enormous yaoi fan and not have ever written a lemon!
Diva: Well I just don't write that much Fan fiction in general. Plus viewing and reading are entirely different from actually writing. Okay, I'll try and write the next sex scene but it may not be pretty.
Even as I thought this, I saw Zephon approaching from the other side of the compound. He was smiling, and a sudden rage leapt into my heart as I thought for one irrational moment that perhaps Kain had been with him as well:
Dee: Kain and Zephon shudders
Diva: Anyone and Zephon is rather sickening. I hate spiders!
Dee: Uhg spider love...
Diva: let's not go there!!!
Dee: Agreed. (Dee and Diva continue typing)
"That's not entirely true, Dumah doesn't know. But that's just because he's an idiot."
Diva: Hahaha! Yup Dumah's a dumbass.
Dee: Seriously, what kind of vampire keeps an exploding furnace in his place?
Diva: I don't know but his younger brother lays eggs even though he's supposedly male.
I dunno, maybe Dumah's a masochist. While designing his place he originally wanted to put in an exploding furnace, a water fountain, and a room full of spiky implements of impalement but expenses forced him to cut down on possible methods of his own destruction.
Dee: That could be why the human vampire hunters managed to impale him so easily the first time!
Raziel slipped his head beneath my chin and I knew that, even as he had grown so much, always seen to others as the cold confident lieutenant, still he could cry, and was crying against me:
Diva: Although I can't help but wonder if we're making Raziel a bit too submissive
Dee: Can we help it if his character just lends itself so well to it? I hate to admit it, because I think Raziel is awesome, but he just makes such a good bitch! Besides Kain likes him like that!
Diva: Ha! Actually didn't his voice actor say something similar? Something about being asked to make Raziel sound less bitchy, "Fine, You want him more masculine? PROPS!!
He nodded against me, and then I could feel his lips kissing against my chest and his hands parting my shirt...
Dee: And now it's your turn! Knock yourself out dear! (pats Diva on the back)
Diva: Meep! Nooooooo! I can't it's just too embarrassing!!
Dee: Come on where's that perverted brain of yours when you need it!
Diva: Fine, fine. But first I'm gonna need my Ai no Kusabi tape, a few of the smuttiest Yaoi fics I can find and a whole crap load of sugar for good measure! (Brushes past Dee) Get ready, it's gonna be a long night!
After Yaoi Diva's finished her smut
Diva: (Gasp gasp thud) It is done! (pulls herself off of floor) Yes it is done! I wrote smut! And it is the smuttiest smut ever!!!! Well maybe not but I don't think it's too shabby for a first time.
Dee: (after reading) Not too shabby at all I'd say. This is truly great smut! Congrats!
Diva: You know, I had a rather difficult time figuring out words to use. Writing sex in LoK dialogue is a bit difficult. Words like "cock" or "fuck," just don't seem to fit into either Kain or Raziel's vocabulary. Strange, no one in the LOK universe has a problem with going on a bloody murderous rampage but they seem to despise vulgar language.
Dee: Yeah, the worst they ever say is "Damn you" and I think Raziel's called Kain a bastard a couple of times but that's it.
Diva: Hmm, maybe there's only one ultimate unspoken law among all vampires and that's no swearing. Murder, rape, pillage, cheat, and lie, all you want, but God have mercy on you if you utter a curse word.
Discussion between Dr. Dee and Yaoi Diva about the timeline the fic takes place in:
Dee: So should we include any references from other games or just stick with our own, rather bizarre interpretation of Kain's empire?
Diva: Well naturally there's going to be some reference to Soul Reaver at the end of the story. Also I was thinking probably we might hint just a bit at the whole RazielReaver thing at the end, so that would be a reference to SR2 and possibly Defiance.
Dee: Yeah, I was just wondering if we should mention anything about Kain overthrowing Meridian or something like that.
Dive: Hmm, I say let's not. I think this fic should take place during the initial timeline before Kain and Raziel screwed with it. Blood Omen 2 was entertaining, but definitely not one of the high points of the series to put it mildly. At least not in my opinion. The closest we should get to any BO2 reference is the way Kain looks at the beginning of the fic. I did find it to be a logical step in his evolution; he looked like the other lieutenants did before they devolved.
Dee: Yeah that's probably best, otherwise we might have to mention what the Hell happened to Vorador, and all that.
Diva: Yeah. In this fic Vorador is quite dead. Kain was the last remaining vampire, and Umah never existed, THANK GOD!
Dee: Yes I'm well aware of how much you hate Umah, and I agree this is a Yaoi fic after all; chicks would just get in the way. However Umah may have existed as a human.
Diva: Even so, she's also dead and buried, she died centuries ago when an unfortunate accident caused her to fall over backwards and she was crushed under the weight of her own breasts.
Dee: You're so evil.
Diva: (beam) I am aren't I?
A Random conversation between Yaoi Diva and a guy friend of hers:
Diva: Yeah, Dr. Dee and I are writing an LoK Yaoi fanfic.
Guy friend: What yaoi?! What the hell characters are you using?
Diva: Kain and Raziel.
Guy friend: (horrified) Kain is not gay!! What about Umah? Kain said she could've been his queen.
Diva: (disgusted) What about her? First of all, she was an annoying character. Second of all, despite what Kain says about the queen thing, he never really seemed all that interested in her. I mean, when he found her injured he very gallantly responded by putting her out of OUR misery and then proceeding to resurrect the six Sarafan warrior priests who were all men! Now what does that tell you?
Further more if he ever did choose a queen don't you think we would've heard something about her? Raziel was really pissed off. If Kain had a wife do you really think Raziel wouldn't have gone after her in order to get to Kain?
Guy: I still don't think it's possible. I don't know about Raziel, but I still say Kain is not gay. Who says he would've gotten married. If he wanted some, he could've just picked up some vampire chick from one of the lieutenant's fledglings.
Diva: I don't think there are any female vampires during Kain's reign. I mean I know all the vamps are devolved and all but still, they all looked distinctly masculine in form to me. Remember this is a video game. It doesn't matter if it's a monster or not, if it's a chick they have to give it boobs so the pervert fanboys will play the game. Just look what they did to Ariel in Defiance. And of course you're Umah.
Guy: Well, he could've picked somebody up from the human citadel.
Diva: You forget. Kain hates humans. He considers them just a food source. He agrees with Vorador that they're basically like cattle. Therefore to Kain, sex with a human would be the equivalent of bestiality.
Guy: You've given this whole thing entirely too much thought! Let's just change the subject.
Diva: (beams) You just know you can't win against my brilliantly deductive logic! Besides if you forfeit the argument it means I win by default! Yay!
Guy: Whatever. You're weird Diva!
(Yaoi diva note: I apologize to anyone I may have frightened with the extent of my geeky self. I'm a total geek, I admit. I'm just an obsessive LoK fan and an obsessive yaoi fan. And to me, I see so much evidence in the games that Kain and Raziel soooo used to be together. Besides, there aren't enough LOK yaoi fics in the world. I mean really, why go to all the trouble of making up an original female character to get it on with Kain or Raz with they could be getting it on with each other?! Besides it's yaoi! How can any self respecting heterosexual girl not like yaoi? Its two guys for the price of one! Okay I'd better shut up before I scare away all the readers. Sorry.)
While writing the third and final sex scene, a friend of Dr. Dee's boyfriend comes over and starts reading over our shoulders:
Guy: OH MY GOD! WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
Dee: Why various vignettes of homo-erotic fiction of course!
Diva: Honestly, what else would two young women be doing a Friday evening?
Guy: I thought girls were supposed to prefer less explicit things when it comes to sex. I thought girls were supposed to be the innocent ones!
Dee: That's just what they want you to think.
I left my hide-out eager to fly. This one thought obsessed my mind. Consumed by the idea, I searched the hills of my retreat for a ledge from which to leap.
Dee: I think he ought to jump and fall to his death! Well okay not to his death, that wouldn't kill him but he should still crash. Even if it is Raziel, I don't think there's any way you could do something like that right the first time.
Diva: Yeah but if he fell he could just rewind time and... oh wait, that's the Prince of Persia.
Dee: How in the hell did you manage to get those two games confused?
Diva: Since your boyfriend's been playing the Prince of Persia for the past eight hours strait! (Gestures to Dee's boyfriend playing video games in the same room) If he doesn't give it a rest soon he's going to start thinking he's the prince of Persia. Hell, if he doesn't take a break I might start thinking I'm the prince of Persia!
Dee: As long as neither of you attempt to run along the walls I think it'll be fine!
The hour is 2 am, and Dee and Diva although half asleep are still typing.
Diva: (Yawns)Its time for bed, I think we've both ceased to make sense at this point.
Dee: Yeah, just let me type some notes so we know where we were going with the story and can pick it up tomorrow.
(All right, so Kain's going to turn Raziel over and stroke his back and it's going to be kind of sore and he'll pause for a moment and then basically go...naaaaa, it couldn't be, and they'll continue fucking away. Then Raziel will start to feel sick and eventually go into hibernation and come out with wings. Kain's going to be all like...OMG, it's true! He's going to look all surprised and then rip them off and throw him in the abyss and Raziel's going to be all waaaa, waaaa, y'know? I was betrayed, did he ever love me? Why did he do this to me if he did? And then he's going to get REALLY pissed. From there, we know what happens. Raziel goes on his crusade of doomy doom, and then finally ends up realizing that Kain did it for a good reason and then he says all that stuff in defiance about how I'm still your lieutenant and your right hand man and goes into the sword. Yeah, and then Kain and Raziel are re-united--sort of--la dee da dee da! OK, I'm going to sleep now before this becomes REALLY weird.)
Diva: (reading over Dee's shoulder) Before it becomes really weird? I think it's already there. I fear you during lack of sleep.
Dee: Why? It's only the way you act naturally most of the time anyways.