Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. DBZ? Moi? I really don't know what you're talking about. By the way, IF any of the characters or settings resembles something from DBZ it's just a pure coincidence or I don't own them either. You know what? I haven't seen many Naruto crossovers that are any good. Any recommendations? I just might write one myself.
Naruto wearily rubbed the bridge of his nose. This was one really vivid, weird-ass hallucination. The blue-skinned clerk had a nasal, whiny voice that scraped on his ears like nails on a blackboard. He never expected Hell to be pink. Come to think of it, Hinata had a certain fetish for pink and yellow decor.
Maybe this is hell after all.
"So let me get this straight. This is like a big terminal where the souls of the dead go to receive their passports to wherever they are meant to go, depending if they were good or bad while they were alive.", Naruto managed.
"Right....Now could you please get...", the demonic clerk began beofre he was rudely interrupted.
"And all these talking puffs of fart are the souls of the dead without any bodies? They just trot on to this 'Lord Emma-O' to be sorted, right?"
"Hai, that's correct...now please get back in....". The clerk was starting to get agitated.
"He's the boss of this place huh? And everybody who dies get sent to this place?", Naruto stopped and looked at the now purple official," What's your problem?"
"Get Back In Line!"
"No!". With that, Naruto gave the official a rough shove that sent it careening off the edge and into the clouds below.
His mood brightening, he went off in search of this Emma-O for some answers like where the hell was he and how the hell would he get back.
Tsunade groaned. What Jiraiya was proposing was utterly insane and they had no idea whether or not, it wouldn't kill them, let alone work. They also couldn't afford to divert too much attention to searching for Naruto. Not that many people were willing to overlook the whole "demon-fox" debacle.
Off hand, Tenten and Hinata would volunteer of course. Jiraiya would insist on going and she couldn't wait to get rid of the horny bugger. He just wouldn't let up. Finally she'd have some time to catch up on her sleep. Maybe he'd die on the mission. Hopefully. She cheered up.
"Very well", the Hokage said gravely, " I approve of your mission plain, Jiraiya. However I cannot allocate you too much resources to your search. You may take with you, Hyuuga Hinata, Tenten and three other available ninja. Take your time."
She looked at him. He looked at her.
He looked at her.
"No! No 'one-for-the-road' !"
Uchiha Sasuke was waiting for him outside the Hokage's tower. He looked like he was wrestling with a very disturbing thought. It was as if he was coming to terms with a very difficult question in his mind over the events that had transpired over the last month.
"Jiraiya-sama! Chotto matte! Uh...I'd like to ....well, that is...I'd like to volunteer to help find Naruto. ", he finished lamely.
Jiraiya couldn't be more surprised if Sasuke had grown another head.
"You?" He looked incredulous. " Fortunes! You must be sick!"
The older ninja started checking the younger one over. Taking his pulse and holding him by the chin to check his eyes, Jiraiya scrutinised him carefully to try and detect any sign of mental trauma.
Shaking off the older man's attentions and feeling more than a little bit exasperated, he started to explain.
"Ano...it's just that he went after me all those years ago and he's saved me a couple of times...", withering under Jiraiya's stare," alright, lots of times and I just think it's time I repaid the favour." He looked sort of sheepish, hands pockets and staring at his feet. He looked like he had admitted something that really tasted bad in his mouth.
"You're on. We leave in an hour."
At that moment, Hinata was talking to Kiba.
"Kiba-kun, do you know anyone calling themselves the 'Peeping Dog'. It's just that arse-hole had set up spy-cameras in our apartment and we'd really like to tear him a new butt-crack. In his chest."
Kiba felt a little bit faint, but managed to quash the thought of having his insides scooped out by a sweet smiling Hinata. He shook his head casually.
"It's just that what with preparing for the mission to rescue Naruto and we don't have time to track down the bastard. It'd take us a while to trace the paper-trail and so Tenten figured to set a dog to catch a dog....I'm sorry if that description offends you! It's just that you're the best tracker we know. Please can you help us? We have some clues about who he or she is but we just don't have the time. Can you do it for us? "
"Hai, yeah sure Hinata!", he tried to laugh.
Hinata gave him a hug. "Arigato Gozaimasu!". Kiba blushed.
When she left, he began to desperately think of what he could do to shift the blame. Or find a safe place to hide. Perhaps this wasn't such a good idea.
Rock Lee was at the barbecue pits again. This time with Tenten and were discussing what to do with Neji. Lee was all about forgiving him and letting bygones be bygones. Tenten suggested educating him with the soggy end of his severed legs. She had suggested severing one of his legs beforehand. Lee contended that he didn't know any better. Tenten rebutted with the argument that even though he was a spoilt, stuck-up jerk, he should still 'know better'.
"The thing is," she sighed," is that I'm genuinely happy with Naruto. It's like we connect on a totally different level. He can be so understanding and mature while still maintaining an inexplicably mocking look at life that's so wonderful to be around. Hinata is so kind and compassionate that I think I'm falling in love with her too."
Lee chewed on a slice of beef and gave her a wry look.
"You're just greedy."
"Point.", she admitted.
"So I can see why you gave up on Neji. He has the emotional range of a tea spoon. I mean, I'm finally glad I don't really care about kicking the crap out of him, you know? It's like he never really graduated past genin. Still, he's good in a fight and he's reliable. It's just so frustrating being around the prick."
"You're still assigned to his squad right? I mean, you still have to work with him right? Tsunade had me transferred to a teaching position which isn't so bad. I think she knows something I don't. Teaching kids how to throw shuriken and stuff can't be too bad, right?"
"Can't be too bad?", Lee nearly choked on his piece of meat and had to be thumped hard on the back," Can you possibly imagine having to deal with a bunch of little Narutos and Nejis?" He sniggered.
They sat there in shocked silence contemplating that horrible thought.
Lee attempted to break the ice.
"So why didn't we ever work out, as a couple I mean?"
There was even more ice.
"Because you were an idiot.", she said in frigid tones.
"That and you were still obsessed with beating up Naruto, Neji and Sasuke up till about a year ago."
"Fair enough. I've gotten over that now."
"Yes, but you never thought about what I needed in a relationship. It was always do your business then roll over and snore." She was getting agitated. Some of the other bar patrons were beginning to take notice of the conversation.
"And you're a pervert. You still go around peeping a lot. We know all about that." Rock Lee tried to ignore the stares he was getting from the others.
"Oh yes, and you're about this big." She made a gesture with one hand, placing thumb and forefinger about an inch apart. Lee tried to sink lower into his seat and pretend to busy himself with the menu. This was getting humiliating.
Tenten looked at his reddening face in satisfaction for a few moments. It looked like he was about to cry.
"I know about the 'peeping club' you and Jiraiya and Kakashi set up. I'm not really happy about it. But I've convinced Hinata to let it go if you can help us with two things. You don't want me to make your life even more miserable, do you?"
Rock Lee looked ready to agree to anything at this point. It was so pathetically easy to manoeuvre the conversation around to this point. She idly wondered if this technique would work on Naruto. Probably, with a little more finesse...it was so much harder to prank a prankster.
"The first thing is to help me find Naruto. It's pretty close to being a suicide mission but you're still the best taijutsu specialist in the village. The second is trivial. After that, we're even. We want the 'Peeping Dog' character's liver on a stick. We want him found and delivered to us. That shouldn't be too hard should it?"
Sasuke smirked as Tenten and Hinata escorted a despondent Rock Lee between them to the meeting point. They deposited him in a heap and went off to a shady tree and sat there, talking amongst theselves until Jiraiya showed up.
"So they got you too, huh?", Lee's tone was miserable. He didn't mind rescuing Naruto. That was bound to be exciting.
"Hmmph." Typical Sasuke remark. Luckily, he was used to interpreting the Uchiha's remarks into plain language. It meant what pray tell, do you mean?
"I mean did they fore you to go as well?", he clarified.
"Huh." No, I volunteered.
"You WHAT? You actually wanted to go? "
"Hmm" Why not? I owe Naruto a few favours.
"Nevermind. Anyway," he whispered out of the corner of his mouth," they know about the 'club' and they're itching to find the Peeping Dog. I'm going to need your help in laying a little smokescreen. No more porn means no more fun."
Sasuke went pale and barely managed a muffled "URk".
Which meant FUCKING HELL!
"...means no more fun."
Tenten and Hinata had figured that Lee would betray them. Instant gratification was still heading the top of his agenda. The concealed tap they had planted on him was working like a charm. If they could get one on the rest of the 'club', then they could track down, with Kiba's help, the doomed Peeping Dog.
Never try to second-guess a woman. That's just doomed to fail.
Yamanaka Ino was busy with hitting Nara Shikamaru over the head. He had recently been patched up by the Hokage for an emergency mission and Ino wasn't helping. He had a pretty good idea about what the mission was: rescue that idiot baka that had gotten himself into trouble again. He had just recovered from two broken legs and had his arms popped back into place and here she was, hitting him and complaining about being a hentai.
She was gone for two years. Two years! Two years. So his dad had decided to treat him to a pre-birthday get together with some friends and comrades. So they had gotten a little drunk. Well, more than a little drunk. Absolutely bloody sloshed. Then Sasuke whips out a copy of some video. How he was he supposed to know Hinata and Tenten were in it having sex? It's not like he had a good look at the case.
Why was she taking it out on him?
A little voice in his mind spoke to him, well who else is there to take it out on?
He swore under his breath. There were times when he hated being right.
They were standing at the spot where Naruto had disappeared. It was a wasteland. A bleak, blasted slice of hellish lanscape packed into a few square miles. That was the best way to put it. The devastation that was the direct result of a couple Rasengan going off at the same time and place awed them. It put things into perspective. Kage-bunshin aren't supposed to be able to do that. God, Naruto shouldn't be able to do that but as per usual, it appeared that the usual laws of reality didn't apply to Naruto. They stopped and thought of the implications of that.
"Alright, he isn't here. Can we go home now?" It was Shikamaru. There were no trails leading anywhere and no sign of life in the area for quite a distance. It was his birthday in a few days and he dearly wanted to be alive to celebrate it. He thought about this. If I don't go, Ino won't help me celebrate it.
He decided to derail that train of thought. The fact that Tenten had punched rather hard helped as well. So troublesome....
Jiraiya got up in front of them and explained his plan for rescuing Naruto.
"I don't believe Naruto is dead. He's probably been sent to the afterlife, along with the Kyuubi. Yes, the Kyuubi. Ask me later. Anyway, since it's been only a few hours since the rift occurred, the barrier between is still going to be fairly weak. I'll just summon Gamabunta and ask if we can hitch a lift with him when he goes back to the Spirit Realms. Easy! Any questions?"
He stood back and waited for the tumultuous applause for his brilliant plan.
There was silence.
Five people at that moment were thinking along the lines of, That's his great plan? We hitch-hike on a giant toad to the afterlife and look for Naruto?
The silence was getting to him, but he figured it was just dumbstruck awe. Might as well get on with it.
"NINPOU! KUCHIYOSE NO JUTSU!"