While my heart is a shield
and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail, so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive.
But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy,
Well I deserve nothing more than I get,
Cause nothing I have is truly mine…
I'm Never alone.
Their right here beside me. Watching me. Making sure I don't betray them. I know what they promised was a lie, but now I have something else.
Survival. No matter how much I tell myself I don't care, I still can't help but care. No matter how often I brace myself to die, to betray them. The words never come out, the smile never slips, my hatred, my fear never shows.
I've betrayed them. All those I ever knew, all those that I had loved and even those I'd abhorred.
As I sit here looking at her husband I wonder at how easy it would be. Just tell him the tattered remains of conscience pleads. Then it would all be over, the nightmare that began at Io.
But death isn't and easy thing, not to face not to endure and not to make a conscious decision to end your own life. I've seen others die, I've even caused it, I've endured the death of those I loved… But killing myself, through telling him. Impossible.
His eyes… He knows death but not like I do. I have felt it, I have lived it. Her picture that he showed me. Her wild hair and sweet face. She is dead to me though. Like the others of that expedition… Or most of them…
He avoided looking at the figures beside him. He sighed. The Telepath had seen it. He wasn't the man he had been, he'd lived on Zha'ha'dum for far too long, he'd changed. Evil had corrupted his soul – if he even had one any more- scarred him, changed him. He may look like the same man, he may even share the name of the man who had set out on the Icarus, but he had changed.
His fingers brushed the small stone. Love abides no borders. His had, it had abided the death of loved ones and the death of personality. His personality and others. He had found some time ago that thoughts of his wife and his little one no longer made his chest constrict no longer made him feel as though a part of him was missing.
He had wondered if he even remembered what love was. When he thought of it now he felt possessive and repulsed at the same time. He closed his eyes, he knew he didn't. He had been too long on Zha'ha'dum. He was not human anymore, he was not even truly alive.
And he was not alone... Whether it was memories or Shadows he was not alone.