- Takes place before Jean goes out with Scott and when she's dating Duncan. First Season or so, I suppose.

Want It To Last

Duncan Matthews or Scott Summers?

Duncan: Crude. Self-centered. Brusque. Inconsiderate. Dumb.

Scott: Handsome. Caring. Thoughtful. Kind. Brave. Smart.

Seems like an obvious choice, doesn't it? But for me, it isn't. I have two guys who are completely opposites of each other and the blatant choice for me to be with is Scott, but yet, I'm with Duncan.

You must think I'm crazy for passing up such a great guy like Scott to be with a conceited bully like Duncan. I have to say that I'm not so much crazy than scared. I know that I have this connection with Scott that I have never felt with anyone else before. It's a wonderful feeling for it provides me the security that I will never be alone and Scott will always be there to catch me when I fall. I know he's my rock, my stability, and my strength.

So, why am I not with him?

It's because I'm scared.

With Duncan, I know the pretentious relationship we have is just what it is: hollow. I don't feel anything for Duncan on remotely the same level as I feel for Scott. Duncan will wind up being another one of those relationships where I probably won't remember his name years from now. This might sound cold but I know I will wind up as the 'redhead that won't put out' in Duncan's memories in years to come too.

This is precisely why I am with Duncan and not Scott.

My relationship with Duncan is exactly what I expect it to be and what it will wind up being. We will eventually get bored of each other's empty words and break-up. It's that simple.

But Scott is far from simple. If I was with Scott, I can't predict where our relationship will head. I can't pinpoint how long before I will get tired of his conversation; how long before I find his habits annoying; and how long before I stop feeling anything for him. I can't control anything when I'm with Scott. That's the effect he has on me and it's frightening. With my mutant abilities, I can't afford not to be in control. I struggle so hard to keep my powers intact and sometimes, I feel as if I am losing the battle with my own mutation. This is perhaps why I put such an effort in controlling my life and already mapping out all of my events for at least the next six months to come.

But if Scott enters my life, I know I will no longer be able to control anything. He makes me feel things that I never thought possible. And it's the little things he does that make my heart skip that beat and my pulse race. Every time he saves that cranberry muffin for me in the morning, my heart swells with gratitude and content. Every time he opens the door for me, I feel appreciated and cared for. And every time he looks at me, I feel loved.

And I know I must seem foolish for not embracing his love. I do want his love and I want to show him that I love him just as much as he loves me. But every time I think that perhaps maybe I'm ready to tell him how I feel, a hurdle of doubts will overwhelm my mind. What I have with Duncan can end tomorrow for all I care because that's just it, I don't care. With Scott though, that's something I never want to end. I know he's the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and I know it seems irrational to think about that at such a young age. These days, two weeks is already considered as a milestone in any teenage relationship. This is the reason why I'm so afraid to tell him how I feel because the odds are against us for hoping to have a lifelong relationship. If I am ever going to be with Scott, I want it to last and that is something that I am not sure it will happen. I can't control where our relationship will head and what we will go through or how we will feel for each other six months from now.

It's simply because I can't control love. Love controls me.