A/N- Rewritten into a non-script format with a few new parts thrown in. I'm working on the second part : -D This fic was inspired by Mirielle's – The Fellowship Reads Fan Fictions. Thank you, Mirielle, for giving me permission to do a spin- off or your fic. To everyone else, check it out cuz it's really funny and well-written. The story being bashed is a generic Mary Sue that was written for that purpose by myself. I don't own any of the Redwall characters. Unfortunately, I do own Loriana Riverqueen. Darn. :-D.
Tagg and Mhera found themselves gagged and tied in the middle of Mossflower Woods. This was the first time it happened in the history of the Abbey. Since fanfiction was invented, it probably wouldn't have been the last.
"Hi, my wonderful canon characters who are unfortunate enough to be my torture subjects!!!" A fanfiction author stepped into the clearing. Well, there hadn't been a clearing there before, but it appeared as soon as she typed a few words into her all-powerful laptop.
"AHHHHHH!!!" Tagg and Mhera screamed simultaneously through their gags.
"FREAK!!!" Mhera shrieked.
"MONSTER!!!" Tagg yelled, trying to reach the sword of Martin.
"SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!!!" The author pulled out a small notebook, and began scribbling a few notes. "Hmm..." she mused, "They appear to be perfectly in character, even being understandably freaked out at the sight of humans."
She stood up, and yelled, "Listen up, both of you. I come in peace!!! So you both can stop screaming like a pair of orcs."
"What is...orc?" Mhera wondered, having gotten over the appearances of humans...mostly due to author intervention.
"Oh...sorry," the author apologized, "I forgot I'm not in the Lord of the Rings fandom anymore."
"What is...Lord of the Rings?" asked Tagg, who also seemed to be dealing well with the shock.
"OH!!! It's one of the best movies and books ever...and...there's this evil Ring and this really cute hobbit, and an elf that's NOT as cute as they say he is..." the fanfic writer stopped. "You know what...this is becoming a crossover, so I'm stopping it here. Forget I ever brought up Lord of the Rings."
"Oookay..." they said, giving her a weird look.
"You know..." she muttered to herself a little doubtfully, "I'm really breaking a lot of canon rules right now. I'm a human in Mossflower with no back story to how I got here, I brought a computer with me, and I almost introduced them to a new fandom...oh well. It's okay, since they will automatically forget this ever happened and everything will return to normal in exactly an hour. Plus," she added, grinning wickedly, "It's for a good cause."
"And that would be..." Tagg asked.
"Warning you about the dangers of a creature that goes by the name of Mary-Sue."
"What in Mossflower is a Mary-Sue???" Mhera demanded.
"Well...you'd better hope it's nowhere near Mossflower, but unfortunately, these creatures have come across the borders of other fandoms. They are invading your world, leaving a path of destruction wherever they go." The fanfic writer clicked a few icons on her laptop. "Okay then..." she said, "Without further ado, I am going to read you a story."
"Um...." They both said in unison.
"What are you!?! Twins!?!"
"Well....actually no." Tagg said.
"Never mind that," she said impatiently, "Now no more interruptions from either of you." She began reading from her laptop....
Loriana Riverqueen was the greatest warrior ever...in fact, compared to her might and skill, Lord Brocktree, Martin the Warrior, Mariel of Redwall, Matthias....all of them seemed like mere dibbuns playing at pillowfighting.
"Riverqueen?" Mhera wondered. "That's not usually a last name, is it?"
"Is it even possible to be so great that Martin would look like a dibbun pillowfighting?" Tagg demanded.
"Well, obviously, the rules of canon failed to pass that author's mind."
"The laws of the universe....well...yours anyways. Now be quiet and listen."
She was the most beautiful creature ever, with golden fur as soft as silk that shimmered as brightly as the sun, and deep, round eyes that glowed aquamarine when she was happy, sapphire blue when sad, and violet when angry
"Is that even genetically possible?" Mhera questioned dubiously.
"Wouldn't gold fur make it hard to be stealthy and make hiding from enemies near-impossible?" Tagg wondered.
"No, to Mhera's question, and yes, to Tagg's question." She said smugly, "But apparently, that also failed to register in the author's mind."
"Well she sounds like a freak of nature to me." Tagg said.
"Muhahaha...it's going to get MUCH better."
When she was only an ottercub, her holt was slain by the Juska tribe. She, being the only survivor, was taken to be their Taggurung.
"What!?!" Tagg yelled, "I though I was their Taggurung."
"Aren't we full of ourselves now." Mhera said sarcastically.
"Shut up," he snapped.
"Don't talk to your abbess in such a manner," she shot back.
"Oh dear," said the author sarcastically, who had been watching the whole playout. "The fic isn't even finished and already you two are being influenced by the evil canon twisting power of the Mary-Sue. Can we say...totally OOC?"
Mhera blinked. "That was weird...little bro."
Tagg blinked. "I agree. Sorry, big sis."
"Awww...how nice," she crooned, "Well, unfortunately, we still have to finish the fic."
Loriana Riverqueen, however, was far too pure of heart to live amoung the juska, so on her 16th birthday, she ran away from the tribe.
"16th birthday," Mhera questioned, "Otters don't live 16 years. And if she's so pure of heart, 16 seasons is a long time to wait to run away."
"Exactly," the author replied, "Obviously, the author of this fic can't remember that animals age differently."
She made it to Redwall Abbey without any help or problems, naturally, since she was such a great warrior. Of course, she was welcomed eagrly by the Redwallers, despite the fierce markings on her face.
"But that's impossible," Tagg protested, "I only made it with the help of others, and I faced plenty of problems." He glared at his sister... "Not to mention the cough welcome cough"
"Sorry," Mhera protested, "But your markings were pretty creepy."
"Sure that's what they all say..."
Of course, Abbess Mhera immediately entrusted her with the Sword of Martin. Everyone seemed to forget that it currently belonged to Tagg...but then again, who cared?
"Okay, now THAT'S totally wrong." Mhera shouted. "One, the sword belongs to Tagg, not me. And why in mossflower would I give the abbey's most prized possession to a complete stranger, not to mention a freak of nature!?! What kind of a fool does this author take me for!?!"
"Well," Tagg said, "At least I'm not out of character yet."
"Muhahahaha," the author laughed, "You're absolutely going to love this next part!!!"
Tagg began feeling stirrings in his heart for the seemingly new Abbey champion. He was entranced by her perfect beauty, as well as her skill as a warrior, and more than anything, her sweet, gentle personality
"NOOOOO!!!" Tagg shouted. "I would NEVER like her. If she's so gentle, how is she the greatest warrior ever. Second, she is a FREAK, I repeat, a total FREAK, not some otter super model. This has been a complete and utter waste of my time. Goodbye!" He stomped out of the clearing, followed in tail by Mhera.
"Just so you know," The fanfic writer called after him. "You two get married and..."
Panthergirl – Thanks. I'll get my chapters out as soon as possible
RedFerret16 – Awww...thanks
Kitkatcathy – Thanks, I love making fun of her too
Anatayue – lol...thanks.
Morticette – YES!!! WE MUST STOP THE MARY-SUE!!! ahem well, thanks for reviewing
Bubonic Woodchuck – Opps...thanks for catching me there. I think it's fixed now. Thanks for the review
ShadowSong StarGlaive The Wolf – YES, KILL THE MARY SUE!!! Tagg is one of my favorite characters too, and he was wildly out of character, which is no wonder canon-tagg was so enraged :-D
Lady Storm- Thanks. I'm honered. About the astrid problem, I think it's fixed now as I'm no longer in script format
MonkeySocksBirdHouse- Thanks!!! I've read a few, (not on this site, though) but defiantly not as much as I have in the Lord of the Rings section.
Too lazy to sign in – I agree, and thanks for the compliment. I'm currently working on another chapter to this
Piewolvesandsuch – Thanks! About your character....I'm not really a Sue expert, so I wouldn't really know, but I was bashing the most obvious types of Sues. The black fur and red eyes could be okay, since it is possible, both genetically and in the world of Redwall for a creature to have black fur (such as Shadow in Redwall). Red eyes also sound okay in context with the books, since some creatures do have weird eyes (lady cregga and her blood-red eyes or Ublaz Mad-Eyes) But anyways, good luck with your story.
Lkrissa Raganok – Thanks!!! I will write another. Btw, I read your story, and even though I don't claim to be an expert on Mary-sues, it was a good story.
Brownblade – thanks!!! Glad you like it
Arya Elvensbane – YES!!! DIE MARY-SUES!!! Thanks for the compliment, I'm glad you like my personal Mary- Sue bash.
Sue Slayer – I'll try to fit it in. I was considering doing a Rose comes back fic, which could possibly include Gonff...wow...so many possibilities
BlackRougeDapura – Yeah...it was pretty weird...but thanks. I don't want to know what happened after the married part either...
Yuoofox- Thanks for the idea...muhahaha
And of course, a big thank you to Mirielle who gave me the idea!!!