Treebeard's Love Life

Notes: Inspired byother Treebeard in love fics I've read, but this one is a bit different...

Timeline: None

Rating: R


Aragorn smiled as he enjoyed the forest breeze. Aragorn began to whistle the Mayberry theme as he took his walk through the forest.

"Who goes there?!" boomed a voice. Aragorn frowned and looked all around himself, trying to find the source of the voice. "Who is that?!" asked Aragorn, taking out his sword. "I say, who goes there?!" said Aragorn.

"I believe I asked you first, little greasy one." said the voice. "I am Aragorn." Aragorn said, proudly, holding his head high. "Oh, that's nice. Who ARE you?!" said the voice. Aragorn sighed. "Aragorn, son of Arathorn, a ranger, a king, an old one, Strider, Estel, etc., etc." said Aragorn, still looking around in the hopes of spotting the source of the voice.

Suddenly, Aragorn gasped as he saw a big glowing eye inspecting him. Treebeard had lowered his head to get a good look at Aragorn. "Aragorn, eh?" said Treebeard.

"Ah, yes! And you are?" said Aragorn.

"My name is Treebeard. Are you planning on using that on me, ranger?" asked Treebeard. Aragorn looked embarassedly at his sword. "No, no, of course not..." he said, looking flustered. Treebeard smiled. "You seem shy." he said. "Well...heehee...maybe just a tad." said Aragorn, looking down.

"Do you feel for me?" asked Treebeard. Aragorn looked up at him and smiled. "You cut right to the point, Treebeard." Aragorn said. Treebeard looked bashful. "I...my dating skills aren't the sharpest, dear Ranger..." said Treebeard. "Well, perhaps you should brush up on them, then." said Aragorn. They gazed into eachother's eyes. "Really?" said Treebeard. Aragorn looked utterly smitten, and he was breathing quickly. "Tonight!! Won't you please have an evening with me, beautiful creature?!" asked Aragorn. "Aragorn...it would please me greatly." said Treebeard, a twinkle in his eyes.

"Untill tonight, then, when we shall get to know eachother better." said Aragorn.

That night...

Smooth jazz played in the background as Treebeard and Aragorn lay on the ground and clinked their champagne glasses together. A fireplace roared mysteriously beside them.

Treebeard reached down a branch to caress Aragorn's face, but just ended up swatted him in the face and scratching him with leaves and twigs. "Oww!!" said Aragorn, shutting his eyes.

Treebeard pulled away. "Oops, sorry, my dear." said Treebeard. "That's perfectly ok." said Aragorn, rubbing at his now bloodied face. "Don't lose the mood, now, my sweet...let me sing you a seranade to the jazz music, maybe that will help." said Treebeard. He took a very long breath and then began booming out at the top of his lungs, "OOOOOOHHHHH, IIIITT'SS NIIIICCEE TO BEEE IN THE FOORREESSTT....". Aragorn's eye shot open and he took on an electrified appearance.

Aragorn clapped his hands over his ears. "What are you doing? Don't you LIKE my singing?" asked Treebeard, becoming angry. "I...I, uh...it's just a bit intense..." said Aragorn, still frazzled. Aragorn then started to rub his eyes. "I think you scratched my corneas earlier..." Aragorn groaned.

"Well, if that's the way you feel, maybe we should just call this evening off." said Treebeard. Treebeard stood up.

"Wait a second, Treebeard. Treebeard, don't go!" said Aragorn, standing up. Suddenly, Treebeard accidentally touched the fireplace with his leg and went up in flames.

"Holy cow, TREEEBEEAARRDD!! I'll save you!!" said Aragorn, pulling out his torch and his sword and begining to swing them around at the flames that were on Treebeard.

"Noo!! No, you idiot!! You can't defeat the flames with a torch and a sword! Oh, my God, you're a freakin' moron..." said Treebeard, running around in circles as the flames rose higher.

Aragorn looked confused and frustrated as he held down his weapons and looked at Treebeard.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, two small figures came running forward with spray cans of seltzer water. Merry and Pippin hopped up and down insanely, looking at eachother and screeching in delight. "AAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!" they laughed, demonically, spraying Treebeard and Aragorn with their seltzer.

Suddenly, Merry stopped. "Hey, look, Pippin, Treebeard's on FIRE!" said Merry as his eyes went big while he stared at Treebeard. "Huh?!" said Pippin, turning around from where he was spraying Aragorn.

"C'mon, man, we'd better put him out!" said Merry, begining to spray Treebeard again. Pippin tried to do the same, but sprayed himself in the face. "Pip, you dope!" said Merry. Pippin shrugged and Merry laughed. Aragorn broke into a grin and started laughing as well. After a moment, even Treebeard was laughing, even though he was still in flames. Finally they all got over it and started to spray Treebeard again.

At last, the fire was out. Treebeard was a bit thinner, but he was pretty much ok. "Are you ok, my love?" asked Aragorn. "You two Hobbits saved me." said Treebeard, ignoring Aragorn.

"T...Treebeard?" said Aragorn.

"It was nothing. We just showed up to cause crap." said Merry. "We were in the right place at the right time, that's what it is. Eh, Taerreeebeard?!" said Pippin.

Treebeard smiled. "Do you fellas like trees?" said Treebeard. "Oh, I know I do! I love tarrerrees, and especially you, Taerreeebeard! You're incredible! I think you'd make a fine Christmas taarreee or the home of an owl or family of chipmunks or..." said Pippin. "I reckon trees are right nice." said Merry, who was now smoking a pipe, frowning, and nodding.

"Honestly?" said Treebeard.

"Merry Brandybuck is always honest! I'm a member of the Audobon society, did you know that, Treebeard?" said Merry.

"I didn't know that. That's a captivating fact..." said Treebeard.

"Well, I'M a big fan of wooden objects, Taerreeebeard! I love to chop up wood and make things like spice racks and shite..." said Pippin.

Treebeard frowned. "Chopping wood, eh?" said Treebeard, unhappily. "Pippin, that is really insensitive." said Merry. "What?! But taerreees come from wood, I thought it was all part of the same beautiful and magnificiant thing!" said Pippin.

"Trees don't come from wood, wood comes from trees." said Treebeard, frowning harder at Pippin. "Oh." said Pippin, looking uncomfortable. "But, you like the feel of it do you? You know, my trunk is made from it. You think it's beautiful and magnificient?" said Treebeard.

"Ah, yes! It's marvelous!" said Pippin. "Shut up, Pippin! Nobody likes trees more than me!" said Merry. "That's not true!" said Pippin. "Yes, it is! I'm a member of five environmental organizations, I love trees, I can't live without them, I FRIGGIN' LOVE THEM, trees to the death!!!" said Merry, a bit of spit flying out of his mouth.

Pippin stepped back and looked at Treebeard. Treebeard was looking at Merry thoughtfully, a ponderous look on his face. Pippin grew annoyed. "I climb trees all the time, I love to be in them, I don't mind the bugs, the trees are just so beautiful!" said Pippin. "You usually break their branches, I've enough respect to stay back peacefully..." said Merry. Treebeard observed them both, tapping his foot.

"Hmm...a difficult decision..." said Treebeard. Pippin and Merry stood there and stared at him. Aragorn, who'd been standing there with a very stupid expression on his face this whole time, shook his head. "Treebeard! You don't mean you're..." said Aragorn.

"You and I haven't hit it off that well. Tonight's been a disaster, really, Aragorn. I just don't know..." said Treebeard.

"Treebeard, please...you mustn't abandon our love!" sobbed Aragorn, crawling on the ground. "I don't know, Aragorn. I think I'd rather find romance elsewhere." said Treebeard. Aragorn stood up, suddenly. "Treebeard! Nobody will be able to love you like I can, especially not them! You are the being of my dreams! Let me be the same for you! Darling leaf angel! I am way more cool than they are! Oh, Treeebeeaard!" said Aragorn.

"I must think." said Treebeard. He thought for a few moments as everyone stood there.

Finally, Treebeard said, "I choose Pippin, because I like the way he says my name."

"Oh, really?! Oh, goody!! What?!? Wait a minute, I don't want to get it on with a tree!!" said Pippin. Treebeard reached for him anyway, and Pippin ran off, screaming.

"Hey, put him down!" said Merry, as Treebeard picked up Pippin. "Ahh, yes, you shall be my precious, Scottish Hobbit of love..." said Treebeard. "I ain't Scottish! I dunno what that means! Help me! Somebody get me down! Help me!!" said Pippin, wriggling around in Treebeard's hand.

Merry picked up a rock and threw it at Treebeard's head. "That won't work, you fool. You can't stop somebody with a rock." said Treebeard.

"I wonder if that's true." said Merry. To test it out, he threw a rock at Aragorn's head. Aragorn fell over, unconscious. "Well, you can't stop ME with a rock!" said Treebeard, starting to walk off with Pippin.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaggghhhhhhh!!" said Pippin, trying more frantically than ever to get free from Treebeard's grip. "Ah, you're fiesty my angel, but soon you'll be mine. You can't ever escape me, Pippin, you see..." said Treebeard, and then his eyes glowed a firey red. "I'm in line with Saron." he said.

Pippin took a huge breath and then started to scream louder than ever. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" he said. Treebeard looked annoyed but kept carrying him off untill they finally reached Saruman's castle. Treebeard boomed, "Let us in!" to the door. Saruman came to the door and glared up at him. "What are you doing here?" he said.

"Me and my new love interest need a place to stay. I don't want to stay in the forest anymore, his little friends are gonna come looking for him and bothering me." said Treebeard. "What do I look like, the Holiday Inn? Go shack up somewhere else, Treebeard!" said Saruman. Saruman started to angrily slam the door closed, but Treebeard held out a branch to stop it. Saruman looked up at him in surprise.

"We NEED a place to stay." said Treebeard. Saruman got out his staff and aimed it up at Treebeard. "May I remind you that I can turn you into set of Lincoln Logs if you get on my nerves?!" said Saruman. "May I remind you that Saron doesn't want his allies anhiliating eachother?! Just let me in or I'll go bother him about it, and then he'll blame you for not accomidating me." said Treebeard. Saruman snarled, but then reluctantly stepped aside, allowing Treebeard and Pippin to enter.

Pippin looked down at Saruman and decided this would be a good time to try again with the screaming. "HEEELLPP!! AAAAHHHH!!! YAAAAHHH!!" screamed Pippin, to Saruman.

Saruman looked up at Pippin and frowned, confused and annoyed. "You're a freaking idiot. So, Treebob, this is your lover?" said Saruman. "I believe you know my name, Sharuman. Anyways, he's not my lover YET, but he will be soon. You got a big bed in here?" said Treebeard. Pippin let out an extremely long, extremely high pitched yell.

Meanwhile...

"AAAAHHHHKK!! Precious! It hurts us! It hurts us!" said Gollum holding his hands over his ears as he heared Pippin's noise. "What IS it?! Where does it COME from?! Aaahhh!! It hurts!" said Gollum, spinning around in circles on the ground. Gollum started trying to run away from the sound when he ran smack dab into Frodo.

"Gollum! What are you doing here?" said Frodo, a suspicious look in his eye. "Sitting in the damn forest reading a book, when I heard some horrible screeching come through the trees at us, yes, Precious!!" said Gollum. Frodo shook his head and looked at the trees. "What kind of a noise was it?" said Frodo. "It sounded like Annie Lennox a little bit, but it was far more high pitched, we know nots what it was!" said Gollum. Frodo put a hand on his chin, thin he scratched his head. "Gots fleas, master?" said Gollum. "No, Gollum, it's not that. I...I believe I may know where this noise is coming from! You see, my cousin Merry came home in the fits today, saying Pippin had been abducted by a tree! Well, there's only one person I know who could make that sound, and that's Pippin! Now, tell me what direction the noise came from!" said Frodo.

Meanwhile...

"This is the biggest bed we've got in the house." growled Saruman, begrudgingly opening the door to a huge guestroom. "Charming. Nice, quant decorating in here. I love the Angel and Buffy bedsheets." said Treebeard. "Angel and Buffy?! I hate that show!! Who set this up?! Grima!!" said Saruman, storming off.

Treebeard kicked the door shut and set Pippin down on the floor. "Ooohh," said Treebeard. "You're not seducing me at all! I don't fancy you, I don't even like you!" said Pippin. "I wasn't moaning seductively, I just have a headache from all your screaming!" said Treebeard. "Ah, well, do you?! Well, I'm glad, you son of a bitch! You deserve pain! I'll never be yours, never!!" said Pippin, and he ran at the door and started beating it with his fists, not knowing that it was actually unlocked.

"Hooommm..." said Treebeard. "Don't say that, it's stupid!!" said Pippin, still pounding frantically on the door. "Oh, alright. Well, hmm...Come away, my beaming beauty!" said Treebeard. Treebeard tried to pull Pippin away from the door but Pippin turned his head around and bit into Treebeard's branch, ripping off some twigs and leaves. "Hey!! I can't afford to lose anymore of my stuff after that fire incident!! Watch it!" snarled Treebeard, pulling his branch-hand away and shaking it, which caused a couple more leaves to fall off.

"You deserve to catch fire!! You should be turned into cinder!" said Pippin, now leaping up and down in frustration in front of the door.

"Those aren't kind words, my love. Perhaps I can do something to change your mood." said Treebeard. He swatted Pippin away from the door. "Well, that didn't do it." said Pippin. Treebeard went over to a stereo system that was on a beauro. He turned it on and Issaic Hayes or some old jazz singer started to moan something. Treebeard began to sway seductively, pretending to take off the arms of an invisible dress.

"Taerreeebeard, you're not wearing anything you big moron!" said Pippin. "It's the IDEA of it, Damn it! Can't you appreciate the thought?! I tell you, nobody appreciates me, nobody appreciates the little things I do, or anything I do, nobody blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...!!" said Treebeard, ranting on.

Pippin decided to try to find a weapon to use against Treebeard as Treebeard stood there rolling his eyes to the ceiling and flailing his branches. Pippin began rustling through drawers and opening the closet door. Finally, Pippin found a pack of matches.

"Stand back! Evil Taerreeebeard, if you don't do exactly as I command, namely bringing me to my freedom, then I'll be in heaps of trouble with Smokey the Bear, ya get what I mean?!?!" said Pippin, holding up a lit match.

Treebeard stopped his rant and looked down at Pippin. "You set me on fire, and this whole room goes up in flames! Besides, Saruman will be pissed off when he sees what you did." said Treebeard. "I doubt that, he hates you. He'll probably be delighted to see you go." said Pippin. "Ok, but back to point one, I go up in flames and so do you. After all, the door's locked." said Treebeard, smiling at his own cleverness.

Pippin sighed in defeat. "I guess that's true..." said Pippin, putting the match down.

Treebeard shut off the stereo. "Obviously you aren't the least bit romantic. Fine, but you shall be mine, Pippin! YOu shall be mine!" said Treebeard, and he lunged at Pippin. "Get away from me!! Is that even possible?! You scummy termite infested old bastard!!" said Pippin, scrambling away from Treebeard to the other side of the room.

"Take that back!! Grrr, don't ever say that about me!! Take it back!!" said Treebeard, enraged. "#&%$ off, wood-man!" said Pippin, on the opposite side of the bed from Treebeard, the bed the only thing between them. "NO ONE SHALL DEFY ME!! YOU SHALL BE MINE!! And we shall see if it's possible when I stick my root up your ass!!" said Treebeard. "You just got this story an R-rating!! You creepy bastard!!" said Pippin.

Pippin flipped over the matress, which was an amazing feat considering how big the matress was and how small he was, and sent it flying up into Treebeard's face, which was probably impossible.

Meanwhile...

Saruman and Grima were playing scrabble.

"What do you suppose they're doing in there?" said Saruman.

"I don't know." said Grima.

Back to the action...

Treebeard stumbled back from the flung mattress and fell on his ass. Pippin threw himself up on the springboard and grabbed a lamp off the nightstand he threw it in Treebeard's face, frowning angrily. He then reached down and picked up a letter opener that had been lying there and threw it pointy end at Treebeard, embedding it into his face. Treebeard rolled around a bit and shook his head after a moment of being dazed, and Pippin, still standing on the under mattress and looking more enraged, proceeded to grab a paperweight that was also on the nightstand and chuck it at Treebeard's crotch.

Pippin furiously hopped down from the bed and saught out another object with which to attack Treebeard. He found a large glass sculpture of a couple of unicorns making out and prepared to throw it at Treebeard, who was starting to sit up.

The door opened a crack, just enough for a hunched over Saruman and Grima to peek their heads in, Saruman's head over Grima's. "Now we can see what's happening." said Grima. At that second, Pippin chucked the unicorn sculpture at Treebeard, but Treebeard dodged it in the knick of time, and the sculpture went whizzing past him and smashed on both Saruman's and Grima's faces.

Saruman and Grima fell to the floor, unconscious, as Pippin quickly took his opportunity to tear out the door as fast as he could. He ran through the halls and found the front door, he wrenched it open and tore out into daylight, running out across the green hills.