"Where the hell ARE we?! You said you knew where we were going, Gollum!" said Frodo. "Maasstaahh needs to shut up, Masstaah is getting on our neerrvess..." said Gollum, leading on.

Frodo looked around at the woods surrounding them. "Where ARE we?! Damn all these misquitoes! It's nearly dusk! We've been wandering around for hours, and there's no sign of Pippin! My legs are getting sore and I can barely see in this light!" said Frodo, frustrated. He stubbed his toe on a tree root and cursed. "We'll be getting there soon...just keep up...." said Gollum. "Pippin's probably dead! We're out in the middle of nowhere! Admit it, will you, you're totally lost!!" said Frodo. "SSSHHUUUUTTT UUUPPPP!!!" squawked Gollum, continuing on at a speedier pace. "I KNOW where I'm going!" he added.

Frodo sighed in frustration and looked around himself at the growing darkness. Somewhere, a wild dog howled.


"And then...and then the tree TOOK him, it took Pippin!!" sobbed Merry, sitting at the bar with one hand on his beer mug handle and the other arm draped over his face, which was laying on the counter. A group of bargoers was listening to him moan and wail about his lost friend, again. "He was carried off screaming, and it was so horrible!!" said Merry. He sobbed harder and then pulled his beer to his face, taking several gulps. "Me best mate! Me cousin!" said Merry, miserably. "So, ah, why aren't you out looking for him instead of at a bar?" asked some guy.

Merry got a thoughtul expression on his face and his jaw moved so far sideways that it dislocated. Merry quickly popped it back into place and nodded seriously. "That's what I should do!" he said, and he jumped off his barstool and ran for the door.

Merry first slammed into the door from his drunkeness, then was hit in the face by it while laying on the floor when Sam burst through it.

"MR. FROOODOOOO!! ARE YOU IN HEERRREEE??!?" called Sam, putting both hands around his mouth and calling out. The whole bar stopped what it was doing and glared at him.

"He ain't here, Sam." said Rosie, smiling like she always did. "D'oh, huh, huh, ooohhggwwaarrssshhh..." said Sam, blushing.

"I saw him earlier." said Merry, wiping his bloodied face on his sleeve. "He said he was going to look for Treebeard." said Merry.

"So he's in the forest?! Don't worry, Mr. Frodo, I'm on my way!" said Sam. Sam turned around and rushed back out the door with a very deterimend look on his face. Sam kicked Merry in the face accidentally while leaving, and Merry passed out.

Sam was running through the forest when an owl swooped down and attacked him. "Aaahh! Aaahh! Noo, I can't be stopped, I have to find Mr. Frodo!!" said Sam, flailing his arms around. The owl kept attacking him and Sam was driven over the side of a steep hill, falling a long distance to the ground.

Below, Aragorn was wandering around the forest like a wild animal and was sniffing a berry to decide whether or not he should consume it. He heard a loud sound and looked up an instant before Sam's form came crashing down on him.

"STRYDER!!" said Sam, looking under himself and seeing Aragorn laying unconscious on the ground. Sam good up and started shaking and slapping Aragorn, and finally Aragorn opened his eyes to see Sam's face hovering over his. "Stryder, you gotta help me find Mr. Frodo!!" said Sam. "Huh....Mr. Frodo?" said Aragorn. "He wandered off somewheres and he's lost I just know it! And he's ascared of the dark! sob, Mr. Frodo is afraid!!....Plus I think his cousin's dead." said Sam.

"Cousin...You mean Pippin? Oh, Sam. Treebeard and Pippin. They're in love." said Aragorn, sitting up and putting his head in his hand. "What?!" said Sam. "Treebeard was supposed to love ME! This story was supposed to be about ME and him, damn it!!" said Aragorn. "Stryder, I don't give a crap about your emotional problems, Mr. Frodo is missing!!" said Sam, angrily. "Mr. Frodo, Mr. Frodo, is that all you ever freaking thing about, Samwise?!" said Aragorn. "Yheah, so what?! The point is, we gotta find him, so get your big ass tough guy do-it-all self up and FIND HIM!!" said Sam.

"OK!" said Aragorn, his eyes widening in shock.


Pippin came flying down a hill, running further and further from where Saruman lived.

"I wish I knew where I was!" said Pippin. He took a tumble and went rolling down a hill like a hoop snake, finally crashing into a treestump at the bottom. "Oh, shite." said Pippin, wobbling up. He looked around, holding his head, disoriented.


Aragorn sniffed something on the ground. "What is it? Is it Mr. Frodo?" asked Sam. "No. It's a turd. Come on, let's go that way." said Aragorn, pointing.

"Ever been in love, Sam?" asked Aragorn, as they walked on. "Sort of." said Sam. "I haven't, but I'm always looking. I mean, there was that Arwen chick, but she's a bore. Besides, I really like guys. At least it seems I do by all the crap I'm always reading about myself." said Aragorn. "Yessir." mumbled Sam, not listening as he looked around for any signs of Frodo.

"If only I could find that special guy. The right person. Just the right one. The one to take my breath away." said Aragorn. "Mmhmm...Mr. Frodo? Mr. Frodo, is that you?" said Sam, looking at a frog's shadow between two trees. "It hurts to be rejected, Sam, even by a tree. I thought we had something special." said Aragorn.

1/2 hour later...

"It's gotten awfully dark, Stryder. Are you sure we're anywhere near Mr. Frodo?" said Sam, a worried expression on his face. "No, not really." said Aragorn.


"Well, Gollum, there's still no sign of Pippin." said Frodo. Gollum didn't say anything. They walked on for a moment more in silence, and then a sound broke through the night.

"CH-CH-CH-CH!!!! HA-HA-HA-HA!!!"

Frodo and Gollum froze. "What...what the..." said Frodo. Gollum swallowed. "Master? Did you do that?" said Gollum. "No, no, it wasn't me..." said Frodo. Gollum looked around, nervously. After a moment, he pulled a Donald Duck plush toy out of his loincloth.

"Smeagol doesn't like strange noises." he said. "Neither does Frodo." said Frodo.

There was a rustling in the bushes around them.

"Ok, ok, we admits it! We admits it! We is lost!!" said Gollum, looking around fearfully and clutching himself.

"Sigh, just as I thought. We're no where NEAR Pippin, or his charred corpse as the case may be. And that sound..." said Frodo, his eyes growing wide as he looked around.

"CH-CH-CH-CH!!!! HA-HA-HA-HA!!!"

"PRECIOUS!!" cried Gollum, clutching the Donald Duck plush toy to his chest. "We is going to dieee, Precious!!" he sobbed. "Smeagol, shut up!!" said Frodo, trying not to panic himself as he looked frantically around himself, trying to figure out where they should go.

"CHCHCHCHCHCH!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" came the sound again.

"EEEYIIIPPEEE!! GIVE ME THAT!!" cried Frodo, wrenching away Gollum's plush toy and holding it. "GIVES IT BACKS!! IT'S MINESS!" hissed Gollum, attacking Frodo. "No, no, it's mine!!" cried Frodo. Gollum knocked Frodo to the ground and beat him senseless untill he could pry his plush toy back.

Gollum stuck out his tongue at Frodo and petted his toy's head as he mosied off. "Ooohh.." groaned Frodo.


"PRECIOUS!!!" screamed Gollum in fear, as loudly as he could.



Pippin stopped in his tracks as he heard the sound. He was on the borders of a forest. "What the &%#?" said Pippin, confused. Pippin scratched his head and frowned. "That sounded like...Gollum! Maybe he knows the way back. Now where was that coming from?" said Pippin. He turned towards the source of the sound and headed towards it.

Back with Frodo and Gollum...

Suddenly, Legolas jumped out from behind a tree, grinning and holding his arms out at his sides. "It's me!! Heeheeheeeheeheeeheeheehee!! I was playing a joke on you!" said Legolas.

Gollum and Frodo looked at eachother. They both charged at him at once, snarling. Legolas smile dropped. "W-wait! I want to help, really! No, wait!! Nooo!!" said Legolas, turning and trying to run too late, as they both pounced on him. "AAAAIIII!!" shrieked Legolas as Gollum knocked his head on a tree like a coconut. Legolas fell to the ground, where Frodo literally kicked his ass and Gollum yanked at his hair. Legolas was soon thrashed unconscious. "How do you like our little joke, Peter Pan?" asked Frodo, as badass as he could be. "Master, he is unconscious." said Gollum.


Merry dragged himself off the ground of the bar. "Oooh, what the...Pippin! Pippin, that's right! I gotta go rescue him!" said Merry. Merry groggily ran out the door as fast as his legs would carry him, which was not very fast. Merry stumbled along and fell to the ground soon after leaving the bar. Merry turned his head back and forth, dizzily. "Pippin...PIPPIN NOOOOOO!!" called Merry, unable to get up.


"Where ARE we, Stryder?! You haven't found jack shite!" said Sam. "Hey, don't you take that accusatory tone with me! I'm the saviour of Middle Earth, nobody would ever get anywhere without me!!" said Aragorn. Sam sighed. "Yheah, whatever." said Sam. Arogorn licked his finger and stuck it out in the wind. "I think we should go this way." said Aragorn, pointing left. "We just came from that way." said Sam. Aragorn looked at him. "Damn it." Aragorn said.


Frodo and Gollum were standing in the clearing near Legolas' unconscious form, deciding what to do, when all of a sudden, they turned at the sound of a noise and saw Pippin come running forward.

"Frodo!! Gollum!! You're here!! Oh, my God, you guys, I was abducted by Taerreeebeard, he's a total psychopath now with red eyes, and you'll never believe what happened!" said Pippin. "Pippin! I thought I'd never find you!" said Frodo. He ran over to Pippin and they grabbed eachothers shoulders and started to jump up and down in slow motion, like they always did when they greeted eachother. "Yaaayy!" they said, happily. They stopped a moment later.

"Well, let me tell ya, I'm glad that adventure's over! I'm ready to go home, now!" said Pippin. He noticed something. "Hey, what's that?" asked Pippin, pointing at Legolas' body. "Oh, uh...we were a little stressed out." said Frodo, frowning.

"Where did you come from, eh?" asked Gollum, to Pippin. "Oh, I just fled from Saruman's castle. It's right up that way." said Pippin, pointing.

"Ha! We WERE going the right way!" said Gollum, pointing at Frodo. "Alright, alright, I'll give you credit." said Frodo. Gollum smiled proudly.

"Mmmmhhh....ooohhh" groaned Legolas, in a low voice. Everyone looked at him. "Oh, did you need any help, Legolas?" asked Frodo. "No..." groaned Legolas, slowly standing up. "That's ok. I'll be fine. See you later." said Legolas, dragging himself back off into the forest and dissapearing.


"It's not right, a man like me, not being able to find love. I tried to get it on with Legolas once, but he said he was straight. Can you imagine that? In a fanfiction, for God's sake?!" said Aragorn, annoyed. "Shhh! I hear something!" said Sam. Aragorn looked in the direction Sam was looking. They both paused. There was a distant rustling up ahead. They stood stock still as the sound quickly grew nearer.

"Mr. Frodo?" asked Sam, an instant before Treebeard came barreling out of the forest, roaring. "PIIPPPIINNN!!! COME BACK, MY BRIDE!!" Treebeard bellowed.

Aragorn and Sam looked at eachother and jumped in shock at the same time. They both took off running away from Treebeard. "Yaaaaahhhh!!" they said.


"It's my responsibility to save my twerp-o cousin and I'm gonna do it! I'm comin' Pip! I says, I'm comin!" said Merry. "What are you doing?" asked Gimli, standing next to where Merry was still laying on the ground. Merry puked and then looked at him. "Gimli? What are you doing here?" said Merry. "Just hangin' out. You look like you've had a few pints too many." said Gimli. "No such thing." grunted Merry. "There's a little thing called AAA Merry." said Gimli. "You mean AA." said Merry. "Look, don't go gettin' all uppity and pretendin' you're smarter than I am." said Gimli. "Ok, ok. Anyway, help me up, would you? Pippin's in trouble and I got to go rescue him." said Merry. Gimli pulled Merry to his feet.

When they finally made it to the edge of the woods, Pippin came walking out with Frodo and Gollum.

"Merry!!" said Pippin. "Pippin!!" said Merry. They started screaming and jumping up and down, hugging eachother. "Uuugh, Merry, you threw up all over my shirt!" said Pippin. Gimli beamed. "Everything looks in order, now!" said Gimli.

"Pippin, I was gonna come look for you, just now, really, man." said Merry. "Don't worry about it, Merry. The point is I'm home, now. We're all together! Now let's all go have a pint." said Pippin. They all turned and cheerfully headed towards the bar.


They were inside the bar when they heard someone screaming outside. "PPPIIIIIPPPPIIIIINNNNNN!!!" came Treebeard's booming voice. Pippin's head shot around. "What the..." said Pippin. "You don't suppose..." said Frodo, eyes wide. "It couldn't be Treebeard?!" said Merry. "Yep, it's him alright." said Gollum, slurping down the last of his beer.

Sam and Aragorn burst into the bar, Aragorn swinging both doors open at once. "EVERYBODY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! There's a talking tree out there!!" said Aragorn.

"Mr. Frodo!!!" said Sam, running towards Frodo. "Hmm? Sam? What have you been up to?! Aahh, Sam!!" said Frodo, as Sam leapt onto him like a hyperactive dog, knocking him from his barstool. "So glad you're safe, Mr. Frodo..." sobbed Sam, his tears dripping down onto Frodo's face. "Aahgg..." said Frodo, as he struggled not to drown in Sam's river of tears.

"PIPPPIIINN, YOOOUUU SHALL BEE MIIINNEE!!" roared Treebeard, outside.

"Gimli, do you mind if I borrow your axe for a minute?" asked Pippin. "Err, no, Pippin, go right ahead." said Gimli. Pippin took the axe from Gimli. "I have a bit of unfinished business to attend to." said Pippin, frowning darkly. He hopped off his barstool and headed outside.

A couple months later...

"I have to hand it to you, Pip. This new wooden chair and table set is the finest woodwork I've ever seen you do." said Merry, as they all sat at Pippin's table. "Yes. I think when you cut the lumber yourself, it really instills you with a sense of pride." said Pippin, smiling, as he poured everyone more tea.


"Romances never work out, do they, Grima?" asked Saruman, playing Gin Rummy with Grima.

"Not in my experience." said Grima.

"No, no, never. You know, I had a girlfriend once. A little sick in the head, but she was mine. Oh, well, that was a long time ago. Love. Bah!" said Saruman.

"Yes, sir." said Grima.

"Just us bachelers." said Saruman.

"Er..." said Grima. "Say, Grima, do you wax your eyebrows?" asked Saruman, raising an eyebrow. "No, they just fell out." said Grima. "Oh. Hmm, Grima, is that a new foundation." said Saruman. "Um, no, sir." said Grima. "You, know, Grima..." said Saruman, a creepy smile creeping onto his face.

Suddenly, the doors burst open and a thousand orcs appeared.

"Who the hell are you?!" said Saruman.

"We've been sent to stop you from making another horrible slash romance!!" said the leader orc. "Oh?! And you think you can stop me, do you?!" asked Saruman, standing up and putting his hands on his hips. "Yheah!! I do!!" said the leader orc. "Well, how about this?!" said Saruman, rushing forward and giving the orc a big wet kiss.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed everyone, fictitious or real, living or dead, in every universe and dimension. Even you. You just didn't know it because you were in a state of total insanity.


Pippin shuddered.

"Well, that was odd! More tea?" said Pippin.

The End.