Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Smallville characters, the show Smallville, or Lois Lane. Nor am I affiliated with any of the actors, creators or producers.

Note: This is just a fic for fun. If it offends anyone please let me know and I'll be sure to remove it right away.

Jerry Springer: Smallville Style

Clark could hear the incredibly loud yells of the audience from the back room where he was seated. He was sitting on a blue couch: a mighty uncomfortable one, he had to add. Why he was here, he had no idea, but he hadn't put up a fight when Chloe had grabbed both him and Pete and dragged them off to a studio somewhere. Actually no, that's a lie. There was a car sent for them. It was sleek, like something Lionel would be driven in, yet not quite a limo. He was stuffed in, wedged in next to Chloe, who had a mischievous smile on her face. She had definitely plotted something.

They had arrived at a large studio building and before they could make a move, he and Pete were blind folded and each was brought to a separate back room. So now, here he was. He sighed. It was going to be a long day.

The chants became louder and louder, and suddenly he realized where he was. The audience shouted "Jerry! Jerry!" louder and louder each time until they were silenced. Clark felt as if he would die from humiliation! He was going to leave, but he remembered the cameras. He couldn't chance exposing his secret, so he stayed. He supposed it wasn't that bad, since he was kind of curious as to why Chloe had brought him here.

In the silence he heard a voice.

"So Chloe, what brings you here today?" Jerry asked.

"Well, Jerry, there is this guy, Clark, who I like. He loved me back once and I suspect he still does. I want him to choose between me and the other girl he likes, Lana. I believe there is also something he needs to tell me, and he knows what that is."

Clark shuddered at the thought of his secret being revealed on national television. He saw the introduction of the next guest on the mini-screen.

"Well we have a surprise for you Chloe. We would like to introduce our next guest, Ms. Lana Lang!"

Lana walked out dressed in pink, as always, and she sat down in a chair away from Chloe. "He loves me Chloe so back off!" Lana yelled.

"Then why did he go to the dance with me?" Chloe smirked.

"He left you to come save me!"

"Did not!"

"Yes he damn well did!!!"

"Shut up you cheap imitation of Barbie!" Chloe yelled as she stood up and punched Lana square in the jaw.

Lana stood up and uppercut Chloe, then she kneed her in the ribs. "Stupid jerk. I kicked your ass at school before and I'll do it again."

Finally Steve and the other bodyguards stopped watching the catfight in awe and ran over, holding each of the girls back while they continued to kick and scream curses at each other.

Meanwhile, Clark was sitting like a mouse on the large sofa in the back room. He had never seen Lana and Chloe like this. While he was flattered at the fact they were fighting over him, he didn't want them to kill each other. He had winced a little when Lana had kneed Chloe. That was definitely going to leave a mark.

Once Chloe and Lana were sitting in their chairs, Jerry decided to introduce the next guest.

"This may be a surprise Ms. Sullivan but we've brought someone here to see you. Will Ms. Lois Lane please come out?"

Lois walked out onto the stage. She was really nervous. Wearing her normal black work outfit with high-heeled shoes, she looked very professional. Sitting next to Chloe, she said, "You're making a big mistake."

"I'm what?" Chloe almost screamed at her cousin.

"There are so many other men out there! Just go to Metropolis. Don't waste your time on this 'hack from nowheresville'."

"How dare you not only insult my town but Clark too? And what's wrong with a farm boy, Lois, what?"

Lois pulled back at the angry look in Chloe's eyes. "Just...trying...to...help," she said.

"You stupid...you! Try to help somewhere else! You think you're so much better just because you're from Metropolis, well I'll show you a thing or two!"

Then Chloe picked up her chair and chased a very frightened Lois around the stage. Lana, realizing exactly what Lois had said, forgot her battle with Chloe and began to chase Lois too. In the nick of time, Jerry introduced the next guest.

Clark looked questioningly at the screen. He was pissed. Who the hell did Lois think she was, calling him a "hack from nowheresville?" He reached for the couch arm to calm himself, and it broke in his hands. "Crap," he said. Then he heard Jerry's announcement. "Next we would like to introduce Mr. Clark Kent himself."

Knowing his cue, but not knowing if he wanted to be a part of the mayhem that now ensued, he cautiously walked out to the stage. As he entered, a string of "boo's" ran through the audience. He wanted to fry them all, but that would draw too much attention to him. He sat down in between Lana and Lois.

"Who the hell you do think you are, calling me a 'hack from nowheresville', Ms. Lane?"

"Um, err, well, I...wait a minute you little toad. Don't talk to me like that. I was only concerned for Chloe's well being considering that you never are."

"What do you mean, I'm not?"

"You hurt her feelings all the time."

Chloe stood up. "Don't I have a say in this?"

Both Clark and Lois glared at Chloe. Chloe ignored them. "Clark I want you to pick. Lana Lang or me!"

"Uh..." Clark stammered.

"Oh don't give me that bull Clark!" Lana shouted. "You know that it's me you want."

Lois sighed and sat back in her seat. She needed an aspirin. Again, Chloe and Lana stood up and began to fight. Chloe grabbed Lana's hair, and Lana angrily gave Chloe a foot to the face. Chloe picked up a chair to block Lana's punches and kicks.

Clark couldn't take it anymore. He ran over in front of Lana. "Stop! Both of you!"

Before he realized it the chair that Chloe was holding was slammed down on his head, breaking into a million pieces. The audience as well as Lana, Chloe and Lois were all eyeing him suspiciously.

"Uh-oh," he thought.