General Ramblings: Van Helsing is very OOC in this story, so forgive me if you do not like such things. OMG! I am actually writing something other than LOTR so forgive me for any mistakes. I apologize profusely not only for grammatical errors but also for any regarding the story. I have not seen the movie in a while, and this is my first Van Helsing fic. Anything within the :these things: are thoughts. Hope it isn't too confusing for you. I wrote this on a whim because I was so happy... well, just happy(I won't elaborate, lol). Also, no slash; one-shot fic.

Spoilers: Major spoilers for the movie!

Disclaimer: Ah, ok. The rights to the movie belong to, er, well actually, I'm not sure, but to make a long story short, I do not own Van Helsing.

Summary: Van Helsing battles with inner demons after his return from Transylvania.

Beta: No beta… once again I apologize for any mistakes made during the story.

Numb

"You killed her."

Carl's voice was disbelieving and… afraid; the words reverberated in Van Helsing's mind over and over, like a broken record player. Carl looked at Van Helsing as though he was still the monster he was just a few moments ago, and Van Helsing thought painfully to himself, he still was that monster. How could he have just killed the only person he had really ever loved?

:This can't be real:

:I won't believe:

:Oh God…:

Van Helsing looked back down at Anna, a tear falling from his eyes. Just then, miraculously, she stirred. He stared down at her and she slowly opened her eyes. He gazed deeply into them, shocked. She began to rise but he put gentle pressure on her, holding her down so she would not get hurt further. Just as he leaned down to kiss her, she said, " Gabriel!"

He pulled back.

Since when did Anna call him by his first name? Abruptly, her eyes turned a coal, malicious black. Dracula then appeared instead of her, saying mockingly, "Gabriel! Oh Gabriel!"

Van Helsing pulled back, his mask of indifference once again covering his face, though first he allowed a look for disgust. He bit his lip. Dracula did the same, mimicking him in a mocking way. Then he face showed a cruel look as his lips formed a malicious smile. "Murderer!" he whispered in a voice just loud enough for Van Helsing to hear.

:No…:

"Murderer!"

:No…:

"We are not so different…you and I."

"NO!"

Van Helsing jerked up from his bed, his sheets soaked with sweat. Would those nightmares ever go away, or would they forever haunt him? He was still breathing hard from the evil dream.

He noticed tears upon his cheeks and he was about to angrily wipe them away when Carl walked in, apparently not noticing that anything was wrong for a moment. Then he saw that Van Helsing was covered in a sheen of sweat and tears lingered on his face. Needless to say, Van Helsing looked a little worse for wear.

Van Helsing turned away; embarrassed that Carl had seen him in this pathetic state. He did not want anyone to know that he still had nightmares. That the fear was ever foreboding upon him that Dracula would find a way to return and take someone else he loved, or even worse, force him to instead. Carl looked at Van Helsing, but said nothing. Van Helsing wiped the tears away from his face.

Carl then attempted to change the subject, though he did not do a very good job as he abruptly blurted, "They're sending you on a new mission."

Van Helsing looked up sharply, he had returned over a month ago, and so far they had let him be, but apparently he was not to have peace any longer. Why him? Why had he been chosen for this? He thought to himself, frustrated. Because of what he did, everyone he cared for seemed to get hurt. Innocent bystanders got hurt. All because of evil, that cruel, cruel word that Van Helsing had grown to hate.

Van Helsing despised it. As a matter of fact, he hated what his life consisted of… and yet, he knew if he were not doing his job, more people would get hurt. It was the only thing that kept him going. The fact that he was doing some good, the fact that he was adding a light, albeit how small it might be compared with the entire earth, to his small corner. Though, admittedly, he did travel often to many places. He sighed, accepting his fate. Carl was looking at his face as though studying him. "Carl!" he said, loudly.

Carl jumped, looking as though he had been caught doing something he shouldn't have done. "They are sending you after some sort of monster, or something of the sort. Nothing that you haven't already done before."

Van Helsing looked down at the floor before slowly nodding his head. "Very well… do I need any sort of certain weapon that I don't already have?" he said, some sort of strange amusement playing across his eyes. Carl looked excited as he said, "Well, actually, you see, I am working on an experiment, and…"

Van Helsing raised his hand, interrupting him. "Forgive my interruption, Carl, but perhaps you should finish your invention first."

"Oh! But…" Carl trailed off, looking disappointed.

Van Helsing smiled, the first genuine smile since his own hand had killed Anna. He shook his head, wanting to forget and yet knowing he would not, could not. He followed Carl despondently from the room after pulling on some decent clothes.

Carl led him down some stairs, until they arrived in a small, cold, stone room, which was filled with the light of several candles. The wax had been melting and now covered the wooden table around it. Had Van Helsing noticed this before Anna's death, he would have most likely made a joke about fire hazards, but now he simply looked at the candles sadly, as though sympathizing with them. He knew how it felt to be burnt out, and to want to keep burning, but have nothing left to burn… nothing left to give. He shook his head once again, trying to concentrate as one of the cardinals spoke to him about his mission, but failing. The only parts he caught were where his mission would most likely be and what the monster had been doing recently.

The next thing he knew, he was being ushered along again, this time to the room of inventions. A few weapons were pushed into his arms and he absent-mindedly put them away.

By the time he arrived at the place he needed to be, it was dark. He strained his ears for any sound. He heard a scream and instantly ran towards it. When he arrived, there was nothing more than a body with blood pooled around it. The corpse was that of a young girl with dark hair and eyes. She reminded him of Anna, and he was so distracted by his memories that he did not notice the figure looming over him until it jumped at him.

He ducked away, but not before his head had crashed against the ground. He felt warm blood running down his temple. Dizziness overtook him for a moment as he saw black spots dancing before his eyes. Then, he rolled out of the way just as the monster crashed into the ground beside him. Van Helsing took the chance to pull out his sword and hack at a leg. However, before he could finish, the monster jumped up again with a roar. The leg he had hacked at was bleeding copiously and the beast panicked. For a moment Van Helsing hesitated, he now had great qualms at killing the monster. Suppose that when the man who had been transformed was normal, he had a life… had children, a wife, a family depending upon him.

"Now you will become that which you have hunted so passionately for."

The words that Frankenstein had told him echoed back in his head. The moment that Van Helsing had hesitated was all that the creature needed to attack him again. It knocked him down to the ground as it drove it's sharp claw through his arm. He yelled. Van Helsing stayed there for a moment, the wind knocked out of him.

"We are not so different… you and I!"

"Murderer…"

Just as the monster jumped upon him, Van Helsing pulled out his sword and stuck it straight up above him. The monster was impaled, His eyes were wide open with horror. As Van Helsing pushed the beast off of him, it began to transform. A middle-aged man lay there, his eyes wide open in death. Blood pooled around his body. Van Helsing felt guilt lay heavy on his heart. He instantly thought of Velkan, Anna's brother.

"You killed him!"

Van Helsing looked sadly at Anna. Though pain shot through his body from the wound he had received from the werewolf, he slowly whispered, "Now you know why they call me a murderer."

Now he was stuck in a nightmare that wouldn't end. He grabbed his hat, ignoring the utter pain coursing through his veins.

With that, he stood up, a dark shadow in the night walking silently down alleyways, unafraid of the night… He saw a Wanted poster of himself. He tore it down after studying the drawing of his face. Rather unflattering, he thought to himself, as he crumpled it up and threw it over his shoulder. From behind him he heard a yell, "VAN HELSING!"

Van Helsing continued to walk, not looking behind him as he whispered to himself, "You're welcome."