Chapter 1: Rude Awakening

One morning in a small town named pellet- I mean Pallet Town, there is a young ass who wants to cause great explosions and score 24 hours-a-day. His name is ass- I mean Ash Ketchup- God Damn it, Ash Ketchum.

In the background a rooster crows. Ash quickly jumps out of bed in a panic.

"FIRE, FIRE! STOP-DROP-ROLL-STOP-DROP-ROLL," screamed ash. "Ah what the Hell? That goddamn rooster!" (Pulls out an AK-47) "HA!" yells Ash shooting the bird. "HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, YOU STUPID COCK?! Bitch! Wake that up in the morning!"

Ash looks at the clock. ". . . . oh, shit I'm late," says Ash. "Ash! Get down here now!" called a feminine, very angry voice. Ash stared at the wall for five minutes, and then said, "Fuck."

Ash got up, hid all evidence of an AK (even though he didn't think it'd do much good, what with AK shells and a bloody puddle that was once his mom's prize rooster). He then took a bag of crack and slipped it into his pocket. If his mom was gonna have him arrested, he at least wanted to be stoned while in jail.

"What is it mom?" Ash asked innocently once he had gone downstairs. "Did you shoot my rooster?" she demanded.

Ash reasoned with himself for a moment. If he lied to his mom, she'd probably cut his head off and stick it on the top of the nearest windmill, but if he told it up straight . . . he could probably get away with a simple gunshot to the head.

"Um . . . yeah," Ash mumbled. "Why?" she asked. "Well, the stupid bastard woke me up for the fifth time in a row!" shouted Ash indignantly. "Don't swear!" his mom snapped. "Well it's hard not to since I haven't scored in a month!" said Ash. "Yeah . . . I can understand that," said his mom. "Anyway, As far as shooting the rooster . . ." "I'm sorry," said Ash, inwardly grinning at the memory of the bird squawking in fright as he saw the muzzle of Ash's AK. "Don't be," said his mom. "I was about ready to steal your AK and shoot it myself. It wouldn't fertilize the damn eggs. I need more hens." Ash breathed a sigh of relief. "Thanks mom." He looked at his watch. "Fuck! I'm late!" "Don't . . . "started his mom, until she looked at the clock. "Oh fuck! You're late!" Ash stared at his mom; he didn't know her to swear so violently, and then said frantically, "I don't have any clothes packed! And I'm not showing up to Oak's lab in my Playboy pajamas." "Ah, shut the fuck up and get your ass to Maple's!" "Uh, it's Oak," said Ash. "Didn't I just tell you to shut the fuck up and get your ass outta here!" yelled his mom, beatin' his ass with a wooden spoon. "And don't leave your crack lying around!"

Ash grabbed the bag that his mom had prepared for him, kissed her, and ran out the door. On the way, he passed Mr. Mime, who held out his gloved hand expectantly. Ash sighed, and drew out the bag of crack. Ash gave Mr. Mime a few pinches, who promptly drew out some joint paper, rolled it up, and began to smoke. The then proceeded to whack the shit out of Ash's mom's rose bushes, singing "Born to be Wild".

Ash laughed and shook his head as he ran down the road to Professor Oak's lab. He could sit for hours and watch his mom's high Mr. Mime go whack little kids in the ass with his umbrella. It was even better when it tried to imitate Mary Poppins, and wind up face-first in an alleyway garbage can.

Ash finally reached the lab, where he saw Gary walking out, smoking a joint. His cheerleaders, finally in at least a bra, were tailing him, feeling his hair and other certain parts of Gary's anatomy.

"You bro," said Gary, clasping Ash's hand. "You ready to start our journey? It comes with free whores." "Sweet," said Ash, rolling up a joint himself and lighting it. At this point one of the cheerleaders walked over and began massaging his chest. "Oh, bad news Ash, my man," said Gary. "All the Poke'mon are taken. I managed to get the last one he had: a Squirtle, but it looks like you're outta luck." "FUCK!" shouted Ash. "He's got to have a decent Poke'mon left. He's got to!" "Go check yourself," said Gary.

Ash ran into the lab, banging the double doors open as he skidded to a halt in front of the sleeping Professor Oak.

"Professor!" said Ash. "Are you out of Poke'mon?" "I didn't do it," said Oak, jerking out of his doze. "Oh Ash. No, I'm not out of Poke'mon, just the cool ones." "Well, right now, I don't care, I just need a Poke'mon." "Suit yourself," said Oak, drawing a Poke'ball from his pocket and handing it to Ash. "Sweet," said Ash, jerking into a daydream.

Ash was sitting in a reclining chair on some beach, massaging one of the cheerleader's boobs, and smoking.

"Slave!" he shouted. "Bring me the Kool-Aid!"

A Poke'mon in chains walked up to him, passing a pitcher shaped like a monkey to Ash, which he chugged.

"Ash. Ash! ASH!!!" "Ho, what? My bad, just thinking about my future," said Ash. "Check it out," said the Professor good-naturedly.

Ash opened the Poke'ball. It began to glow, and then it opened in a shower of white light. And a Poke'mon appeared. Ash was amazed, excited, and pissed off all at the same time. It was . . .