The drone stood tall in the white lab coat it had managed to scavenge from a human scientist's corpse. Everything was ready now; he had a name, a uniform, even an office! All he needed now was a patient…
Luckily for him, there was always one xenomorph soldier or another that felt the need for a consultation and a heart-to-heart between the seemingly-endless hours of slaughter, kidnapping and incubating. Today, the first day of the drone's new occupation, was no exception. No sooner had he flipped the sign on the entrance to his makeshift office (a corridor of the Hive that had previously suffered a cave-in at one end) then a solider stomped in and threw his self onto the couch.
"I need to talk to you, Doc," he muttered in the tone usually adopted by those who had long fallen off the edge, and were now hanging onto it for dear life thanks to their jagged tail. "I…I think I'm going crazy!"
"Maybe you are, maybe you're not! Who's to say?" the doctor drone told him with a shrug as he pulled-up a chair beside his first patient. "But we'll get around to all that later…name?"
"Moe," the soldier alien mumbled as if he didn't believe himself.
"Full name, please?"
"I don't really have a full name," Moe told him with a frown, "but my friends usually call me 'Moe, You Lazy Bum,' does that count?"
"That will do nicely, thank you," the doctor nodded sympathetically, writing down this piece of information as best he could with a pen in his clawed grip. "And, for the record, my name…is Doctor Mandible Lecture. Pleased to make your acquaintance, I assure you."
"The pleasure is all mine, Doctor," Moe sighed, thankful that, at last, someone was prepared to listen to him.
"No it's not," Doctor Lecture snapped curtly.
"It's not?" asked the confused soldier, his forehead wrinkling in the no-eyed alien equivalent of a human frown.
"No," the Doctor told him firmly, "you are not here to pleasure me or yourself, are we quite clear on that? This is a consultation, not a whore's den…"
"But I know a good place not far from here if that's…"
"No, no, a consultation is fine with me, Doctor," Moe interrupted hurriedly, fearing this may take a path he wasn't entirely prepared to travel down.
"Fine," murmured Doctor Lecture, scribbling down more notes. "Fine, so what appears to be the problem?"
"I'm seeing things," Moe muttered mysteriously, "weird, alien things…"
"Well, we are in fact aliens ourselves, so you may well just be seeing everyday events," the doctor drone told Moe with a reassuring pat on the shoulder. "It's entirely natural, believe me…"
"No, I mean other weird, alien things…like shadowy figures that appear before my eyes before vanishing again a second later, then it comes back, then it goes, back, then it goes again, back, then it goes again, back…"
"Then it goes again?" Doctor Lecture asked with a resigned sigh.
But the xeno soldier shook his head, "No, that's when I walked away and came here…" it said simply.
"And you haven't seen or felt anything else since then?" the Doctor asked carefully, noting down the soldier's every reaction. "You haven't seen any flying elephants, little people that try and persuade you that burning the Hive down really is a good idea? No cats that grin at you before disappearing, leaving only their smiles behind which then turns into a banana which begs to be eaten? No six foot bipedal rabbits with faces like skulls that reveal the secrets of the world and how it will end? Have you ever seen a big-headed scarred living doll that yearns to be incarnated into human flesh? Do you think that none of this exists, and that we're all part of some complex computer programme? Do you believe that one of us is the key to the survival of our race in the upcoming war against the machines, and that to ensure their victory those selfsame machines send a ruthless killing robot back in time to kill the chosen leader of our race? Do you believe that there lives a horribly scarred and disfigured man that lives in your dreams but can only manifest himself when you think about him?"
The kind Doctor slowly ground to a halt, gasping for breath and whispering to his self that, "It would all be okay."
"Erm, no," Moe the xenomorph soldier answered simply in the silence that followed. "Why, have you?"
"Hmm? Oh, no, but I've totally exhausted my knowledge of human movie trivia," Doctor Mandible muttered with an apologetic shrug. "I'm sorry, I'm afraid I got carried away…now, this shadowy figure, can you describe it?"
"It was…black and…shadowy, I guess," the soldier answered weakly. "Oh, I dunno, Doc! Any ideas what it could be?"
"Not yet, but I do believe just talking about it has helped you get it out of your system," the Doctor told him with a warm, fang-filled smile. "Do you feel any better?"
"Actually…yeah, I do!" leaping up from the couch, the soldier gave a joyful whoop, performed a backflip and shook the surprised drone doctor's claw. "Thanks, Doc! I'll never forget this! That hallucination won't be bothering me no more! Yippee!"
Paying the Doctor's fee of 1,000 credits (yes, theQueen was now paying her troops)Moe skipped and bounced out of the 'office' and round the corner, a figure winked into existence and stepped out of the shadows.
"Good work, Doctor Lecture, Sir," the Predator congratulated the alien, smiling evilly behind its mask. "You want me to start messing with his mind again?"
"Give it a day or two," the Doctor murmured as the soldier's rendition of 'Zip-pe-dee-do-dah' carried faintly through the corridors. Sharing the same evil smile as his odd partner, Doctor Mandible Lecture rubbed his claws together greedily. "The plan works, give it a week or so at this rate and you and I will be rich!"
"Mmmm," moaned the Predator happily, drool seeping from under its mask. "Richness..."
Contrary to popular belief, Aliens and Predators can make good allies as long as they share a common goal. And nothing says 'teamwork' like a million credits a month!
Also, in answer to Air of Mystery's question, xenomorph is the correct scientific name for the Alien's species.