Short fic about Van Helsing's thoughts after he kills Anna.


I changed back into a man, howling my sorrow for as long as my wolf body would allow me. Oh God, she's dead. I crushed her. I killed her... I killed the only woman I have ever loved! God, how could you have let me do this? Tears prick at my eyes and I desperately attempt to hold them back. I am the famous Van Helsing. The famous Van Helsing should not be so weak as to cry. I remember the transformation as being dreadfully painful, and yet I feel nothing. I feel as though I am in a nightmare that will not go away. If I cry, I am showing weakness and if I don't I emanate coldness. Carl must hate me... he must think I am a dreadful monster. I don't deserve to be human once again... I should have forever been cursed with the werewolf life. I should be dead... and yet I am not; Anna is.

My thoughts seem so broken; I skip from one thought to another thought, never finishing one thought. Does it really matter? Oh God, oh my God, please help me! Please wake me from this nightmare... please make it all end. I can not bear the pain. I want so desperately to cry and yet I will not allow it. I can not allow it... I can't be so weak as to cry. I won't; I won't admit defeat... I won't...

Somewhere in the back of my mind I hear Carl say she's dead, but that's nothing I didn't already know... Curse Dracula! If not for him, Anna would still be alive!

"Van Helsing, you murderer!"

"You killed him!"

"She's dead."

"Don't be weak."

"Your reputation precedes you."

"Some say you are a murderer; others say you are a holy man. Which is it?"

"Murderer..."

Emotions and memories hit me as I gently pick Anna up. My throat is choked with sobs... Oh God... please... don't let her die... please...

I can't help it.

I weep; tears pour from my eyes as my body is racked with sobs. My breathing is short and sudden with gasps for air into my starving lungs. I try to stop, but I no longer seem to have control over what is happening to me. All I can think about is Anna and how I loved her...

Just when I think my tears have subsided, more come.