A/N- Hi EVERYONE! I am Dawn-roberts aka Kaley aka The Winged Defender.... but thats an entirely differently story. So any way... I am here with Queen Victoria, all hail. So here goes...
Andrew :Gentle viewers, we now embark on a special tale..
Spike: BLOOODY HELL! Get on wif it , you git.
Andrew: Okay, jeez, don't crack your light saber. [clears throat]
As I was saying, gentle viewers, this is a special tale, written by two mythical figures, hopped up on coffee, Pepsi, and red bull (Which explains dawn-roberts' new nickname, the Winged Defender, but again, off topic). It is a tale chronicling the toughest trial and tribulation Buffy , Slayer of the Vampyres has ever endured...... LAUNDRY!!! Mwaa haa haa.
Spike : I'm warning you mate, carry on.
Andrew: With an unforgettable cast, this is surely a parody that will be remembered for ever.
Anya: Oh. Is this my line? I'm reading off of the strange box with moving words? Ok? Anya pause.
Andrew: No, fair Anya .
Anya: But it says "Anya. Pause" Then it says "read cast of characters".
CAST OF CHARACTERS
In Highly Caffinated Order:
Buffy as : Herself
Spike as: Himself
Johnny: That would be short for William, I imagine. Good strong name, no doubt named for your father, eh?
Andrew: Please excuse dashing Johnny. It seems he's been smoking something...
Johnny : Human hair [pauses] from my back.
Andrew: So it would seem...
Johnny Depp as : The Random Guy Quoting Various Johnny Depp films
Johnny: But you have heard of me.
Laundry Gnomes as : Themselves
Willow as : Herself
Dawn as : Herself
Andrew as : Himself
Anya as : Herself
Xander as: Himself
Giles as : Himself
Toilet Dolphin as : The Toilet Dolphin
END CAST OF CHARACTERS
Anya: It says "Anya , stop reading" Do I listen?
Andrew: Ahem. Yes. And now ... dun dun dun... 'The Laundry'
Spike : WELL IT'S ABOUT SODDING TIME!
Buffy sat there, at the tiny island in the center of the Summers' kitchen, amazed at how many pickles were being consumed. It seemed everyone she knew was in her kitchen. Eating pickles. Lots of pickles. And just as it seemed that it couldn't get any stranger, Xander throws an exceptionally large dill at Spike, slopping pickle juice down his red shirt.
"Oh my Joss!" exclaims Dawn. At once, everyone in the kitchen, including Johnny Depp, drops what ever they are eating and stands up, raising their hands in the air as is customary to praise He Who Is Most Knowledge And Gives Us Things, Joss. For all of the creature in this fair story are Whedish, for Whedonism is their religion.
"Bloody hell, you sodding wanker of a bollocksy git! Now I have to wash my shirt." Spike growls at Xander.
"I want you to have a bite of my pork." Johnny screams from the corner, and no one knows why.
"Fine, Spike. Just take your shirt off and I'll wash it." Buffy rolls her eyes as usual.
[The setting changes. All the lights fade away, except one. A spotlight is shone on Spike, who, in incredibly slow motion, peels off his shirt, revealing finely chiseled abs of alabaster. We hear someone murmur " Giddy Up... no, no this way... good horsey." and assume it is that strange Depp character.]
[The lights go back to normal and everyone seems to not have notice, except Andrew and Xander, both of whom stare, but quickly glance away when the lights return to normal, and Giles, who is intensely cleaning his glasses.]
Spike quickly hands his shirt to Buffy, who turns towards the laundry room but pauses.
"We don't have a laundry room...?" She asked puzzled, then rolls her eyes.
"Thats right!" Willow speaks up, and everyone remembers that she is actually there. "Joss..." pause as everyone worships him, spinning around in place. "Never wrote us a washer and dryer."
"I think we've all arrived at a very special place. Spiritually, ecumenically, grammatically." No one acknowledges poor Johnny, who seems to be quoting every movie he's ever been in, because neither of our mythical authors know how to write him.
Every turns, not an easy thing in a tiny kitchen filled with 9 people, except Anya, who of didn't turn because she knew who said it. She did. She becomes flustered with every staring at her, so she screams it again.
"Bathtub! We can wash his shirt in the bathtub!"
"Ah!" Everyone exclaims, nodding their heads so the kitchen looks like a mosh pit. Following Buffy, who has once again rolled her eyes, all 9 of them make their way up the stairs to the bathroom, which unfortunately Joss [Authors pause to worship He Who Won't Sue Them For Using His Characters] has made quite tiny.
"How often do I have to tell you? There is no Horseman, never was a Horseman, and never will be a Horseman. " Johnny cried out, pointing to the toilet. There sat a tiny dolphin. Everyone, quite scared, looked away and moved towards the bathtub.
When they got to the tub, they decided it would get more clean if all 9 of them were in the bathtub. So in they got. Then they heard a tiny scream.
A loud groan from everyone in the tub, as they realize that they have to put their hands in their air and spin around, not the easiest feat for 9 people in a bathtub. And as they do, Andrew trips on something , tumbling down . As he does, he grabs ahold of Johnny for balance.
"I can let you drown, but I can't bring this ship into Tortuga all by me onesies, savvy?" Mr. Depp cries, as he falls with Andrew.
Because the tub is only about yay big, this causes a domino reaction. By the time the hysteria ends, everyone is dog piled on top of whatever screamed earlier and no one can move.
"Welcome to the Caribbean, luv." Johnny grins at Dawn, who is ever so confused. Just then, everyone hears a small pop. And a tiny tiny man in a toga made from stolen socks [The Winged Defender- So THATS where they go!!!]
"Ellow!" He smiled, showing a few random teeth. "I am Balthazar, the Laundry Gnome. I have come to grant you three wishes!"
"Barty?" A muffled voice calls from the bottom of the dog pile. Barty squints, trying to figure out who was talking to him.
"Anyanka?" He asks back.
"Who DON'T you know?" yells a muffled Xander.
"I am a Federal officer. If you kill me, you will be in a lot of trouble; not to mention having every US Marine from here to Guantanamo after your... monkey!"... Of course, Johnny.
"Barty! But you're not a laundry gnome, you're a vengeance demon? We did business together, oh, 500 or so years ago... the good ol' days." The dog pile of people moved as Anya squirmed her way to the top.
"Aye, lassie. Them be the good days." Barty paused and seemed to wipe a tear from his eye. "But then I made me the mistake of crossing a witch. And the bitty turned me from a vengeance demon to a wee man, cursed to a life of stealing laundry and sleeping a pile of dryer lint."
"So, there is a curse? That's interesting." Johnny asks, puzzled.
"Wait, steal laundry?" Spike wiggled his way out of the pile. "Then why the bloody hell are you here?"
At that moment, Balthazar snapped his fingers, and Spikes red shirt appeared in his tiny hand.
"I have come for this, silly bloodsucker. A rare piece, indeed. And look, covered in pickle juice, the drink of choice for top laundry gnomes. Thank you, laddie. I shall be remembered in history for this. They will make me mayor of the City Of Abandoned Socks."
And with that, the tiny man giggled insanely. And with a pop, he was gone again.
"If you were waiting for the opportune moment, that was it." The man called Depp says to Spike, who growls angrily, and lunges at him. But as he does, his foot finds the topside of a bar of soap and he slides through the bathroom, landing by the toilet and the toilet dolphin, who cackled joyfully.
A/N- It seems Queenie has wandered away, so I shall do this by my onesie. Thank you all for reading, but please remember that I am highly caffinated, so no flames. But if you like it, lemme know!
Johnny: Why? Why would I want that? Why would I want bubblegum?