Disclaimer: Batman belongs to DC Comics, Bob Kane and a bunch of others....but not I.

Author's notes: Ever wonder what Batman would be like if it were a sitcom? I'm sure you haven't, but if by any chance you have, this is what it'd probably be like! Yeah, everyone is majorly ooc. ;; But this is a sitcom...everyone is loony in sitcoms.

Batman: the sitcom series

::Batman is doing stand-up comedy in Arkham Asylum's 'Comedy Night'::

::Seinfeld theme plays in the background::

Batman: Okay! Okay! This is a good one, guys! How many Arkham patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ..... Give up? Zero because they're all too stupid and crazy to do it!

::Everyone in Arkham glares at him::

Batman: What? Don't you people have a sense of humour? Sheesh!!

Later in the Batcave...

Batman: Why didn't anybody laugh at my jokes?

Oracle: Batman, I have a hunch that the Arkham crazies just may not like you at all.

Batman: Oh and why not?

Oracle: Well...you did send most of them there....

Batman: ::Sigh:: All I ever wanted...was for people to laugh at my cheap jokes. But can they? NO!

Oracle: ::Rolls eyes:: Batman, maybe you should quit going to Comedy Night at Arkham... I think it'd be in everyone's best interest. Including me.

::Nightwing then barges into the cave::

Nightwing: Hey guys!!

Batman: Ugh, I really need to get a lock installed in the cave.

Nightwing: Guess what, Batman? I have a great money making scheme cooked up!

Oracle: Money making scheme?

Batman: Nightwing...I'm a BILLIONAIRE!

Nightwing: So?

Batman: I don't need to make anymore money.

Nightwing: ::Looks at Batman as if he were crazy:: ANYWAY, this scheme involves getting Robin and Batgirl to dress up as chickens, then they have to learn to sing....

Oracle: Okay, stop right there.

Nightwing: What?

Oracle: How is dressing anyone as a chicken going to bring in money?

Nightwing: I'm trying to explain!!

::Robin runs into the cave::

Robin: Hey, there's trouble downtown!

Oracle: I didn't get any-

Robin: Oracle, there's trouble downtown and everyone but Batman has to go resolve it. Catch my drift?

Oracle: OH!! That trouble downtown!!

Batman: What? What trouble downtown?

Robin: The kind of trouble we don't need you for.

Batman: But I need to see to it-

Oracle: No, you don't! Batman, how about you take the night off while we take care of the trouble downtown.

Batman: B-but...!

Robin: Yeah, maybe you could go hit the sports bar, Batman!

Nightwing: I want to go to a sports bar!!

Oracle: Nightwing! You need to go to downtown with us to take care of the trouble.

Nightwing: What trouble?

Oracle: AUGH! ::Pulls him by the ear:: Let's go, you two!

Nightwing: Ow ow ow ow!

Later at the Gotham Coffee House...

Nightwing: Mmm! I love my cappucino!

Robin: Ick! This needs more sugar.

Batgirl: Cappucino....

Nightwing: Why do they call it cappucino? Why not...'Yummy tasty drink'?

Oracle: And why did we invite you here?

Nightwing: Wait a minute! Why are we in the coffee house instead of downtown!? What about the trouble!?!? WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?! WE NEED TO THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!

Alfred: ::Throws scalding coffee on Nightwing:: Master Nightwing, please control yourself.

Nightwing: AHHHHH!!!!

Oracle: Anyway, this is actually a meeting to plan for Batman's birthday which is tomorrow. Now this has to be the BEST party he's ever had too!

Batgirl: Why did you wait until the last minute?

::Awkward silence ensues for about five minutes until Catwoman walks in::

Catwoman: Sorry, I'm late! Don't you guys just hate Gotham traffic?

Joker: It's simply murder. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oracle: Joker, what the hell are you doing here?!

Joker: Well, I need to go to Batman's birthday. Without me, it wouldn't be much of a party.

Robin: He does have a point.

Nightwing: We don't need psycho clowns at a party. Like that Ronald McDonald guy. UGH! Talk about psycho killer in spare time.

Catwoman: Wait a minute! My friend's sister's stepmother's uncle's ex- girlfriend's dog's ex-owner's cousin's wife's grandfather's favorite niece knows OutKast! Maybe I can get him to come perform!

Alfred: That would be wonderful! Master Bru-err..Batman is always listening to OutKast music in the Bat Cave.

Oracle: It's annoying...but whatever floats his boat....

Batgirl: I like...OutKast too.

::Everyone stares at Batgirl::

Batgirl: Wh-what?

At the Gotham Sports Bar...

::Batman sits at the bar, drinking beer and watching ESPN::

Batman: I'm not needed anymore...Am I...?

::Superman strolls in and sits next to Batman::

Superman: Hey, Batman!

Batman: ::Groans:: Superman...

Superman: Great game, huh?

Batman: You know what would be better?

Superman: What would be Bat-buddy?

Batman: You leaving.

Superman: Come on! You never hang out with me or the other heroes!

Batman: Maybe I would if you and Wonderwoman quit boinking infront of everyone...

Superman: We don't 'boink', we make love.

Batman: ....Even worse...

Superman: Awww, Batman, are you...lonely?

Batman: ::Glares at Superman:: GET OUT!!!!


Oracle: Robin, pass me the crepe paper.

Robin: ::Tosses it to her:: There you go!

Nightwing: This is going to be so much fun! I even got strippers!

::Elektra, Storm and Spidergirl walk in::

Oracle: OH NO! No more crossovers!

Nightwing: Come on, Oracle, Batman would love these hot babes to strip and give him lap dances.

Catwoman: AHEM! He has me for that.

Alfred: And me in some cases.

Oracle: See? He's already got bootie.

Nightwing: Oh well, more for me!

Catwoman: Guys, we have a situation.

Oracle: What?

Catwoman: I accidently booked Out Cast instead of OutKast.

Oracle: Out Cast?

::Polka players Out Cast walk in::

Oracle: Oh crap.

Robin: Jesus! Polka!!!

Catwoman: Uhm, maybe Batman won't notice the difference.

Oracle: Oh, I think he WILL. This party is turning into a disaster!

Joker: HOO HOO HOO! LOOK AT MEEEEE!! ::Falls down the stairs of the Bat Cave::

Robin: Whoa, Joker's really out of it.

Oracle: Okay...we have a polka group named Out Cast instead of OutKast, a drugged Joker, sexy Marvel female characters and...Nightwing got pink paper plates and utensils instead of black.

Nightwing: Why does it always have to be dark and scary? Why can't things be cheery for once around here?

Oracle: ::Slaps her forehead:: NIGHTWING!

Nightwing: Come on!

Out Cast member: Time for a polka dance!

::Polka music is played::

Oracle: ARGH!

Soon, in the streets of Gotham...

Batman: I hates...my... ::Hic:: lifffe.

::Batman bumps into Commissioner Gordon::

Gordon: Batman?

Batman: Commish!...Nice to...se...see...yaz. ::Hic::

Gordon: ::Shakes head:: Batman, why are you drunk?

Batman: Nobody...nobody needs me....

Gordon: What? You are needed! I was looking for you, dammit! Some punks stole my OutKast CD.

Batman: OutKast?...Oh...I will g-g-get that...sonuva.... ::Hic::

Gordon: Hey, Batman, how about I take you to the cave?

Batman: H-how do you know where it is?

Gordon: Well, Superman told me.

Batman: That...bastard! I'm gonna... ::Hic:: kill 'im!

Gordon: Batman!

Batman: I...I...I meansh...hurt...'im...bad.

Gordon: That's my boy!


Gordon: Why are all the lights out?


::LIghts suddenly turn on::

Everyone: SURPRISE!!!

::Penguin pops out of birthday cake::

Penguin: Happy birthday, Bats!

Batman: Wh-what...?

Oracle: It's your...surprise brithday party...that really sucks.

Robin: With pink plates and sporks!

Batgirl: And...penguin in a cake.

Batman: Wow. ::Hic:: Th-thish is so...good.

::Emotional music plays in the background::

Oracle: I guess I was so wrapped up in making you the best birthday party ever...I actually messed it up in the process.

Batman: Yo, Oracle, it's...it's okay. ::Hic:: Thish may...be lame...b-but Batman still love you.... ::Hic::

ScareCrow: And I love you, Batman.

Batman: Awww! I love you too, ScareCrow!

::The two hug::

Everyone: Awww!

The Riddler: What is really ugly, stupid and gay?

Everyone: What?

Riddler: ScareCrow!


::Riddler and ScareCrow have a fight to the death as the others party::

Catwoman: Sweetie, we even got Out Cast.

Batman: Ooh...!

Out Cast: HELLO! ::Play polka music::

Batman: I...I gotta throw up... ::Runs to bathroom::

The next day...

Nightwing: That was some wild party.

::Penguin lies next to Nightwing::

Penguin: It sure was, baby.

::The scene freezes as Nightwing turns to Penguin, a horrified look on his face::

The End