Choices

By: Thought

Disclaimer: Thank the Goddess that Logan isn't mine. Although, I know someone who wouldn't mind having him... coughCaligacough

Summary: Logan snarls, protects, hurts, remembers and tries to forget. Second in the 'Letters To Noone' series.

A/N: I wasn't going to make this a series. I was forced. :-D Not that I'm complaining.

What the hell is wrong with the world? First my humanity, then my memory, then Jean. Ya, I know she made a choice, and I know she saved us all, but I still can't help feeling guilty. If I hadn't been so desperate to regain my humanity, I'd probably never have picked up Marie, and never gone to the X-Men. If I hadn't been so needful of my past, Jean wouldn't have died. Now, I'm wondering what's gonna happen because I'm so desperate to get Jean back. Why'd I have to be so selfish? Why couldn't I have just left things the way they were and make a future for myself with the X-Men? Somewhere, I know that it wasn't my fault. That Striker would have done all that experimentation shit, anyways, and the X-Men would have still gone after him with or without me, but it's gonna take me a long time to really think this through. Right now, I'm just trying to forget everything, working myself to the maximum and beyond every day so I can try and have a night of sleep that isn't interrupted by the nightmares. Half-berried memories of my own past have been replaced with all too fresh ones of Jean, and her last, and greatest sacrifice.

I don't know how 'Ro does it. Admittedly, I don't know the windrider that well, but I didn't know anyone could be that heartless. After Jean died, she went right back to teaching classes, tending the plants in her room, talking to that Cajun friend of hers on the phone, and flirting with the new guy. It's just like Jean's death didn't mean anything to her at all. The kids call her the Ice Queen, and I'm really starting to agree with them. I'd feel better if she'd show even a little bit of emotion. Wince at Jean's name, pause for a moment to remember some time with Jean, look at photo albums, breakdown like the rest of us have. Hell, even Xavier had a bit of a breakdown, remembering the first day he met Jean, and wheeling out of the room so fast I swear he burned rubber. I've heard that she was worshiped as a goddess, so I guess she thinks she's above grieving for a friend. Or, at least, I thought they were friends.

Summers is the walking dead. Sometimes I'll encourage him to eat something, but he just brushes me off, saying he's not hungry. I don't push him. Even after my confession to Scott about Jean's choice, he and I still have that lingering animosity, and I don't think that's gonna go away any time soon. I've taken on Scott's PE class, and Storm's got his Math class, while Xavier took over Science. For now, the mechanics class has been canceled. I've heard the kids muttering that I'm too hard on them, and they're probably right. Guess how much I care? I'm hurting just as much emotionally as they are physically, so they can take their wimpy complaining and.... well, you know.

Kurt Wagner is one of the most strange beings I have ever met. He's as faithful to God as any man I've ever met, but it's pretty obvious that he's attracted to Ororo. He's trying to help with Jeanie's death by starting a religion class, in which I know a lot of the kids go to pray for their lost teacher's soul. Surprisingly, it seems to be helping quite a few of them get over it. The guy also has a wicked sense of humor after you get past the shy, religious persona he holds up like a mask. It's kind of nice; he's the only person who can make me laugh. He and Ororo are gonna get together, there's no question of that, but I really don't know how long that's going to last. I mean, she's the heartless Ice Queen, and I have a feeling that Kurt's the kind of guy that puts his heart into everything he does. I'll kill her if she hurts him, I'm sure of that. Hell, does he even know she's not Christian? And if he doesn't, how's that gonna figure into that already convoluted little equation of love between those two?

We all miss Jean, but it seems everybody's got someone to turn to. Marie is taking care of Scott the best she can, and Kurt and Ororo seem to be pretty close. The Professor has been busy calling in new teachers to take on classes, but I'm pretty sure all those phone calls aren't just to prospective staff members. The two newest additions to the school, Emma Frost and Hank McCoy seem to be able to take on the classes without a sweat. They start in a week, and I think everyone will be glad when that happens.

Life is filled with choices. Jean made a choice, she chose Scott. She also chose to save us all at the cost of her own life. Ororo chose not to hold back the water with her winds, (I'm pretty damn sure she can do that), and Kurt made a choice to try and become close to her. But people like Scott and me, we didn't get a choice. We both loved Jean, and she was taken away from us without anything more than a hurried goodbye, spoken through the lips of the Professor. Right now, I think that the only choice Scott and I can make is how to get through all the crap life throws at us without just letting go. That's not gonna be easy, and right now, I'm not even sure if I can take one more hit. But another hit'll inevitably come, and I'd be willing to bet a lot of money that I'll take that one, too. It's almost as bad as the healing factor, but this, I made myself. The ability to take anything, and come out standing tall, if a little battered. Sometimes, I'd really like to just fall apart, but I don't have a choice in that either.

Logan